About a little over a year ago - I took my 21 year old son known as "Andrew" in my memoir SHAMELESS to lunch. We went to the diner - where the old people and the young mother's with their little kids eat. It's called - "Blue Bay" - and it has been there since the year of the flood. I ate there when I was pregnant and it was one of my son's first dining experiences.
"Mom - you look so sad lately. So beaten. What is up with that?"
"Oh Andrew. I am just so done - and a little scared. Done with worrying about being "found out" - done with having to feel that a part of my life is a secret life - done with all of it. I hate secrets and I hate that people think that they can "out" me. And out me for what? Living my life fully and without shame? Sometimes, people are just plain mean. And now I am doing this book - telling my story - and I really believe that it is going to happen that I am going to get it published - and once again - it is going to take a tremendous amount of courage because there are very few people that talk as honestly as I do about sex - and desire.
There will be no more secrets - or at least very few! Coming out and telling my story - and wondering how the world will welcome me. The risks to my career that anyone faces - anytime that they talk openly in this country about sexuality. Honey - you know that it has come already with costs. Sometimes I feel like I have failed you - in my desire to talk about all of what has happened in my life. It is daunting sometimes - that is what you see in my face. What if I fail and I ruin it all for us?"
Andrew looks at me - and says "Ever tried. Ever Failed. No Matter. Try Again. Fail Better.- That is by Samuel Beckett".
My son reaches for my hand across the table and smiles at me. "Come on Mom....fail better this time!"
No mother could love a son more.
The publication date is January 18th, 2011. We are a Shameless family and we are going to fail better together!
