The Healing and Rejuvenation Magic in Sexual Arousal

Female sexual arousal as a tool of health and creation in women is one of the most understudied parts of a woman's mental and physical health care.  A big part of the problem is that there is simply no funding for it.  Science is mostly funded by the Pharmaceutical Industry which is very interested in "finding cures" through medication.  As a result, most research in sexuality is funded around pain not the benefits of pleasure. But if we look closely at the pain research that is being done around sexual arousal we can find scientific validation that pleasure heals, and sexually arousal is a healing tool.

In a recent study on the benefits of sexual arousal and orgasm for treating pain by Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, a distinguished service professor at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, he found that orgasm releases a hormone that helps raise your pain threshold.

Dr. Komisaruk also found that stimulation without orgasm can also provide the same benefits. “We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache.”

Pleasure heals.  And I believe that the state of arousal may actually be the secret source of every woman’s power. If it wasn't; why would our genitals be the first thing that is attacked when society wants to subdue women? Throughout history, women have been severed, often  from their sexual energy, preventing them from using it for anything other than the service of men. When the circuit is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused, women numb out.  It's our genitals that are mutilated, our bodies that are raped so that we are so traumatized that we lose our power, and it is our sexuality that is even sometimes put under garments to cover all of us and make us invisible even to ourselves.

Learning to access and use arousal is the beginning of becoming whole

Arousal is the ignition switch of the female erotic engine, that potent driver of sexual energy that is life force itself. Is it any wonder that arousal heals?

It's time for a new understanding of  female sexuality. It stops being about merely the orgasm, the lover, the marriage or the commodity for sale.  It's about teaching women how core female sexuality is the fuel that lights up a woman from within.

When she’s in an aroused state, when the erotic engine is humming, mind and body collude to give her that instantly recognizable and enviable show-stopping ability. Think Cleopatra or Michelle Obama. Marital status, age, sexual preference, body size or health issues just don’t matter. This is for all women. When women learn how to tap into and access their arousal they rediscover or perhaps find for the first time that hotbed of energy to unleash each woman’s full potential.

When we stimulate the vagina (and yes, I mean all of the parts) we stimulate the production of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for sexual arousal. In an aroused state our senses are heightened, we are more focused, flushed with creative energy, self- confidence, highly motivated and just plain sexy.

We tend to race past this fertile and delicious state in hot pursuit of the orgasm. The “Big O” is something that we’ve been brainwashed to think is the only successful outcome every time we go near our genitals. In the mad dash to climax, we get gypped of a free,  organic state that doesn’t require anything other than giving your vagina attention.

The uniquely female life force, turned back on itself shorts out the vagina-heart-brain circuit. With the wires fried, women often find themselves disconnected from their own desires on the most basic of levels. Some women make themselves sexually invisible, consoling themselves with addictions (shopping, food, alcohol), or tumble into depression and anxiety. Many of these women are leaders in so many parts of their lives. CEOs to Supermoms, it doesn’t matter. When this circuit disrupts, the breakdown is often private and unseen to the casual observer. Too many women are still faking it on the deepest of levels when it comes to their relationship with their bodies. They cover up numbness and fear often with either compliance or anger.

So while the primary focus in accessing arousal is not about how to have great sex, you will. As one of my coaching clients said: “My boyfriend has not changed his techniques. Nothing looks different really from the outside, but damn – sex is hotter than it’s ever been in my life.” That’s what I am talking about.  I also believe that women who work with their arousal in an ongoing way, are on their way to find their own fountain of youth.

So how do you get started? It's really simple.  For many of us that means we need to by-pass the neo-cortex, hand-slapping, nay-saying part of the brain, and dive right into the pelvis. You need to put your attention on your genitals.

Start slow and easy, when you’re alone and there’s privacy. Wear your clothes or don’t. Whatever makes you comfortable.

In a comfortable seated position, feet firmly on the floor, cup your vulva, palm up, from the front with your fingertips pointing back.

With eyes closed, start rocking your pelvis back and forth.

Focus your attention on the sensations generated by your vulva filling your hand , your muscles clenching and releasing, your pelvis rocking

If you’re feeling adventurous, throw in some Kegels, squeezing and releasing your pelvic floor.

As your awareness of sensation increases–and it will– let yourself move and lean into the rock.

KEEP BREATHING

When you feel heat rising, when you start to feel pleasure, you’ve arrived in that juicy activated known as arousal. And you’ve done it without any of the usual agendas — no imperative to reach orgasm, pleasing a partner or satisfying a fantasy. This simple exercise can begin your journey of connection to your own body. It can mark the end of numbness. It can even heal.

One of my clients, we will call her Sarah, was so disconnected from erotic engine that she couldn’t identify pleasure in any parts of her life. She was sexually non functional, depressed and on heavy medication. She kept telling me that she couldn’t feel her genitals, that there was no pleasure there at all. So fully clothed, (we were working through video Skype) I asked her to cup her vulva and begin to softly rock her pelvis while learning forward . I coached her to allow her vulva fill to gentle fill her hand. We did this exercise quietly for about five minutes. When I saw that she was very relaxed and into her own body, and that her face was beginning to flush. I asked her is she could feel anything?

Sarah opened her eyes and tears begin to flow. ” I feel heat. I can feel my body!”

It was as simple as having her put attention on her genitals in a way that didn’t have to lead to anything other than feeling erotic energy.

Moment of awakening. The first step in getting the engine cranked and it’s so simple. It’s all about the arousal.

After 50 Vaginal Maintenance: What Every Owner Needs To Know

Are you "After 50" and a  proud owner of a vagina? If you are, you might have noticed that your vagina and her needs are changing.  Vaginas actually have an environment that shifts during our life cycle and what we expect of them. Vaginas need and enjoy attention; and knowing how to keep your vagina happy is very important because if your vagina isn't happy nobody is happy! Most of us know that vaginas are self cleaning ovens, a source of pleasure and a sometimes portal for life. But did you know that in the United States alone, six thousand women go into menopause every day?

Did you know that some of these women may experience uncomfortable dryness, pain and a lowering of libido.

Well, phooey on that (phooey is a scientific term for 'get outta here').

Yes, you can go the route of estrogen therapy and other pharmaceutical remedies. But for some women who have or have survived estrogen-receptor positive cancer, or are concerned that they may be at high risk for cancer, they can't use hormone therapy. And even if you do use these therapies; I think that my routine for vaginal maintenance could either be a stand alone or combined with western medicine.

Pamela's Tips For Vaginal Maintenance:

1.  Keep a bottle or jar of coconut oil (organic) in the bathroom. After you pee and wipe; put a little oil on your fingers and massage your inner labia and the area around the opening of your vagina. This will keep the skin of your inner labia and the opening to your vagina soft and subtle. Yes, do this every time you use the bathroom at home. 2. Buy a jade egg or Kegel Beads.  Not everyone has a partner, and even those of us that do have partners are not having intercourse enough for our vaginal health. Our vaginas needs to be exercised! If we do not provide our vaginas with regular stimulation we may experience the walls of our vaginas thinning or worse  vaginal atrophy can occur.  By wearing a jade egg or play with Kegel Beads, we are taking the health of our vaginas into our own hands.  The use of the egg or beads can also help you maintain your ability to create lubrication. The beads jump around in your vagina and literally work out the walls.  Many vagina owners report that they don't even notice that they are wearing the egg or beads. Just be care when you go to the bathroom! They could fall out! A great first step with the beads is sleeping with them inside you. You can wear the beads or egg all day. Experiment with them. 3. Use lubricants! Lube is really your friend. Don't let your partner use spit to create a wetter environment in your vagina(yes, some partners really try to get away with that!).  Sex doesn't have to be painful, and using lots of lubricant can make your vagina really happy. Use lubricate when you place your Kegel Beads inside of you, or when you use the Jade Egg.  Use lubricants when you play with sex toys.  Use lube! I like Sliquid Silk Lube and Hathor Aphrodisa Lubricant.

4. Check out Sex Butter.  Sex butter is also a natural lubricant, but it is also a stimulant.  Many women report that using Sex Butter has also supported them in easing vaginal pain. I keep it in my tool box.

5. Use insertables. That's right, I am talking sex toys that you can put in your vagina. Once again, this is about pleasure but it's also about keeping our over 50 vaginas happy! My favorite toys at the moment are made by njoy. These toys have body and weight to them. They can give a woman something to hold onto and I like that.  I highly recommend the "Pure Wand", "The Fun Wand" and the njoy "Eleven". These toys are made out of pure medical grade stainless steel.  They feel good, can give you lots of pleasure and they are really fabulous for vaginal maintenance.  Invest in one or try them all.  All three of these beauties are in my tool chest.

6.  Vagina Hugs: Your vagina needs love and attention. This does not always have to look like rocket ship orgasms. Vaginas like to be touched and held. Sometimes, simple hold and rocking is enough.  Or gentle petting either with dry hands or with lubricant. Try that when you wake up in the morning or when you are falling asleep at night.

Remember, do one else can really love and maintain your vagina for you.  And when your vagina is happy, the world is a brighter place!

Reclaiming The Female Erotic Body

Imagine a society where a girl grows up being taught that her genitals are beautiful, sacred and belong to her.  In this culture, this girl might then grow up to become a woman who is able to live in her own bright light and not be frightened, constrained or shamed by her own femaleness.  I have never met an adult woman who was raised with her sexuality being celebrated and honored. I am hopeful, for the next generation. But that would mean we would need to stop regulating female sexuality and reproduction. We would have to come together as a global community, stand up and declare that a woman's body belongs to no one but herself.

I want to live in a world where women who are empowered in their bodies and their sexual expression are not thought of as dangerous or slut shamed. Where women are not taught to separate their erotic nature from the most vital parts of our lives other than sex.  Where women are taught that their erotic nature empowers their work, creativity, and their ability to serve their community.

As women, we need to forward the way in which our communities can truly be different.  What if the erotic nature of women truly is our life force energy? What if my belief that this erotic energy transforms and fuels us to a greater expression of creativity, learning, loving, working, painting, dancing, cooking, parenting, and enjoying our lives? How can we support girls and women to have this?

Every women needs to know she is welcomed, honored and worthy of having pleasure in her body. Every women needs to be taught from the earliest age that her vulva is beautiful, that her desires are important, and that she is worthy of attention.

Women who have not been raised within this loving environment need to have their wounds healed. Most women are raised with some level of shame around the appearance, smell, or discharges from their genitals. It is only in recent years that menstruation is being honored for young women, and only in segments of our communities. Because so many women have been raised with fear around their own sexuality, we have learned to numb out and disconnect from our bodies. Women need to be given the opportunity to reconnect to their bodies and their sexual feelings. This is a kind of re-parenting of the body: where each women is given opportunities to focus on simply feeling and focusing on sensation.  For a woman who is raised with shame, fear, or hurt in her own sexuality, it may take time for her to drop her full body armor and open.

Without real and relevant sex education, women are raised without knowledge of their own genital anatomy - let alone what could possibly give them pleasure. Most women do not have partners who also understand the female body. Our men, were not given an education either. So if women and men do not know what is possible erotically for a woman - the experience of sexuality can often be less than pleasurable or not as beautiful as it can be.

It is possible for women to self connect to their own erotic bodies; even women who have been traumatized and not just neglected or shamed on subtle levels. Women can be shown how to reclaim what was always there and find all the joy that their are capable of feeling in their bodies.

Once women are able to deeply feel all the aspects of their sexuality and bring it fully into their lives - they will begin to demand from themselves and from those around them a level of integrity that is full of radiance. No one some want to keep it all under wraps. A fully erotically empowered woman will evaluate all of her life: her partnerships, her work, and even where she lives. She may make changes. She may no longer settle for what is convenient or conventional.

A fully embodied self loving woman will finally let go of the fear of her own deepest cravings. She will no longer be frightened of the loud, wild "YES" within herself.  Imagine all of us being able to claim our pleasure - and where no one has to retreat into fear and numbing. It's possible.  I have bore witness.

Feminism Reborn

Sometimes we get to experience a perfect storm. When we find our family, our own bodies, our art, and our relationships under attack. I am in the middle of a perfect storm, and I am stunned. That place where see these interconnecting links and patterns in our society around the views that are held around the feminine. And then we get to see  those views directly affect our lives and the lives of people that we love.

It all began when I was asked recently to give an interview about my views on feminism for a young sex educator is Seattle who was taking a course on female studies.  I wish I could take my interview back.  I can see my arrogance now. My own stupidity in believing that women had come of age and that feminism was almost passe. I told her that women like me simply accepted our equals rights - at least in America.

That we have stepped on the shoulders of the women that came before, and now we walk in their glory. That for most American women, we simply accepted our full fledged rights, and believed that were were considered equal. Well, horseshit.  I take it all back. I was wrong. Over the last four months I come to see this line through the health care system and through our very own sex community where we doubt a woman's voice on some very deep levels.

Where a woman’s sexuality and desires are still judged, shamed and turned into some kind of "disorder", where we can't say "Clitoris" or write "Clitoris".  Because it'a a part of the female body that is directly linked to female sexual pleasure.

And while we have gotten to a place where we can speak "Vagina" in some places - the Vagina is not directly linked to female pleasure.  The vagina can be also be seen as a vehicle for birth and male pleasure.  It has other purposes other than female pleasure, so, the vagina is starting to get  a "pass".  But there are still parts of the world they are still cutting out the female clitoris because female pleasure is unseemly - dare I say it? Dangerous.

We live in a world where a woman who is well educated and respected in the health care field (my sister) is dismissed in her symptoms for FOUR months and told she was having anxiety and should see a shrink. The same sister is who just had brain surgery and yes, we lost four months. Because she was dismissed as crazy or stressed or anxious. And it's not just men, it is also women who display this underlying misogynistic behavior, where society tends to characterize women in crisis on any level as “She doesn't know her own mind.” And you better be careful and "not dip your dick in crazy".  Do we have similar slams against the masculine? I don't think so.

Why are women always threatened with the word "Crazy"? We were put in asylums when we fought for the vote! "Crazy" or "Hysterical" is used as a way of deflecting a woman's true expression of her feelings and desires, it's a misuse of the term, and it's a way of dismissing a woman's feelings, creating distrust in a woman's authentic experience, and point of views.

And it's a covert way of diminishing a woman's power of her own sexual  and personal agency. It undermines her in every possible way and the impact can be extraordinary and expensive. And so many of us buy it again and again.

Being dismissed in this way is very expensive on so many levels. When we look to discredit a woman in the authenticity of her experience we impact her life and the culture around her in so many countless ways that it can make my head spin.

It is astonishing to me, that good people are still throwing "crazy" around as a way of dismissing and diminishing a woman's voice — and taking away her sexual, political or wellness agency by making her “suspect.” It's all about making the feminine "suspect", that's the easiest way to discredit her. Watch it play out around you - once you start to pay attention you will be shocked at who is playing this game.

Supporting women to believe in their power and have the ability to act on behalf of their own needs, desires, and wishes is supporting women to have “agency" in all areas of their lives. That is the game I am playing. That is where I want to support women to live.

We continue to convince women to internalize the sociocultural assumptions that grant their male partners, the political and health care system and their communities needs over their own.  We shame women for listening to their own voice and their own needs.

Understanding this pattern of behavior is empowering to women as they negotiate their personal and complete agency with health care providers, lovers, and life partners. We have to learn to recognize the pattern so we can break it.

And yes, there is still some fear of sexually empowered women – just under the surface. In the recent documentary "This Film is Not Yet Rated" the dreaded NC 17  rating which is basically an X rated, is not given for violence.  You can shoot down an entire village of children and not get a NC 17. But show a woman having too much sexual pleasure? You will get that NC17 rating so fast that your head will spin.

Maybe that is why Clitoris is such a loaded word.

Look how far we have come in the conversation around gender equality and yet where it gets kinky, is when we talk about sexual pleasure and the female clitoris. I just had the word removed the title of a popular blog that I just wrote.

Historically, sex-related language has been a highly sensitive area.  But many of us think that in Western countries at the very least, that we cannot tolerate or defend any form of public censorship around the use of sex related language as it pertains to basic human anatomy - yet in the United States women's bodies are being censored through language routinely and there simply isn't a lot of  discussion around this and the psychological effects that this censorship has on women's relationship with their own bodies. In fact, while scanning the literature - I could find very little.  And this ties into everything I have said above. This is a web. A perfect storm that can happen to any woman, at any time.

Many of us have experience with the female body being censored.  Breast feeding in public is a very well known topic of censorship because we have sexual fetishism around the female breast, and cannot somehow understand that the breast has other functions other than  getting people off.  So no naked breasts or nipples on Facebook, but men are allowed to go bare chested.

But again, in contrast, I have heard very little about the use of language in the realm of censorship of the female body, but as a writer and and sex educator for women this is something that I confront all the time. And if we are not allowed to speak female bodies how are we suppose to understand women's bodies?

Censoring our language, and our ability to write and name our body parts is a very under studied and insidious way of keeping girls and women in their place.  If the simple naming of our own anatomy is pornographic, unseemly and an embarrassment - how are women able to relate to our bodies?

When I tried to update Facebook from my snazzy new Samsung Note Three, I was unable to write the word clitoris.  My auto correct kept insisting that I was trying to write "Clinton".  My friend with an iphone was offered the word "citrus".

I had no problems writing "penis" or "scrotum".

In a interview I did awhile back in the Detroit Free Press for an article entitled "The V Word" all about the use of the word "Vagina", commentators were not allowed to use the word Vagina in the comments section. It was deleted as it was declared pornographic.

In  The Second Sex by Simone De Beauvoir,  De Beauvior recognizes that “to be present in the world implies strictly that there exists a body which is at once a material thing in the world and a point of view towards the world” (Beauvoir 39).  But we are still denying the body.

This is a very complicated web that we are weaving. A web where some are being seen and told that they  do not  know their own mind.  A society that makes violence more acceptable than female sexual pleasure. And we feel it, us empowered women anyway.

We feel this fear and tamp down - all of us are doing it on some level - yes even me.

After all we don't want to be out cast. Whether it is through how we express our desires, or how we are heard. It's a price I'm no longer willing to pay anymore on any level. I wheeled my sister into major surgery. For four months she was dismissed.  I have heard women who have emotions, are outspoken about sexuality and their own desire dismissed as "crazy".  I have had my own writing censored.  I am so done with all of it.

Fine, if I have to reclaim the word "feminist" as my own then I will.  I'm angry and I'm willing to use my voice.

Cultivating a Conscious Vagina

I'm going to say something that is going to make many women uncomfortable.  If you are not connected to your vagina it's gonna be hard to feel a man's penetrating you with his cock: even if he has a great big one! It's really not about cock size. Women want to be "Filled up", "Taken", and "Penetrated".  And the rule of thumb is that you need a big penis in order to do that.  I think it's more about our ability as women to feel.  So how do you get a conscious vagina? I have some thoughts!

Tips For Cultivating a Conscious Vagina:

1. Spend time softly petting your own vulva. Do this without lubricant first. Gently explore all the areas of your own genitals. We get so used to deep, hard and high intensity touch such as vibrators that we have begun to numb out our own capacity to feel variations of sensations.

So practice soft and gentle with yourself. Focus on arousal and simply feeling.  Include just holding your vulva in this exercise and not moving at all.

This is a touch exercise not about the Orgasmic Olympics.

2. Take this exercise further, and add lubricant. How does the sensation change? Can you notice this? If you are moving slowly, go even slower! If you are touching gently, touch even more feathery. Play with it. How does the different sensations work for you?

3. Play with a dildo, and explore how it feels to just have the dildo at the gates of your vagina. Play with stillness. Soft knocking at the door. Can you feel it?

4.  Using a Dildo or your finger slowly enter your vagina and move to no movement at all. Can you feel your fingers or the toy? Stay with that feelings. Gently begin to move your body the way you want so. How does the sensation change?

5. Talk with your lover about slowing down and practice with them. Have you explore penis tapping on your vulva or clit? Your conscious vagina needs conscious penetration. How can they tease you with that? Make you really want to be "filled" by them?

Cultivating a conscious vagina is often a practice at first of slowing down the action. Learning to pay attention to sensation and allowing our vaginas to be really hungry for penetration. A part of having a conscious vagina is gaining knowledge of the anatomy of arousal. When women take or are given sufficient time and attention to puff up the whole clitoral complex, penetration by the smallest object or penis can be an exquisite pleasure. When we are ready and hungry, the size will most likely be just perfect!

Try it. Let me know what you think.

The Epidemic of The Angry Vagina

  This past year, I have seen what has felt like a rising epidemic of “The Angry Vagina”. And I am not talking Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues here, although I did read the “The Angry Vagina” before I wrote this blog. I actually thought for a moment that this concept of an angry vagina was new. That I had somehow discovered it in my coaching practice! Silly me. The idea of an angry vagina has been around for a long time. It's just that I hadn't noticed them before.

The fact is that I hadn't thought about this concept of “The Angry Vagina” until I started to meet them on a regular basis in my sexuality coaching practice. Sure, there are vagina's that are angry about yeast infections, thinning vaginal walls, latex condoms, and tampons. But I am talking about something very different; women having conversations with their vagina and their vagina communicating to them a sense of rage, anger, disappointment, and sadness.

A big focus of my work is supporting women in listening to their bodies by tuning into and accessing their erotic arousal.

I guide women on a very simple somatic (through the body) clothing on exercise where they simply cup their genitals and rock. I have dubbed this “Lotus Life Meditation”. I have done this exercise with almost every woman I have worked with this past year. As the women rock on the hands many of them can begin to feel the slow building heat of arousal. Sometimes, this is the first time that they have felt their own arousal in a very long time. And for others, it is the first time that they have felt their arousal separate from beginning some other kind of sex act. This simple act opens up a communication pathway between a vagina and it's woman.

In this guided meditation, we simply feel, listen, and even question our bodies using the energy flow of arousal. In this soft trance states, the women are asked to tune into their bodies and “ask” their “pussy”, “vagina) “yoni”, “vulva” “cunt” (whatever word they are comfortable with), how their “lady parts” are feeling. I often hear words like “honey”, “soft”, “happy”, “sexy”, “hot”, “tingling”, “connected”, and “alive”. But more and more I am hearing these words: “angry”, “rage”, “broken”, “sad”, “pissed off” “disconnected”, “nothing”. And then there are shocked tears. Each woman who expressed these darker emotions were shocked that these words came out of their mouths as they spoke the emotions of their angry, hurt, ignored, and disappointed vagina.

I witness tears rolling down faces and stunned eyes as they realize that they have not been listening to their own bodies, and that their vagina had some very real things to say to them. And so we begin a practice of having an internal dialog between a woman and her most sacred parts. Some mental health professionals call this “counseling with our parts”. Where we actively invite a body part to communicate with us. It's an incredibly healing practice, and often eye opening for the “owner” of the part. So this is what I learned about angry vaginas from their owners this year.

1. Vagina's want to be held and touched and not just when sex and orgasm is on the menu. They like a good cuddle.

2. Vagina's want their pleasure taken into account and they are tired of being rushed.

3. Vagina's want their “no” to be heard. Vagina's hold stories of sexual trauma for a very long time and need lots of support to heal. They don't want to be rushed.

4. Vagina's want attention paid to their climate whether it is ovulation, menstruation, peri-menopause, or menopause climate shifts, they want to be cared for and heard when the weather changes.

5. Vagina's want to be told that they are beautiful.

6. Vagina's will shut down and numb out if they are ignored.

7. If Vagina's are ignored long enough they will get furious and can begin to hurt.

8. Vagina's want to be asked.

Vagina's are resilient and they want to feel connected to their woman. Our job as women is to create the time to do just that. It's simple really. Create a space where you can be quiet. Begin to tune into your body by noticing your breath. Close your eyes and put one hand on your genitals and one hand on your heart. You can rock, or cup and move arousal energy or not. The most important thing is the connection. Try to tune into this incredible space between your legs and ask your vagina a question such as “How are you feeling?” and see what she says.

It can be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Would you like support?

Please request a free consultation by emailing at Pamela@backtothebody.org

Join Pamela for a special workshop just for women all about connecting to our vaginas. This workshop is clothing on. Learn more here about the June 11th workshop in NYC.

Check out our retreats at Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women

Check out my meditation. It may be a great way for you to get started.

Consider a VIP Day with Pamela.

Relentless

Recently one of my clients called me "Relentless" as I held on to her ankles (virtually through Skype) as she struggled to make a big decision about moving forward in her journey.  She was scared of making the leap from thinking to doing. I’m experienced in that  and I was hanging in there to support her in her leap into open and integrated sexuality without life-threatening injuries. I wanted her courage so badly for her because I got exactly where she was in her life and I knew what was possible. I wanted that so badly for her that I was willing to be "Relentless".

I know how painful the body-less life can be because I spent so many years as a head. I was a beautiful head, but I was just a head.

The truth is there’s a better than even chance we’re more alike than not.

Dark hungers and darker fantasies? Got ‘em. Feeling weird even admitting them? Been there. Worried about feeling like a freak? Well, I survived those moments, too, and I’m here to tell you there’s nothing freakish about it.

The ultimate goal is to  free all of that up, and reconnect the body with your brain.

I not only teaching women to recognize arousal, help them look at it without shame and take progressive steps to begin the work of self-acceptance and embodiment.  I lead women on an exploration of their own true natures and helps them use sensual pleasure to heal the typical array of issues that afflict most of us. I mean everything from body dysmorphia, eating disorders, erratic sexual desire and general crankiness.

I connect them with resources and opportunities to take it even further.

I encourage women to tune into their bodies and sensations with "sex games" that they can play on their own in private or with a partner.  I show women through my own adventures, that it’s a fun trip worth taking.  

I get it. What I preach and teach defies easy categorization. I blend my education, personal experiences and share real life vignettes that can take women out of the world of sex how to books to a brand new relationship with their bodies and the world.

My purpose in the world is to leave breadcrumbs for women to follow on their own road to sexual wholeness. What I teach, embody, and cheer lead is unique to me.

I’ve spent thousands of dollars on unconventional sex ed--from countless sacred sexuality workshops to private sessions with sexual healers. My underground education ignited such liberating changes in the rest of my life, that I couldn't keep all of this a secret. My job is now to responsibly show other women what is possible when they let go and look at their sexuality in a brand new light.  

When women take a bite out of my offerings whether it is one on one coaching, or a Back to The Body Retreat, a VIP Day, Private Retreat or even just reading my book Shameless; I am offering women the insight and skills to love themselves just as they are. I want to help women shed the fear of their own desire and to be open to pleasure, things we’re not conditioned to do.

It's not about quid pro quos, no have-tos, no 365 positions to memorize to please your partner and get off. What I believe in is  the antithesis of the orgasm Olympics book. This is a one-of-a-kind work devoted to the concept of sensual pleasure as a transformational, healing tool.  

I know that denying desire comes at a cost to everyone –our partners, our families, even our career peers. I also know that losing the shackles of sexual shame, unabashedly grabbing erotic pleasure with both hands and integrating the sexual self can make any woman happier in the body she’s in.  No raw foods, fiber drinks, exercise programs or cleanses. And who in their right mind doesn’t want to be a happier woman?  Or be around one? Just ask my husband.

My desire is to safely shepherd women into the wilds of desire and throw open the door on the vast universe of diverse pleasures.  With empathy and a wink that can only come from someone who’s walked in their Birkenstocks (and traded them in for thigh-high leather boots), I’ll show each woman who comes across my path how to befriend her body, unearth her erotic self and welcome her in. It’s possible to have true pleasure in all spheres of their lives.

People seem to be starving for my particular brand of good-natured, open sexual plain speaking. Right now, it’s hard to find information that goes past the superficial without plunging right into scary. Women excited by the idea of sensual spanking, for instance, may find a beginner’s piece or two. But further investigation often takes them on a hair-pin turn directly to a dungeon and a flogging post. Too much, too fast and too alarming for a novice.  By contrast, I offer them ways to express their desires one safe step at a time. I gleefully and sensibly fill the yawning information gap.

I’m willing to take controversial stands. I propose that extended pleasure and the Organic Orgasm are more intriguing than female ejaculation and the g spot. I suggest that we’re so performance driven that we’re all suffering, needlessly, from orgasm anxiety. 

Here's what true. We all have our season of sexual discontent. We all have those seasons and they’re unpredictable. It’s a bit like climate change. For some the wintry itch erupts between boyfriends. For others there’s chill that hits in the middle of a pre-nup negotiation. Some get triggered during a marriage, after the kids have grown, post- divorce, the onset of peri-menopause and beyond.  

Basically, women struggle with this all the time. Why? The answer is complex but it boils down to the fact that our sexuality has been severed from the rest of who we are. That vital life force has been sanitized, shrink-wrapped and buried like pirate’s booty. Instead of the bracing zest of feminine erotic desire, we watch the Photo Shopped blemish-free girls get to play. They’re the entitled ones. They don’t look anything like most of us do when we catch our own reflections. The message? We, the ordinary mortals, aren’t deserving of pleasure. Not unless we lose weight, get that job or finish that project. Pleasure is constantly receding on the horizon of our own self-loathing. Self-denial is epidemic.

I am relentless about breaking this down. And I will hand Sleeping Beauty her first Red Bull.  And I don't mind if you call me "Relentless".

Will I Be Safe? Exploring Hands on Sexual Healing

I talk to literally hundreds of women that are exploring cutting edge humanistic sex therapy, somatic sex education or more simply stated - hands on sexual healing and exploration. The number one question is "Will I be safe?". That's the most complicated question to answer, because there isn't a straight forward response! What does being safe mean to you? Of course you will not be harmed in any kind of physical or emotional way. That is the hope whenever we see a professional holistic practitioner that we trust with our care. But safe? A part of me wants to answer..."Of course not! And isn't that the point?" Is that why you are truly showing up? Or are you showing up to push your boundaries and comfort zones? To feel things that you have only read about in books? To explore and heal places that perhaps you could not get to through pills, shakes, and Dr. Oz?

Going deeper into your body and mind can be really challenging. Sometimes, it can really make you feel uncomfortable because you are touching all kinds of new and old feelings. So, no, you will not be safe from any of that. Sometimes, you may feel like you want to run away. That is a challenge any time that we want more in our lives. It's about digging in, and getting terribly real with ourselves. That's what hands on therapy provides.

It's an opportunity to explore your sexuality, desires, and body image in a way that is all about you.

Step-by-stiletto step, it can feel exciting, eye opening, earnest, pleasure filled, and magical. On your journey you will be flipping the switch on your erotic engine in ways that you never thought was possible. That’s the powerhouse motor fueled by sexual energy that propels every aspect of a woman’s life--sexual pleasure, relationships (from mother-daughter to lover to her own body), education and even success in business.

Safe? Will I be safe?

Well, it all starts with you. Your body. Your humble vagina and your precious pelvis. Every woman’s got one. The problem is it’s only the rare woman who knows how to access and use its magic powers for self-transformation.

That's what hands on, somatic practice is offering. An opportunity to explore this place in yourself and learn how. The goal is to power up, rediscover or perhaps to find for the first time that hotbed of energy and harness it to unleash each woman’s full potential.

Do you want to feel integrated, powerful, sensuous and seen? Do you want to look at your sexuality through a different lens then you ever have before? What if sex is not just there for attracting men, orgasms or making babies? And what if you could have all that and the secret sauce too if you wanted it?

Naomi Wolf has taken on the subject of the vagina-heart-brain circuit in her inevitably controversial treatise and NY Times bestseller, “Vagina: A New Biography.” Though it’s met wild adulation and bitter criticism, the message is compelling. When the circuit, a dopamine-oxytocin-opiate loop in physiological terms, is intact and uninterrupted, women are in a state of genuine well-being: capable, confident and sexy. When that loop is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused women numb out. They get depressed, anxious, have low libido and dare I say it, suffer “hysteria.” While Wolf’s analysis may be bitterly contested by some, her understanding and defense of the genital-brain connection is one that we've studied and established empirically.

What she didn’t explain in any great detail is how to acknowledge and complete that circuit so that we women are steadily charged, activated, open to and ready for life. That’s what this is all about.

Will you be safe? Is perhaps forever changed safe?

Yes....you will be safe in the deepest sense of the world. And you will also be busted open, and alive like you have never been in your entire life.

Do you want to know more? Contact me for a free "Curious Critter" session. Just send an email to Pamela@beingshameless.com and put "Curious Critter" in the subject line!

Learning To Trust Your Own Vagina

I am deep in the world of vaginas.  I am watching "Hysteria", reading Naomi Wolf's new book, "Vagina: New A Biography", and busy planning the details for"Back to The Body: A Sensuous Retreat For Women". I went to sleep literally holding mine in my hand, and lulling myself to sleep. My vagina gives me comfort, pleasure, and is literally the biggest tool in my tool chest for my own continued transformation. I want that for all women.

It makes me so sad that many women don't trust their own vaginas. We have so much fear about them, and create a world of Grimm Fairy tales around them.  We worry that we smell funny. That we won't orgasm, or lubricate enough, or that our vulva is funny looking. We worry that our vagina will take too long to give us pleasure and that our lovers will get bored or tired.

Most of the healing and relationship building I have done with my own vagina has been through vulva massage and through talking about vaginas in the company of other women. Most heterosexual women have never seen another woman's vulva. We have no idea of the different shapes, colors and textures. Many men know more about vaginas than women because they actually get to see them, and touch them.

Most women are left alone, in isolation with our vagina for our entire life. We don't even have words we are comfortable with to name our vagina, and way too many women cannot name the landscape of their own vulva. Let's face it. Nobody talks about their own vagina. Women talk tons about their relationships with men, but when was the last time (if you own a vagina) that you talked about your vagina?

I believe that women need way more touch on their vaginas then they are currently getting. I am not necessarily talking about love making. I am talking about vulva,clitoral, vaginal and g spot massage. Women can learn to do this for themselves, and it is absolutely awakening to us, to simply be able to lie back and receive this. It can bring you into a place of transcendence. It will open you up to parts of yourself that you didn't know existed. Emotional weather will come in like a tornado, and leave you in sunshine. You may cry, scream or laugh. You may have an orgasm, or you may not. The more you receive genital massage the deeper you will go. You will wake up in ways you cannot even imagine. And once you wake up your vagina - you will touch your own beloved, and she will never leave you. You might even lull yourself to sleep, gently holding her.

The feminine spirit lives there, and we need to teach women how to access it. Why don't we teach girls about vaginas and the emotional powerhouse that is stored in them? That is the endless question, that there are way too many answers too. But we can take control now, and teach ourselves. It is never too late to access the power of your own vagina and learn to trust her. One tool, might be to listen to "Self, Love and Sexuality" my meditation created to take you inside your own vagina.

Your vagina is beautiful, desirable, and can help you release the creative potential that you hold inside of yourself.  If you want help in your explorations, please reach out.

Loving you from here,

Pamela