Home Grown Sex

My husband took the day off today. He just forgot to tell me that he was doing this, and I had made plans with a girl friend to go walking - and it was a girlfriend that I have trouble holding onto a date with. Gavin said go take your walk and then we will spend the rest of the day together, and then he told me that he was taking the next day off too.

There was the initial feeling of joy and then panic. What would we do together? We are so used to being passing ships...or docked ships. Do we know how to be ships that are actively in port together anymore?

I decided to do something that I rarely do in my marriage, on a mid week morning. I just got naked. I did what I often have trouble doing in my own marriage - and talk to people about doing in their own lives all the time. I reached for sex. I actually did more than that, I asked for sex!

I asked for sex that I wasn’t even sure that I wanted, but I asked any way. I didn’t give my husband a script. I didn’t tell him what turned me on. I just asked him to make love with me.

Gavin said - "You will be late for your walk."

I said, "No I won’t"

He looked at my nakedness and he came over and ran his hands over my unadorned body. "You know - your body is changing. I see you everyday so I don’t always notice, but you feel so different to my hands....your waist...oh....your ass.." He was positively purring. Well - this was a good start.

"There is a naked woman in my living room" He laughed. I left his arms and walked over to the bed.

"There is a naked woman in your bed....."

Gavin climbed in after me and simply enjoyed touching my body. The man has good hands.

I wanted to do something a little different. I didn’t know what - just something....in retrospect just having sex in the middle of the morning on a weekday was a little bit different!!!

I climbed into his lap and just started to "run energy" with him. Running energy is breathing into each other bellies, and feeling your pelvis's connect. It is very "Tantra". My husband is not very Tantra!

He was very unsure. We had to adjusted our bodies. I tried to do what I have often done in workshops with my husband - I tried to focus on root chakra energy and breath. I could feel him becoming aroused. Well, I guess his his root chakra was awake....I was feeling encouraged.

I laid back in the bed, And left my legs and bottom just where they were in his lap. I was completely relaxed...soft. He had complete access to my body....and he took advantage of that....

You know - My husband is fine lover after 29 years or so...the fact that we can even get a buzz on from each other is something worth celebrating! I am not going into the details, but with my husband - I simply don't worry "taking too long" or anything else. One of the joy of marriage is there is no self consciousness with him at all - there is just pleasure.

I return to consciousness, and began to love his body. This was not a day for rushing and I took my time with his pleasure. I think a lot about married monogamous long term sex. I was even thinking about it a little bit until his sounds of pleasure turned into softer breath, and a peaceful holding.

Was our love making this hot, frenzied place of passion? Well - No. But it was lovely....

I don’t know how long it has been in the space between our love making. Sometimes, life gets in the way of finding time for each other in this way. But perhaps the space doesn’t matter I don’t know. Perhaps what matters is that we can still come together, when we do come together and find pleasure with each other.

Our love making feeds me in the way that it feeds me. When we join together it is solid, without frills and deeply satisfying...

I had long ago stopped trying to create it into being something that it is not. I seem to only get into trouble when I want my marriage bed to something different than it is - when my expectations of my husband out strip where he wants to go....

But if I simply present myself - offer my body in a very simple way - this man reaches for me....and loves me so beautifully.

It is home made sex. Simple, satisfying and after almost three decades often without frills...but the kind of meal that you don’t have to worry about. You know if you bother to cook it....it will be just what you need. It will be enough.

Later that day - with the sun shining....Mr and Mrs took a walk in our neighborhood. We haven't done this in a very long time. We held hands the way that we have held hands since I was seventeen years old. It is all so familiar and it is all so home grown. It is a big piece of who I still am....this man....our family.....our little home. Gavin doesn't hold all the parts of me. But he does love, hold and know my heart like no one else.

Authors Note: This writing is from my private journals - and was written months ago. I hope you enjoyed it. It's Valentines Day and I am on the road without my honey - I was missing "Home Grown Sex"!

A Sacred Intimacy Moment

Dear Readers,Yet another peek into my life....a scene from weeks past.... Enjoy! Pamela

I always have this feeling of going home when I see Hank. Hank’s black chairs, his Fulton, and his massage table is one of the places where I started – and where I have stayed. With Hank there has been no moving on. He still can hold space for me. I feel a kind of comfort in his arms that is hard for me to place. When he tells me that he is proud of me – it makes me happy in a very silly school girl kind of way. It makes me want to bring him a shiny red apple – and erase the boards for him.

There was a time that I went to see Hank every week. I don’t go as often – yet he remains as important to me as ever. So – when I walk in these days – I want to hold him so close that I could climb into his shorts. Going to Hank always brings me back to me. If I had a bottomless wallet – right now I think I would go every day. Some how – in the midst of all of this goodness – I am finding myself at lose ends. And I am oh – a bit needy.

We sat as we do – and talked. I needed to talk about my desire to be calm in this moment of calmness – and not go into a place of anxiety because that is what I am the most used to doing. And I could see myself going to that place of worry like a thirsty horse finding it’s stall. Yet right now – life was pretty damn good. The book was gone. Off to the land of galleys. Gavin and I were good and the kids were good So what was up with me? Why did I feel this awful feeling of impending doom? Perhaps it is the quiet that I am not used to more than anything. The time to cook again for my family. To fuss over greens and stir fries – to make almost from scratch cookies. The time even to take walks. I am settling down into that place again. It is an unwiring. In a way – I need to deprogram.

And so we sat there – Hank and me. I talked and he listened, counseled, and smiled at me like he does. And I realized, not for the first time – that I was sick of his damn undershirt. For three years, I have put my naked chest next to all manners of wife beater tee-shirts and polo shirts. And I just want to feel my flesh against his. I had felt like I had earned it.

And out of some place deep – some place unplanned – some place that was tired of an old boundary that just wasn’t needed anymore - I asked him if he would be willing to take off his shirt. He looked at me and I thought I would cry. It is so hard still so hard to speak desire – even with the man that taught me to speak it. I don’t remember the conversation, but he said that he would. Perhaps he would especially because it was so hard for me to ask. Perhaps he would out of his own recognition of my hard earned ability to stay with being uncomfortable – and not running away. I am not sure exactly – but that is my memory through the blood coursing through my veins and my heart beating too fast in my own request. We moved to the table – it was time to get me out of my head and into my body. It was a relief to get naked. I remember when it was so hard. So much is new in my life. And Hank did what Hank has never done with me – Hank took his shirt off.

Inside a Session with Hank

Dear Readers:

This is a blog that was never turned into a chapter for my memoir – but since we are friends – I thought I would share it with you! Aren’t you lucky?

My last session with Hank was a turning point for me. I have become clearer and clearer about how I need intimacy and connection in Sacred Intimacy. And that piece of this work, is perhaps for me, right now ‑ the largest piece. I am a human being under construction. Once upon a time, it was simply touch that my body needed. And the introduction of touch to my body - the ability to learn how to receive touch....how to surrender to “one way touch” was huge for me.

That was so big, that I didn't necessarily even notice anything else. The need for touch, the joy in the experience was so overwhelming for me. Learning about breath, learning about my capacity for sensual pleasure, understanding my body and what makes me tick was so big.

Understanding and making peace with what turns me on, and how to ask for it became a part of the process of my healing. It became so  interesting to me, how my needs as a sexual and emotional being can shift and turn on a dime. But maybe it is not on a dime at all, maybe it is a part of my evolution and becoming as a complete and whole sexual being.

I spent two hours in Hank's arms yesterday. We both had our clothes on, and we laid down on some futon pillows that he had in his studio. There were pillows and we shifted our holding or  hugging  position several times.

It was interesting how the different positions brought out different feelings. I don't think that I have been held like that since I was a baby. I highly recommend it.  There I was having two hours of conscious holding. This was not the kind of holding that I do with my husband in bed while we sleep. This was wide awake and not a prelude to anything necessarily.

I love just feeling Hank’s arms around me, the gentle touching that being so close to each other provided – feeling our breath and the physical feeling of safety and love that this sustained holding provided for me make me open like a flower.

I have always been good at accessing my feelings, but this - being held by arms and feeling Hank's body pressed against mine fully clothed - provided a place for all me to come forth and be seen.

At first all my body wanted to do was cry. And then I talked about so many things! My relationship with my father, my husband, and even my relationship with “one way touch”.  I even talked about my relationships with all of my practitioners. How they are all so different.and wonderful even if they are sometimes difficult. Yet they all serve me in some very profound way – and by having all of these practitioners in my life they have opened me  up  to face my desires for things that do not exist in my life.

All while Hank was holding me, I talked a blue streak, and cried an ocean of tears.  I remember Hank saying certain things to me like "Just let go...I've got you"....and how it felt that he was totally there for me and I didn't have to worry about falling. I knew that he had me tightly and wouldn't let anything happen in that moment to me.

I felt protected and safe in my own vulnerability and the relief that those simple words "I've got you" and those strong arms gave me was simply immeasurable. It’s really too bad that almost all traditional psychotherapy is done in chairs. This technique of holding and talking...is so much more profound than sitting in chairs. It opens up the body, so that the soul can talk.

Catching Desire

Her cheeks were flushed as she spilled out into the busy Manhattan street literally into my arms. I had never met her before – but I knew that face. It was the face of woman who just spent a good deal of time lost in pleasure. There was no make up on her face – but she didn’t need it. Her color was so rich – she was the ripe piece of melon that I often write about. It is what women become after so much pleasure. We spill over….the juices dripping from our very pores. Oh God. I felt a moment of pure joy for her – and a pang. I wanted, no I needed to feel that again in my body very soon.… She threw her arms around my waist in her pure joy and we walked from Hank’s studio over to a nearby bar – as if we have known each other our whole lives. In a sense we were sisters – we had experienced something that not many woman have had the opportunity to experience. Yet.

She was full of giggles. “Oh My God! Pamela!! OMG! I want more! And more! And more! And more!” Ah huh. Ya think? We are so hungry for this – and then over the perfect dirty martini – she said the real truth – the truth of my book – the truth of what it is really all about for women today of a certain age – or perhaps any age.

With her eyes literally as big as saucers she said “He asked me about my desires! It stopped me dead – Pamela.  MY desires? Really? No one had ever asked me about my desires! About what I want. OMG. I didn’t know what to say! I wasn’t even sure that I knew what they were! But I knew I had them – and I wanted to explore them. I don't think I can stop now - Oh Pamela - I don't want to stop. I think I have come alive again."

Shameless.

Taking The Right For Female Pleasure, Desire And Self Love On The Road

I am learning that female self acceptance, self love, and sexual pleasure  really freak some people out. I will go as far as to say that women reaching for what turns them on frightens some people - and really makes others angry.  And we wonder why women still struggle with self image? No matter what you see in commercials or the movies - being a sexy woman even in the Untied States can also mean a willingness to take it on the chin - and to stand  up for your sexy desires. It takes a determination of spirit and guts to know that you want to live your best life - no matter what. I think that is why I love the women who are bringing Zestra to market so much, Mary Wallace Jaensch and Rachel Braun Scherl. These women have had to fight their way through a mountain of people saying "No" to let women know about a simple, topical, organic arousal gel. You see - female arousal made the marketers nervous....you mean women could actual reach for their own pleasure? What might happen if the news of that came out? You mean it is possible for women to increase their sexual pleasure? Will they still get home in time to cook dinner?

You can see why Zestra was the perfect choice to be the Shameless Book Tour Sponsor! Now - what is Zestra you might ask? In case you haven't heard, it's an all-natural female arousal enhancer that you can buy over the counter and according to this "researcher," it works.

But like you  - I didn't know about Zestra for a long time - which isn't easy given that I am not shy.  I will walk into any drug store, sex shop and workshop that even hints at bringing out my inner ‘sex goddess.' I will talk about it with anyone who'll listen to me about how sexual pleasure can make you a nicer person and even heal lifelong issues. As someone recently put it, I'm "the living embodiment of the power of pleasure to transform one's life."

I've become so comfortable and playful with my healthy sexual side, my son rolls his eyes at my constant double entendres.  "Is everything a sex joke with you, Mom?"

Not everything. In fact, I take it very seriously. I do write about sexuality pretty much every day. I even chronicled my path to uncorking my sexual desire in my about to be published memoir, "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner" .   And I hope that you are going to want to read all about my funny, crazy, sexy out of the box journey.

So how could I not know about Zestra, something this YAHOO? It's simple. It's what I started to talk about earlier in this post.  It's not that I am paranoid - but folks - there's a conspiracy to keep a lid on women's sexual arousal and the truth about the ‘va-jayjay." I would use the anatomically correct "vagina" but there's ample evidence that that's a big no-no too. Let me explain.

I stumbled upon the little sample packet of Zestra buried in a goody bag freebie at a sex educator event, I was blown away. A little dab will do ya. Really. The magic topical potion had me giggling and craving my husband so badly that I was shouting for him to hurry up and get into bed. Just so you know, this doesn't happen every day.

But it could. That got me excited. Semprae Laboratories, the little pharma that I let into my panties, found the right blend of botanical oils that made me lie down and take notice. I blogged it all. Even though I never believed in drug-enhanced pleasure, I was wiling to make the Zestra exception.

I used my second packet to see if I could get that Zestra "rush" when it was just me and my vibrator. Oh yeah, baby. There were sensations that even intrepid me didn't know were possible.

Of course, being a well-mannered midlife sex goddess, I wanted to write a thank you note and post it on Zestra's FaceBook page (yes, I friended them). That's when I found out about the "controversy."

It seems that female arousal and anatomy is just too icky for major and even minor media to take perfectly good money for Zestra ads. Aren't we in a downturn? Why would anyone say no to ad revenue for something that actually puts a smile on people's faces without weight gain?

Oh, here comes that scary vagina again. We don't want that to get too excited. Who knows what might happen? In fact, CBSnews.com recently censored an article by Lissa Rankin, MD, a renowned Bay Area Ob-Gyn and author of What's Up Down There when she wrote a piece called "15 Curious Things You May Not Know About The Vagina." Apparently the 16th curious thing is that the vagina musn't have too much face time. The article was taken down within an hour.

The irony, of course, was that she was invited to write about the vagina after CBSnews.com had a blockbuster piece called "SPERM: 15 Crazy Things You Should Know." That's still up. Maybe with a little help from the little blue pill.

So what does this say to women? Not much that's useful and a lot that's confusing. We're jammed with messages that exhort us to be sexy but discourage us from being comfortable with our bodies. Heck, most of us can't even name our parts. How can we wake up to the power of pleasure when we're intentionally kept in the dark? This shouldn't have to be so hard.

So - I am taking Zestra with me on my 24 City  Shameless Book Tour - Of course I am.  How could I not? If the big ad networks are frightened to let you know about something that might increase your pleasure - well - I'm not. In fact if you come out to one of my readings, seminars or workshops - I will personally hand you a Zestra Sample!Or if you don't want to wait that long - jack into their website site - and you can get a SHAMELESS Discount in honor of the publication of my memoir! How is that for us women sticking together? Simply click on the Zestra Banner on my blog and put in the code featured there! You will get $5.00 bucks the 12 pack.

There is a double standard when it comes to women and pleasure. How about you join the fight to stop the double-standard in advertising? Madison Avenue has been using the vagina as a unspoken marketing tool for generations. How about they finally learn to say the name and, to quote Bob Dylan, "Get out of the road if you can't lend a hand."

Look Out World: I Am Coming Out!

I really feel like I am coming out.  But what am I coming out as? If I was to sum it up - I would say that I am coming out as an integrated woman. Once upon a time - I didn't integrate my life. Because women are never actually encouraged to do this. We are expected to be one thing or another. We are either "professionals,"  "homemakers", "Madonnas or Whores". But I have decided to stand up for having an integrated life. It's not easy and it is already making some people uncomfortable.

I am out there swinging for the woman that wants to have a professional life, and still have a family.  And What if being a successful lawyer didn't mean that you could still also be around to cook for your family if that pleased you? What if you could be wearing sexy lacy panties under your business suit - and was meeting your lover for some fabulous sexual adventure after work?  I think that if women allowed themselves to truly embrace all that is possible - they would really have so much more!

Isn't this what we have been saying with the introduction of egg freezing? That it is okay to freeze your eggs now - and have your children later while you were figuring the rest of your life out? That you didn't have to choose? That everything could happen in it's own good time and that women could integrate their lives as they saw fit?

Could we actually be mothers, madonnas, workers and sexual beings all at the same time?  Perhaps the bigger question is will society know how to wrap their arms around us wants woman truly embrace all of their possibilities.

I am still fascinated with that damn study where scientists  hooked up women to machines to look at their sexual response - and their bodies register a response to the visual stimulation but the woman's mind did not.  What is going on? How do we help women connect these dots? There is something incredibley broken in that - and I want to help fix it.

I think that we are getting closer to putting the pieces together. But we will never get there if a woman's sexuality is still used to punish her. And even today - it is in so many ways. Well - I am coming out. I know that there will be stones - that my sexuality will make a lot of people uncomfortable - but there is always one penguin that jumps in the water to let the other penguins know that it is safe to swim.  Watch me jump! And I hope that I inspire you to take a look at your own life.

Look - times are changing! It is safer than it used to be for women  to live fully integrated lives - after all - I could never have found such a prestigious publisher such as Rodale Press to take on my memoir Shameless in another time. A publisher would have been too frightened to break open that particular egg.

But women are still persecuted today for being sexual beings. And when you are a woman about to come out in a big way - it is good to know this.  I hope that you will read my memoir Shameless.  I hope to make you laugh - inspire you to take a look at your own life - and see that anything is possible for a woman today if she decides to take the time for give it to herself.  I am looking forward to talking to you about my story - and hearing yours. On January 18th - the conversation will truly open across this country about women and sexuality. We will be talking about a lot of possibilities that no one really brought to the public stage before in a real way.  I am coming out. I am terrified. But I truly believe that we can  live in full color and have integrated lives.

Nothing is stopping us but a little bit of fear - and concern about whether or not you will be taken seriously if you dare be all of the parts of you.  Dare!

Desire is Real Female Orgasm!

I just spent a weekend at a Tantra Workshop - we were all women - with only one man present (insider tip for men - if you want to meet women - get interested in Tantra!).I observed myself in this group of women and this one man -  and I hit up again against a little known truth about women and sexual desire.Do you want to turn us on? Then you had better know our dirty little secret...it's what makes so many of us women feel sexy and raises our libidos about ten degrees. It's the feeling of being desired! Marta Meana said it best when she said that for most women "Desire is the real female orgasm". As women, we want to be the most desired fruit in the salad. We want our significant other - or simply admiring eyes to reflect back to us their desire for us - and this gives us more pleasure that most of us would like to admit to. It's not very politically correct now - is it? Well - here's a new flash for you - sexuality is not politically correct! I don't know about you - but I want to be swept off my feet by a suitor that just cannot breathe without me. Oh come on. You want it too! You know it's true. And if it's really, really, really isn't true for you as a woman - it is true for countless others. Why do you think romance novels are so popular? It's girl porn! It's where we get to read about the damsel being desired - courted - whisked away against her will - because his desire for her is so intense that he just must have her! And that turns on our feminine soul in such a hot deep place that the heroine falls in love. The end. This story is told again and again - marketed directly to women - to our core fantasy - and purchased in truck loads by countless women in countless Walmarts across the country every day. And yet - we are bashful about it. Aren't we? The question that I pose is why don't we us women simply cop to the fantasy? My theory is because it embarrasses us. We feel shame in having any desire that does not include us being in control at all times. We want to be feminists - and self sufficient. We don't want to "Need" men (or female lovers) - or look to the outside world for approval. It's not what we have been taught to want. But sexuality and desire - didn't read the play book. The way our desire works in as encoded in our DNA as the color of our eyes. So what happens to us as women when we no longer "feel seen" as sexual beings. What if weight gain, aging, or even disability makes us feel invisible to those outside eyes? What happens then to our female sexuality? What happens if we hate ourselves so deeply because of life events such as experiencing infertility or cancer that we turn in completely and switch off our sexuality button - so that nobody will see us anymore? Oh yeah - you know what I am talking about. Big ugly shapeless sweat shirts to name one stereotypical piece of female sexual camouflage. But it's true - we do it. We hide in so many ways. We make it so that no one could desire us - and that fulfills the prophecy that we are not desirable. I watched Geneen Roth on Oprah again yesterday - and it opened with women talking about how they self loathed. It is a vicious cycle - of self hating - not being willing to be seen - and there fore not being seen. That shuts us down - and creates a host of problems for us.

What kind of problems? Well how about low libido, depression, anxiety anger, sadness and all kinds of self abuse in the form of overeating and abuse of other substances as we try to feed something we can't name inside of us. I don't think that any of this can truly be cured in the form of a pink pill for women. It's so much deeper for us. For us - Desire is the Female Orgasm - and we have to return to a place in our selves first where we can learn to receive pleasure. Once we can decide that we are worthy of that first step - miracles can happen. 

Finding Courage in The Pink Ghetto to "Come Out"

In 2007, I did something that I had never done before - I met sex bloggers. I went to the launch party of Sex In The Public Square founded by Elizabeth Wood and Chris Hall. They had a vision for a new out in the open blogging community. It was there that I met people whom I have had only known through the Internet- through their blogs. It was there that I first heard the term "The Pink Ghetto". I remember listening to a woman who called herself Lux Nightmare read from her writings about working in the Pink Ghetto and how she could not use her real name in her writings even though she was a sex educator by day.

I listened to and heard for the first time the wonderful Susie Bright. There was this entire world out there in the Pink Ghetto that I knew nothing about and I found sisters and brothers there in many ways - especially in the struggle for identity and acceptance. For many people who write about sex, and for many sex educators -  there is fear that by speaking out and being identified that they will lose the rest of their lives such as their traditional employment. It is a very real fear - and I know all about it.

Before I decided to take the plunge and tell my story through the pages of Shameless - I sat there and watched these women who were for the most part living their lives courageously and out loud. I felt a jealousy....about how wonderful it must be to be able to stand up and be photographed as a whole person. To be able to read your writings out loud to a group and not to be hiding completely behind a stage name.

To be able to - as many of these people were - working publicly and yet privately in the Pink Ghetto. It made my blood flow and it helped show me the possibilities of my life - the potential of me. Listening to them, it fed my desire to continue to move forward and create my life...and hope for safety.

And here is another cool thing - so many of the bloggers were "real" people. What I mean by that is - there was not an abundance of over exercised bodies, boob jobs, or plastic faces. In fact, those kinds of people were visibly absent. This group of sex positive activists ran across all age lines - all sex preferences - all racial lines and all body weight ranges. They were quite the every day looking NYC kind of people. And yet - here they were - out in the open embracing their lives - their sexuality....and not waiting until some day when they had the perfect whatever to have a life. They were creating and re creating themselves now.....as is!!!! And that gave me courage too! I could show up just the way I was.

I was mesmerized by Rachel Kramer Bussel who looked like a young college kid with long unselfconscious hair, glasses and a simple frock - read to us from one of her then newest pieces of erotica. It was so surreal as she was not some overdone bimbo. Rachel was this real woman - writing and talking about real sex......or imaged real sex! And the funny thing was that I had just bought a book edited by her the day before called "He's on Top"! I had never really heard of her before....such a newbie!

It's hard to believe that this event took place four years ago - maybe five. It's hard to remember exactly - but that night changed my life. That event created an opening in my life - because these women had courage. And they passed that courage onto me simply by showing up and being who they were - out loud and without shame.

That was the night that I decided that I was not hiding anymore. That was the night that I decided that I was going to tell my story too - and on January 18th 2011 - everyone will be able to read my story. For better or for worse - I am stepping into and out of the Pink Ghetto. I am going to be a whole person - all the time - who refuses to hide. I will not be shamed any longer for being  a sexual being. And I am hoping that by sharing my story with you - that I will pass this gift of courage on. No one should have to live in shame simply for being human.

It's hard to believe that on Feb 1st 2011 - I will be reading from the pages of Shameless with Rachel at Coco de Mer in LA, California.  It's amazing what the actions of one can do for another.

The Gift of The Traveling Red Panties.....

Did you ever see the movies "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"?  Well - this weekend at my 50th birthday party - my mother surprised me with a pair of red panties that are about forty four years old.  They are quite simple really - silky red with a trim of lace.  If I didn't know that they had spent decades in a drawer - I wouldn't have guessed. Apparently - these were panties that my mother  gave to my father on his 40th birthday. It was quite provocative in my mother's day to give lingerie in front of guests - but my mother is nothing if not provocative. And she did it again - only this time - the very same panties were presented to me -forty four years later on my 50th birthday! And once again - my mother stunned the party goers into silence. It was not the fact that my mother was giving me a sexy, red pantie - it was the fact that it was hers.....What mother does that? Who does that?

No one knew really what to think....there was a lot of embarrassed laughter and strained jokes flying around the room - but later when I was alone with her card - and the red panties - I was really able to understand what my mother was giving me. It was a gift that most women never receive from their mothers.  My 84 years old mother was telling me to go for it.

She was telling me that she supported me in being a sexual being and living out loud.  And she was she  telling me that she was once sexual too - and shameless. And for a time - after my father's death that she had put those red panties in a drawer - something so important to her that she kept them all of these years later.

In her card to me - she said that she was passing the Olympic torch to me - red and flaming. And that she wanted me to wear them proudly and with joy.  Think about that for a minute. How many mother's give their daughters such a gift.

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Being Shameless Events and Fan Page! Join The Party!

Are you connected to social media? Do you hang out every once in a while on Facebook? I am have a rocking "Fan" page that you can find by clicking right here - and I would love if you would jack in. I keep the Being Shameless  fan page updated everyday with links to my events - book readings - blogs - and shameless fun and sexy happenings that I think you should know about. A lot of that is here too - but I am a Facebook junkie - so if you are on Facebook - please take a minute and visit my Being Shameless Fan Page and "Like" me.   I feel like Sally Fields!

Currently there are three events on the events link page - wonderful fun and sexy events where I will be celebrating the launch of my new memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner.

There is nothing like hearing an author read from their own book to make things come alive! Come hear about my experiences shedding my inhibitions and perhaps  stock up for your own adventures.  It's a story about the journey to sexual empowerment through a path that is almost never talked about....

So take a minute and visit Being Shameless on Facebook!  And RSVP YES - to one of my upcoming events!!!

Shamelessly yours!

Pamela

Harnessing The Power of Pleasure: The Joy of One Way Touch and a Hamburger!

Sometimes I have to be reminded to practice what I preach - and that means - keeping the little voices at bay that whisper not so sweet nothings into my ear.  My self sabotaging voices usually have to do with my body - or my ability to create the future that I want.  Even I need to be reminded to do what I  tell others to do - and that is to stay in each moment - and make time to get inside my body and turn my brain off.  For me - the most effective way to get inside my body is through one way touch. Literally surrendering on the massage table and allowing my body to open to pleasure and sensation.  Feeling hands on my body reminds me that I am beautiful and full of pleasure.  The dance between the massage therapist and my body - hand on skin - draws all of my attention inside to the feelings of sensation and magically takes away my chronic "monkey brain" that is always worrying about the next thing that I have to do.

I was feeling pretty burned out - it's fabulous, fun, and exciting to launch "Shameless" into the world - and I have been on a marathon - until January 18th - the publication date - I am also still working full time in fertility (something that will always be a part of me) so that means that every waking hour is devoted to something! A dear friend and mentor spoke to me and said "Pamela - this is not the time to forget what changed your life! You need touch! Get thee to a massage table - and out of that bag of pretzels!" Oh - I did what everyone does - I whined about not having the time or the money - but reached out anyway to the people in my life that support me. And after a few starts and stops - the beautiful and incredible massage therapist  John Ellsworth created time for me to climb on his table.

It's about receiving - and knowing that the person who is giving is also receiving - and there is nothing to do but be in my own body - feel my own breath - and move into his hands.  The other day I wrote about this study on my Shameless Woman blog over at  Psychology Today that I heard on  The Today Show during their hour long special on sex. The study that was cited was all about how over 80% of all women and over 70% of all men want to be tied up.  This does not surprise me.  They want to be "forced" to receive - "forced" to surrender to pleasure because so many people feel that they always have to give back - always have to "do" in some way - and knowing how to simply receive pleasure is something that is so completely foreign to us - that we want the ropes to enforce the boundary on reminding us to simply receive.  Of course - ropes can feel sexy too! And having the rope on our skin may be it's own turn -on.  I am just talking about a deeper place of meaning in this blog that the ropes can represent for people.

As for me - I don't need ropes anymore to encourage me to receive touch.  I just need a gentle or not so gentle reminder from my friends that I too need to create the time just to receive - and for me the massage table is just the thing.  For 90 minutes I went away - and when I came back - John pointed me in the direction of a wonderful little bar to get a hamburger and a martini. A real treat for me.  I walked around the corner - how I got there I am really not sure as I was still a bit punch drunk from all that fabulous touch - and sat down at a table for one.

It was good to be alone. I am sure that I was a sight! With a brand new hair do created by  massage oil and John's hands - and my slightly glazed over eyes - I was thankful that they seated me! I order my martini as I watched plates of salad go by. No - I wasn't going to have salad. I ordered a hamburger with french fries. Something that I would never do - it's a big scandalous for a chubby girl to eat so freely - especially in public. But I did.  I sipped - I day dreamed and I ate that hamburger - bun and all - down to the last crumb.

I sang all the way home my own little mantra - thank you - thank you - thank you!!! Ah the healing power of pleasure - I really need to harness it a bit more often!

Putting Hinges on Your Life

My friend Christine from The Pleasure Mechanics was talking to me about putting  "hinges" into our lives the other day. I like that concept. Placing hinges on relationships - or places in our lives - so that things are not necessarily absolute. Hinges allow for coming and going. Hinges allow for flexibility and possibility. Hinges allow for a world that is not full of walls and boundaries - yet hinges also speak of rules and a kind of permanence.  A door cannot stay up without hinges. Hinges allow for groundedness, yet hinges also allow for a change of position, without giving up the past or closing a door on the future....

At the moment, I am embracing hinges. There are so many places in my life where I would like to add hinges instead of boundaries and absolutes and feel the door swing gently...opening...closing.....and sometimes...resting some place in the middle.

Are there places in your life where you would like to insert hinge? Wanna share?

Letting Go Of Shame...

There are so many kinds of shame - it's not always about sex or appearance. Sometimes, we can have shame around money. I find it especially difficult hearing about the evictions that are happening day after day across our country. It is different for me. I know what those families are going through. I recognize those lost, frightened eyes. I lived through two evictions when I was about thirteen years old. We lived in what might have seemed like affluence - what would today be a multimillion dollar home in Great Neck, Long Island.

But there was very little food in the house. The phone rang daily with creditors looking for money. I remember my mother selling off her beloved Baby Grand Piano to buy groceries. I remember her giving all of her jewelry to her brother in return for cash. I remember the Sheriff’s car and the moving trunks. I remember all of our belongings being pulled onto the front lawn while movers packed things up into boxes and loaded them up into the vans. I remember my confusion, my embarrassment, the burning shame.

There was this feeling of not being sure of how to behave. No one tells a thirteen year old how to behave during an eviction. I remember doing cart wheels on our front lawn and trying to stay out of the way. I knew that what was happening was very bad - and that in some way - we had all failed. That my mother and father were in a place where they were out of control - that they couldn’t really protect me. I think that was the first time that I felt really vulnerable in my life. While I was a resilient kid - I think that it was then that I knew that I would have to really learn how to take care of myself. That parents couldn’t always protect you.

I remember moving into the apartment that we lived in for about four months until we were going to be evicted from that. We actually left that one before the Sheriff came with the trucks. But I clearly remember coming home from school and seeing the eviction notice nailed to the door. They really do that. I cannot describe that feeling of knowing that soon you will have no place to live...again.

I remember my Aunt Evelyn and Uncle Irwin bringing food. I remember this really skinny chicken and lots of rice and butter. The memory of putting whole sticks of butter in the hot steaming rice - and being glad that no one cared what I ate anymore. My weight a constant source of struggle between my mother and myself, was not the over riding concern. I think that they were just happy that I was content in the moment. Why I remember those big bowls of rice - I do not know. But they are vivid in my memory of that time - perhaps it was that I was allowed to eat unfettered. That no one cared and there was a secret joy in that. That I could comfort myself with the food. I remember that the apartment was near "Town" and that I could walk to Leeds Drug Store and buy candy. I would buy it and hide it. I would eat it alone in my room. It was the beginning of my struggle with food that would follow me the rest of my life.

We moved from there to Flushing, Queens. We lived in a two family house above Greek landlords who cooked whole lambs on spits in their back yard. It was "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"...only we were never invited. I could just watch them and smell the parties. It created longing in me for friends and community. I was in isolation.

My brother and sister were away. They were so much older than I was - the gap much more pronounced then. My brother Mark was in law school and my sister was at the University of Michigan. I was alone a great deal with my mother who spent her time pacing, grieving for what was lost, trying to make sense of what had happened and trying to get work. She never wanted to be left alone. I was her baby sitter. I remember not fitting in at the inner city school - and being put on "home bound" education with the excuse that I needed my tonsils out. I am not sure how all of it was arranged - but I stayed home and was tutored. I remember wandering the streets - I was so displaced - taken out of my environment - away from my friends. I found an animal shelter - and I began spending my days there - taking care of the animals. It was the first time that I created my own community out of nothing. Only months before, I had a pony - and I could no longer see him either. His name was Jay-Jay. I loved that pony and it was really hard losing all of those friends and my beloved horse.

I asked my mother if I could have $21.00 and I put an ad in Arabian Horse World Magazine looking for a job to work at a horse farm that summer. I was now fourteen. I remember lying and saying that I was fifteen. After all fifteen sounded so much older than fourteen. I landed a job in upstate Pennsylvania for five dollars a week plus room and board. I needed to get away from Flushing, my frantic mother, my absent father who was somewhere in Asia trying to fix our lives.

I remember not being frightened at all. Being able to create what I needed - and living on farm eggs and Kraft macaroni and cheese. That is what the woman that I worked for fed me every day. I was happy mucking out stalls, feeding the chickens, taking care of her cows - and I got to ride horses every day.

When I got home after the long summer on the farm - we had moved back into a house in Great Neck. Apparently affluence had returned. I finished high school back in Great Neck, met my future husband at mixer at The United States Merchant Marine Academy where he was a midshipman, and went off to Sarah Lawrence College until my father passed away suddenly in an airport in Germany on a business trip from a massive heart attack when I was nineteen.

Living through that time of eviction forever changed me. I no longer believed in anyone else's ability to take care of me. I knew that what life seemed - may not be what it is. That life was full of floors that may not be sturdy. I had learned that parents cannot always protect you. I learned that shame was something that only existed if you allowed it to. And I learned in the power of Pamela. That I could survive - and make my own happiness. I learned that I could take care of myself.

I look at the faces of the families that are facing evictions. I wonder what lessons those kids are learning. I wonder how they will react to the realities that I faced as a budding young woman. And how these lessons, and their reactions will contribute to who they will become.

So what does this have to do with you? What does this have to do with my book - or my mission to support people to live a shameless life? Well, this blog is about whatever life throws at you - my belief in your ability to survive it.

When I was a young girl I learned that life can throw incredible curve balls at you. I learned that people may tell you that there are no options - no money - no resources - and no hope. But I also learned an incredibly valuable lesson in the darkest of times in a young girls life - and it is a lesson that frankly Obama used as his slogan to be elected it is "Yes we can". If we want something badly enough - we find a way.

Right now, I am remembering a young thirteen year old girl who created her own happiness and had her first experience in letting go of shame.

Shameless Pot Stirring or Putting Down The Spoon!

Sometimes I amuse myself simply by observing my own struggles. My emotions can be like the weather in San Francisco...if you wait five minutes it will change. Do you ever going around in circles or patterns of behavior? What is up with that? My life is full of so many new and exciting people, opportunities - and new experiences! And yet even as I watch myself touch all of these new places - I am also  observing myself going back to some not so pretty places that I thought that I have moved away from.  Do you ever do that?

I often do not see myself actually moving into these darker place - sometimes they just kind of happen! But I do recognize the feelings that occur in my body as I arrive into these old places again.  I notice the feelings of dis-satisfaction - the wanting - the needing of the affirmation of the other. Why isn’t this person loving? Why doesn’t that person ever sound welcoming? What is it about me? What am I doing wrong? I feel the pain body begin to move inside of me....and the stories begin to build.

And then it happens - this new part of me that has arisen through these last few years. I realize that I am conscious of what I am doing. I  can stop the madness. I allow myself to feel whatever it is that I was feeling. I take a big clearing breath - and I uncurl my fingers - unclench my stomach.

I put down the spoon that I was either going to use to feed myself or stir the pot. Nice spoon. I really don’t need you right now - but thank you for being ever ready to assist me!

So how about you? Shake any spoons late? Stir any pots that don't really need stirring?

A Shameless Family

About a little over a year ago - I took my 21 year old son known as "Andrew" in my memoir SHAMELESS to lunch.  We went to the diner - where the old people and the young mother's with their little kids eat. It's called - "Blue Bay" - and it has been there since the year of the flood. I ate there when I was pregnant and it was one of my son's  first dining experiences.

"Mom - you look so sad lately. So beaten. What is up with that?"

"Oh Andrew. I am just so done - and a little scared.  Done with worrying about being "found out" - done with having to feel that a part of my life is a secret life - done with all of it. I hate secrets and I hate that people think that they can "out" me.  And out me for what? Living my life fully and without shame?  Sometimes, people are just plain mean.  And now I am doing this book - telling my story - and I really believe that it is going to happen that I am going to get it published -   and once again - it is going to take a tremendous amount of  courage because there are very few people that talk as honestly as I do about sex - and desire.

There will be no more secrets - or at least very few! Coming out and telling my story - and wondering how the world will welcome me. The risks to my career that anyone faces -  anytime that they talk openly in this country about sexuality. Honey - you know that  it has come already with costs. Sometimes I feel like I have failed you - in my desire to talk about all of what has happened in my life.  It is daunting sometimes - that is what you see in my face. What if I fail and I ruin it all for us?"

Andrew looks at me - and says "Ever tried. Ever Failed. No Matter. Try Again. Fail Better.- That is by Samuel Beckett".

My son reaches for my hand across the table and smiles at me. "Come on Mom....fail better this time!"

No mother could love a son more.

The publication date is January 18th, 2011. We are a Shameless family and we are going to fail better together!

The Divine Temple of Sensuous Bliss: The Massage Table

Yesterday I went to a breakfast sponsored by Zestra which is a woman's arousal gel that I have written about before. They had all of these sexperts at the breakfast there to talk to us writers, bloggers and reporters about female arousal, sexuality, desire and orgasm. I love that - so I went. During a presentation - one of the sexperts quoted a survey that stated when women were given the choice between sex and a massage - they picked the massage! The study results got the desired response - everyone laughed and groaned. But not me. First of all - I hated the question - I mean why do we have to pick between two incredibly pleasurable activities - and then have the answer be used as a  commentary? But I knew why the study was done - and I knew the answer before it was given that  women would pick the massage over sex - and that the  sexperts were using that answer to show the sorry state of female sexuality. But really - no disrespect intended here - neither the survey makers or the sexperts really got it.  But I did. I don't mean to be bratty here - but I simply didn't draw the same conclusions.

I understood why the women picked massage as their first choice - and it had nothing to do at all with the sorry state of female sexuality.  The answer was all about  being sex positive - not sex negative! We just have to be willing to open up our  minds a little bit about what constitutes a sensuous and satisfying embodied activity! What was missing from the understanding of the survey makers - and perhaps even from the sexperts who used this study as an example of women not wanting sex -  was that massage - even traditional massage - is a very sensuous and pleasurable activity that allows us to feel touch for a very extended amount of time without doing anything back!  The most traditional of massage experiences allows women to go  deeply into their bodies  - and receive  sensuous pleasure - that is all about them!

Most women don't get the opportunity to do this. To simply - get naked,  lie on a table and allow someone to touch them in a non erotic - yet sensuous safe way that gives pleasure for an extended amount of time. It is positively delicious - and for many women - this experience is  not as available as traditional sex.  So of course they picked massage over sex in the ill conceived  survey.  Women are not stupid!

It was a funny coincidence - but yesterday I also received an incredible massage  and I was again reminded of the spectacular  healing and delicious pleasure  that can happen on the massage table.  Yes - pleasure - pure and simple. Healing pleasure. And in my mind - in my experience - pleasure is not only healing - it is  transformational.

It had been a long time since I had climbed aboard a massage table and simply - magnificently - divinely - received one way healing touch. Oh - I have made lots of reasons why I haven't gone. There is the money - the time - and the fact that every once in a while - even I - the great SHAMELESS wonder has moments of body shame. So I deny myself what I know to be one of the most healing, restorative, regenerative , and pleasurable activities that I can think of - and that is receiving a massage.

But John Ellsworth, an old friend and one of the most talented massage therapists I know - offered me a massage as an early birthday present. I almost didn't go - after all - I am a very busy lady! I have so much to do! There are families to build in my fertility work, blogs to write and a book to promote! There are dinners to cook - and an apartment to clean! I could go all day and not finish all of the things that I need to do. But I stopped - and I went after work - and it was such an important reminder that receiving massage is one of the most important things that I can make time for to keep myself ticking.

I know that there can be  a lot of discomfort in recognizing and having a massage - something that we pay for - as something other than a therapeutic activity that we engage in because we have a bad back - or a pulled shoulder - or as a way for us to keep our muscles in shape as athletes.  Not many people are willing to say that they embrace massage as a way to give themselves pleasure. We are a pleasure denied society - that talks about pleasure a lot - and then puts a lot of taboos around it.  And anything that has nudity, touch and possibly money involved in it  - we have to put lots and lots of boundaries around - so that other  people will know that we are engaging in the activity for "medical purposes".

We don't want anyone to think - that possibly we are doing this for pleasure's sake only!

So let me help out on this one.  Pleasure is important. Pleasure can change your life. Sensuous pleasure is healing and feels great! Traditional non-erotic  massage is an incredible tool for getting reconnected with the power of pleasure that we can all have in our own bodies - and yes  - if it helps you justify the experience - it is healing!  And we don't have to do anything to receive this but show up and climb on the table.

I left John's studio feeling transformed after 90 minutes of pure pleasure that didn't involve sex  - but was just as delicious.

Thank you John for the reminder - and the women in the study were no dummies!

Cha Cha Cha Changes!!!!

My song came on while driving home today. It is actually my anthem. It speaks to my heart. It has my been my song for a while now. Now more than ever.  Yesterday I sang very loudly through the tears that were streaming down my face as I sang this to my own heart!

"Landslide I took my love and I took it down I climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills Well the landslide brought me down Oh, mirror in the sky What is love Can the child within my heart rise above Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides Can I handle the seasons of my life Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you But time makes you bolder Children get older I'm getting older too Well... Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you But time makes you bolder Children get older I'm getting older, too Well I'm getting older too So, take this love and take it down Year and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills Well the landslide brought me down And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills Well maybe Well maybe Well maybe the landslide will bring you down"

To me it's a song about being willing to face change - and how we can often fear change in a place deep in our bones - until we can really see ourselves clearly in the change. Sometimes that means climbing to great heights only to turn around and go back. To me, this is a song and about finding your courage to leave what is safe and known, That's a biggie - and then being willing to let go and move on. It's a song about growing up at any age and coming to terms with the fact even though you love something and it is was the most precious to you- it may no longer serve your life.  In fact some things in our lives that we have loved may in fact actually hurt you - no matter how much you loved it or was devoted to it.......sometimes a landslide will bring you down.

There have been so many land slides in my life the last few years and  so many changes. The cool thing is what is actually new for me in this process, is that I am finding that I am adjusting to the changes in a entirely new way.  The feeling of needing to stay with something because I felt needy, or needed to feel accepted or wanted has slowly left this woman . This is how I used to operate all the time. If doing something made me feel wanted or needed....I would do it. It was how I felt safe in the world. How I would be kept and not thrown out. But now - as I fly down that snow covered hill, its like I have a snow suit on...and a whoopee cushion in the seat of my pants... Bump...Bump...Bump.....Yee Haw!

Like the singer in the song "Landslide" I find that I am bolder, and that I can weather the changes....the seasons of my life in an entirely new way.

And you can enjoy the seasons too. Sometimes knowing  that certain times in your life  are gone forever  can feel bittersweet - but know how beautiful every season was. Instead of trying to just hang on because you are frightened of the next unknown piece of weather. I have even have found that I am noticing with some discomfort why aren't I more upset about certain things? When things that used to really throw me....well.....just aren't throwing me the way they used to. Is this okay? Why aren't I more upset?

Okay, I may notice a little discomfort -.but a melt down? No....not nearly. Not anymore. This has been an incredible year of victories for me. My book SHAMELESS is coming out - I have continued to work in the field of fertility for over 20 years - and now I am thinking about taking myself in new directions. There is so much work that I feel compelled to do - and by taking those risks - embracing those new paths - I am feeling the that quiet feeling of discomfort that comes with changes. But this time I welcome those feelings. It is a sign that I moving down the right path. I have made new friends....and some in unexpected places. How I have come to view my life has changed. And I am envisioning my future as an dynamic work in progress.

What it so interesting to me is that I really credit my ability to climb the mountain and turn around - to see my reflection in the snow cover hills with the embodiment work that I have written about and participated in over the last four years. It has created a stronger, more self assured woman...who understands her value in the world and does not simply accept others projections onto me. There was a time that if someone called me something....or labeled me something...I would have just accepted it....in order to be kept in that person's life.

My desire to be wanted was so strong. Not so much anymore. I have gotten the lesson that I do not have to work that hard anymore to be wanted. I don't have to accept other people's stuff simply to stay in their lives.

I cannot put this Genie back in the bottle. I have been launched as my book is ready to fly into people's arms. My view of myself is forever altered. I see myself fully as a woman who is deeply committed to supporting other women in finding this place in themselves. And I am finally positioned to do that work. In every loving ounce of me - I am sharing all of me, in all the ways that I can. And I feel like I am finding just the right people to support me in this moment - teach with me- and help each woman explorer on her way to her own mountain.

Team Shameless is forming! More to come!!! Cha Cha Cha Changes!!!