Dear Readers:
This is a blog that was never turned into a chapter for my memoir – but since we are friends – I thought I would share it with you! Aren’t you lucky?
My last session with Hank was a turning point for me. I have become clearer and clearer about how I need intimacy and connection in Sacred Intimacy. And that piece of this work, is perhaps for me, right now ‑ the largest piece. I am a human being under construction. Once upon a time, it was simply touch that my body needed. And the introduction of touch to my body - the ability to learn how to receive touch....how to surrender to “one way touch” was huge for me.
That was so big, that I didn't necessarily even notice anything else. The need for touch, the joy in the experience was so overwhelming for me. Learning about breath, learning about my capacity for sensual pleasure, understanding my body and what makes me tick was so big.
Understanding and making peace with what turns me on, and how to ask for it became a part of the process of my healing. It became so interesting to me, how my needs as a sexual and emotional being can shift and turn on a dime. But maybe it is not on a dime at all, maybe it is a part of my evolution and becoming as a complete and whole sexual being.
I spent two hours in Hank's arms yesterday. We both had our clothes on, and we laid down on some futon pillows that he had in his studio. There were pillows and we shifted our holding or hugging position several times.
It was interesting how the different positions brought out different feelings. I don't think that I have been held like that since I was a baby. I highly recommend it. There I was having two hours of conscious holding. This was not the kind of holding that I do with my husband in bed while we sleep. This was wide awake and not a prelude to anything necessarily.
I love just feeling Hank’s arms around me, the gentle touching that being so close to each other provided – feeling our breath and the physical feeling of safety and love that this sustained holding provided for me make me open like a flower.
I have always been good at accessing my feelings, but this - being held by arms and feeling Hank's body pressed against mine fully clothed - provided a place for all me to come forth and be seen.
At first all my body wanted to do was cry. And then I talked about so many things! My relationship with my father, my husband, and even my relationship with “one way touch”. I even talked about my relationships with all of my practitioners. How they are all so different.and wonderful even if they are sometimes difficult. Yet they all serve me in some very profound way – and by having all of these practitioners in my life they have opened me up to face my desires for things that do not exist in my life.
All while Hank was holding me, I talked a blue streak, and cried an ocean of tears. I remember Hank saying certain things to me like "Just let go...I've got you"....and how it felt that he was totally there for me and I didn't have to worry about falling. I knew that he had me tightly and wouldn't let anything happen in that moment to me.
I felt protected and safe in my own vulnerability and the relief that those simple words "I've got you" and those strong arms gave me was simply immeasurable. It’s really too bad that almost all traditional psychotherapy is done in chairs. This technique of holding and talking...is so much more profound than sitting in chairs. It opens up the body, so that the soul can talk.
