THE PLEASURE PILGRIMAGE

The meaning of pilgrimage is a journey that we undertake as a devotion and as a way to meet ourselves in the deepest of levels.

A pilgrimage is a rite of passage. There are few rites of passage for us to meet our erotic selves. For us to learn about our body and it's connection to our pleasure and our soul. You have to make a choice in your life when you consider making a pilgrimage.
Are you willing change? Are you willing to take a risk? Are you willing to take an unknown journey? Are you willing to move everything around in your life to connect to this strange thing called "Pleasure", "Eroticism" and your "Body"? Are you hungry to meet your erotic soul?

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE READY TO TAKE A PLEASURE PILGRIMAGE?

1. You are restless on the deepest level of your erotic soul. It's like having "restless leg syndrome" of the heart.

2. Are you willing to choose a life of pleasure and sexual wholeness instead of inheriting your legacy of sensual pleasure handed to your from your family? Are you willing to detach from that?

3. A pilgrimage implies being open to life. Are you open to leaving home even for a little while and try something new? A person who takes on a pilgrimage is rarely "ready". It requires a certain fierce determination and willingness to be defiant to expectations that you have in place already in your life.

4. People who go on a Pleasure Pilgrimage can be feeling numb, detached, addicted, bored, curious, hungry, or restless. Somehow they know that they need to move in their body. Their are not willing to go into numbness or stay there. They are willing to accept contradictions and are willing to change even if it requires fearlessness. They are willing to invest in the mystery and the unknown quantity of something that they simply don't know, but have heard of. They have witnessed others living their personal legend of self discovery and have no idea if they can have this "feeling" too. But they are willing to pack their bags and go. They dare.

5. When you go on a Pleasure Pilgrimage you are willing to ask the questions; "Who am I?" , "What do I want?" and "What is getting in the way?" and then acting on the answers.

6. A Pleasure Pilgrimage opens us up to magic. The bridge that allows us to cross our physical selves to our energetic selves. The experience of pleasure in our bodies is sometimes something that we cannot name. It's a personal experience in our body. When given the right kind of magic -- we can go on our own invisible and visible journey. This is something that is out of your head; it is something that is felt in the body. It is personal to you -- and only you can experience it. Others can support you to have it --- but it is uniquely yours. It doesn't have to have an explanation. You can simply enjoy pleasure.

7.. The Pleasure Pilgrimage is a journey to love. It's a way of learning how to manifest love in the deepest way through self compassion and empathy -- and using those muscles for others.

8. A Pleasure Pilgrimage is a contradiction in what we are taught. We are taught to just give and self sacrifice and self denial is what is honored. What if we could change the story and that you could find pleasure in giving --- instead of self denial? And we are never taught to receive. The contradiction in the pleasure journey to learn the pleasure in giving and pleasure in receiving. Pleasure becomes a virtue.

9. The Pleasure Pilgrimage is a changing journey. We must leave behind who we are for who we can become. The Pilgrimage to Pleasure can be a journey of re-organization and re-construction. It does not have to be a journey of destruction.

10. The Pleasure Pilgrimage can feed into our personal legend. There is a redemptive power to making a choice around pleasure rather than feeling that we are the effect of the pleasure choices and denials that are around us. What could happen if you took charge of your pleasure?

11. The Pleasure Pilgrimage is a journey that you only you can create. People who go on this journey and have decided to move the obstacles. They are committed to the possibility of a different life with their own bodies and in their relationships.

12. The Pleasure Pilgrimage is a journey of a dream. It's something that you want to do. That gives you joy. Pleasure can be a part of your "Personal Legend". It's the life of joy that you want to live. And something that can be against the plans of your community, your religion, your husband or wife, your lover --- and your family. You can live the life that you are given. The life that you are taught to have. Or you can go on the Pilgrimage and find the life that you dream of. Life is generous. You can take the journey or you can numb out and forget it. Or do your best to forget it. I believe you will become unhappy and self destructive if you are not on the path to fulfilling your dream. The Pilgrimage may be difficult - the outcome will be joy.

The Pleasure Pilgrimage is a mystery for all of us. It's a journey into ourselves. Honor the pilgrimage. Take the journey. Honor the journey.

I hope there is something here for you.

Loving you from here,
Pamela Madsen

It's Never Going to Be The Right Time

I know that there exists this completely magical time when Mars is not in retrograde, when all the planets align and the sun is shining perfectly and the moon is waxing and waning just perfectly and you have your money in place, you can speak you desires, you know what you want and the universe takes a great big in breath and holds it for you to take action in your life.

And then "it will be the right time". Hallelujah.

It will be time to quit the job you hate and get the one you want.

It will be the right time to write that book.

It will be the right time to move to the city that you have always wanted to live in.

It will be time for you to tell the truth to somebody.

It will be the right time for you to reach out and tell somebody how much you love them.

It will be the right time to get married.

It will be the right time to have a baby.

It will be the right time to change your life.

It will be the right time to get in touch with your body and your sexuality.

It will be the right time to take that trip.

Guess What? You are living in a myth. A fabled time, that simply does not exist. Come on --- how many times will the planets align and Mars is always in retrograde. How many times in your life will the money, the opportunity, and the time happen in the same moment? Look up at the sky. Are you waiting for the sun and the moon to kiss?

Here's the cold hard truth. if you’re waiting for the right time, you’ll keep waiting until it’s too late.

We all have this mantra that we tell ourselves over and over again: “it’s just not the right time.” Do you know how many times I hear that a day when women are expressing their deepest desire to come to a Back to the Body Retreat, or do ANYTHING different around their sexuality and their relationship?

"Its not the right time" is THAT THING we say it when the opportunity presents itself for us to do THAT BIG THING, the thing that we want most of all -- and that we are terrified of. THAT THING that we don't feel ready for or simply can't face. But we want to.

Screw the “right time”. It's an urban legend. It's a fable or a myth or a story that you have been fed by others. If you spend your time waiting for the right time you will have more problems in your life not less. I do think you should look before you jump to make sure that there isn't and quick sand or rapid dogs, and I would always have a Plan B in my pocket in case things don't work out. But that has nothing to do with "Waiting for the Right Time". If you see quick sand, just move a little to the left and keep going.

Because waiting simply in most cases doesn't make any sense

Dear People of the Page, all you have is now. Really. Haven't you buried enough people yet in your life to know that? Haven't people told you their regrets? It's rarely about the risks they have taken. It's rarely about action. Yesterday I was scared to drive in the rain up to see my friend and her new grand baby. I was sure it wasn't the right time. I was anxious about the trip. She said that it's okay -- that I didn't have to prove anything to anyone.

It's never the right time. I got to hold that baby. Kiss those little hands. Celebrate with my friend and her daughter. It was perfect. It was the right time after all.

So go. Tell that boss of yours that you are done and get the fuck out of there. Tell your lover that you love them. Make that big change in your life. Go on a Pleasure Pilgrimage in the middle of everything.

Life is gonna end. It's never long enough. Our bodies change. Shit happens. Life is way too short, incredible, filed with possibility and precious. Don't waste it waiting for the universe to align. It won't

If you want to do something, change something, go somewhere---start NOW. Stop dreaming about it. Visioning it. And waiting for the right time. The right time is now. Make it happen. Schedule it. Only you can make the right time happen now.

I hope there is something here for you,
Loving you from here,
Pamela Madsen

Four Hard Tips on Loving a Soft Penis

When men outreach to me; it's usually about their fears around having and sustaining erections. Men just like women worry about being enough and getting it on. And in our culture, it's all about penetrative sex (intercourse), big hard cocks, and staying power. But what if it's not? What if we allowed men to feel their bodies in different ways and as a result get to experience sex in the full spectrum of intimacy and pleasure? A hard penis is not everything when it comes to making love. It's simply  not all there is.

Going "Beyond Hard" Tips: 1. The number one myth of a soft cock is that the man is not feeling desire. This is simply not true. There are many reasons why a man has a soft cock before or during sexual activity that has nothing to do with his desire for you. So please do not take a soft cock as an indicator that your lover doesn't want you. It's sad that in our society we have been trained to believe that the signal of desire in a man is erection. Dump that myth.

2. Soft cocks can feel pleasure and can have orgasms. Many people ignore the soft cock. If he can't get it up, he can't have sex or orgasms.  Nonsense. The issue is that we have taught men that they are broken if they cannot get hard. So we shame them, and they withdraw. Men can experience pleasure, desire and orgasm with a soft penis. Some of the best masculine lovers I know do not have hard cocks. It's time to offer the soft cock the same appreciation that the hard cock can receive. Touch them, love them, and admire soft cocks - just like you would like to be desired, loved and admired. What if we allowed men to really feel the pleasure and intimacy of sharing a soft penis with their lover shamelessly?

3. Men are always expected to be "penetrative" not "receptive" when it comes to sex. In other words; their job is to be the "taker" and the "giver". He is the one who enters. During intercourse the penis may soften and along with that (if it is allowed and not shamed)  a man's heart may soften too. He may become more vulnerable with his lover and more open. The emphasis may shift in intercourse into a feeling that is perhaps more subtle and deeply intimate. If allowed, and not withdrawn it's possible for sexual energy to spread throughout the man's body and a feeling of connectedness may occur when he stops focusing on penetrating and simply floats in feeling and uniting with his lover's body.  What if everybody stopped performing sex and moved into feeling sex? As a sex educator, I spend a lot of time talking about women connecting their hearts to their vagina. What if men got to connect their cocks to their hearts too?

4.  When men are permission-ed to experience sexuality from a place of softness it's actually possible for them to experience what it's like to be penetrated by his partner energetically or with his partner's hands, or body to body. This is known as energetic sex and can be felt in the body of lovers as almost a meditative state of bliss. The love neurotransmitter Oxytocin can begin to flow between partners and lovers can experience a much deeper heart connection with less thrusting and movement. Think about bringing the focus to soft movements, breath, eye gazing, and body to body connection. How much can you feel everywhere?

Men who have lived their lives with erections and have depended on the "Hard On" to get it on, need to learn other ways of having penetrative sex. We can penetrate our lovers in so many ways; we just have to learn how. We simply don't teach men how to have penetrative sex without a hard on - and it can be amazing for the receiver to have something different than the usual offerings.

Men with soft cocks can learn how to "take" their partner just like a man with a hard cock. And there are opportunities to learn all kinds of ways to be the best lover you have ever been. Losing your ability to get a hard on or sustain one for a long period of time, might actually be a gift to your partner if you both can see it as an opportunity to learn what is available in the spectrum of sexuality and love making. Just getting hard and screwing can get pretty dull.

Sometimes, it takes what can feel initially like a loss to create an orgasmic opportunity!

Why You Want to Date An 'Ageless Goddess'

Dr. Christiane Northrup in her newest book, "Goddesses Never Age" has coined the phrase "Ageless Goddess".  I love it. And trust me, if you are past the age of wanting babies, raising a family and settling down - you might want to explore dating a woman 'of a certain age' because so is she.  A woman over 50 has a new list of priorities; and she is won't waste your time.  By mid life, a woman knows what she is seeking in a lover; and she is either in or she is out. What You Need to Know About Dating an Ageless Goddess

1. An Ageless Goddess won't waste your time.  They are either in or they're out.

2.  An Ageless Goddess knows what we want and know how to communicate those desires. If the holes in their head don't fit the horns on yours - you will know pretty fast.

3. Older women are seasoned; and they won't dump you at the first sign of trouble.

4. We don't have an endless list of needs. Our requirements have shortened since our 20's. We may not be looking for marriage, a picket fence or even your paycheck. We have most of that figured out. But if you want to take us to dinner and dancing: we are open. Women of "Of a Certain Age" are looking for a 'pleasure partner'.

5.  An Ageless Goddess isn't so worried about your bald head (in fact she very likely might find it HOT), or your soft belly. In fact your imperfections may be a relief. She can take off her spandex. 6. She is less concerned about your erection than your ability to give her pleasure and attention. You can relax. An Ageless Goddess has a curiosity about life, pleasure and sexuality that is fresh and emerging.  She may very well be more open and ready to explore sexuality in many different ways.  She may be the perfect partner to explore you darker desires with, or erotic massage.  An Ageless Goddess is ready to let go of societal expectations but who she is suppose to be, and how she should express herself. Got a fantasy? Tell it to her. An Ageless Goddess may be very open to exploring lots of different scenarios that go way beyond mechanics.  How do you want to express intimacy? She is ready. An Ageless Goddess has a kind of freedom that she may not have had in her 20's and 30's.  She has a 'pick up and go' ability that she might not have enjoyed in the days of building a career or family and she is ready to play.  Are you?

4 Tips On How To Change The Sexually Hungry Marriage

It can go like this: You want sex and your partner doesn't.  Or your partner wants sex and you don't.  Or it seems like neither one of you want sex and are more interested in watching NetFlicks. What's up with that? You know that you love each other and yet the idea of sex is just not that exciting and that seems somehow wrong. What then? The issues of sexual desire, unmet erotic needs, mismatched libidos, and the ravages of time in a long term relationship or marriage are among the most common rants of the sex unhappy. I know, not only because I work with hundreds of women who are living it right now, but because I have been a sex unhappy wife. I had the guts to do something about it, managed to stayed married (33 years this summer). Yes, I was a child bride.

Couples can become sex unhappy for so many reasons.  We have: mismatched time clocks, work pressures,  family pressures,  our sexual tastes can change over time including what turns us on, and married sex can fall into a boring routine. As my husband so clearly put it in an interview; "We knew exactly what was going to happen every time we had sex."  And then there is  self image; many men get concerned about their erections as they get older, and many women get sexually shut down by their relationship with their own bodies.  Illness can change our bodies and our sexual appetites: it can be a lot to deal with breast cancer or prostate cancer and face some very real shifts in how we function in our bodies erotically.  One thing is for sure, the sex unhappy marriage is a painful place to hang out in.

As a sex unhappy survivor, I think it's important to understand that it's normal for sexual desire to wane a bit in long-term relationship. I don't think people are always honest when they participate in surveys about how often they have sex and that creates a feeling that “something must be wrong with us”.  People don't want other people to know what is going on in their bedrooms. It's scary. They worry about being judged, or that they or their relationship is somehow broken.

As a sex coach, I personally think there is a lot more to marriage than sex—but that sex is still an important part of marriage. The fact is, my husband and I have a beautiful marriage. We are life partners. And we don't have sex twice a week. Sometimes a months goes by. It's true. And I have other outlets for my sexual expression. I have cultivated that - and have helped other women cultivate that as well. But that doesn't mean that we are not physically affectionate with each other every single day. We hug, hold hands, kiss, cuddle, and sleep spooning around each others bodies. We communicate openly about our desires, even the parts of our sexual desires that simply don't match up. We have figured out a solution to make room in our marriage for all of it in a way that works for us. I am no longer a sexually unhappy wife, and I have my husband to thank for that. A part of that is not what he gives me directly—but how he allows me to be in the world.

Being sexual with each other is a choice.  And you need to be willing to put aside time, and attention for each other. This is all about doing something different and breaking the pattern that you are in. If you have reached a place in your relationship where you are ready to try on making a change from sexually hungry to sexually satisfied: I have some tips!

1: What is true is that we talk a lot about sex—but rarely to the person that we are having sex with. Having the sex talk, especially if you are unhappy, is probably the most vulnerable conversation a couple can have. Often we feel shut down around the sex conversation because we worry that our partner won't accept our true desires, or worse—that they will judge us or leave us. Just do it. Sit down and open the conversation with your partner.  Have a sex inquiry with them. Ask questions such as "What would you like that you are not getting?"

2.  Talk honestly about being sexually bored. It happens! Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reason we stop having sex with each other!  Perhaps it's time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let's be clear, I'm talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!). It may be time for a "SexPloration Vacation".   Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together?  Or planned a private couple's sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here's the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant or caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that - most of us never learn to play erotically.  Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationship.  Trust me, you're not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money.  It's so worth it.

3. Stop thinking about intercourse and put the focus on outercourse. Buy a massage table! Learn about giving and receiving erotic massage to each other! Really! I do this with all of the couples that I work with - and it's a winner! Putting your attention on each other on a massage table is a brand new experience for many people. And with some creativity the massage table can become a brand new sex toy in your home!

4. Play sex games that involve asking each other questions! There are many sex games on the market that invite communication and playfulness. Explore them.

Have the courage to do something different. Sometimes you just have to lean into your fear and do it. I did it. And trust me, my little adventure into becoming sexually whole is not ordinary.  Still, the world didn't fall apart. My husband didn't leave me. There was a little drama and a few tears, and the conversation about our sex life is ongoing.

You can have a sex happy marriage even in a long term one. It takes a lot of vulnerability, less talk about being unhappy and more action into changing your situation! And remember, sex is like our economy. It has its ups and downs—but that doesn't mean you can't be in it for a very happy and fulfilling lifetime.

Pamela and Mac Are Coming to Atlanta, GA and Asheville, NC!

I'm so excited! Sex educator, Mac S. McGregor and I are coming to the Atlanta, Georgia area AND Asheville, North Carolina (March 20th through 23rd in Asheville and leaving the Atlanta Area on the 24th). We are in town to speak at a conference, running a weekend of diverse workshops, find the workshop information here: https://www.facebook.com/events/773943422687523/ with two other incredible beings (Monique Darling and Peter Petersen). PLUS, Mac and I are offering private sessions for singles and couples (all genders and sexual orientations), while we are in the area. This is our first time teaching together and offering private sessions in Atlanta and Asheville.

Don't miss us. We don't want to miss you! Do you want to talk about the offerings and possibilities? Consultations are complimentary.

Shoot me an email at Pamela@backtothebody.org!

Loving you from here,

Pamela

When it Comes To Sex: Don't Yuck my Yum

I think that there is a new snobbery a foot. It's "sex snobbery".  It is showing up everywhere and in the most subtle ways. I listen to sex educators and friends talk about "other people's" sexual expression with a tone of judgement and superiority which is frankly tone deaf.

It can look like this: Poly or people who have "Open Marriage" or "Open Relationships" can talk negatively about Monogamous people. They can say speak about the boredom and normalcy of monogamy.  That folks who are monogamous are not "enlightened" or hoard love or have not mastered their "attachment or abandonment issues".

And now reverse that.  People who live in monogamy talk about Poly folks as lacking commitment and being oversexed.  They speak of Poly as "legalized" cheating.  And it goes on Heterosexuals are judged by people who enjoy same sex partners.  Now reverse it.

Vanilla judges Kinky and Kinky judges Vanilla. How about we agree not to "YUCK each others YUM?" No one's sexual or gender expression is superior to someone anyone's else. Sexuality is unique.

Everybody's relationship with sexuality, gender, and romance is unique. Just because we share the knowledge that we both  enjoy a particular sex toy doesn't mean that we will experience it the same way.

No one can feel an erotic feeling or emotion tied to sexuality just the way you. All of our feelings and how we process experiences are uniquely our own. And all of this "Sex Snobbery" can be really hard when people want others to "give them an experience" and "get it right".

Let's take it to the bedroom!

So, if we can agree that all of our relationships to sexuality is unique - how do we go about creating a better relationship with sex leaving all of that sex snobbery behind?

1. Prepare for change.  Decide that you are ready to change your relationship with your own sexuality. Acknowledge that you feel like there is something missing, a problem a disconnect. Acknowledge that you want to feel more than you are currently feeling.

2. Choose to make a change with your relationship with your own sexuality. If you are in a partnered relationship you may choose to speak with your partner about your desires for change. If you are not in a partnered sexual relationship you may begin by opening the conversation with yourself about what you feel you are missing and wanting. You may choose to seek the help of a sexuality coach or sign up for a program created to support people explore their sexuality.

3.  Keep the yuck out of the yum and lower your sexually enlightened nose a notch or two. It will be more becoming.

The Wisdom of Embracing Our "Inconvenient Woman"

I know this woman as I meet her every day in my sexuality coaching practice or at my retreats. She is a woman who is successful by most measures in every part of her life, yet she  feels so frozen in her body that she can no longer feel herself. Her sexuality feels numb and when she talks about her desires and passions, it's said with a shyness as if talking about some kind of dream.  Or her voice shakes with a strong anger of being completely done with how she has been living up until this point.  Whether the voice is soft or strident; there is a part of her that  knows that her fantasy can become reality, but for now it feels out of reach. There is a time in a woman's life -  usually in mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision. And I believe that his decision may possibly the most important  decision of her future life.  Will she live the second half of her life as a convenient and bitter woman, or as an alive and inconvenient women?

Some women come to this place in their late thirties or forties - but by the time women turn 50 there is a fierceness to this desire to reemerge and create a new way of being in the world and in their bodies.

I gave up being an convenient woman in my forties, and it's impossible to go back. The woman who not only understands the rules but follows them.  But if you were raising children, climbing the corporate ladder,  walking dogs, and running the PTA - it could have felt really important to follow the rules.  But then it happens. That place in our lives where we are so filled up with what has been expected of us and not what we may actually need for our very own soul that we get pissed off and exhausted that all we do is routine. There is no energy for anything else.

What we thought might have been how were were going to live our lives may be nothing more than a crumbled paper in the back of a shoe box.  As women who have lived full lives up until mid life we may have accumulated a few broken hearts,  failed marriages and more than a handful of lost promises.

It's time to take a breath and look around.

It's time for a rebellion.

In mid life we are  still young enough to recreate our lives.  For many of us, the kids are grown or almost grown. Or we have moved on from the biological clock imperative.  Our parents may not need us fully yet in care taking mode and it's possible that we no longer have a dog that needs walking or a husband who needs dinner on the table.  And if we do, the expectations can now shift.

Personally, At 50, my "give a shit" has run out. I am drawn to a life and love where I disturb the status normal. I gravitate to what pulls me.  If there is no pull, no direction, no hunger,  I find that I lose interest.  Mid life brings with it the possibility of a brand new life if only you are willing. It can be a time of using up what is in our box before we go to our boxes.  It can be a time to explore the parts of yourself that you have put on the shelf.

And yes, I know you are not quite ready yet. Well, guess what? We all begin the process before we are ready.  I do not know woman who thought that they were strong enough, or knew enough, or had enough time or money before she began her journey to her own inconvenient woman.

It all starts with a feeling inside of us.  Call it "Restless Leg Syndrome", a tickle in our noses or an inability to sleep. It's not Peri-menopause, it's the call within us to break out  of the lives we are currently living in some way.

You do not have to know how to read the map in order to get up and change your life.  No one starts their journey into their inconvenient woman knowing all the answers.  And I know the story; you are not ready yet but you will be soon. I know you need time before you go off to live your big dream, but this only works for a short while. No one is ever ready and there will never be a right time.

At some point each convenient woman needs to simply jump into the land of being an inconvenient woman. You know the one; the one that does not show up at Thanksgiving this year because she is riding her RV through the country, dancing tango in Spain, or embracing her mid life sex Goddess in Tuscany this year.

It happens all the time.

I may be mad, but I will never again be convenient.

4 Tips On How To Be a Mid Life Sex Goddess Without Tripping on Stilettos

I only recently became a full fledged, card carrying Sex Goddess.  It's a new role for me in life -- and I began my transformation in my early forties.  And now that I am 50, it's off the charts. Oh -- and I am "curvy" -- and stand about 5 feet-three inches tall. What? You don't think I am Sex Goddess material? Well, guess again. And you can be one too. Because it really doesn't have a thing to with "natural beauty" or long legs -- Sex Goddesses are often awakened -- and they can come in some pretty surprising packages. So how do you get there, you might ask? The first thing to do is clean house and get rid of all the self loathing talk. You know what I am talking about -- all those hateful remarks that you say to yourself when you think that nobody is looking. And what about those swipes that we take at ourselves out loud with self deprecating humor? No more "Yeah, well if I looked like her -- maybe!" Or "Whose looking at me anyway?" I am so done with it. It's out of here -- how about you? A Sex Goddess would never, ever say those things about herself. So stop it , and stop your girlfriends when they start doing it, because you know they will. It's a bad influence on your Sex Goddessness.

Clean out the painful stories that we tell ourselves about our bodies and our self worth. The single most important thing that I have learned on my way to becoming a Sex Goddess is that we can't get where we are going unless we are not only grounded in our bodies, but in a place of loving ourselves from the inside out.

I have an ongoing personal "hate my body" garage sale, and you know what? I still have items that need to get off the shelf and out the door. The barrage of incoming data of why I should be dissatisfied with myself is constant, and trust me, the negative messages do creep in. It is like the dust on my furniture -- no matter how much I clean, if I am not constantly vigilant it covers everything again.

None of this is new for any of us. In my case, body image issues have haunted me my entire life. I am an expert on making my backside the butt of most jokes. Oh yeah, I am funny. But I am really hurting myself every time I crack a joke about my body. Learning to love myself was something that was hard for me to do. It didn't matter what I had "accomplished" -- none of that mattered. Deep inside I was wounded as a feminine being. Is any of this familiar to you? Come on, I know that you have most likely read much of this stuff before -- you know what I am talking about, just like you know how you take your tea or coffee. We have all heard it before (was it Oprah?), on how all of us women share this great big collective consciousness filled with a legacy of apologizing for ourselves -- and our actions. We know that somehow, without our consent or even our knowledge -- we have somehow been shaped as sexual beings through the sexual ideals of whatever men thought we should be. One year we are Madonnas the next year we are Cougars.

Really?

I don't know about you, but I am ready for all of us to have one great big collective consciousness garage sale! Let's get rid of the junk! Do we really have to carry this around with us any longer? It is all so last century -- or was it the century before that?

How about turning that old tired place of disconnection from our bodies to being in a place of self loving, self healing and sexy self empowerment? Yeah, I know that you have probably heard something like that before. But hang in there with me.

This is not a make over. We are already here. I am going to be talking about creating a more sensual you. I want to introduce you to what I think are some basic foundation exercises that I used to get myself into those stilettos. I know at first you will not want to do them, but after a month or so of these exercises they will turn into practices. You will simply start to incorporate exercises into your life where ever you are -- you will figure it out!

We are starting from the inside out. Because sexy is as sexy feels! And you can create that new place in your life of having a swish to your hips and a kick to your steps. So check my little list of recommendations, and then try them on again, and again, and again. Who knows what will shift in your life?

1. Take five minutes and get naked alone. That's right. Clear out the house so that you feel safe if you don't have a private place in your home. Get naked and get comfortable. Put on some music if that helps. Don't worry -- I am not asking you to look yet! I am asking you to simply feel your body. You should be somewhere comfortable -- your bed or even a warm bath. Close your eyes and empty your mind. Let your hands wander over your entire body. Feel how beautiful your hair is. Let your hands run over your curves, your breasts, your hips. Pay attention to your body, the texture of your skin. If your own touch is giving you pleasure, you get extra bonus points! Sigh into that feeling of pleasure. Feel your breath. Feel the pleasure that your body can give you just the way it is right now through your own hands. Take the time to feel your body in a conscious way.

Now comes the part that may be harder for some of us than others: tell your body kind things. Give your body compliments. It's okay if you don't quite believe them yet. Just do it. You could thank your body for being so brave trying to get pregnant, giving birth, running that marathon or even getting up this morning and facing the day! You can admire how beautiful the curve of your bottom feels in your hand. Tell your breasts that they are fabulous -- admire your arms and the dimple in your cheek. You get the idea. You can do this -- free form, your own way -- five minutes every day for a month. All your parts.

Find the time and see what shifts for you in your life. After a month passes, do this exercise whenever you think about it. That is what I mean about turning it into a practice. After a while you will begin to do this on your own without much thought. You may find yourself doing this in bed when you wake up or as you fall asleep. Either way, it is a great way to start or end the day. My favorite time is while soaping up in the shower!

2. Go on, take a peek -- it's mirror time! And yes, this involves nudity. Now I have to be honest -- this was and still is a tough one for me. For me, it is easier to feel than to look. But trust me, this does get easier.

Once again, you need privacy and five whole minutes. Once you cleared out the private space and time, stand naked in front of a full length mirror and look. Start at your face and work your way down. You can use your eyes and your hands -- whatever is comfortable to you. Once again, it is time to tell your body kind things. Are your eyes a beautiful color? Then say it. Tell you body loving things. The compliments can be about performance, physical appearance -- whatever comes to mind. But I want you to focus on how your body pleases you and gives you pleasure. Remember you can do this! And it's only five minutes. I started this practice three years ago. I started with five minutes every day -- just like the "feeling" practice. I still do both exercises every week. Remember the dust? It gathers!

3. Take a look at the different images of feminine beauty throughout the ages. Allow yourself to feel the sensuality of different body types. I am round and curvy. I love looking at the images of women during the time of ancient Rome. Take a walk in a museum and take a look at images of female beauty through out the ages. I love the images of the Goddesses painted on the ceilings of cathedrals. If I squint my eyes really, really hard, they kind of look like me! Perhaps you are tall, thin and small breasted? Pick up a fashion magazine and take yourself in. Allow yourself to expand your own perception of female body.

4. Go shopping. Your assignment? Buy some sexy underwear! That's right -- and this is for you. You are not buying for anybody else. What can you wear to work, shopping, or even to a PTA meeting that will make you walk with that special knowledge that you are a hot thing? Is it pull up black stockings? A rhinestone bra? Go get it -- and put it on. You will be surprised how good it can make you feel.

5. Do something different. Create a pleasure plan.  Go on an adventure. Use up what is in your box before you take it to your box!

I hope that you try some of these idea on. I hope that I can inspire you -- and if I see a sexy lady on the street that has a smile behind her eyes, I will wonder if it is you.

Fifty Shades of Relationship: 8 Tips on Keeping it Hot and Together

I'm not just a sex expert, I've been"happily enough" married for 30 years. That's no small achievement and I'm happy to wear the merit badge. I also live an out of the box life erotically  and support others to evolve their own sexuality on their own and in their long term romantic relationships.  Recently, someone called me a "Marriage Whisperer" but we don't have to whisper. Let's face it, after you say "I do", you evolve.  If you don't evolve in your own life, you dry up and emotionally deaden. A sexual numbness can creep in like the fog on a San Francisco morning.  How can a person who is living an evolutionarily life expect their relationship to stay the same? Marriages, romantic relationships and live in partnerships need to shift and transform too other wise they fracture and die. I think that's the biggest reason for the  high split up rate in the United States.  Somehow, we think that if our relationship can't stay as it was when we agreed to "Happily ever after" that it's broken and it's time to move on.  Here's the thing, most likely you will confront the same issues again and again.

So how do you evolve and keep it hot and sexy in a relationship, marriage or long term partnership?

1. Commit to owning your own sexuality.  Have you really thought about what you want erotically in your own life? Do you have it? What has changed for you since you entered your relationship? It's crucial to do your own work. I have worked with countless women who have told me that they have never had an orgasm alone or with their partner.  Believe it or not, learning to access your shifting sexuality is often work best done at first without your partner!  Our sexual persona can sometimes get trapped in our relationship dynamics. Separating who you are sexually from how you engage with your partner is often the first crucial step.

2. Practice being sexual.  That's right, go flaunt yourself.  Wear clothing that makes you feel sexy.  Walk like you mean it. Go dancing. Read sexy books.  Touch your own body.  Change your look.

3.  Confront the fact that you might be sexually bored.  Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reason's relationships fail. Perhaps it's time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let's be clear, I'm talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!). It may be time for a "SexPloration Vacation".   Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together?  Or planned a private couple's sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here's the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant or caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that - most of us never learn to play erotically.  Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationship.  Trust me, you're not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money.  It's so worth it.

4. Compliment your partner.  When was the last time you told your partner that they did a great job giving you pleasure? Kindness and encouragement go a long way.

5.  When was the last time you brought something new to bed? That's right; I am talking sex toys. Take your partner on a desire tour. Plan a date around inviting something new and sexy into your relationship. There are so many new and exciting sex toys on the market. Grown ups like new toys too; buy one!

6.  Get real. When was the last time you and your partner actually talked about your sex life? Do it.

7.  It's only kinky the first time! What about sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner? This tip goes well with tip number 6.  And don't get discouraged if your first "kinky" experiment doesn't go well. Try again. We need to practice being sexual and trying new things! And consider doing something different that is just for your partner. Maybe you are not "into" being tied up but it doesn't freak you out and it really turns on your partner.  Maybe be willing to try it on for your partner if it is "neutral" for you.  Sometimes our kinks don't line up but they don't repulse us either.  Being able to offer your partner their sexual fantasy can be a great big turn on and can create an opening in your sexual relationship.

8.  Let the other person win the fight!  You don't always have to be right.  You know the expression: "Do you want to be happy or right?" Sometimes, it's worth it to let go of being right in favor of being sexy together.

Men: Better After 50

There is a lot of attention on older woman seeking younger men. I'm not one of them. I think that men get better after 50. And I am writing this because it's time to throw some love, affirmation, and attention on our “After 50” guys.

Like “After 50” women, you may be experiencing some changes in your body. It's possible that you might feel your strength ebb, and have moments where your body just doesn't do what you would like it do in every moment. But, as a woman, that's not what I care about. Let me tell you all about why many women (not just me) think that men who are more mature are hot.

1. Older men are way more interested in giving women attention then they are in their own penis. Younger men are often way more interested in their own genitalia. Just go to any dating site and some young dude will send you a picture of his cock. Really? It's like they have this brand new toy and they want everyone to see it. What are we suppose to say to “Penis Shots”? “Gee Honey, Nice Cock?” What is the right response? A more seasoned gentlemen would never do that. Instead, he will invite you in for a drink, murmur something about your beauty, ask you about yourself and offer to share some of his gifts. Older men have the patience and maturity to offer women what they want the most and that's feeling special. There are few things sexier than having a man's full and undivided presence. Men after 50 have figured out that it's not the cock that is really sexy – it's attention.

2. Older men are less interested in getting to “end game”. The growth of the brain and heart has reached a stage where it has outsized the male ego. There is an embodied, relaxed, innate knowledge that you are who you are. You no longer have to prove anything to anyone. And how you love a woman is just like that too. It's okay, we don't need you to leap tall buildings in a single bound or stop a train or leap over a cliff. But damn we do like your slow hand. Your experience in not rushing us. Your deep appreciation for our bodies just they way it is. Older men love all kinds of woman’s bodies in a way that is simply different than a young buck who want us to look the way they think we are suppose to look. And that image comes from a magazine – not real women. Men after 50 have been around. They have learned that women come in many different packages, and they love all of the varied tastes and have the staying power to simply trace the curves and enjoy the journey.

3) You're hot and you are not a physical Adonis. Which can allow me to breath into my changing body too! I like that your body sometimes aches at night from a life time of living, because mine does too. Let your flaws fly because that allows me to have orgasms without having to worry too much about my softer belly from having a baby or that stretch mark. It's hard to have ecstatic sex while striking a pose to show you my body at it's best angle. Really can I stop holding my breath?I love it that we can let go of our self consciousness about being perfect and have some really hot sex together! When I'm more relaxed, I feel sexier.

4) Personally I think that power is sexy. A powerful man can be physically strong, have money, social standing, knowledge, a sense of self and discipline. Wisdom is powerful. They have a sense of accountability rather than point fingers in your face. They say that they want to hold your emotions and then they can actually do that!v A powerful man owns himself. It's true that young men can have some of this too, but I have found that older men seem to gather this stuff up along with their laugh lines. I love powerful men. I rarely see this in men under the age of 40.

5) Older men know how to do things! They have this delicious tool box that is filled with all kinds of knowledge! I don't care if it is how to figure out my computer to how to tie me up in knots! They have some knowledge under their belt. It's not their first time at the rodeo for most things. My pussy is not the first pussy that they have done cunnilingus on! They have relationship skills, and can actually offer me insights to better a better friend and lover. They have lived a great big life before they got to me, and they are often able to help me figure out whatever mess I have gotten myself into. This is way more important to me than a six pack ab.

And to all of you women who are looking for young men to play with; I support you! Because you are helping build a better man with a larger tool box for those of us who will be waiting for the older model. And of course young men are beautiful and smart and are on their life's journey as we all have been.

But today, I wanted to celebrate where they will end up. As a hot silver fox who is ready, willing and able to hold a woman in full. Know, that there are many of us out there who wouldn't trade you for two 25 year old bench pressed surfer boys.

The Gift of Long Term Relationship: And 7 Tips

I have slept for most of 30 years with my husband spooned around my body. Like two swans. Anaïs Nin say this: “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” And this is true. All relationships change. It's an evolution. They will never be the same from one month to the next or one year to the following decade. When I was 17, I didn't need a "Fifty Shades of Gray" to get excited or turned on.That was not in my consciousness yet. I was who I was at 17 and I was whole and complete.

It was enough for my then boyfriend, now husband, to kiss me. I swear to all that is holy that I had an orgasm with that first kiss. All that I needed was his lips to touch mine.

That same kiss to me today, from my beloved of 33 years has a completely different delicious flavor today. And it's a kiss of the deepest love I think I have ever experienced. The kiss is not a climax or toes don't curl anymore.  The kiss is not the taste of a long desperate yearning or the thrill many of the erotic games and rituals that I so deeply enjoy and love in this place in my life.

I don't share that with this man 33 years later. I share something evolutionary. It is the kiss of a man with an incredible big heart that opens to me and sees me with incredible beauty. It's the gift of trust and of allowing me to always evolve without leaving me. That's the kiss. The kiss of extraordinary relationship loyalty. The gift of loving someone so completely that you can see them as 17, or holding your baby on an operating table near death, or the kiss of our empty nest. Or holding you while your grieve the losses in your life. Or dancing with you and cheering at each small victory that life brings. It is the kiss of comfort when your "outside relationship" is stretching you and you want to cry and kick and scream. And he says to be patient, and quiet and not to make a mess. How about some popcorn instead?

Not everyone will get to taste this unique, rare kiss of extended loving over a life time. It's take's a certain willingness to stay.  It takes a willingness to be looking at what used to work, and shifting to what works now. It takes a willingness to learn how to replenish love's source, as it's source is always changing. It takes a willingness to kiss the wounds and the tarnishing that all relationships experience. It takes a willingness to love through change without judgement.

Today as I opened my eyes, my husband reached over me and held me in his arms. His mouth reached down and offered me his kiss.  Again.

So how did we become marriage or long term relationship "survivors" and "thrivers"? 1.  Be willing to look at the need for connectedness and space to create a balance.  Fires need air.  Don't do everything together.

2.  Practice  erotic privacy not secrecy.  If one of you wants to watch porn, or has a sexual desire that you want to explore without your partner talk about it and do not hide it.  Secrets corrupt a relationship and everyone needs some erotic privacy. Privacy is different than lying and sneaking around. How do you have what you need and do not want to share with your partner without having a secret?

3. Being willing to be uncomfortable with the idea of allowing each person in the relationship to have experiences outside of the relationship. Whether it is a bicycle trip across the county or going to sexuality retreat for women.

4. Being willing to stay when you are bored, not turned on and totally restless and realizing that no matter who you choose to be with in life, "New Relationship Energy" fades and eventually you will get to this place again. So how do you work with it?

5. Do something unexpected in the relationship like work with a "Marriage Whisperer" and go on a private retreat for couples or attend a sexuality workshop for couples. Doing something spicy and edge pushing is sometimes exactly what a couple needs. We get stuck in routine and we think that "these kinds of experiences" are not for us.  Yes they are.

6. Being willing to be truthful when needs and desires change.

7. Look at yourself. How are you doing? Do you need to do something for you and your relationship with your body and your sexuality? Usually this is work that each person has to do on their own too.  We all need to evolve too. What are you doing to keep evolving? When was the last time you spoke to someone about sex, relationships, and your changing body? Do you have your own "Pleasure Plan"?

7.  Pay attention.  The biggest gift that long term couples can give each other is attention and presence. Are you holding hands? Saying "I love you" or noticing each other? Notice. Compliment and cheer each other on.

The Orgasmic Edge: A Sex Tip of Exquisite Pleasure and Torment

I was introduced to what is known as "Edging", "Peaking, Surfing, or even "Orgasm Control" in my training as a sex educator.  And I have to admit that it is one of my favorite pleasures. I love to introduce sexual technique to women at Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women couples in private retreats, workshops and coaching sessions.  Frankly, I personally enjoy surfing it's pleasures and exquisite torment.  It is my favorite dish! Extended Orgasm is a sexual technique which may be practiced either alone or with a partner and involves the keeping the recipient of the pleasure in a high level of erotic arousal for an extended period of time while not letting them climax or orgasm. This can go on for a period of minutes or hours or even days!

When the choice is made to allow the recipient to climax or orgasm the physical sensations may be much more explosive, expanded and frankly more pleasurable than if the orgasm were experienced with it's usually build up and release. But there is much pleasure in the play!

Some people have described the experience of being kept in heightened states of arousal for long periods of time as producing euphoric states and altered streams of consciousness like "Erotic Trance".  Orgasm control prolongs our pleasure and heightens the experience of sexual sensations  that occur during the final build-up to orgasm. It's a powerful experience for both the giver and the receiver whether you are "in control" of your partners climax or if you are the one delaying your own release.

Orgasm Edging Tips:

1.  If you are going to share this with a partner, I would start with full body touch, almost like giving a massage. "The Giver"  gradually move towards the genitals and would stimulate "The Receiver" with hands, fingers, sex toys, gradually bringing them up to the point high in the plateau phase of sexual response where an orgasm is actually building. Then "The Giver" would gradually move away from the genitals and move the energy to other parts of the body or simply  reduce the level of stimulation to just below that needed to set off the climax or orgasm.

2. Another way of playing with this is to give control of the orgasm to "The Giver" and play with something called "Orgasm Denial". With this lovely game,  orgasm is not allowed for even longer periods of time in order to develop an increased level of sexual tension. Remember that "Orgasm Games" can take some practice. Both the giver and the receiver have to really get to know each others responses. But by carefully varying the intensity, depth, techniques and speed of stimulation and lots of practice a "receiver" can be held in the highly aroused state near orgasm for an extraordinarily long time.  When the orgasm or climax is "allowed" it can be described as "earth shaking" or even "overwhelming".

3. You can even bring in elements of "Fifty Shades of Grey" if you choose to experiment that way. Some people enjoy creating an additional layer of power elements into this game and the person who is receiving the extended pleasure, or denial is called the "Submissive" can be even be put into restraints and or blindfolds for an added rush of not being in control.  The technical term for this game is "Tie and Tease" or "Tie and Deny".

4. You can play alone! Orgasm control is a way to be more creative with solo touch practices and can also be a great training ground for our own personal orgasmic responses. Masturbation or "Self Pleasuring" allows each of us to learn our own orgasmic response and practice having control over timing, the kind of touch we enjoy, speed of stimulation and our feelings in getting close to orgasm and then backing off and starting again. The term "edging" has been more closely associated with the solo practice where we experiment with stimulation until we reach that place right before climax happens (the plateau phase) and then we just stop or back off the stimulation just before orgasm occurs.

Self Pleasuring is a great training ground for people who want to play this game with a partner because you are in control of  your own intensity and don't have to rely on a partner to "guess" where you are in the game.  Playing alone is also a wonderful way not only to vary self pleasuring but it's also an easy way to learn your own capacity and limits in edging.

Playing with Orgasm Control or Extended Orgasm or any of the variations of these games are all about making every stroke count. This is all about heightening pleasure. When we play with our arousal we are not just trying to "get off". We are turning orgasm into a feast instead of something to get done. Arousal can become an unexplored lands of moans, groans, giggles, laughter, power play, and ecstatic trance states. It's a beautiful way to build communication and a sense of playfulness between partners and interesting enough when "The Giver" learns to spread the arousal and sensation all over "The Receivers" body there is a learning that our erotic response is not just held in our genitals. It can be found in all the parts of our bodies like soles of feet, nipples. lips, and arm pits in equal parts! My invitation to you is to explore your orgasm! It can be more than something to get done. It can be a surf board to ride!

Becoming An Artist of The Erotic

This is True and Fucking Big: Nothing expands me, rips me open and leaves me more vulnerable than love, desire, and the erotic. I remain in awe of it's power to turn my life upside and make my heart beat funny. This triple treat of human emotion's relentless invitation to me to drop my shit, trust, expand, be willing, lean in and love can toss my heart and soul around like a tiny boat on a huge restless ocean.And I will be a hot mess, until I'm done. And a resting place of realization fills my body and soul. Just like this time. Love, Desire, and the Erotic ask us to constantly be willing to be seen naked and raw. It's relentless in it's challenges to us to see things through a different lens. Just try to understand the erotic. I double dare you.

It's mostly impossible to nail down. It can be beyond challenging to understand what turns me on in the way that it turns me on and what turns you on in the way that it turns you on. Sometimes, they fit together like the perfect puzzle pieces and sometimes, it's more challenging. Sometimes, what is hot for me, is less so for you. But we are dating, lovers, life partners? What then?

And there can be boundaries. And fuck can those sometimes feel "personal". Those places where you are invited and those places where you are asked not to tread. Where those welcome mats are placed and removed can shake us to the core. Boundaries can feel restrictive, but when you really look inside they can create enormous freedom. Draw a circle and then stand instead of it. Can you feel all the space to create and dance in? That's a part of the erotic. And It's the speaking and the listening that can also build the fire of intimacy and create the safety for more air to get in if we can handle the discomfort. Can you digest all of this?

Here's the lesson: Can you play in all of that and feel hot, turned on, and desired? Can you learn to expand your own erotic dance within all of that, in a way that is both a turn on to you and your partner within erotic boundaries, turn ons, and the great unknown? Can you hang in there for the erotic evolution that is all of our sexuality? It's big right? It's an edge. It might even be fucking awesome if you allow yourself to become an artist of the erotic.

Screw Resolutions: 4 Tips On Creating Your Own Sexual Evolution

I've got something for you to consider. I don't have any New Year's Resolutions because I made one big resolution when I turned 50 and that was to turn New Year Resolution's into New Year's Evolutions! I declared that I was going to make my 50's the fullest I could possibly make it. It's a "Decade Evolution" where everyday is all about bringing it up, turning it on, molding my life, self examination and expanding the conversations in my life. I choose my fifties to be as intoxicating and productive as possible. I decided to fill this decade with giving generously to others, expanding the conversation around sexuality, knocking down walls, honoring my heart, new adventures, and a personal expanded sexuality. Ordinary simply does not interest me and I have let go of this idea of arriving.

Richard Dawkin's the evolutionist says that you don't wake up one day and find yourself to be old. You just very, very, very slowly go through all the stages of your life until one day you notice that you have gradually gotten lines on your face, or your hair has shifted to gray along with the rest of you. And somehow, without even noticing you have gone from mid life to old age. The evolution of your heart and sexuality is like that too.

You don't take a course, or work with a coach, or even do a retreat and wake up sexually evolved or have love and relationships handled. It's an evolution of becoming. Of opening your heart to new possibilities and experiences. It's about building new pathways in our bodies and in our hearts.

Collecting the data and processing it all. Slowly, slowly, slowly we work our way to a place in our bodies and in hearts that is a kind of arriving until the next place. It can happen so slowly, that you can arrive in this expanded place of being one moment after days, weeks, months or years of evolution. The journey is a gift not to be rush. Each evolution a turning point.

What about you?

What if you choose a New Year's Evolution instead of a Resolution around your relationship with your sexuality, your body image or your relationships. What would change in your life? Can I inspire you to flip New Year's on it's ass? Evolve instead of Resolve?

It's so much sexier!

Tip Sheet For Your Erotic Evolution:

Now that you get that this is not a THING you do to ARRIVE, but a delicious journey that you go, of course I have some ideas:

1.  BEND: Re-Define and Re-Imagine Relationship: There is nothing like learning to bend and not break. And I am not talking about learning how to do a yoga backward flip in bed as much fun as that could be! But after 50, we have done some living and you don't need the same things you might have needed in your 20's and 30's in relationship.  You may not need a partner to raise a family with. You may still be happy in your 30 year marriage but bored sexually. How can you re-define and re-imagine your current relationship or create a new one? Change your expectations around who your perfect love and sex partner may be.  Try letting go of  old beliefs about what you need to be happy in love and sex.

2. PRACTICE SEX: Re-Claim Your Libido:   It's true what they say: "Use it or Lose it".  Yes, I know you may be in peri-menopause or menopause. You have have physical body changes and emotional body changes after 50. But what if I told you that this could honestly be the hottest time of your life? That you can evolve hotter after menopause? I know that to be true. But if you don't practice being sexual you will numb out instead of firing up.  Self Pleasure, buy sex toys. Read erotica. Just do it.  Vibrators, lubricants, hormone replacement therapies and anticipation are a must!  What we actually do about sex, relationships, our relationship with our bodies and the choices we make in regard to our sexuality are crucial.  We need to practice being erotic!

3. Re-Imagine Your Sexuality: Do you flirt? Do you put on clothing that makes you feel hot? Who would you like to be sexually? How can you evolve there? There is so much out there in the world to support women after 50 to re-imagine, re-define and re-claim their sexuality. Consider working with a sexuality coach or go on a sexuality retreat created just for women. They do exist.

4.  Move the Fuck On: I know. Not very classy. But this idea of throwing this phrase at unpleasant situations, relationships, or ideas can be very freeing. Just say it out loud: "Move the Fuck On"! And it fits so many occasions! Good bye old belief about what I deserve in life!  I'm moving the Fuck On! See you later, unappreciative boyfriend!  "I'm moving the Fuck on! See you later 2014! I'm moving the Fuck On! You know, it even can work with the "WAH WAH WAH" voice in your head that tells you that you are not enough, not loved, appreciated or seen. Even THAT voice. Sometimes, you just need to just "Move the Fuck on" in order to feel hot and sexy in your own body.

Funny how things that change overnight often are years in the making. Earthquakes for instance. Plates deep beneath the surface move, shift, bump and grind for eons. All that subterranean actions sends up warning tremors, little rumbles that are often too small to notice. Until the big one hits, the one that shatters windows, brings down buildings, and snaps bridges in two.

You can be an an erotic earth quake after 50.

You really can evolve.

Please Sir. Can I have More?

I have been "The Queen of More" for a great deal of my life. Some people may have even called me insatiable. That desire for more has served me in spaces of creation. But in other times, that desire for more has brought me to my knees. I doubt that I am alone.

This is what I know to be true.  If you are a woman who lives a life of creation you will be endlessly hungry for the next thing, or more.

Everyday when you wake up, your nose will sniff possibility the way a dog seeks a bone.  Nothing will stop you because how could anything stifle your desire?

I am a creator and my desire for more possibility in my life is endless.  And the more I intentionally create the more I intentionally create.

And yes, there are the moments of having it. The extraordinary moment of holding my dreams in my heart and being in it.  The moments that I get to totally experience my own creations and bath in it. I can only describe it as ecstasy.

This is what I also know to be true; if you are not fully awake to your own sexuality - you will not be able to completely light the fire on your ability to create.  I do not care how successful you are; you can be more successful. There is more.  And why wouldn't you want more?

Light the fire. Invite your desire and feel the hunger.

Create.  Digest. Savor. And then do it again.

This is what is true for me now.

I am sitting in the richness of moments that were created by my own insatiable desires.  Creation brings moments. It's really that simple.

And it's the moments that keep me company. It is the moments that I allow into my body, heart and soul that I remember.

It is a kiss on a street corner. An experience with a lover at a bar, connecting eyes, a smile and a wink of recognition with a stranger on the street. It has been on retreats, on a massage table for a session, a conversation that is full between friends.

It is the bites.

Why wouldn't you be hungry for more of that?

I Want You To Be Hungry For More

This is what I know to be true. If you are a woman who lives a life of creation you will be endlessly hungry for the next thing, or more. Everyday when you wake up, your nose will sniff possibility the way a dog seeks a bone.  Nothing will stop you because how could anything stifle your desire?

I am a creator and my desire for more possibility in my life is endless.  And the more I intentionally create the more I intentionally create.

And yes, there are the moments of having it. The extraordinary moment of holding my dreams in my heart and being in it.  The moments that I get to totally experience my own creations and bath in it. I can only describe it as ecstasy.

This is what I also know to be true; if you are not fully awake to your own sexuality - you will not be able to completely light the fire on your ability to create.  I do not care how successful you are; you can be more successful. There is more.  And why wouldn't you want more?

Light the fire. Invite your desire and feel the hunger.

Create.  Digest. Savor. And then do it again.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Sexual Arousal Can Fuel "Creative Eroticism"

I believe that sexual arousal, passion and anticipation energy when nurtured, allowed and channeled fuels more than genital orgasm: it fuels a creative orgasm. Sexual arousal is the "Super Power" that so many of us are simply not tapping which I like to call "Creative Eroticism". Some people call "sexual arousal" erotic charge. And that's certainly not wrong. But I think it helps if we can identify that this feeling originates from our genitals and can enliven not just adult intimate interactions, but also artistic endeavors like painting, cooking, writing, acting, gardening and even creative and business partnerships.

Do I have any research to back up my claims? We can certainly look at the documentation of the very strong and active sex lives of  many geniuses, creators, leaders and entrepreneurs of the past and present.  There seem to be a very strong connection between living a life of creation and living a life filled with sexual energy.  This is also why many  people choose to work with people who they are attracted.

Lovers who work together report that they often feel more creatively alive and productive because there is an "arousal charge" that feeds their creative energy; this is "Creative Eroticism".  Almost everyone I encounter, knows someone who met their lover at work, or works with their lover.

I am not alone in my thinking either. More and more, sex educators are correlating our ability to feel sexually alive (arousal) with our ability to earn money. People in love create legendary works of creative expression in all of it's various forms.

This is what I know to be true in my own life; when I am erotically attracted to someone I have the energy and passion of ten women half my age. My brain fills with ideas that I can hardly wait to implement. I work faster, harder and happier.  And I know from the hundreds of women that I coach and attend my retreats ,that when they learn how to turn this engine on for themselves and flood their body with arousal that they are having the same results as a "Crush" or new relationship.

Sexual Energy more clearly defined as "Arousal Energy" and our "Creative Energy" are so strongly linked that they impact each other profoundly. Have you noticed that when you not moving your  sexual energy at all and feel disconnected from your body that your zest for life goes down?

There is an interesting mix of neuro-chemistry that goes when we wake up our arousal and when we learn how to harness,  channel and let it go - our inspiration rises in extraordinary ways.

Here are some ideas on how you can wake up your sexual energy to help channel it toward your own creative expression:

1.  Get back in touch with your body. It's literally your portal to creativity, abundance and pleasure. No matter what you think is "wrong" with your body it wants craves touch and love. You do not have to depend on your partner if you have one. You can touch yourself, get a massage, or work with a practitioner.

2. Build a Pleasure Plan. Having a plan of dependable pleasure in your life will build anticipation in your life. And anticipation builds arousal which leads to creativity and happiness! Our arousal loves to be stoked with anticipation and and yearning for what is to come. This is not magic, you can create this in your life!

3. If you can find somebody to "Crush" on; have at it. Crushes do not have to be fulfilled. And sometimes, they are best left as "muses". But a muse or "crush" can certainly raise our arousal levels! How many love songs have been written for unrequited love?

Accessing "Creative Eroticism" in your life is something you have complete control of . Sometimes it floods in with a new lover, or muse - but most of the time we have to bring it to ourselves.  Learning how to have bring it, channel it and access it is not rocket science. It just takes a little commitment and a desire for more.

The "Flexible" Marriage

Have you read Sex at Dawn which makes the case that we humans are at our core not monogamous creatures? That in many ways monogamy is a societal concept - imposed on us by religion and many other factors. I loved the book, but for me personally it's a big leap from there to being fully polyamorous or in an open marriage.

And yet my memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about wanting more....and staying married.  My personal ethos keeps evolving, but the same question keeps being raised: So, how do you get more - and stay monogamous? Or how do you expand on monogamous but stay out of OKCupid?

Is there a solution outside of going from marriage to marriage in a serial monogamy routine that so many of us fall into because we need more on some level? Is there something in-between monogamy and full out polyarmory or open marriage? Right now this is a hot topic in the world of sexuality and relationship.

Is "Polyamory" the  new more accepted term for  "Open Marriage"? We are certainly hearing that term more and more and some are saying that it is next big sexual revolution. I am living something else - which I call the Monogamish Marriage. Which is a kind of  middle ground of sorts.

Sexuality and relationship is all about taking what works for you and your partner and leaving the rest. I love the idea of creating a sexuality and relationship that is all your own. But we can learn from what others are doing. And I do. All the time. When I first thought of the term "expanded monogamy" I thought that I had coined a new term. But a quick search on google turned up several references to expanded monogamy with different definitions. In my version of expanded monogamy - a couple sets the rules of sexual exploration that fit with their own set of personal boundaries that in my own rule book does not include taking a "traditional lover".

Now, you may ask me what what taking a "Traditional Lover" means.  I might answer. I might not!

In my take on expanded monogamy - I am not talking about what been called an "Open Marriage". My version has boundaries that may seem outside of the box for some - but for others may seem quite restrictive. What is agreeable to one couple may not be agreeable to another. In my story - Shameless - I realize that I created a form of expanded monogamy and developed with my husband a way for me to explore my sexuality that did not fit the traditional outline of monogamy but was not polygamy either.

We are also not so good at finding middle places in our society.  It feels like every day  people  ask me questions like "How did your husband feel about you going to a Tantra workshop?" or ""Did you husband get jealous of you working with hands on sexual healers?" What about your explorations of Bd/Sm? How does he feel about that? How does your husband feel about you work at Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women?   Does he approve? No matter where I am in the country - I am asked the same questions over and over again about my adventures into the underground world of sacred sexuality.

In my search for language - I am embracing the term expanded monogamy or being monogamISH and I would like to introduce it to you if you are unfamiliar with it. In my own expanded monogamous marriage - I have had  room to go to sexuality workshops that include me exploring my own sexuality with myself and with others within boundaries and usually in a supervised workshop setting. I am able to be playful in my sexuality - which keeps my own inner fire alive and my marriage intact. It has become essential to me to be able to explore who I am as an individual as well as in my marriage.

In my own expanded monogamous marriage - both my husband and I have had the space to work with sexological body workers who are there to support us on our own individual paths. We attended sexuality workshops -  which may include us working with sexual energy techniques like moving our breath with other people - or eye gazing. This is what inspired me to create Back to The Body. I wanted a safe place for all women no matter their marital status to have a place to come to explore their sexuality.

In my own expanded monogamish relationship, I explore Bd/Sm (think Fifty Shades of Grey) without my husband because he isn't interested in it, and it is a very important form of erotic expression for me.  That is "Untraditional" love that I speak about, in case you were wondering.

Having the space to explore and experiment with my sexuality within the boundaries of an expanded monogamy has supported my 30 year marriage into a place where both my husband and I are happy and has helped us keep the light burning in our own marriage bed. Having room to expand your sexuality and explore over time may turn a once sexless marriage into something else.

Creating some room in our relationships for turning up the heat on our sexuality does not have to mean leaving the marriage or sneaking around.  We simply have to bring this possibility out into the world.  I do not hide.  There is no shame.

If we have the room to experiment and expand our own sexuality without shame - I believe that more people would not feel like they have to leave their primary relationships. We just may need more room to breathe. It's about creating sexual agreements that work for each partnership - and allowing each other the room to grow without ditching your lives.