4 Tips On How To Change The Sexually Hungry Marriage

It can go like this: You want sex and your partner doesn't.  Or your partner wants sex and you don't.  Or it seems like neither one of you want sex and are more interested in watching NetFlicks. What's up with that? You know that you love each other and yet the idea of sex is just not that exciting and that seems somehow wrong. What then? The issues of sexual desire, unmet erotic needs, mismatched libidos, and the ravages of time in a long term relationship or marriage are among the most common rants of the sex unhappy. I know, not only because I work with hundreds of women who are living it right now, but because I have been a sex unhappy wife. I had the guts to do something about it, managed to stayed married (33 years this summer). Yes, I was a child bride.

Couples can become sex unhappy for so many reasons.  We have: mismatched time clocks, work pressures,  family pressures,  our sexual tastes can change over time including what turns us on, and married sex can fall into a boring routine. As my husband so clearly put it in an interview; "We knew exactly what was going to happen every time we had sex."  And then there is  self image; many men get concerned about their erections as they get older, and many women get sexually shut down by their relationship with their own bodies.  Illness can change our bodies and our sexual appetites: it can be a lot to deal with breast cancer or prostate cancer and face some very real shifts in how we function in our bodies erotically.  One thing is for sure, the sex unhappy marriage is a painful place to hang out in.

As a sex unhappy survivor, I think it's important to understand that it's normal for sexual desire to wane a bit in long-term relationship. I don't think people are always honest when they participate in surveys about how often they have sex and that creates a feeling that “something must be wrong with us”.  People don't want other people to know what is going on in their bedrooms. It's scary. They worry about being judged, or that they or their relationship is somehow broken.

As a sex coach, I personally think there is a lot more to marriage than sex—but that sex is still an important part of marriage. The fact is, my husband and I have a beautiful marriage. We are life partners. And we don't have sex twice a week. Sometimes a months goes by. It's true. And I have other outlets for my sexual expression. I have cultivated that - and have helped other women cultivate that as well. But that doesn't mean that we are not physically affectionate with each other every single day. We hug, hold hands, kiss, cuddle, and sleep spooning around each others bodies. We communicate openly about our desires, even the parts of our sexual desires that simply don't match up. We have figured out a solution to make room in our marriage for all of it in a way that works for us. I am no longer a sexually unhappy wife, and I have my husband to thank for that. A part of that is not what he gives me directly—but how he allows me to be in the world.

Being sexual with each other is a choice.  And you need to be willing to put aside time, and attention for each other. This is all about doing something different and breaking the pattern that you are in. If you have reached a place in your relationship where you are ready to try on making a change from sexually hungry to sexually satisfied: I have some tips!

1: What is true is that we talk a lot about sex—but rarely to the person that we are having sex with. Having the sex talk, especially if you are unhappy, is probably the most vulnerable conversation a couple can have. Often we feel shut down around the sex conversation because we worry that our partner won't accept our true desires, or worse—that they will judge us or leave us. Just do it. Sit down and open the conversation with your partner.  Have a sex inquiry with them. Ask questions such as "What would you like that you are not getting?"

2.  Talk honestly about being sexually bored. It happens! Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reason we stop having sex with each other!  Perhaps it's time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let's be clear, I'm talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!). It may be time for a "SexPloration Vacation".   Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together?  Or planned a private couple's sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here's the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant or caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that - most of us never learn to play erotically.  Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationship.  Trust me, you're not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money.  It's so worth it.

3. Stop thinking about intercourse and put the focus on outercourse. Buy a massage table! Learn about giving and receiving erotic massage to each other! Really! I do this with all of the couples that I work with - and it's a winner! Putting your attention on each other on a massage table is a brand new experience for many people. And with some creativity the massage table can become a brand new sex toy in your home!

4. Play sex games that involve asking each other questions! There are many sex games on the market that invite communication and playfulness. Explore them.

Have the courage to do something different. Sometimes you just have to lean into your fear and do it. I did it. And trust me, my little adventure into becoming sexually whole is not ordinary.  Still, the world didn't fall apart. My husband didn't leave me. There was a little drama and a few tears, and the conversation about our sex life is ongoing.

You can have a sex happy marriage even in a long term one. It takes a lot of vulnerability, less talk about being unhappy and more action into changing your situation! And remember, sex is like our economy. It has its ups and downs—but that doesn't mean you can't be in it for a very happy and fulfilling lifetime.

How Turning Fifty May Turn Your Life Upside Down

I don't care if you are in your mid forties or mid 50's. If you are anywhere near the years around that mid way mark of 50, you are in a crucial time of your life when you are ready for something more. Frankly, you may be really, really, really bored. If you have kids, they are grown or mostly grown enough for you to do what you want in your own life without having to worry about baby sitters or if they are old enough to be left alone. Your career may very well be on track, and you are less worried about making a change in your life that might upset your partner, family, or friends.

My bet is that you are smart, educated and have read a lot of books, seen too many talk shows, and have experimented with a lot stuff already. You may have all the buzz words down and you have already learned how to "quiet the mind", eat raw, juice, support your adrenals, balance you hormones, protect you gut, walk, meditate, detox, do the master cleanse, use food as medicine, find God, and you may have even looked at your own vagina in a mirror many times. You might even have checked out a "Tantra" book or two from the library, or attended a yoga retreat.

You may have checked out coffee and wheat grass enemas, plasma rich platelets, stem cells, manifestation, the power of positive thinking and the power of now. And all of this may have only added to this feeling that all of this is not what you are seeking right now.

Maybe the media is feeding us this message that when we are nearing 50 or after 50, our main focus should be all about living longer and looking younger, while you may be wanting to simply feel more alive.

For the first time in your very busy and achieving life, you may actually want to let go of responsibilities and get exploring. You are not alone. Divorce statistics show women that in 50-plus age group are leaving their marriages, starting new ones, choosing to be single by choice, ditching it all or even starting new careers.

Women turning or nearing 50 are being the initiators of change in their own lives. And not all of us are ready to do some kind of replay of "Eat, Pray, Love" in a pizzeria in Italy or an ashram in India. But we do want more and we are ready.

Here's the trick: it's all about understanding whether to respond to this "Season of Discontent" by completely ditching your life, making radical changes or if it's possible to find a less 'all or nothing' way to take a plunge into a more exciting life style?

Here's my tip. Start with re-exploring your own body and your own sexuality before you decide to throw everything up in the air. The boredom you are feeling may just be with your own abandoned, bored vagina. Start there, with your own relationship to your own sexuality and then see what you really want in your life. You might be really surprised.

And you can do that without ditching everything in your life. I did.

Feminism Reborn

Sometimes we get to experience a perfect storm. When we find our family, our own bodies, our art, and our relationships under attack. I am in the middle of a perfect storm, and I am stunned. That place where see these interconnecting links and patterns in our society around the views that are held around the feminine. And then we get to see  those views directly affect our lives and the lives of people that we love.

It all began when I was asked recently to give an interview about my views on feminism for a young sex educator is Seattle who was taking a course on female studies.  I wish I could take my interview back.  I can see my arrogance now. My own stupidity in believing that women had come of age and that feminism was almost passe. I told her that women like me simply accepted our equals rights - at least in America.

That we have stepped on the shoulders of the women that came before, and now we walk in their glory. That for most American women, we simply accepted our full fledged rights, and believed that were were considered equal. Well, horseshit.  I take it all back. I was wrong. Over the last four months I come to see this line through the health care system and through our very own sex community where we doubt a woman's voice on some very deep levels.

Where a woman’s sexuality and desires are still judged, shamed and turned into some kind of "disorder", where we can't say "Clitoris" or write "Clitoris".  Because it'a a part of the female body that is directly linked to female sexual pleasure.

And while we have gotten to a place where we can speak "Vagina" in some places - the Vagina is not directly linked to female pleasure.  The vagina can be also be seen as a vehicle for birth and male pleasure.  It has other purposes other than female pleasure, so, the vagina is starting to get  a "pass".  But there are still parts of the world they are still cutting out the female clitoris because female pleasure is unseemly - dare I say it? Dangerous.

We live in a world where a woman who is well educated and respected in the health care field (my sister) is dismissed in her symptoms for FOUR months and told she was having anxiety and should see a shrink. The same sister is who just had brain surgery and yes, we lost four months. Because she was dismissed as crazy or stressed or anxious. And it's not just men, it is also women who display this underlying misogynistic behavior, where society tends to characterize women in crisis on any level as “She doesn't know her own mind.” And you better be careful and "not dip your dick in crazy".  Do we have similar slams against the masculine? I don't think so.

Why are women always threatened with the word "Crazy"? We were put in asylums when we fought for the vote! "Crazy" or "Hysterical" is used as a way of deflecting a woman's true expression of her feelings and desires, it's a misuse of the term, and it's a way of dismissing a woman's feelings, creating distrust in a woman's authentic experience, and point of views.

And it's a covert way of diminishing a woman's power of her own sexual  and personal agency. It undermines her in every possible way and the impact can be extraordinary and expensive. And so many of us buy it again and again.

Being dismissed in this way is very expensive on so many levels. When we look to discredit a woman in the authenticity of her experience we impact her life and the culture around her in so many countless ways that it can make my head spin.

It is astonishing to me, that good people are still throwing "crazy" around as a way of dismissing and diminishing a woman's voice — and taking away her sexual, political or wellness agency by making her “suspect.” It's all about making the feminine "suspect", that's the easiest way to discredit her. Watch it play out around you - once you start to pay attention you will be shocked at who is playing this game.

Supporting women to believe in their power and have the ability to act on behalf of their own needs, desires, and wishes is supporting women to have “agency" in all areas of their lives. That is the game I am playing. That is where I want to support women to live.

We continue to convince women to internalize the sociocultural assumptions that grant their male partners, the political and health care system and their communities needs over their own.  We shame women for listening to their own voice and their own needs.

Understanding this pattern of behavior is empowering to women as they negotiate their personal and complete agency with health care providers, lovers, and life partners. We have to learn to recognize the pattern so we can break it.

And yes, there is still some fear of sexually empowered women – just under the surface. In the recent documentary "This Film is Not Yet Rated" the dreaded NC 17  rating which is basically an X rated, is not given for violence.  You can shoot down an entire village of children and not get a NC 17. But show a woman having too much sexual pleasure? You will get that NC17 rating so fast that your head will spin.

Maybe that is why Clitoris is such a loaded word.

Look how far we have come in the conversation around gender equality and yet where it gets kinky, is when we talk about sexual pleasure and the female clitoris. I just had the word removed the title of a popular blog that I just wrote.

Historically, sex-related language has been a highly sensitive area.  But many of us think that in Western countries at the very least, that we cannot tolerate or defend any form of public censorship around the use of sex related language as it pertains to basic human anatomy - yet in the United States women's bodies are being censored through language routinely and there simply isn't a lot of  discussion around this and the psychological effects that this censorship has on women's relationship with their own bodies. In fact, while scanning the literature - I could find very little.  And this ties into everything I have said above. This is a web. A perfect storm that can happen to any woman, at any time.

Many of us have experience with the female body being censored.  Breast feeding in public is a very well known topic of censorship because we have sexual fetishism around the female breast, and cannot somehow understand that the breast has other functions other than  getting people off.  So no naked breasts or nipples on Facebook, but men are allowed to go bare chested.

But again, in contrast, I have heard very little about the use of language in the realm of censorship of the female body, but as a writer and and sex educator for women this is something that I confront all the time. And if we are not allowed to speak female bodies how are we suppose to understand women's bodies?

Censoring our language, and our ability to write and name our body parts is a very under studied and insidious way of keeping girls and women in their place.  If the simple naming of our own anatomy is pornographic, unseemly and an embarrassment - how are women able to relate to our bodies?

When I tried to update Facebook from my snazzy new Samsung Note Three, I was unable to write the word clitoris.  My auto correct kept insisting that I was trying to write "Clinton".  My friend with an iphone was offered the word "citrus".

I had no problems writing "penis" or "scrotum".

In a interview I did awhile back in the Detroit Free Press for an article entitled "The V Word" all about the use of the word "Vagina", commentators were not allowed to use the word Vagina in the comments section. It was deleted as it was declared pornographic.

In  The Second Sex by Simone De Beauvoir,  De Beauvior recognizes that “to be present in the world implies strictly that there exists a body which is at once a material thing in the world and a point of view towards the world” (Beauvoir 39).  But we are still denying the body.

This is a very complicated web that we are weaving. A web where some are being seen and told that they  do not  know their own mind.  A society that makes violence more acceptable than female sexual pleasure. And we feel it, us empowered women anyway.

We feel this fear and tamp down - all of us are doing it on some level - yes even me.

After all we don't want to be out cast. Whether it is through how we express our desires, or how we are heard. It's a price I'm no longer willing to pay anymore on any level. I wheeled my sister into major surgery. For four months she was dismissed.  I have heard women who have emotions, are outspoken about sexuality and their own desire dismissed as "crazy".  I have had my own writing censored.  I am so done with all of it.

Fine, if I have to reclaim the word "feminist" as my own then I will.  I'm angry and I'm willing to use my voice.

Reclaiming My Surrender

I have been working with aspects of my own relationship with surrender for ten years now. When I finally was able to let go of my shame around my own erotic desires it sent me down a path of healing and transformation that shifted every part of my life. But that is not what this blog is about. Recently, a very powerful Dominance and submission (D/s) relationship ended abruptly for me. The man who I expressed my surrender to no longer was interested in me that way. It came as a powerful shock to my heart. I had no idea what I was suppose to do with all of this grief, and my desires around some of the ways that I express my relationship with surrender.  The relationship was filled with ritual; and one of those rituals was the wearing of a collar.

One of my counselors (yes, even life coaches have life coaches), suggested that I bury a symbol of my submission to this man. I choose the leather collar that was made especially for me by a beloved friend with a blue crystal hanging off of it. I loved my collar and what it represented.  Not only my submission to this man, but my relationship to surrender.

When I was released from my "collar" with this man, it seemed that the obvious thing was to bury the collar - as a way of letting go.

So I did it. I walked in the snow into the woods, with a candle, some sage and my beloved collar. I didn't bury it in the ground. I put it in a tree. The tree had this opening that reminded me of a vulva. So I did this ritual and put the collar inside the womb of the tree. I lit a candle, said some chants and buried it deep with leaves and twigs.

Over the next few weeks I checked on the collar. I removed it from the tree and wanted it back, but I told myself that this would be unhealthy.

Until today. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks. That was MY collar, not his. My collar represented the gift of my surrender. It was a gift, and he returned it. But it was always mine.

That's why it felt wrong to me to bury the collar, it was like burying an aspect of myself and giving it up because  this man didn't want it any more. It didn't mean that my relationship with surrender needed to end. It was not over because he choose not to engage with me around it.  Surrender was something that was totally mine, and I got to express it in any way that I choose to in my life. And if that collar was an important symbol to me, that I needed to go get it.

So, off I went to find that tree again in the woods. Since I had been in the woods, somebody in forestry had cut down a bunch of trees. I got really nervous, was the tree gone? At first I almost couldn't find it, but I just surrendered.....and there it was.

And after six weeks, the collar was inside the tree just where I left it. The tree had done a beautiful job holding the symbol of my gift. I thanked her, and let my hands touch the leather. The blue crystal was fabulous in the light.

My surrender is mine. It is a gift that I give to myself, and sometimes share with others. No one has the power to take that from me.

It was delicious to reclaim that today.

Your Relationship with Sexuality Is Unique

Every relationship with sexuality is unique. Just because we share the knowledge that we both  enjoy a particular sex toy doesn't mean that we will experience it the same way. No one can feel an erotic feeling or emotion tied to sexuality just the way you. All of our feelings and how we process experiences are uniquely our own.

That can be really hard when people want others to "give them an experience" and "get it right".  There are countless people who want to lay back and have sexual bliss simply handed to them. It's sounds great. But it can be a really difficult mission to complete successfully.  Delicious sex requires communication whether it's through verbal or non verbal communication. Communicating around sex and sexual desire can be one of the most difficult things any of us can do. And nobody teaches us how to do this.

Yet, imagine wanting someone to "do us" when so many of us don't really know what it is that we want - let alone speak it!  So how can we expect someone to give it to us?

And then, it's back to square one because each of our relationships with sexual pleasure is unique, it can be hard to "give people" erotic experiences without their participation.

Many people are afraid of their own sexual feelings and their desires. We are often told not to feel our own erotic being. We are counseled to tamp it down. We label our desires as being out of the norm or kinky. We learn to change the subject when thoughts about our relationship with sex surface or distract ourselves to other endeavors. We try to intellectualize or medicalize our relationship with our sexual selves. And frankly, it does not work very well.

We end up feeling cut off from our sexual bodies, numb, resistant, shamed, or in some way cut off from the very experiences that we want.And when we do speak our desires, often we don't feel heard.

So, if we can agree that all of our relationships to sexuality is unique - how do we go about creating a better relationship with sex?

1. Prepare for change.  Decide that you are ready to change your relationship with your own sexuality. Acknowledge that you feel like there is something missing, a problem a disconnect. Acknowledge that you want to feel more than you are currently feeling.

2. Choose to make a change with your relationship with your own sexuality. If you are in a partnered relationship you may choose to speak with your partner about your desires for change. If you are not in a partnered sexual relationship you may begin by opening the conversation with yourself about what you feel you are missing and wanting. You may choose to seek the help of a sexuality coach or sign up for a program created to support people explore their sexuality.

3. Taking the choice into action: Many people are now seeking out the support of sex educators to learn new tools and ways of being with their sexuality. Sexological Body Workers and Sexuality Coaches learn to listen to people's bodies and words. Instead of trying to give people experiences or know what is best for them - experienced sex educators learn how to listen, guide and support people to finding their own answers - and assist them in learning the tools so that they can communicate them. This work can be done with or without our partners - depending in your life circumstance and your desires.

Start with this premise. Your relationship with your own sexuality is unique. No one can feel what you are feeling. But you can be supported in being more loving, self accepting and more sexually actualized. You can have more of whatever it is you are wanting.  You simply need to want to have change, prepare for change, and take action.

Ladies: Can You Love Yourself and Not Trust Other Women?

Women are harder on each other than men are on each other.  I don't have a study to back that up. That observation comes from a life time of being around women. One theory is that we want men to like us: - a lot. More than anything we want men to validate our beauty, our desirability, and our brilliance. After all, many women have been taught their entire lives that we are not worth anything unless a man tells us so. We cut our teeth on learning how to flirt and gain the attention and approval of men. And if the current masculine culture says that women are not to be trusted, that women are sneaky and snarky; we learn to stay away from women too. So, is the female distrust of females all the result of a misogynistic culture? Perhaps. And does the root cause matter? Or is the central issue truly about what this female to female mistrust does to our own sense of our selves as women? Can women heal their own issues with their body and their sexuality without being able to feel trust with other women? q

The healing that women need to do with other women has been the most eye opening part of my work with women's sexuality and body issues both in my private coaching practice and  during "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women" .

There is some research that shows that women, during their college years, were less likely to want to be friends with other women who are seen as sexually active.  The study showed that these women clearly noticed the "sexually alive" female peer and, as a result, held a negative view of her.  Can we ever really heal our own issues with our bodies, our sexuality, and our feelings of self worth if we hold these views of other women?  And what about these views? Are they really what they seem to be on the surface?

When we judge another woman on her sexual expression is that a sign that we are living in fear and judgement of our own bodies and sexuality? If we cannot celebrate another woman in her sexual aliveness can we be vulnerable enough to truly celebrate ourselves? If we hold the belief that women are sneaky, snarky nasty bitches who are not trustworthy, aren't we on the deepest of levels talking about ourselves?

My work with women has shown me again and again that this disconnect, judgement and competitiveness  with other women comes from a wounded place inside ourselves. When we feel inadequate and defensive about our own femaleness, we have little tolerance for women who seem to own theirs.

In our judgement of other women we are actually often covetous of what they have and how they behave.

So how does the healing begin? As in any healing journey - there isn't one way.  I do believe that if we women want to come back to our own bodies and learn to truly love ourselves, we also need to begin to open up to trust with other women.

If women can't trust other women; if we can't form relationships with other women,  support other women and see the beauty in their bodies and sexual expression - we are disconnecting from ourselves in a subtle and destructive way.

Notice other women and try on seeing them with curiosity and compassion. And then bring that curiosity and compassion back to yourself.  Offer them compliments and go out of your way to say nice things about them to other people both in front of other women and behind their backs.

Take the time to learn about your body and practice being kind to all of you. Bring that kindness to the women around you.  Don't join in when people bash other women around their sexuality, clothing, self- expression, and weight. Whenever we do this, we are in some way not only hurting them, but cutting ourselves.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Hide and Seek

Here's the thing, if you really really want to hide - you can. You can hide from the mirror.  You can hide in the dark and in baggy clothes. You can hide your sexuality from yourself and from the world.  If you want to hide, you can hide.  And hiding in plain sight is a special talent. But we practice it. We learn to put on masks and be seen just the way we think the world needs to see us if we want to be accepted. We hide out of own vulnerability - and the fear of rejection and ridicule. But that doesn't change our desires. Even while we're hiding we want. We may want to be desired. We may want to desire. We may want more in our lives - and we may really want the capability to have full erotic expression.

So many of us think that we are broken sexually and undesirable. One of the most important lessons I have learned about sex and bodies is that there is a body out there for everyone! Some people think that skinny, hard bodies with small breasts is the hottest thing around. And other people think that soft, curvy big breasted women are what they want to dive into. We like men with body hair and bald heads and men with long hair with wiry beards.  Bodies are sexy and they are all different.  And there are plenty of people who will think you are sexy if you think you are sexy. But you may be too busy  figuring out how to hide to notice.

Not only do too many of us think we are repulsive naked, but we are convinced that we are incapable of "doing sex right".

There is this fear that we don't know how to touch, or be sexual. There is this fear that no one would want to see us naked or touch us in a way that would give us pleasure - even if we knew what that was.

Here is the truth: Being sexual is vulnerable. It does usually involve being naked and being seen. It's really hard to be fully sexual and hide at the same time - but it's amazing how many people do manage that skill! They learn to separate their body from their mind. And if you can manage that skill - that really difficult skill of enduring sex - imagine what it could be like to embrace your vulnerability and take on pleasure?

Most people in the world don't know what their body is capable of when it comes to sensual pleasure. It's no one's fault, and no one is broken. We are simply not taught how to give touch or how to receive touch. And I don't think we can learn this through videos or books. Not really. I think we learn this by doing, by receiving, by practice and by example. My favorite part of any retreat, is hearing a woman say: "I didn't know that I could feel that. I didn't know that this kind of pleasure was available to me." And then watching their entire life begin to shift.

If you really want to hide, you can hide forever. Or you can embrace your vulnerability, welcome in fear and take a step towards being seen. It's like taking a step towards healing, pleasure and transformation.

One step might be to join my "Shameless Community". 

It usually costs $25.00 to join. But put in the words "Hide and Seek Offer" in your profile, and I will invite you in as my gift.

Go ahead. Take a step. Come out of hiding.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone!

Are you ready to do it? You know what it is - that thing you have been wanting so badly? Are you ready to move outside of your comfort zone and really go after it? Think of it as going on a safari into your new way of living your own life. Put on your sun screen, pack your map, the bug spray, plenty of snacks (you don't want to be hungry in the middle of the jungle), and make sure you have good comfortable walking shoes. If it was me, I would also be packing some really sexy underwear - because I want to sashay into my adventure! Build your team. Who is on it? Do you have a guide? Folks to help you cut down the great big vines? You can go it alone - some adventures are fabulous solo. But personally, I have always liked a team around me, even if their only job was to cheer me on. Franky, the cheering section is not over rated!

There is no easy way to get what you want. But there are lots of fun and adventurous ways. It might not be easy - at least in the very beginning when you are asking yourself to step outside of your comfort zone to get the goodies. Don't buy the snake oil, swallow the magic pill, or talk yourself in circles about the wouldas, couldas and shouldas. Sometimes, like is a Nike commercial: we have to just do it.

I believe in you. I know that each day you are taking the next step, and moving your own personal obstacles out of the way. You know their names don't you? "Obligation", "Resistance," "Shame," "Anxiety", "Fear" "Selfishness", "Money", and "Work". I am sure that I left a few out - but you get the idea. All of these feelings live in our comfort zone with us! They help us stay in it - by waving their warning flags. They don't want us to leave them behind!

But I can tell that your bags are packed, and you are ready. I can't even imagine the places, adventures, and pleasures that await you. You so can do this. And I hear that this is the perfect time of the year for a safari!

Leading the way and loving you from here,

Pamela

Can You Dare To Eat?

Can you feel your hunger? I am so sick of diets. And I don't mean food restriction diets either. There are so many different kinds of diets that we are either put on, or put ourselves on. There are financial diets (we call them budgets), There are sexual diets (often we are put on these by partners who cannot meet us erotically, or by our own stubbornness in not being willing to get to know our own bodies and feed ourselves), there are emotional diets (where we settle for "emotional crumbs" given out by friends, lovers and ourselves when love is parceled out in tiny bits and pieces - often just enough for us to "stay in") and then there are food diets where we restrict according to the latest information about how to be oh so beautiful.

Damn, I could go on and on - because I have been on every diet known to mankind. And if I wasn't on a diet, I was numbing my desire out with food addiction or shopping. Anything not to feel the absolute need in my body for things that I felt were not for me, or just out of reach. And then I had to stop the addiction, because there was no choice. My eating disorder had to go, and in it's place came lots and lots of big powerful feelings.

In the Shameless Community right now, so many of our close to 700 members are writing about our own re-birthing process out of numbness into being fully erotic creatures again. The blogs are raw, sexy and stunning, and they inspired me to write this blog!

No matter how far we are into this journey - it is an always process. I believe if you think you have arrived, you probably have gone back to numbing again in some way. We are always growing and changing - we are always in some stage of growing into and out of our skin).

The good news is that there are plateaus of coming home to yourself where you just get to roll around in the sheer joy of it all. And sometimes the process of getting back truly into our bodies is full of incredible pleasure and unbounded playful self discovery.

I would love to invite you to take a minute and be still. Allow yourself to feel the hunger of desire in your beautiful body and then close your eyes and ask yourself two questions:

1. What do you want?

2. What is getting in your way?

You may need to ask this question of yourself ten times for each question! Write down your responses. These are deep soul questions. And then look at the "diets" you have put yourself on. Are you ready to eat?

Loving you from here,

Pamela

That Insatiable Hunger: Part One of Hundreds

Pamela talks about the leak in our lives that can cause insatiable hunger.

The Un-Open Yet Flexible Marriage

Have you read Sex at Dawn which makes the case that we humans are at our core not monogamous creatures? That in many ways monogamy is a societal concept - imposed on us by religion and many other factors. I loved the book, but for me personally it's a big leap from there to being polyamorous or in an open marriage. And yet my memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about wanting more....and staying married.  My personal ethos keeps evolving, but the same question keeps being raised: So, how do you get more - and stay monogamous?

Is there a solution outside of going from marriage to marriage in a serial monogamy routine that so many of us fall into because we need more on some level? Is there something in-between monogamy and full out polyamory or open marriage? Right now this is a hot topic in the world of sexuality and relationship.

Is polyamory the  new more accepted term for Open Marriage? We are certainly hearing that term more and more and some are saying that it is next big sexual revolution. I am living something else - which I call the Monogamish Marriage. Which is a kind of  middle ground of sorts. When I first thought of the term "expanded monogamy" I thought that I had coined a new term. But a quick search on google turned up several references to expanded monogamy with different definitions. In my version of expanded monogamy - a couple sets the rules of sexual exploration that fit with their own set of personal boundaries that in my own rule book does not include taking a traditional lover. In my take on expanded monogamy - I am not talking about what been called an "Open Marriage". My version has boundaries that may seem outside of the box for some - but for others may seem quite restrictive. What is agreeable to one couple may not be agreeable to another. In my story - Shameless - I realize that I created a form of expanded monogamy and developed with my husband a way for me to explore my sexuality that did not fit the traditional outline of monogamy but was not polygamy either.

I explored the concept of polyamory by reading a wonderful book on the subject by Deborah Anapol - but the concept was quite right for me. I need something else - new language! And if I have learned anything in my years as a fertility advocate and sex educator - if we don't have language for something - we get very confused. We are also not so good at finding middle places in our society.  It feels like every day  people  ask me questions like "How did your husband feel about you going to a Tantra workshop?" or ""Did you husband get jealous of you working with hands on sexual healers?" What about your explorations of Bd/Sm? How does he feel about that? No matter where I am in the country - I am asked the same questions over and over again about my adventures into the underground world of sacred sexuality. In my search for language - I am embracing the term expanded monogamy or being monogamISH and I would like to introduce it to you if you are unfamiliar with it. In my own expanded monogamous marriage - I have had  room to go to sexuality workshops that include me exploring my own sexuality with myself and with others within boundaries and usually in a supervised workshop setting. I am able to be playful in my sexuality - which keeps my own inner fire alive and my marriage sexually interesting. It has become essential to me to be able to explore who I am as an individual as well as in my marriage.

In my own expanded monogamous marriage - both my husband and I have the space to work with sexological body workers who are there to support us on our own individual paths. We attended sexuality workshops - which may include us working with sexual energy techniques like moving our breath with other people - or eye gazing.

In my own expanded monogamish relationship, I explore Bd/Sm (think Fifty Shades of Grey) without my husband because he isn't interested in it, and it is a very important form of erotic expression for me.

Having the space to explore and experiment with my sexuality within the boundaries of an expanded monogamy has supported my 30 year marriage into a place where both my husband and I are happy and has helped us keep the light burning in our own marriage bed. Having room to expand your sexuality and explore over time may turn a once sexless marriage into something else.

Creating some room in our relationships for turning up the heat on our sexuality does not have to mean leaving the marriage or sneaking around.  We simply have to bring this possibility out into the world.

If we have the room to experiment and expand our own sexuality without shame - I believe that more people wouldn't leave their primary relationships. We just  more room to breathe. It's about creating sexual agreements that work for each partnership - and allowing each other the room to grow without ditching your lives.

Do You Know How To Communicate Your Desire?

When I opened my email this morning,  I received a little inspirational message. Do you get any of those magically delivered to your inbox every morning? They can be pretty cool. This morning my message from The Universe had this to say to me.... "A main 'Criteria of Consciousness' for the human experience, Pamela, is never having all you want. For as one dream comes true, another swiftly takes its place. Not having all you want is one of life's constants. And learning to be happy while not yet having all you want (which, as you can see, is constant), is the first 'Criteria of Joy.' Nail it, and for the rest of your life people will be asking what it is about you. Desire, is a beautiful thing".

Wow. I love it when "The Universe" knows exactly what I am spending my time talking to people about! And right now - I have been spending a lot of time talking to men and women around the country about desire - and the difference between knowing and owning your desire and actually acting on it.

Learning how to speak your desires is an incredible life skill to master. And learning to speak your desires - does not mean getting them fulfilled. In fact we may have many desires that we don't really want to have granted - and learning to speak our desires and not having them fulfilled is all a part of this practice.

The basics of this practice is to get in touch with your desires and state them. Such as "I really want to feel the my husband throw me on the bed and make love to me the next time he walks past me folding the laundry". Now how do we communicate that to ourselves - and our partners as a statement of desire? It could go like this "Honey - I really want to feel desired by you. Sometimes I think about what it could be like to feel you want me so badly that you would interrupt anything I am doing so that you can make love to me." Now...that is NOT a request - it is a statement of desire.

A request would sound like "Darling - when you see me doing a household task will you please grab me - throw me over your shoulder?" Or "Honey - I would like you to throw me onto the bed and make love to me." That is a request.

The difference is that in stating ones desire the "other" does not have to do anything about your desire. You are simply sharing intimacy, connection and offering your partner good information. But it is YOUR desire. You own it and the person that you are sharing it with does not have to do anything with it. There is no rejection in it for you - as you are not left hanging waiting for action.

With a request, you are expecting a response. It requires action on behalf of the other. To me - this is tricky business. It is full of subtlety. Can expressing my desire be a coy way of hiding or stating a request? Am I my own trickster? Can I think that I am simply expressing desire when I am instead hiding my requests? You have to be really clear about your own intentions

I think that mastering this skill of speaking desires - and separating that from speaking requests especially around sexuality is really important. When we are able to speak our desire around our sexuality - it is the beginning of removing shame.

Now...what if the listener does not know the differences between a request and an expression of desire....then what? What if the listener does not welcome expressions of desire? One might say that this does not matter. That the expression of the desire is not about the listener! It is suppose to be about the person expressing!

The expression of desire is so powerful and important to us as individuals - and I encourage you to practice it. Consider having a conversation with your partner about the importance of learning how to express desires - and the difference between desires and requests. Remenber, when you express desire there is no expectation of action on the part of the listener.  And in that boundary - there is incredible freedom in both the expression of the desire and the listening to it.

I acknowledge that these expressions make me feel vulnerable. So don't be surprised if this practice can do the same for you. There aren't many rules, but if you feel anxious about this practice....you are not alone. It's just so worth it. Once you start the ball rolling - letting your desire flow will create more possibility in your life and greater intimacy with your partner.

Mid Life Sexiness

I am here to shout from the roof tops that great sex does not have to end just because you are getting older! One of the most common questions that I am asked by my fifty something coaching clients is what can they do to keep it sexy after 50. So I have created some helpful tips to keep you humming! Are You Lover Ready? Never underestimate the value of breath mints! I am really not kidding - somehow when we are in relationship for a while, we let things go. We come to bed in sweat pants and torn tee shirts. We give our best at the office where we carry the peppermints - but sometimes come to bed without brushing our teeth! When you come to bed are you "Lover Ready" or more likely ready to turn your back? I always find the suggestion of a date night so cliché. But date nights are really important. It's important to leave those tennis shoes at home and get dressed up! It is only by courting each other that we get to remember the person that you fell in love with. Keep the connection and communication alive by not bringing your problems to dinner. Don't bring up the issues with the kids, or financial problems. Really they can wait! Instead focus on your dreams - and what kind of adventure your guys could plan if you could create the time away. In addition, if you can get away - go! The truth is that sex in a hotel room can be the best sex of all. Sex is about more than procreation and it can get better with age. Yes - sex changes as we get older. Our hormones wane - and this can actually be a good thing! If we are not in the frenzy of hormone driven sex - we can take advantage of the slowing down. There is opportunity in the slowing down where a deepening sensuality can grow. Remember that young sex is hormone driven. Those raging hormones get us running around those bases like we are in a race. Isn't it hard to taste your food while you are running? As our hormones soften - we can too and perhaps finally begin to truly pay attention to what we are doing. Slow down and get sensual. Let you hot deep desire soften into love and gentleness. Let go of what love making used to look like - that was so last year. It's time to let go of who you used to be as a sexual creature and say hello to who you are now. Many people believe that making love (sex) starts in our brains. It's about how you think of yourself. If you think you are old and your sexuality is dead then most likely you will act old and you sexuality will be dead. Instead - let's flip the sex switch back on - and let the blood flow!

Sex is About More Than Intercourse! It's time for an attitude adjustment! If you are a man over 50 - you do not need to be a roaring stallion anymore. Chances are your woman would be just as happy if you learned how to explore the other arts of love making! Explore things like oral sex and all body touch. Slow it down and do a little research on how to make your touch sexier. There are some great resources out there. Explore educational videos that can teach you how to use your mouth and hands more effectively! And maybe it's time to see what is going on at your local sex store! Sex toys are fun - and they can really inspire you to be innovative in your play!

The Changing Body

Both men and women experience changes in our bodes as we age. Women may find that they are now experiencing thinness in their vaginal walls and dryness. Men may experience a drop in testosterone while women are losing estrogen. Talk to your doctor about exploring Bio Identical Hormone Therapy. Some experts believe that changes in diet, increasing exercise, acupuncture and even doing kegals for both men and women can really help. Learn about the little blue pill, lubricants, arousal gels for women and become an innovative thinker. Menopause or Manopause is no reason for sex to stop. Sexless marriages and sexless single lives do not have to happen simply because we age or our bodies change. In fact these changes can bring added gifts. It is possible to become a hotter lover and be more sexually active than we ever were when we were younger. Come on....have you ever done a sexy Skype conversation with your partner? See? The possibilities are endless!

When Self-Loathing Comes a Knocking....

Most of us want to feel hot and sexy. We want earth-shattering orgasms - and to feel like those women look in those damn magazines sipping a Margarita with smoky eyes who are about to have the most incredible sex in the universe. Right? Maybe? Who knows - but I hate them. Seeing those images can make me feel confronted with what I am not and leaves me with this feeling that I am not enough. More than that - it is this feeling that I will never have in my life what I truly want because I just don't look like that.

And what is it that I want - you may ask? It's a simple thing really....I want to be deeply desired, and feel free in my body. I want to be able to know that I am sexy from the inside out and truly believe it - all the time! I want to be able to walk around naked and not worry about my ass shaking in a bad way! And don't give me platitudes.  I know them so well I could sing along.

I want to get so lost in my own wanton sexiness that orgasms flow from me like a water fall.  I don't want much - I just want to dance in my own inner sexy wildness! Is that asking for so much?

Lately, as I prepare to go on the first of many healing retreats, I have really been confronted with my own self loathing. It is shocking that I can still go to those places of calling myself names. After all, this true confession is being spoken by a woman who has professed to the world that I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by embracing my sexual pleasure. Am I a fraud - or am I simply real and honest? The fact is - that I have healed so much of the damage that I have walked around with for most of my life when it comes to my body image and my sexuality - but everyday as my feet touch the ground - it takes a little bit of courage to love myself just as I am. And that is the truth - to say anything else would be to over promise healing - like those 30 day miracle diets on television.

Several months ago in Wallstreet Journal there is a great article, Conquering Fear which is all about those nasty little voices in our heads that tell us that we are not enough - that we are fat and stupid. That our bodies are ugly - and that our boss hates us.

My book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale January 2011) is all about my funny, sexy, unconventional path to falling in love with myself again in the most unbelievable way.... And I did.

But  every now and then I get tweaked in an unexpected way. There are a few new videos that have been posted of me on You Tube from a conference that I recently spoke at - and frankly they make me cringe. I hope you enjoy them.  They make me cringe.

Every time I watch them - I get taken out of how I was "feeling" when I made those videos and I get stuck in how I believe I look. I hate my neck. My face is too round. I have a double chin in that angle. How did they shoot that angle? And I stop feeling sexy. Instead I get filled with self doubt - and worry. You see - I am a real woman. Isn't that reassuring? I am not going to give you pleasure platitudes and tell you that if you do this or that - all of your inner fears will go away completely. They don't. But it can get better.

This is what I can promise. If you work on embracing who you are - every single day just like a religious practice - things will change in your world.

In so many ways - it is like developing a healthy eating and exercising plan. There is a lot of self talk, and self encouragement that needs to happen. I have to do it too - even now.  Especially now! The voices of fear that tell us that we are not enough - or are broken in some way - don't ever really go completely away.

I hope that by showing up and being honest about how I feel and how I move through all of the hatefulness that I can throw at myself will inspire you to do it too. The fact is that most of the time these days - I feel smoking! I have a swagger to my step - and kick to my heels. I dress like a diva with a wink! And I still feel bad about my neck a lot.  You see - I still  have really big moments of self loathing. It's all a part of the process.....

Self loving is a practice. Let's practice together.

Desire is The Real Female Orgasm

Do you want to turn women on? Then you had better know our dirty little secret...it's what makes so many of us women feel sexy and raises our libidos about ten degrees. It's the feeling of being desired.Marta Meana said it best when she said that for most women "Desire is the real female orgasm". As women, we want to be the most desired fruit in the salad. We want our significant other - or simply admiring eyes to reflect back to us their desire for us - and this gives us more pleasure that most of us would like to admit to. It's not very politically correct now - is it? Well - here's a new flash for you - sexuality is not politically correct! I don't know about you - but I want to be swept off my feet by a suitor that just cannot breathe without me. Oh come on. You want it too! You know it's true. And if it's really, really, really isn't true for you as a woman - it is true for countless others. Why do you think romance novels are so popular? It's girl porn! It's where we get to read about the damsel being desired - courted - whisked away against her will - because his desire for her is so intense that he just must have her! And that turns on our feminine soul in such a hot deep place that the heroine falls in love. The end. This story is told again and again - marketed directly to women - to our core fantasy - and purchased in truck loads by countless women in countless Walmarts across the country every day. And yet - we are bashful about it. Aren't we? The question that I pose is why don't we us women simply cop to the fantasy? My theory is because it embarrasses us. We feel shame in having any desire that does not include us being in control at all times. We want to be feminists - and self sufficient. We don't want to "Need" men (or female lovers) - or look to the outside world for approval. It's not what we have been taught to want. But sexuality and desire - didn't read the play book. The way our desire works in as encoded in our DNA as the color of our eyes. So what happens to us as women when we no longer "feel seen" as sexual beings. What if weight gain, aging, or even disability makes us feel invisible to those outside eyes? What happens then to our female sexuality? What happens if we hate ourselves so deeply because of life events such as experiencing infertility or cancer that we turn in completely and switch off our sexuality button - so that nobody will see us anymore? Oh yeah - you know what I am talking about. Big ugly shapeless sweat shirts to name one stereotypical piece of female sexual camouflage. But it's true - we do it. We hide in so many ways. We make it so that no one could desire us - and that fulfills the prophecy that we are not desirable. I watched Geneen Roth on Oprah months ago and it still stays with me. These women couldn't stop talking about how they self loathed. It is a vicious cycle - of self hating - not being willing to be seen - and there fore not being seen. That shuts us down - and creates a host of problems for us. What kind of problems? Well how about low libido, depression, anxiety anger, sadness and all kinds of self abuse in the form of overeating and abuse of other substances as we try to feed something we can't name inside of us. I don't think that any of this can truly be cured in the form of a pink pill for women. It's so much deeper for us. For us - Desire is the Female Orgasm - and we have to return to a place in our selves first where we can learn to receive pleasure. Once we can decide that we are worthy of that first step - miracles can happen.

Pussy Praise!

In Sheri Winston's book "Women's Anatomy of Arousal" she says that women need a lot of "Pussy Praise". I loved that - mostly because I know it to be true. Everyday I speak to women in my sexuality and fertility coaching practice who feel completely disconnect from their own genitals. Women have a lot to get over when it comes to their vulvas. After all - most of the messages that they get around their genitals have to do with "cleaning them up" and changing them in some way. There are deodorizing sprays, and wipes as well as waxes for our pubic hair - and even plastic surgery to tidy up those inner lips! Oh yes - when it comes to vulvas - there is a lot of shame and disgust with our natural state of being. The road to Shameless self love is not an easy one for a woman with so few messages of complete genital acceptance available to us.

When was the last time you heard a vulva being called beautiful? And while there are great artists that have given the vulva praise in art such a Georgia O'Keefe - the vulva does not get's it due compared to the male member when it comes to praise and adoration.

Many women are left feeling very confused and unsure of their vulvas. They are not sure if their vulvas look good, smell good, or are even normal - let alone beautiful. There are often not a lot of guides available to help a woman on her way to self acceptance and the true pleasure that is available in her own body.

So, if you want to help yourself - or a woman in your life feel better about herself and have hotter, more delicious sex - why not engage in a vulva compliment and adoration session?

The next time you get your female lover in bed - why not set some time aside to simply gaze lovingly at the face of her sexuality. Tell her that she is beautiful. Pet her lovingly without going after sex in that moment. Give a gentle kiss - and perhaps even tell your favorite vulva that she smells good. And while you are at it - thank this beautiful vulva for all the pleasure that she gives you.

Ladies - while receiving this praise, adoration and love from your partners is a beautiful and healing thing exercise - and I encourage you to breathe it all in - you do not need a partner to do this for yourself.

Set aside some time - and create your own ritual of self love and adoration. Try starting with a warm bath to relax yourself - and place your hand over your entire venus mound. Then offer yourself some loving pussy affirmations such as "My vulva is beautiful", "I have a gorgeous and amazing pussy", "I love all of the pleasure that my Yoni gives me".  I am am sure that you can come up with a few on your own!

Let's start a new trend among women - and the men who love us. Let's offer praise to this gateway of pleasure and life. You might be amazed what could begin to open when our vaginas are given love, praise and adoration.

Intimacy With a Sacred Intimate: The Question of Attachment

I am often asked about questions of “attachment” when working so intimately with hands on sexual practitioners, sexological body workers, sacred intimates and dakas.  I always answer the inquiries with the truth – of course there is attachment and it comes and goes. Recently I went looking for a blog that didn’t make it into Shameless – and I thought that sharing my moment of realizing that I was becoming very attached to Markus, The Tantric Tiger would be helpful.  

So what follows is a scene that never made it into the book – I was driving up to Easton Mountain for a Body Electric Retreat with my friend Corrine….

And the blog begins.....

As, I drove to Corrine, to pick her up for our drive to Easton Mountain, I started to replay my last session with Markus when he gave me a lesson on giving a back rub - an kind of intro to basic massage. I had never touched his body before and it shocked me how much I enjoyed  touching him and giving him pleasure.

How much I loved rubbing his back, holding his head in my hands - and having the freedom to run my fingers over his back from the base of his spin to his hair.

And then, I was hit with a  startling realization. That it was not just the beauty of his body and the opportunity to simply just touch him back  (something that I did not usually get invited to do in session) that I was savoring - it was the intimacy that I was feeling between us.

The relationship that had formed in almost a year of weekly three hour visits, telephone conversations, field trips and emails.

STOP THE CAR.

I actually pulled over, and sat back behind the wheel.

I was growing attached to Markus.  This professional relationship was filled with REAL HUMAN INTIMACY -  and it was spilling over the boundaries that I was attached to, when I started this work.

I was clear that I was not feeling romantic love for this man. I had no desire to send him valentines or leave my husband. I had no desire for sexual touch with Markus outside of session. But still, this realization that I was feeling any kind of attachment to him sent a crackle of fear down my spine.

I was not suppose to feel attachment, or love - of any kind for my Sexologist or Sacred Intimate! That was the entire point of this - no emotional attachment! But here I was almost a year after I had started working with Markus -  and all of a sudden - things were not feeling so neat any more.

I didn't want to leave for my retreat without speaking to Markus. I wish that I could write him. But I was going to be away from technology. So I decided to call him.

"Good morning Goddess!!! How are you today? On the road yet?" Markus greeted me.

"Yes, I am in the car - on my way to Corrine - and I needed to speak to you before I left. Can you talk with me for a little while?" I asked.

"Sure, Pamela - I am all yours. Is everything alright?"

"I don't know how to start - and I am feeling embarrassed and scared - and I guess that I don't have to tell you this - but I want to because it is scaring me on several levels. So just let me get it all out before you respond...... I realized something for the first time. Markus, I am getting really attached to you. I am realizing that I am feelings all these feelings! And it is scaring me. I am feeling love. Love for you!  And when I think about it - How could I NOT love you!!!!! Look at all the things that have happened to me because of my work with you?

How  could I not loving not being ruled by food  addiction? How  could I not love feeling my body change slowly? How could I not love feeling healthier? How could I not love feeling in control of my food? How  could I not love feeling beautiful? How could I not love feel sexy?

How could I not love feeling my divinity? How could I not love feeling strong inside? How could I not love discovering my sexuality? How could I not love finding out about my sexual desires? How could I not love finding out about  spankings? How could I not love sharing my feelings?

How could I not love feeling safe and supported? How could I not love being given handouts to take home and learn? How could I not love being offered guidance? How could I not love being offered health? How could I not love someone caring enough about me to feed me frozen raspberries?

How could I not love learning how to feed them to myself? How could I not love flowers on a bed meant for me? How could I not love learning to look at my own body in the mirror and see my own beauty? How could I not love being bathed and cared for by you?

Markus - How could I not love the person that is bringing me these gifts?"  And these feelings are breaking all the rules.."

I think I might have drawn a breath. "Markus are you there? Did you hang up? Is it wrong for me to love you? I am feeling so frightened that you are going to tell me that I am too emotionally dependent on you now - and walk away from me in fear!! How can I express how I feel in a safe way and honest way - because I do not know how to do anything else..that does not break boundaries - and ruin all the things that are new and loving and good?

Am I suppose to deny? In order to keep what I am loving so much? I know who you are, Markus. You are my teacher. I know who I am, I am your student. Your client. We are not friends - really. We are not lovers. Yet I want to tell you that I am feeling love for you. And that makes me feel so vulnerable. I want to tell you, and be honest with you about  my feelings of attachment without the fear of losing all the things that I love. This love that is bringing me so much richness of experience. So much joy.

But think about it Mark, how could I not love? How could I not feel emotional attachment after all that we have done together? Can I feel those things, be honest with you about them - and not have you 'end the session'? How can I not love? After all that I have experienced - with all the gifts that you have offered me - I would not be human. Please tell me, Markus. How do I not love? Is it wrong that I love? Will I be turned away for loving? I love you and all the gifts that you have brought me. You have helped me start to change my life - and I am just beginning." Tears were flowing - and I was talking between gasps of air."

"Pamela - stop. Breathe a minute. It is all good. I promise you. I receive your love and it does not scare me. I will not send you away for loving. Pammy - I hold love in my heart for you as well. It is all good and natural. It is all received and It's all okay. I receive your love. It is real. My love for you is real.

The structures /boundaries are  real too. The people have their limits- the Love, however knows none. A paradox- one of many...Pamela, we can both enjoy the journey. I am too!" Markus took a pause and then continued " Your fears are "old programs" of abandonment when feeling made ashamed of  for being "too big" or "too hungry". I'm not abandoning you. You are no longer susceptible either as you are an adult, a very powerful one as well! It's just old programs."

"But Markus - I PAY YOU.  I pay to see you. You are a 'hired coach of love and spiritual guidance. You are not really even my friend in the truest sense of the word."

"Pamela, In this economy/culture  people pay me so that I can pay my rent and my organic grocery bills!!  What you pay for is the rate for my TIME. Everything else in the session is a GIFT from Heaven. I believe that it is the "Gods" gifting me to guide the session, and myself as well!

I don't have an agenda or even sometimes an idea about the WHAT, where, or activity in some of the sessions. Most want bodywork as we are a touch starved people.

Our connection and love, your feelings- all REAL.

The circumstances are arranged- not unlike a good theater experience- beautiful, cathartic, we are transformed and moved. Kate, do we fall in "love " and go home with the players in the Theater? No, we don't need to! We go back to our lives transformed with new "spunk" for living. But Pamela - what you are saying is real ANYWAY. Our relationship is real. About what you FEEL about me is real.

But go deeper. Please go to the source of the wound:The relationship between you and me is second to your relationship with YOURSELF, between your feelings and YOU. Your feelings are Trans-personal. They go beyond our personal limits - Real love does. Our relationship is TRANS personal, it goes beyond a "married woman with kids" and  "a single gay man". I am the Goddess for you. I am the God for you. I awaken YOU to awaken HER - your "not so in hiding", Goddess." Markus stopped there and waited.

"I trust you, Markus. Not to hurt me. I am just scared that this feeling of attachment will hurt me in some way. And that it is wrong for me to have these feelings. In some ways I have, from day one, given you my heart and asked you not to break it on so many levels." I put my head back on the rest in the car.

"Dear sweet Pamela, your trust is the most precious! I do hold your beating heart in my hands. I do know the trust that you have given me and I am, as always deeply moved by you. Yes, more raspberries are ready to be spooned to you with sweetness. You are my Beloved, you will always be.

Nothing can change that. That is trans relational......My goal is for you to feel that, live that,  carry that seed that I (we) plant beyond the time that our work sessions comes to a close."

I felt better. I understood more - and it felt right to share and have this conversation with Markus. I guess if this was regular therapy this would be called transference. But I felt safe now in my feelings - and it was important for me to know that what I was feeling was real. And not just a part of my payment schedule. That the intimacy  and affection between us was real - not imagined. Markus said a lot to me, and so much of it made sense - and gave me a context in which to look at my feelings. I had so much to think about.  I never realized just how much trust and intimacy I had with this man.  And perhaps - because of the safe container that I built with him - the intimacy and the caring - perhaps that is how I have been able to move on this road of personal growth and transformation. Maybe, it could not be done without love and intimacy. All of that surrendering!!!! And I was on my way to experience more.

That blog was written many years ago. I no longer do sessions with Markus - he is now a good friend. I still care deeply about him - and I never had the feeling to move past love to lover. It just never happened. But this can be a tricky landscape for some women doing hands on work especially if they are not working with a hands on practitioner that is not in integrity. That is why I tell women if they are interested in doing hands on work with a practitioner that it is often best to do this with the help and assistance of a sexuality coach that is familiar with this kind of healing work.

Catching Desire...

Her cheeks were flushed as she spilled out into the busy Manhattan street literally into my arms. I had never met her before – but I knew that face. It was the face of woman who just spent a good deal of time lost in pleasure. There was no make up on her face – but she didn’t need it. Her color was so rich – she was the ripe piece of melon that I often write about. It is what women become after so much pleasure. We spill over….the juices dripping from our very pores.  Oh God. I felt a moment of pure joy for her – and a pang. I wanted, no I needed to feel that again in my body very soon.

She threw her arms around my waist in her pure joy and we walked from Hank’s studio over to The Peninsula Hotel – as if we have known each other our whole lives. In a sense we were sisters – we had experienced something that not many woman have had the opportunity to experience. Yet.

She was full of giggles. “Oh My God! Pamela!! OMG! I want more! And more! And more! And more!” Ah huh. Ya think? We are so hungry for this – and then over the perfect dirty martini – she said the real truth – the truth of my book – the truth of what it is really all about for women today of a certain age – or perhaps any age.

With her eyes literally as big as saucers she said “He asked me about my desires! It stopped me dead – Pamela.  MY desires? Really? No one had ever asked me about my desires! About what I want. OMG. I didn’t know what to say! I wasn’t even sure that I knew what they were! But I knew I had them – and I wanted to explore them. I don't think I can stop now - Oh Pamela - I don't want to stop. I think I have come alive again."

Shameless.

The Not So Secret Pleasures of a New Sex Toy

I don’t consider myself a “Sex Blogger” even though I am sex positive and write about sex a lot! After all, I am a sex and relationship coach! But somehow,  I don’t often do “Sex Toy” reviews – or share my personal sexual experiences, except perhaps in my book Shameless! Oh yes – there are exceptions to every rule!  And rules are made to be broken - right? Like my personal addiction to the sex toy, the Hitachi Wand.  To me – and thousands of others, who use vibrators in their sex lives (alone or as a couple) – the Hitachi Wand was the most dependable toy around.

I have used others – because I know that self pleasuring (masturbating) with the same sex toy all time is not always the best way to achieve or heighten sexual pleasure. But try and try again – I never hit another vibrator that worked for me like the old wand – and I got tired of throwing good money at toys that didn’t  how shall we say – hit the spot?

And then I met Jimmyjane’s Form 2 one of the rock stars in the “Pleasure to The People” line.  Form 2 a little discreet vibrator that took the form perhaps of a small bunny face (nothing like the famous vibrator toy – the rabbit!).   It is all about the little ears or if you like-  the two amazing fingers! What does it look like to you?

The designers call it “LITTLE PERKY” (suggesting that we call Form 2 whatever we would like – I call it magnificent! I had little to no expectations for it – it was so small. How could little Form 2 bring me to orgasmic  bliss?  I could wax poetic about the delicate vibrations that reminded me of a lovers fingers which special abilities.  Or the how the double prong (ears) worked together or separately!  All I know is that I have a new friend in my bed room drawer - ight next to my  Zestra!  Put those two together – and call me in the morning!