Fifty Shades of Relationship: 8 Tips on Keeping it Hot and Together

I'm not just a sex expert, I've been"happily enough" married for 30 years. That's no small achievement and I'm happy to wear the merit badge. I also live an out of the box life erotically  and support others to evolve their own sexuality on their own and in their long term romantic relationships.  Recently, someone called me a "Marriage Whisperer" but we don't have to whisper. Let's face it, after you say "I do", you evolve.  If you don't evolve in your own life, you dry up and emotionally deaden. A sexual numbness can creep in like the fog on a San Francisco morning.  How can a person who is living an evolutionarily life expect their relationship to stay the same? Marriages, romantic relationships and live in partnerships need to shift and transform too other wise they fracture and die. I think that's the biggest reason for the  high split up rate in the United States.  Somehow, we think that if our relationship can't stay as it was when we agreed to "Happily ever after" that it's broken and it's time to move on.  Here's the thing, most likely you will confront the same issues again and again.

So how do you evolve and keep it hot and sexy in a relationship, marriage or long term partnership?

1. Commit to owning your own sexuality.  Have you really thought about what you want erotically in your own life? Do you have it? What has changed for you since you entered your relationship? It's crucial to do your own work. I have worked with countless women who have told me that they have never had an orgasm alone or with their partner.  Believe it or not, learning to access your shifting sexuality is often work best done at first without your partner!  Our sexual persona can sometimes get trapped in our relationship dynamics. Separating who you are sexually from how you engage with your partner is often the first crucial step.

2. Practice being sexual.  That's right, go flaunt yourself.  Wear clothing that makes you feel sexy.  Walk like you mean it. Go dancing. Read sexy books.  Touch your own body.  Change your look.

3.  Confront the fact that you might be sexually bored.  Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reason's relationships fail. Perhaps it's time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let's be clear, I'm talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!). It may be time for a "SexPloration Vacation".   Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together?  Or planned a private couple's sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here's the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant or caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that - most of us never learn to play erotically.  Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationship.  Trust me, you're not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money.  It's so worth it.

4. Compliment your partner.  When was the last time you told your partner that they did a great job giving you pleasure? Kindness and encouragement go a long way.

5.  When was the last time you brought something new to bed? That's right; I am talking sex toys. Take your partner on a desire tour. Plan a date around inviting something new and sexy into your relationship. There are so many new and exciting sex toys on the market. Grown ups like new toys too; buy one!

6.  Get real. When was the last time you and your partner actually talked about your sex life? Do it.

7.  It's only kinky the first time! What about sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner? This tip goes well with tip number 6.  And don't get discouraged if your first "kinky" experiment doesn't go well. Try again. We need to practice being sexual and trying new things! And consider doing something different that is just for your partner. Maybe you are not "into" being tied up but it doesn't freak you out and it really turns on your partner.  Maybe be willing to try it on for your partner if it is "neutral" for you.  Sometimes our kinks don't line up but they don't repulse us either.  Being able to offer your partner their sexual fantasy can be a great big turn on and can create an opening in your sexual relationship.

8.  Let the other person win the fight!  You don't always have to be right.  You know the expression: "Do you want to be happy or right?" Sometimes, it's worth it to let go of being right in favor of being sexy together.

The Orgasmic Edge: A Sex Tip of Exquisite Pleasure and Torment

I was introduced to what is known as "Edging", "Peaking, Surfing, or even "Orgasm Control" in my training as a sex educator.  And I have to admit that it is one of my favorite pleasures. I love to introduce sexual technique to women at Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women couples in private retreats, workshops and coaching sessions.  Frankly, I personally enjoy surfing it's pleasures and exquisite torment.  It is my favorite dish! Extended Orgasm is a sexual technique which may be practiced either alone or with a partner and involves the keeping the recipient of the pleasure in a high level of erotic arousal for an extended period of time while not letting them climax or orgasm. This can go on for a period of minutes or hours or even days!

When the choice is made to allow the recipient to climax or orgasm the physical sensations may be much more explosive, expanded and frankly more pleasurable than if the orgasm were experienced with it's usually build up and release. But there is much pleasure in the play!

Some people have described the experience of being kept in heightened states of arousal for long periods of time as producing euphoric states and altered streams of consciousness like "Erotic Trance".  Orgasm control prolongs our pleasure and heightens the experience of sexual sensations  that occur during the final build-up to orgasm. It's a powerful experience for both the giver and the receiver whether you are "in control" of your partners climax or if you are the one delaying your own release.

Orgasm Edging Tips:

1.  If you are going to share this with a partner, I would start with full body touch, almost like giving a massage. "The Giver"  gradually move towards the genitals and would stimulate "The Receiver" with hands, fingers, sex toys, gradually bringing them up to the point high in the plateau phase of sexual response where an orgasm is actually building. Then "The Giver" would gradually move away from the genitals and move the energy to other parts of the body or simply  reduce the level of stimulation to just below that needed to set off the climax or orgasm.

2. Another way of playing with this is to give control of the orgasm to "The Giver" and play with something called "Orgasm Denial". With this lovely game,  orgasm is not allowed for even longer periods of time in order to develop an increased level of sexual tension. Remember that "Orgasm Games" can take some practice. Both the giver and the receiver have to really get to know each others responses. But by carefully varying the intensity, depth, techniques and speed of stimulation and lots of practice a "receiver" can be held in the highly aroused state near orgasm for an extraordinarily long time.  When the orgasm or climax is "allowed" it can be described as "earth shaking" or even "overwhelming".

3. You can even bring in elements of "Fifty Shades of Grey" if you choose to experiment that way. Some people enjoy creating an additional layer of power elements into this game and the person who is receiving the extended pleasure, or denial is called the "Submissive" can be even be put into restraints and or blindfolds for an added rush of not being in control.  The technical term for this game is "Tie and Tease" or "Tie and Deny".

4. You can play alone! Orgasm control is a way to be more creative with solo touch practices and can also be a great training ground for our own personal orgasmic responses. Masturbation or "Self Pleasuring" allows each of us to learn our own orgasmic response and practice having control over timing, the kind of touch we enjoy, speed of stimulation and our feelings in getting close to orgasm and then backing off and starting again. The term "edging" has been more closely associated with the solo practice where we experiment with stimulation until we reach that place right before climax happens (the plateau phase) and then we just stop or back off the stimulation just before orgasm occurs.

Self Pleasuring is a great training ground for people who want to play this game with a partner because you are in control of  your own intensity and don't have to rely on a partner to "guess" where you are in the game.  Playing alone is also a wonderful way not only to vary self pleasuring but it's also an easy way to learn your own capacity and limits in edging.

Playing with Orgasm Control or Extended Orgasm or any of the variations of these games are all about making every stroke count. This is all about heightening pleasure. When we play with our arousal we are not just trying to "get off". We are turning orgasm into a feast instead of something to get done. Arousal can become an unexplored lands of moans, groans, giggles, laughter, power play, and ecstatic trance states. It's a beautiful way to build communication and a sense of playfulness between partners and interesting enough when "The Giver" learns to spread the arousal and sensation all over "The Receivers" body there is a learning that our erotic response is not just held in our genitals. It can be found in all the parts of our bodies like soles of feet, nipples. lips, and arm pits in equal parts! My invitation to you is to explore your orgasm! It can be more than something to get done. It can be a surf board to ride!

Sexual Arousal Can Fuel "Creative Eroticism"

I believe that sexual arousal, passion and anticipation energy when nurtured, allowed and channeled fuels more than genital orgasm: it fuels a creative orgasm. Sexual arousal is the "Super Power" that so many of us are simply not tapping which I like to call "Creative Eroticism". Some people call "sexual arousal" erotic charge. And that's certainly not wrong. But I think it helps if we can identify that this feeling originates from our genitals and can enliven not just adult intimate interactions, but also artistic endeavors like painting, cooking, writing, acting, gardening and even creative and business partnerships.

Do I have any research to back up my claims? We can certainly look at the documentation of the very strong and active sex lives of  many geniuses, creators, leaders and entrepreneurs of the past and present.  There seem to be a very strong connection between living a life of creation and living a life filled with sexual energy.  This is also why many  people choose to work with people who they are attracted.

Lovers who work together report that they often feel more creatively alive and productive because there is an "arousal charge" that feeds their creative energy; this is "Creative Eroticism".  Almost everyone I encounter, knows someone who met their lover at work, or works with their lover.

I am not alone in my thinking either. More and more, sex educators are correlating our ability to feel sexually alive (arousal) with our ability to earn money. People in love create legendary works of creative expression in all of it's various forms.

This is what I know to be true in my own life; when I am erotically attracted to someone I have the energy and passion of ten women half my age. My brain fills with ideas that I can hardly wait to implement. I work faster, harder and happier.  And I know from the hundreds of women that I coach and attend my retreats ,that when they learn how to turn this engine on for themselves and flood their body with arousal that they are having the same results as a "Crush" or new relationship.

Sexual Energy more clearly defined as "Arousal Energy" and our "Creative Energy" are so strongly linked that they impact each other profoundly. Have you noticed that when you not moving your  sexual energy at all and feel disconnected from your body that your zest for life goes down?

There is an interesting mix of neuro-chemistry that goes when we wake up our arousal and when we learn how to harness,  channel and let it go - our inspiration rises in extraordinary ways.

Here are some ideas on how you can wake up your sexual energy to help channel it toward your own creative expression:

1.  Get back in touch with your body. It's literally your portal to creativity, abundance and pleasure. No matter what you think is "wrong" with your body it wants craves touch and love. You do not have to depend on your partner if you have one. You can touch yourself, get a massage, or work with a practitioner.

2. Build a Pleasure Plan. Having a plan of dependable pleasure in your life will build anticipation in your life. And anticipation builds arousal which leads to creativity and happiness! Our arousal loves to be stoked with anticipation and and yearning for what is to come. This is not magic, you can create this in your life!

3. If you can find somebody to "Crush" on; have at it. Crushes do not have to be fulfilled. And sometimes, they are best left as "muses". But a muse or "crush" can certainly raise our arousal levels! How many love songs have been written for unrequited love?

Accessing "Creative Eroticism" in your life is something you have complete control of . Sometimes it floods in with a new lover, or muse - but most of the time we have to bring it to ourselves.  Learning how to have bring it, channel it and access it is not rocket science. It just takes a little commitment and a desire for more.

Tips for Bringing "The Playful" Back Into "The Sexual"

Sometimes even sex educators can really caught up in our own brains.  We think, and we write, and we talk about sex a lot.  And frankly, sometimes we talk the sexy and the pleasure right out of sex!  And if you are like most people, you want to get out of your brains just for a little while, and you want to get into your bodies. You are yearning to laugh and to play. And you just can't remember the last time that you played with your sexuality.  When was the last time you did something different? Some people even put their noses up in the air and make groaning sounds at the very thought of being sexual with their partners or with even with their own bodies.

To truly experience what it is to have sexual freedom, we need to cultivate our erotic imagination.  For each of us, our sexual freedom and playfulness lies in our ability and willingness to create a sexuality of our very own. Forget normal.  In truth, what works for doctors and some psychotherapists putting the human experiences into boxes of normal and not normal does not always serve us when it comes to sexuality.

What if we were each invited to view our sexuality as a work of art, and I handed you a blank canvas that was the size of the biggest wall you had ever seen, and an endless supply of colorful paints, pencils and markers. What if I invited you to fill this tremendous blank canvas with your erotic desires? What if you felt truly free enough to create your very own sexuality without shame, judgement or inhibitions? What if I invited you to play in your sexuality?

The human erotic imagination may be one of the golden keys to having an extraordinary sex life.  So many of us are raised with a spoken and unspoken understanding of what is allowable when it comes to having sex.  We are raised with this idea of what is "normal' and "approved" and what is not.  Quite literally,  for many of us our erotic imagination get's shut down and we are left with a very short list of what is allowable for us in our expression of sexuality. Everything else is somehow made "taboo" or "dirty" or "not normal".

That leaves us with either filled with shame over desires that we may think are wrong, or we simply become numbed out to the possibilities.

For others, we may simply have not explored how to cultivate our erotic imagination.  So what makes up our erotic imagination? What are some tools to free up and explore our erotic imagination:

• Sexual fantasy is a great starting ground.  Allowing ourselves to travel freely in our own mind and explore without shame or putting any labels of judgement around our sexual fantasies.
• Reading erotica and romance novels can be a great place to put your erotic flint to stone.
• Wandering through a sex toy shop can also be a great place to cultivate your erotic imagination. Walk around and handle the toys. Often there are books and videos to explore as well.
• Explore the idea of sexuality being playful.  When we play we are free to get things wrong, experiment, try on different roles, laugh and even be foolish. What if we looked at sexuality as play?
• Put on costumes.  And this idea is not just limited to women.  Erotic lingerie can be a wonderful tool to assist our erotic imaginations. I know men who put on superman boxer shorts to get into the mood.  Are they exploring their erotic imagination? I think so.
• We can all cultivate our own erotic imagination and create a sexuality of our very own.  Let go of "normal" and invite in exploration and play.  The possibilities for sexual expression is as vast and limitless as the human mind. Come play.

Let's see if I can conjure up some a  few more ideas for bringing the playful back into your sexual.

Let's get started:

1. For couples for who bored, feel like there is nothing new to do with each other and are stuck in a rut. Here is my all time favorite game. I call it, "What's in Your Basket?"  This is a couple's game. Go into a sex toy store...or go on line and each person gets half an hour to put toys in their basket. Sometimes, "Showing" our desires and fantasies is SO much less scary than "Telling".

The couple meets up and they get to look into each others baskets. Oh la la!  I bet you will find things in each others basket that you had no idea they were interested in. Remember that when your beloved brings you their basket, they are bringing you an incredibly intimate and vulnerable part of themselves. Please receive the basket with as much love, and kindness as possible. You may be truly surprised and delighted by what is in the basket, and you might be blown away too! That's great!

Now, each person gets to pick three things from the other person's basket that they are willing to explore. This is where "Consent" and "Boundaries" come in. When you pick the items in your partner's basket you are only consenting to exploring the toy or fantasies that the toy represents. You are not consenting to do it. You are consenting to explore it. Talk about it and then decide how much you want to play. And you just might be a "Hell Yes"!  And you might be a "Maybe".  It's also really acceptable to be a "No".  The hope is that you can find three items in each others baskets that you can be either a "Hell Yes" or a "Maybe" too.

It's a great way to begin the conversation of "what turns my partner on" as well as opening new playful doors for the two of you to explore. And it's fun! Amazing openings and play has happened with this delicious heart opening game.  Enjoy the conversations and experiences. Go to dinner after and then go home to slowly explore and savor the play that will unfold.

2. For all of us: Do you have a secret sexual alter ego?  You now, the sexual person you might want to be if you didn't have any rules around who you had to be in your real life as a sexual being? Have you ever spent time with your sexual alter ego? Playing on line with your secret sexual alter ego can be a lot of fun. Some people write blogs, develop Facebook pages, join sexy on line communities such as "FetLife" in order to explore and play with their secret sexual altar ego.  It's called having a "Scene Name". Some people even going out and  buying clothing for this part of themselves, and will go out in cities or areas of their town where they are not known, and enjoy  being seen in this part of themselves that they normally wouldn't allow anyone to see them.  This can be a lot of fun and very playful.  This can also be a way of "Trying On" parts of yourself.

3. Do something really different. There are so many different kinds of retreats, trips, meet ups, and centers for sex positive explorations. Sex stores in your community may be running workshops. Go. Getting out and explore some of your edges.  They are waiting for you.

The Healing and Rejuvenation Magic in Sexual Arousal

Female sexual arousal as a tool of health and creation in women is one of the most understudied parts of a woman's mental and physical health care.  A big part of the problem is that there is simply no funding for it.  Science is mostly funded by the Pharmaceutical Industry which is very interested in "finding cures" through medication.  As a result, most research in sexuality is funded around pain not the benefits of pleasure. But if we look closely at the pain research that is being done around sexual arousal we can find scientific validation that pleasure heals, and sexually arousal is a healing tool.

In a recent study on the benefits of sexual arousal and orgasm for treating pain by Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, a distinguished service professor at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, he found that orgasm releases a hormone that helps raise your pain threshold.

Dr. Komisaruk also found that stimulation without orgasm can also provide the same benefits. “We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache.”

Pleasure heals.  And I believe that the state of arousal may actually be the secret source of every woman’s power. If it wasn't; why would our genitals be the first thing that is attacked when society wants to subdue women? Throughout history, women have been severed, often  from their sexual energy, preventing them from using it for anything other than the service of men. When the circuit is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused, women numb out.  It's our genitals that are mutilated, our bodies that are raped so that we are so traumatized that we lose our power, and it is our sexuality that is even sometimes put under garments to cover all of us and make us invisible even to ourselves.

Learning to access and use arousal is the beginning of becoming whole

Arousal is the ignition switch of the female erotic engine, that potent driver of sexual energy that is life force itself. Is it any wonder that arousal heals?

It's time for a new understanding of  female sexuality. It stops being about merely the orgasm, the lover, the marriage or the commodity for sale.  It's about teaching women how core female sexuality is the fuel that lights up a woman from within.

When she’s in an aroused state, when the erotic engine is humming, mind and body collude to give her that instantly recognizable and enviable show-stopping ability. Think Cleopatra or Michelle Obama. Marital status, age, sexual preference, body size or health issues just don’t matter. This is for all women. When women learn how to tap into and access their arousal they rediscover or perhaps find for the first time that hotbed of energy to unleash each woman’s full potential.

When we stimulate the vagina (and yes, I mean all of the parts) we stimulate the production of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for sexual arousal. In an aroused state our senses are heightened, we are more focused, flushed with creative energy, self- confidence, highly motivated and just plain sexy.

We tend to race past this fertile and delicious state in hot pursuit of the orgasm. The “Big O” is something that we’ve been brainwashed to think is the only successful outcome every time we go near our genitals. In the mad dash to climax, we get gypped of a free,  organic state that doesn’t require anything other than giving your vagina attention.

The uniquely female life force, turned back on itself shorts out the vagina-heart-brain circuit. With the wires fried, women often find themselves disconnected from their own desires on the most basic of levels. Some women make themselves sexually invisible, consoling themselves with addictions (shopping, food, alcohol), or tumble into depression and anxiety. Many of these women are leaders in so many parts of their lives. CEOs to Supermoms, it doesn’t matter. When this circuit disrupts, the breakdown is often private and unseen to the casual observer. Too many women are still faking it on the deepest of levels when it comes to their relationship with their bodies. They cover up numbness and fear often with either compliance or anger.

So while the primary focus in accessing arousal is not about how to have great sex, you will. As one of my coaching clients said: “My boyfriend has not changed his techniques. Nothing looks different really from the outside, but damn – sex is hotter than it’s ever been in my life.” That’s what I am talking about.  I also believe that women who work with their arousal in an ongoing way, are on their way to find their own fountain of youth.

So how do you get started? It's really simple.  For many of us that means we need to by-pass the neo-cortex, hand-slapping, nay-saying part of the brain, and dive right into the pelvis. You need to put your attention on your genitals.

Start slow and easy, when you’re alone and there’s privacy. Wear your clothes or don’t. Whatever makes you comfortable.

In a comfortable seated position, feet firmly on the floor, cup your vulva, palm up, from the front with your fingertips pointing back.

With eyes closed, start rocking your pelvis back and forth.

Focus your attention on the sensations generated by your vulva filling your hand , your muscles clenching and releasing, your pelvis rocking

If you’re feeling adventurous, throw in some Kegels, squeezing and releasing your pelvic floor.

As your awareness of sensation increases–and it will– let yourself move and lean into the rock.

KEEP BREATHING

When you feel heat rising, when you start to feel pleasure, you’ve arrived in that juicy activated known as arousal. And you’ve done it without any of the usual agendas — no imperative to reach orgasm, pleasing a partner or satisfying a fantasy. This simple exercise can begin your journey of connection to your own body. It can mark the end of numbness. It can even heal.

One of my clients, we will call her Sarah, was so disconnected from erotic engine that she couldn’t identify pleasure in any parts of her life. She was sexually non functional, depressed and on heavy medication. She kept telling me that she couldn’t feel her genitals, that there was no pleasure there at all. So fully clothed, (we were working through video Skype) I asked her to cup her vulva and begin to softly rock her pelvis while learning forward . I coached her to allow her vulva fill to gentle fill her hand. We did this exercise quietly for about five minutes. When I saw that she was very relaxed and into her own body, and that her face was beginning to flush. I asked her is she could feel anything?

Sarah opened her eyes and tears begin to flow. ” I feel heat. I can feel my body!”

It was as simple as having her put attention on her genitals in a way that didn’t have to lead to anything other than feeling erotic energy.

Moment of awakening. The first step in getting the engine cranked and it’s so simple. It’s all about the arousal.

The Power of The Erotic

We have put the erotic in a box. Say the word erotic and many people conjure up images of partner sex, pornography and lap dances. Nothing wrong with that. But what if the erotic could be seen through a different lens. What if the erotic (sexual energy) could be harnessed to power up all aspects of your life? What if you could get in touch with the erotic as life force energy and use it not only as fuel for orgasm, but also as fuel for your creativity and every other aspect of your life? What if your erotic knowledge is also a potential inner guide, like a sensually fueled GPS navigation system that you can tune into?

Most people want to live a fully expressed life. The question always comes down to how do we get there? My belief is that you already have what you need and it is held in your body. The issue is that this inner knowledge and power has been carefully suppressed. The erotic is so powerful that throughout the ages, people have been frightened of it. We have been cultured out of our own powerful inner knowledge because once we are connected to our inner guides and have access to the erotic as life force energy - we are harder to control.  We have been  shamed into a kind of sexless submission.

If  can learn to live from inside of our bodies outward to the world, not being frightened of the power of our own erotic energy to guide us we will be able to get in touch with our deepest feelings  and let go of the numbness that afflicts so many.  Being fully empowered and connected to our bodies is an act against oppression.  It is through this inner knowledge that we can get in touch with our desires and create change not only in our lives, the lives of our families but also the world.

What we want to create in our lives begin with our ability to know our desires. The foundational step is to know your desire. When we learn to harness our own erotic engine we can dare to know our desires and to be powerful in our lives.

Change is scary and but it is only through change that we can grow.  You cannot harness someone else erotic energy for very long. You can use it to inspire yourself to find your own. But we each need to know, cultivate and access our own inner flame.

And in order to do that, you must first be willing to believe that you have it.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Workshops!

Pamela is teaching in NYC and Seattle in October and November!

Join Pamela Madsen and Monique Darling in NYC on October 12th.

Female Erotic Confidence: The Art of Being Soft and Strong in NYC.  Learn more here!

Join Pamela Madsen and Lori Berkowitz on October 26th in NYC for

Seducing Our Own Beauty: A Very Unique Play Shop for Women

Learn more here

Join Pamela Madsen in Seattle on November 21 and 22nd for "Portal into The Feminine" a mini retreat at the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture  Learn more here:

Back to the Body: Sensual Retreats for Women is Sold Out for Tuscany in September and our Core Program in Victoria, BC. We have opened Registration for February 12th through 17th. Four spots are left.  Back to the Body is limited to six women.  Learn more about Back to the Body here.

What Christian Grey Could Teach Men About Seduction

I have written a lot about what is wrong with Fifty Shades of Grey, but there are lessons in everything. Christian Grey as a leading man got as many things right as he got wrong. After all, women couldn't put this book down right? So Christian was seducing them too.  And I get it, we don't all get to be fabulously handsome billionaires. But Christian Grey could teach any man a few important tips to bring into his relationship if he is passionate around sex. What Christian Grey Would Tell You About Seduction if He Could Be Bothered:

1. Let's start with anticipation! That's about all of the deliciousness that come before you get your hands on your lover.  Yes, of course everyone knows that Foreplay is very important to a woman's sexual experience, but I'm not talk about how long you touch her breasts or how much attention you give her genitals (all good things!). I am talking about the sexy text in the middle of the afternoon. The hot request that she meet you at the bar wearing no underwear. I am talking the tenor of your voice when you tell how how much you are looking forward to stripping her slowly later on that night.  Learning to build anticipation is a skill that Christian Grey was masterful at. How can you build sexual tension in your relationship? Get her to simmer in her desire for you.

2. Let her know in her bones that she is the object of your desire. On other words; give your woman some attention! For many women, desire is the orgasm! Women want to know that they are wanted and that their lover thinks that they are sexy and beautiful. Communicate that to her: A Lot. Feeling valued is a turn on for many women. How can you show her that you value her?

3. Make sex important in your life.  Christian Grey has an entire room devoted to sex. How much space do you give sex in your life? Sex is about more penetration. Experiment with your fantasies and hers. Ask her to tell you her erotic secrets. Play games; such as asking her to bring three sexy toys or videos to your next erotic tryst! Give her a gift certificate to a sex toy shop and ask her to go shopping. This tip also build anticipation which was Tip One! How can you expand and shift up how you engage erotically with each other?  Seduction is sometimes about not know what will come next. Make sex about more than who climaxes first.

4. Dress for success! Christian Grey always looked good. When women put themselves together for a date or love making - they sweat the small stuff. How about you? I know a man who wears super hero underwear because they make him feel sexy! What are you putting on under your jeans? Dress to make yourself feel sexy and it I can almost guarantee that if you are feeling sexy - you will be sexy.

The Art of Being Sexually Selfish! A Complimentary Tele-Seminar

Join Pamela Madsen and Neal Wecker internationally known Certified Somatic Sex Educators with over 30 years of combined experience in adult sex education for a unique complimentary tele-seminar on exploring the state of sexual selfishness. Learning how to receive and be sexually selfish is essential for deep arousal especially for women. For women,their erotic excitement has to be able to break form from 'taking care of others' to a place of valuing and living their arousal.

The 'Art of Being Sexually Selfish' will explore ways for women to break through their barriers for the pleasure that they desire and deserve. The reality of the need shows up so clearly in the fantasy about being utterly taken, taken without her having to care about someone else in her experience of surrendering. Come and explore the 'Circle of Consent' and so much more.

The call will take place on Tuesday, August 26th at 5pm PT/8pm ET. After the call Pamela and Neal will stay on the line to answer questions about Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women and private sessions.

Self Register for this Complimentary Seminar Here

We hope you can join us!

Attention NYC Area Women: Join me on June 11th for The Arousal Principle and Pleasure Mapping!

NYC Area Women! Join me in person, on June 11th for some inspiration, expansion, and perhaps even a little transformation! As a sexuality and intimacy coach I place an extraordinary amount of attention on arousal (not orgasm) as life force energy. "The Arousal Principal" as I like to call it, is a way of considering this energetic state which is the noticeable rise of sensual energy in the body starting in our genitals as a doorway to fuel all of your creative activities not just the full expression of your sexuality. Arousal energy can fuel your writing, art, gardening, relationships, or any other aspect of your life including your relationship with money! And like anything else, you need to spend time exploring and experimenting with this state in your own life to see it's unique potential for you.

Many people describe the feeling as heat, warming, or tingling. A great way to start is to begin to use this delicious state to fuel your meditation practice as well as considering this energetic state as a place to explore your sexual nature on your way to deepened your relationship with your own fully expressed erotic creature.

During this three hour workshop, we will explore female arousal energy in meditation practice, and then create our own "Pleasure Plan" through Pleasure and Sexuality Mapping. You will be creating a map to take home with you.

Buy tickets and get more information here!!!! I hope to see you soon.

http://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-arousal-principle-and-pleasure-mapping-tickets-11734679743

A Peek Inside a Private Sexological Body Work Session

This morning, my client "Amy" met me for coffee and to check in before her final session Sexological Body Work session with my colleague Ron Stewart, Co-Founder of Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, before she flew back to Florida. She read me her journal entries, and I was not only blown away by her sharing, but how amazing she looked. I asked her how she was feeling, and she said: "Whole, Satiated, Centered and at Peace". Ron and I have been in the NYC area running workshops and working privately with women, men and couples who are on their own journey back to their bodies.  Amy is one of the women who flew in from various parts of the country to work with us. I would describe her as lovely, fiercely independent, and in her forties. She is single and in transition in her relationship.

I got to know Amy after she decided to do one on one coaching with me through video skype. When the opportunity presented itself to do hands on work, she took the plunge and jumped in. She choose to do three sessions with us over three days. That meant that she got an hour with me to talk about it all, process, and then spend time with Ron having a traditional Sexological Body Work Session. We also shared a few meals together, and did a little sex toy shopping.

With her permission, here are a few excerpts from her journal and a follow up coaching session with me. Amy allowed me to share all of this because she wanted to support other women to take the leap, and change their lives.

"So I traveled to NYC today to start this mini-retreat to explore my sexuality. There is a part of me that thinks this is crazy and wondering what I’m doing. And although I’m a bit excited I can’t lie and say that I’m not having second thoughts right now. As it nears the time and VERY nervous and a bit anxious but I know that this is about me and being open to the experience so I go with it.

Meeting with Pam was good, centered me a bit before meeting with Ron and going into the hands on portion of my time. I’m guessing it’s because I’ve had massages before but I’m amazed at how easily I strip before Ron and get on the table.

The experience is amazing, Ron was really good at reading my body. He started with an extended massage which was perfect. I got comfortable with his touch and the idea of what we’re doing. I had my first orgasm and it was amazing. I experienced sensations I had never felt before and it was pretty spectacular. I told Pam and Ron that this was the first time I wasn’t self conscious about my body, perhaps it was because there is no relationship between Ron and I - not sure but it definitely allowed me to let go. I am hoping that I can carry that level of self confidence in my other sexual experiences.

I am glad that I came.

Session Two

Today’s experience was intense… I had shared that I was interested in playing a little bit with Domination so I got to experience a taste of that! I enjoyed it! Spanking (which I also really loved), anal play (WOW!)… and a lot more g-spot stimulation than yesterday. I think I had an orgasm for like an hour… there was an extended period of time where my body just shook. It felt like the urge to shudder was coming from the inside out and I felt it down to my toes. It was amazing… it was ALMOST too much - so hard to put into words. I have never experienced anything like that before.

At the end of the session Ron remarked on how responsive my body was, and I honestly didn’t know that I was responsive. Past experiences felt good but not body shattering, it was like there was a string from my nipples to my pussy and every time they were touched everything would clench. It was really surprising to me at how much I enjoyed everything, the last little bit of time all I could do was lay there and experience my pussy clenching and my nipples peaking… just amazing.

At first I thought I would just lay down and sleep for the afternoon but all of a sudden I’m ravenous and I have a ton of energy so I’m going to go outside and explore for a bit. :) Tonight is one of the workshops. I’m hoping that it will be a good experience.

Update - after a quick trip sightseeing I came back to the hotel and was knocked out, I slept for five or six hours straight. I guess this experience impacted me even more than I thought! And I guess, I found the cure for my insomnia! Something has definitely changed though… even while I was walking around today I noticed that my hips are swinging and my confidence has grown. Amazing what an orgasm can do!

Love."

Day 3 "I was curious about how today would turn out.  Yesterday was intense it was a life changing experience for me and last night and this morning I feel that delicious soreness of a body that was well used.  I woke up this morning feeling happy, I would even venture to say that I feel joyful.  I feel like I ‘fit’ in my own skin.  I shower, do my hair throw on my tightest skinny jeans, a sweater, leather jacket and almost knee high boots and I feel sexy.  It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt this way.  I leave my hotel room to meet Pam with a smile on my face and she gives me one look and starts laughing… she says you look so happy and so pretty and I really feel it! :)

I was a bit nervous about today because I was so sore (my body simply wasn't used to all of this touch!) but Ron and I agree to start off slow and see how things go from there… after a bit Ron read my mind and brought out the Magic Wand… well there went my plan… I was soon begging for more.  Today was such a different experience from yesterday but another amazing one.  I had no idea my body was so responsive, I had no idea I could feel so deeply or intensely.  I had no idea that I could feel such pleasure where everything was centered on my breasts and my pussy to the extent that I felt pins and needles in my toes and my fingers.  How amazing is that?!  Coming out of today’s session I feel like I could run a 5k, my body feels alive, whole, centered and most importantly satiated.  Walking around on the streets of New York people are looking at me because I literally have a smile on my face.  It almost brings me to tears to know that I’m NOT broken, that I am a whole and complete woman who is just now scratching the surface in finding herself.

Pam and I have lunch and then walk to a nearby jewelry store.  I buy a beautiful piece of body jewelry… BODY JEWELRY!?  I mean so NOT like me, but putting it on I felt sexy and it’s a perfect tribute to this mini-retreat weekend.

Pam and I talked about my experience and about my decision to chose her to work with.  I told her that talking with her I felt heard, I felt validated and I felt she wouldn’t take any of my crap and I was right.  She pushed me in the right way and has helped me to start this amazing journey to find my sexuality, to understand my body and what it needs and to find myself.  I plan on attending the workshop tonight and hope to have more to tell of my story of Day 3.  In the meantime I owe so much to Pam and Ron for helping me to start this journey to finding myself."

Day 4 Heading Home

"I'm heading to JFK airport now and as I was getting ready this morning I was thinking about what I learned this weekend. 1. I learned that I'm not broken, in fact my body is extremely responsive to erotic touch. Who knew?! 2. I learned that I'm sexy and powerful in my skin. This one will take some time to get used to being comfortable with but I experienced it so I know it's there! 3. I learned that taking time for me is not selfish, it increases my capacity for love - both of myself and of others. 4. I learned that I am beautiful. 5. I learned that there is immense pleasure in being able to receive touch and equally as much pleasure being able to give touch. 6. I learned that there are men out there who are equally concerned with giving pleasure as they are receiving it.

This was an amazing discovery and I know that it is just the start of my journey. The question is really what do I do with this knowledge know and how does it change my current circumstances? Although I felt true and loving feelings for Chris is he the one for me? This morning, after some processing my instinct was no. But I know that I need to spend some time talking with him to be sure. I feel confident enough now that I can do that.

I can't thank Pam and Ron enough for this weekend. For opening my eyes and my body to my potential and for starting me on this journey to my own self discovery and wholeness. Next stop Tuscany! (I hope!)

Love."

And I can't thank Amy enough for showing up so fully and then allowing us to take a peek!

What is a Turned On Woman?

There is a lot of talk about being a "Turned On" woman. But what exactly is that? To me, it's a woman who has figured out that sex is learning how to be a courtesan for herself first.

It's about taking the time to look inside at that magical, mystical place in our own bodies.

Once we figure out how to do that, a turned on woman will develop a deeper connection to her own sexual engine and be able to take that power source out into the world for the good of her family, friends, and community.

Now that's hot. That's turned on.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

PS. Are you standing on the side lines? Do you want some ideas, or a yellow brick road to step onto?

Sometimes you just need to be willing to do something different and bold to begin to turn on, change your perspective or reboot your engine. Come on! It's Spring! Here are some ideas and resources:

1.  Ron Stewart (http://www.skyclad.ca/) and I are running workshops and offering private sessions on the East Coast from Monday, April 22nd through May 5th.  You can find information about the workshop in Philadelphia here on Wednesday, April 23 in Bryn Mawr at 7pm 

Ron and are are offering private sessions for singles and couple on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in the area in the Bryn Mawr area and NJ. Please contact me for more details at Pamela@backtothebody.org

On Friday, April 25th we are in NYC (SoHo) where we will be offering two workshops on Saturday evening at 6:30 until 9:30pm and and Sunday evening from 6:30 to 9:30pm. The workshops are open to all. You can find the complete information on the workshops here. 

Come as a way to connect back to yourself, play, and feel sexy! These workshops are clothing on. You don't need a partner, and you can bring one!

2. Ron and I are offering private sessions from Monday April 18th through May 5th in the NYC area. If you are interested in a private session for yourself or as a couple please email me as soon as possible to discuss - we are booking up but we still have time availability to make this happen for you and take you off the side lines! Women are literally flying in from all over the country to join us in NYC. Are you local? What's stopping you? Call me. Let's move that obstacle! We are creating VIP Days for women to have the exclusive full attention of Ron and myself from 10 to 7pm! Curious? Email me at Pamela@backtothebody.org

3. Have you listened to my CD yet? "Shameless Sex, Self and Love Meditation?" It might be a great start for you! You can find it here.

4. Have you read my book yet? "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner?" You can find it here.

5. Have you ever considered attending one of our retreats? Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women has openings for our July and Tuscany Retreat in late September.

6. Just want to talk with me? Consider a free consult. We have so many ways to step off the side lines and live your life as a woman in full. Just send an email at Pamela@backtothebody.org

Join Pamela Madsen and Ron Stewart in NYC for Two Fabulous Workshops On April 26th and 27th in NYC

On April 26th at 6:30pm Join internationally known sex educators, Pamela Madsen and Ron Stewart for an evening of movement, breath and bliss.

“Exploring The Connection between Yoga (mindful movement) Meditation & our Sensual Body: An Interactive Play Shop For Conscious Adults”

This clothed workshop will take on the latest in scientific and somatic explorations in pleasure, arousal and body bliss states. The latest research has documented what many sex education pioneers already know: that states similar to orgasmic bliss can be found through meditation and mindful movement practice. By learning how to connect to these trance states through meditation and yoga, you are able to access arousal states that you can bring into your every day life and your bedroom. Yes, you can OM your way to a more delicious orgasm with yourself or with a partner.

In this workshop you will experience:

The benefits of being in aroused and enlivened states

You will experience in a safe and non erotic way, the path to stimulating the dopamine stream with or without a partner

Experience simple exercises through intention, movement and meditation to help convert arousal energy into life force action

Understand practices that will help you connect your genitals to your yoga and meditation practices.

Explore sensual energy as a part of a spiritual practice of meditation and manifestation

Learn how using these tools of enlivenment can lift veils of invisibility from our lives and improve self-image, enhance self-confidence.

Introduce an entirely new language that re frames the full erotic experience

To learn more about this idea please check out this article on Psychology Today: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shameless-woman/201203/your-brain-sex-or-meditation

Date: April 26th, 2014 Time: 6:30pm to 9:30pm Location: The workshop will be held in a studio on at 115 Wooster Street in SoHo NYC Ring buzzer Apt 2F Cost: $35.00 Reservations are required: To reserve your spot and to ask any questions please contact Pamela Madsen at 917 703 3785 or email at Pamela@backtothebody.org

Who is this workshop for? Men and Women (all gender orientations and sexual orientations). Please wear comfortable clothing as we will be moving. You do not need to know Yoga or have high levels of physical fitness in order to participate fully in this workshop. We will be doing gentle, easy movements that most people will be able to participate in. This workshop involves no nudity.

To Learn more about Pamela Madsen please visit http://www.PamelaMadsen.org/ and to learn more about Ron Stewart please visit http://skyclad.ca/

Please send me an email to register: Pamela@backtothebody.org

On April 27th at 6:30pm

Falling Into The Gap: An Exploration of Mindful Touch and The Pleasure of Surrendered Receiving

Join Internationally known Sex Educators Pamela Madsen and Ron Stewart for an extraordinary workshop on the tools of touch and embodiment. The key to a delicious sex life with your partner or with yourself is understanding how to give and receive touch. Our fingers, our eyes, and our breath are all tools for connection. This seems basic and yet most of us have never been taught these skills. It’s all suppose to come “naturally”.

This clothes on workshop invites intrepid explorers (singles and couples) of all ages, genders and sexual orientations to learn with us in a playful and non-threatening environment.

Participants will discover that both the giving and receiving of touch is not only fun and delicious, it’s also transformational and healing. Through a series of mini-lectures, demonstrations, movement, breath and touch exercises, we will open our hearts to what is possible through the power of touch.

What you will explore:

* Communication and Boundaries -. Overcome the fear of setting limits and be comfortable with your own boundaries. Explore your own “pleasure ceiling”, and challenge yourself to raise it.

* Mindful Practices - Movement, breath and meditations will be offered to help participants become present to the subtleties of giving and receiving touch.

* Touch Explorations - Through guided exercises, improve your touch skills and deepen your capacity to connect with self or partner(s).

* Receiving Pleasure - Utilizing conscious relaxation,verbal/non-verbal communication and active receiving, we will heighten our ability to become more present to pleasure.

Date: April 27th, 2014 Time: 6:30pm to 9:30pm Location: 115 Wooster Street in SoHo NYC Buzzer Apt 2F Cost: $35.00 Reservations are required: To reserve your spot and to ask any questions please contact Pamela Madsen at 917 703 3785 or email at Pamela@backtothebody.org

To learn more about Pamela Madsen, please visit http://www.PamelaMadsen.org/

To learn more about Ron Stewart Please visit

Please wear comfortable clothing. We will be doing gentle, easy movements that most people will be able to participate in. This workshop involves no nudity.

Join Internationally known Sex Educators Pamela Madsen and Ron Stewart for an extraordinary workshop on the tools of touch and embodiment. The key to a delicious sex life with your partner or with yourself is understanding how to give and receive touch. Our fingers, our eyes, and our breath are all tools for connection. This seems basic and yet most of us have never been taught these skills. It’s all suppose to come “naturally”.

Falling Into The Gap: An Exploration of Mindful Touch and The Pleasure of Surrendered Receiving

This clothes on workshop invites intrepid explorers (singles and couples) of all ages, genders and sexual orientations to learn with us in a playful and non-threatening environment.

Participants will discover that both the giving and receiving of touch is not only fun and delicious, it’s also transformational and healing. Through a series of mini-lectures, demonstrations, movement, breath and touch exercises, we will open our hearts to what is possible through the power of touch.

What you will explore:

* Communication and Boundaries -. Overcome the fear of setting limits and be comfortable with your own boundaries. Explore your own “pleasure ceiling”, and challenge yourself to raise it.

* Mindful Practices - Movement, breath and meditations will be offered to help participants become present to the subtleties of giving and receiving touch.

* Touch Explorations - Through guided exercises, improve your touch skills and deepen your capacity to connect with self or partner(s).

* Receiving Pleasure - Utilizing conscious relaxation,verbal/non-verbal communication and active receiving, we will heighten our ability to become more present to pleasure.

Date: April 27th, 2014 Time: 6:30pm to 9:30pm Location: 115 Wooster Street in SoHo NYC Buzzer Apt 2F Cost: $35.00 Reservations are required: To reserve your spot and to ask any questions please contact Pamela Madsen at 917 703 3785 or email at Pamela@backtothebody.org

Please wear comfortable clothing. We will be doing gentle, easy movements that most people will be able to participate in. This workshop involves no nudity.

Payment for both workshops will be at the door. Cash Only.

Exploring The Connection between Yoga (mindful movement) Meditation & our Sensual Body: An Interactive Play Shop For Conscious Adults

Join internationally known sex educators, Pamela Madsen and Ron Stewart for an evening of movement, breath and bliss. “Exploring The Connection between Yoga (mindful movement) Meditation & our Sensual Body: An Interactive Play Shop For Conscious Adults”

This clothed workshop will take on the latest in scientific and somatic explorations in pleasure, arousal and body bliss states. The latest research has documented what many sex education pioneers already know: that states similar to orgasmic bliss can be found through meditation and mindful movement practice. By learning how to connect to these trance states through meditation and yoga, you are able to access arousal states that you can bring into your every day life and your bedroom. Yes, you can OM your way to a more delicious orgasm with yourself or with a partner.

In this workshop you will experience:

The benefits of being in aroused and enlivened states

You will experience in a safe and non erotic way, the path to stimulating the dopamine stream with or without a partner

Experience simple exercises through intention, movement and meditation to help convert arousal energy into life force action

Understand practices that will help you connect your genitals to your yoga and meditation practices.

Explore sensual energy as a part of a spiritual practice of meditation and manifestation

Learn how using these tools of enlivenment can lift veils of invisibility from our lives and improve self-image, enhance self-confidence.

Introduce an entirely new language that re frames the full erotic experience

To learn more about this idea please check out this article on Psychology Today: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shameless-woman/201203/your-brain-sex-or-meditation

Date: April 26th, 2014 Time: 6:30pm to 9:30pm Location: The workshop will be held in a studio on at 115 Wooster Street in SoHo NYC Ring buzzer Apt 2F Cost: $35.00 Reservations are required: To reserve your spot and to ask any questions please contact Pamela Madsen at 917 703 3785 or email at Pamela@backtothebody.org

Who is this workshop for? Men and Women (all gender orientations and sexual orientations). Please wear comfortable clothing as we will be moving. You do not need to know Yoga or have high levels of physical fitness in order to participate fully in this workshop. We will be doing gentle, easy movements that most people will be able to participate in. This workshop involves no nudity.

To register via Facebook; please go here https://www.facebook.com/events/491648247607283/ or send Pamela and email with your phone number at Pamela@backtothebody.org

To Learn more about Pamela Madsen please visit http://www.PamelaMadsen.org/ and to learn more about Ron Stewart please visit http://skyclad.ca/

Kintsukuroi and The Heart/Vagina Connection

My day is often filled with speaking with women who are trying to connect to their vaginas. Some of the women that I speak with find it hard to get through the conversation without feeling physically ill. They may get a headache or an upset stomach. Some speak of an inability to feel their own vagina or any sense of aliveness in their genitals. Some are willing to make peace with this feeling, others sense that there is so much more life in their bodies and that somehow it is related to this somewhat unknown place between their legs. The feel a sense of  disconnection or brokenness.

And I keep coming back this week to this art form called Kintsukuroi.  This idea that an object can be made more beautiful after it's broken. It's value is not diminished, in fact the filling in of gold, silver or lacquer is used not only to repair, but makes the object more beautiful. What a metaphor for so much in our lives.

This is what I have learned. Our hearts can stretch to hold love, grief, devotion, and dreams. Our hearts can sacrifice, forgive and remember. And I believe that in female bodied persons, so can our vaginas.

We just have to be able to listen. And we have not been taught to listen to our own vaginas. So somehow we are getting static on this incredible line from our vaginas to our hearts and then back again to our vaginas. You see, they are wired together.

If we are feeling physical illness, numbness, and fear when we think about connecting to our own vaginas it's time to stop and listen deeply. Trust your vagina the way you trust your heart. Sometimes, we will need to practice Kintsukuroi and support the places that have worn thin with gold or silver. It just makes what we have more beautiful and more valuable.

And if your vagina is screaming at your heart to go away - listen to that too with a different ear. Why is she so scared and shut down? Perhaps it is time, to hear her pain and softly begin to coax her out of hiding. Speak to her about the practice of Kintsukuroi and tell her that you will go and get some gold, or silver.

After all, your vagina will ache for you, bleed for you, open for you and shut down to protect you. Pay attention to her. She has stories to tell you. Truths to share. She is valuable.

And sometimes, her silence is a cry for help.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Meditation and Sexuality a Newly Discovered Link

One of the first things that I teach, when I work with anyone around their sexuality is the link between sex and a clear mind. Sex requires our presence, not numbing out. The best sex requires of us that we are fully in our bodies, and alive to the possibility of sensation. or skin awareness. As we awaken away numbness we are actually able to experience the softest of touches as electric vibrations through our entire body. If you think you're erotically numb, hormonally challenged or simply "over sex", this does not have to be. Erotic numbness is reversible and it begins with reawakening our ability to feel arousal.

Arousal is a state that not only fuels our creative engines, but can be enjoyed from our genitals up through our hearts and throughout our bodies. Now, what does this have to do with meditation?

It's really difficult to feel sexual arousal if our minds are busy and our thoughts are interfering. This is where meditative states can be incredibly useful. When we can quiet the mind and connect to our genitals—we are able to feel deeply into our bodies in ways that we may never have experienced before. Sometimes, it's in these quiet genital connections that we are able to find the source of any blockages to pleasure and our relationship with our own bodies. But we have to be quiet and tuned in enough to be able to listen.

If we can learn to clear our minds and connect to our genitals this can be a path to full awakening. And when I say full awakening; I'm talking about mind, body and spirit.

I discovered all of this on my own at the feet of Dr. Deepak Chopra when I attended "Journey to Healing" and combined that experience with my knowledge as a sexuality coach that believed in somatic or through the sexual body healing.

Meditation is the perfect entry point to many profound sexual experiences. Successful meditation and successful sex all start with the same three key entry points:

1. Get comfortable.

2. Slow down.

3. Connect to the breath.

When we are able to approach sex just like we approach meditation (without rushing to go somewhere fast) we are able to touch deeply ecstatic or erotic states where we have "alterations in bodily perception" and a "diminution of self awareness" according to researcher Gemma O'Brien who studied the link between sexuality and meditation.

These shared experiences are found both in subjects deeply in meditation and in people having sexual experiences.

As I got more practiced at meditation, I was able to feel my ego dissolve along with my own general sense of self-awareness. As I floated into "the gap," the place that Deepak Chopra says is the place without words, I also noticed that I lost track of where my body was in place and time. Oh yeah, I have been in these places before and it was not in the lotus position!

Gemma O'Brien found that people meditating and having an orgasm both experience the afore mentioned "diminution of self-awareness" and "alterations in bodily perception."

According to the study, when you meditate, the left side of your brain becomes activated and when you engage in sexual activity, the right side of your brain runs the show. Both of these brain responses helps you to stop the constant thinking or talking in your brain. And herein lies the key—when you are able to stop the chatter, and float into what can be called "falling into the gap," "states of higher consciousness," "erotic trance states" or even what is known as "sub space" your brain helps you by allowing you to lose physical and mental boundaries. That is where we can find enlightenment or dare I say it—bliss.

Our busy lives takes us to a place where we live all the time in our thoughts. When we are run by our thoughts we can lose connection with our bodies. This is known as "sensory amnesia" and is a feeling of not being able to give presence to our bodies. It's possible to reclaim our bodies and our sexuality. I have seen the practice of meditation and the combination of meditative states with the addition of touch create incredible openings in the lives of women.

We can regain our own sense of our bodies and begin to shed our numbness.

What to do next?

Like this blog, leave a comment and share it!

Do You Want To Learn More?

Check our my guided sexuality meditation

Watch My Video:  The Arousal Principle

How Do You Feel Sexy?

Yesterday, was a big day for me. I did a "HuffPost Live" on meditation supporting your sex life. If you missed it; you can watch it here.

I was also brought in as a consultant to a big company that wanted insights into what made women feel good about themselves. What makes a woman feel sexy?

I think it's all about how we are able to "Pre-Heat" our own oven. But of course that begs the question; "How do we get that feeling in our own bodies and then how do we  sustain that feeling?

I love questions that ask "How?"  The honest truth is that on most days, for many women — our self image can really take a beating.

Many of us want to be seen as hot and sexy. And perhaps most of all, we want to feel like those women look in those women's magazines sipping a Margarita with knowing smoky eyes. We just know that they are about to have the most incredible experiences in the universe. Right? Maybe? Who knows but sometimes I feel confronted by them.

Seeing those images can make me feel just not enough. More than that — it is this feeling that I will never have in my life what I truly want because I don't look like that.  Heck, I got confronted with that on "HuffPost Live"!!!

There I was on my home computer with a bad computer angle while Emily the other woman being interviewed was this "glamorous" former Broadway actress! She had the make up, the perfect face and perfect body. And there I was in poor lighting not done up at all talking about feeling sexy! Wowsa!

But I sunk into my own practice and told myself just to feel it. And in the end - I did fine. But I was actually practicing on live video stream.

And it really doesn't matter how old you are, it can be really hard to look like the images of women that we are surrounded with on a daily basis. This is not news. But it's impact on women is still real.

And what is it that I want, and what many women want? It's a simple thing really...I want to be deeply desired, and feel free in my body. I want to be able to know that I am sexy from the inside out and truly believe it — all the time! I want to be able to walk around naked and not worry about my behind shaking in a bad way.  Perhaps this is simply universal. After all, I coach hundreds of women and they want it too — very badly. This is what I hear from some of my clients:

"I want to get so lost in my own wanton sexiness that orgasms flow from me like a waterfall. I don't want much — I just want to dance in my own inner sexy wildness! Is that asking for so much?"

I get it.

As I just shared, I have moments of feeling confronted with my own self loathing. It is shocking that I can still go to those places of calling myself names. After all, this true confession is being spoken by a woman who has professed to the world that I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by embracing my sexual pleasuare.

Am I a fraud — or am I simply real and honest? The fact is, that I have healed so much of the damage that I have walked around with for most of my life when it comes to my body image and my sexuality.

But everyday, when I wake up and my feet touch the ground, it takes a little bit of courage to love myself just as I am — and that is the truth. To say anything else would be to over promise healing like those 30 day miracle diets on television.

Recently in The Wall Street Journal was a great article, "Conquering Fear," which is all about those nasty little voices in our heads that tell us that we are not enough — that we are fat and stupid. That our bodies are ugly and that our boss hates us.

I know those tapes so well that I could sing along! My book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about my funny, sexy, unconventional path to falling in love with myself again in the most unbelievable way... And I did.

But on my book tour  there were all of these videos being made of me so that people can get to know me — and I get to watch them over and over again.

Every time I watch them — I get taken out of how I was "feeling" when I made those videos and I get stuck in how I believe I look. I hate my neck. My face is too round. I have a double chin in that angle. And I stop feeling sexy. Instead I get filled with self doubt and worry.

You see — I am a real woman. Isn't that reassuring? I am not going to give you pleasure platitudes and tell you that if you do this or that all of your inner fears will go away completely. They don't. But it can get better.

This is what I can promise. If you work on embracing who you are,  every single day just like a religious practice — things will change in your world.

In so many ways, it is like developing a healthy eating and exercising plan. There is a lot of self-encouragement and coaching that has to happen. I have to do it too — even now.

The voices of fear that tell us that we are not enough — or are broken in some way — don't ever really go completely away. But it gets better.

I hope that by showing up and being honest about how I feel and how I move through all of the hatefulness that I can throw at myself will inspire you to do it too. The fact is that most of the time these days — I feel smoking! I have a swagger to my step  and kick to my heels. I dress like a diva with a wink! And I still feel bad about my neck a lot.  You see — I still  have really big moments of self loathing. It's all a part of the process...

Self loving is a practice. Feeling sexy is a practice. Let's practice together.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Are You a Part of The Ten Percent?

Dear Shameless Beauty; Yesterday, I arrived in Seattle. I like to make a pit stop here and visit friends before I head to Victoria, BC. I am on my way to the February "Back to The Sensuous Retreat for Women". I got to share simple pleasures that are not so simple. Intimacy, laughter, and friendship.

Loving sacred community with all it's messiness and vulnerability. I have a soft spot in my heart for Seattle. Today is a day of 'more to come'. And it got me thinking. You see, I got to my day by sharing sharing "lotus lift meditation" with a girlfriend. What followed was a deep, sweet knowing conversation with another woman who knows what it is, and what it takes to have a relationship with one's own pussy as a life force energy.

Here's the truth ladies: having a relationship with your own pussy and through her your own erotic creature is a practice.

I am past 40, did the menopause thing, and I'm living a more sexually alive life than I ever had before.

It's all getting hotter - all the time. It's not about the hormones. I don't take any.

It's not about having socially acceptable body - I don't think I have one of those either.

It's not about so much that we are led to believe it's all about.

It's possible to have this by staying in connection with you own body which can be as simple as learning to hold your own pussy when you go to sleep at night, and wake up in the morning.

Learning to cultivate an ability to listen to and speak to your own genitals. And sometimes, that means being compassionate and bringing our genitals along to the party even when she doesn't really feel like it.

With some loving attention, our bodies can restore and come alive in ways that you cannot even imagine. I don't care where you are right now in your relationship sexuality. You can have more. I can have more. This is like our relationship with our own hearts. We can always uncover more and expand.

We just have to commit to start exactly where we are. I work with all kinds of women, and the women who commit to living a sexually alive life and are willing to practice even when they are not in the mood - are tapping into an energy in their body which is extraordinary.

I have begun to call these women "the ten percent". Because it's only about ten percent of the women who I come in contact with who are willing to truly go there, and keep going there. They are the ones who don't put stories and obstacles in their own way. The ones who think they have to lose weight first. Or figure out how to speak to their partners. Or believe that they don't have the money for this. There are so many obstacles that are really excuses for our own fear.

Perhaps it's the fear that if you try - it won't work. Perhaps it the fear that connecting to your own body will change your life. Then what?

Having a relationship with your own pussy IS huge. You are right.

And it's not only about having sex with another being. It is about how we are able to use arousal/sexual energy as a tool in our every day lives.

That's revolutionary.

Are you ready to start your own revolution? Start just where you are, and say hello to your genitals.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Are You "Performing" Sexy or "Being" Sexy?

I feel inspired to write this morning after reading a blog on Huffington Post entitled; "Are You Too Old to be Hot?" I'm just over the cusp of 50, and I'm sexy. The kind of sexy that flows out from my skin in this deep inside of me place that has a fire blazing out into the world that has nothing to do with "hot flashes".  My orgasms are bigger and over flowing (when I was younger I thought that I was too sensitive for more than one - or that my pleasure had a ceiling) into multiples of multiples.  I take up erotic space, which means that people tend to notice me when I walk into a room. And it doesn't scare me. I know that I am safe in my own body, because I trust my own ability to hold my own boundaries. Therefore, I can simply relax and enjoy the pleasure of sensual attention. Flirting is fun and a newly found sport that I love to play.

Younger men and older men flirt with me, and send out the vibes that they want me.  It's fun to feel this sexy and have my pheromones speak to the world. These feelings are playful and contribute to my own feelings of aliveness and happiness.

When I was 20, 30 and even 40 - I questioned my beauty and my sexiness. I compared myself to everyone instead of feeling who I was inside myself as a sexual being. I was thinner, firmer and probably more physically luscious at 20 than I am in my fifties.  Like most of us at a younger age - or even now - I never saw my own beauty and sexiness even though it is clearly reflected in the photographs of me.  I think that's because I was "performing sexy" not "being sexy.

And that is the key. Sexy is a feeling. And we can feel sexy at any age and in any body of any type. Really. You don't have to change on the outside to BE sexy. And what I have found, is that people who feel sexy ARE sexy at any age or body type.

What if you notice that you are "Performing" sexy instead of "Being" sexy. How do you quit the show and start actually becoming the hot sexy creature you want to be? It's a practice.  We need to practice feelings in order to get our body to begin to "be" on its own.  It's a big part of what I coach women on in my coaching practice. The ancient practices of connecting to our power source. So many women turn it off because they are told that those feelings are wrong - yet they are trained to put on all the performance attributes of sexy to attract mates. It's very confusing stuff.  Don't feel erotically hot, but look it so that you can attract a mate! Really? Really.

Now I am not posting this so you can say; "Well screw her. Goody for her! So glad for Pamela". Which you might....

I am posting this blog because I think we can all of this. I don't think I am special here.  Remember: Sexy is a feeling!

And if you are not feeling it - you can again. I totally believe that. I reclaimed my sexy at age 43 and I kept reclaiming it! I reclaim my sexy every damn day - and it only gets better!

Sexy is a practice.

So how do you get started?

Tips For Reconnecting to Sexy:

1. Start touching yourself. That's right - start touching your own genitals.  While self pleasuring is always good, I am not talking about active masturbation. I am talking about pussy holding and comforting. Pussy holding and connecting to your arousal. Watch this video on the "Arousal Principle".

2. Start looking at your obstacles to pleasure.

3. Learn to speak your desires!

4. Understanding "Anticipation" as a key to living a turned on life.

I hope that these videos and tips are helpful.

Suspending The Need To Be Certain....

This morning Danielle LaPorte inspired me with one of her "Truth Bombs" in my morning email. She wrote: "Suspending the need to be certain is an act of enlightenment." I really liked that and it got me thinking. When we suspend our need to be certain it's also an act of courage, love and faith. In the work that I do,  women (and sometimes couples) are rarely certain about whether sexuality and intimacy coaching, attending a "Back to The Body Retreat", or creating a private mini retreat for themselves or their partners is the right thing for them.  They can spend time talking with me to see if they feel comfortable and if working with me "feels right". They can talk to other women who have done this work. But in the end they have to suspend their need to be certain and just commit to trying.

It can feel crazy brave to take on your own sexuality. But what do you secretly want to happen in your own life? It sometimes, can only happen if we persuade our inhibitions and try.

Are you ready?

Let's talk. Shoot me an email from the contact form, or Pamela@backtothebody.org. Consultations are complimentary.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Mothers and Daughters: Sexuality and 'The Mother Wound'

Daughters complain a lot about their mothers. And mothers can talk endlessly about their difficulties with their daughters.  Much has been written about "The Mother Wound" which is this idea that collective generational pain is passed down from mother's to daughters. For daughters it can feel like we will never be quite right for our mothers. This feeling that we will never totally win our mother's complete approval. We are too fat or thin. Not feminine enough or showing too much skin. This feeling that our mother is always comparing us to someone elses daughter or even our sister, who has a better job or does more for their mother. It can be about our parenting, our dress code and most of all—this unspoken shame around our sexuality.

Many daughters feel that they have to remain sexually small because how dare they want to have more sexual freedom and pleasure than their mothers had.  Or maybe their mother's were sexually or emotionally abused—and there is this fear that if the daughter is sexually alive the same fate will befall her. The daughter may not even know this on a conscious level, but somewhere deep inside, she knows that she cannot explore who she is on a sexual level because it will trigger her mother's fear and disapproval.

In my sexuality and intimacy coaching practice and at my retreats, "The Mother Wound" has been one of the prevalent issues that lay right under the surface for so many women.

They keep themselves sexually small because they don't want to threaten other women or call too much attention to themselves. There is this fear that "something bad will happen to them" that they will not be able to control. Or worse - that they will be blamed. They compete endlessly with other women and have this feeling that they cannot trust other women.

After all, some feel that they couldn't they trust their mother to protect them or see them as they truly were/are.

They have this secret fear that they are broken in some way and not worthy of creating what they really want in their lives. There is this fear around shaking things up too much. Women talk to me about attracting men into their lives that step all over their boundaries or are "safe and uninteresting". When asked about their desires, there is only this vague sense of unrest.

Many who struggle with their 'mother wound' take incredible leaps forward in exploring their sexuality and then self-sabotage by dropping out with excuses that range from money and time to feeling that they have gotten all that they need. Mostly they are frightened "of going too far and falling off a rail". The fear of anyone finding out that they are exploring their sexuality is extraordinary. No one wants to be a "bad girl" for real. So instead, many women develop anxiety, eating disorders, depression, addictions and complain of a general feeling of numbness in their genitals that we call "Low sexual desire" or "Low Libido".

So many of our mothers were raised in service to others rather than ever thinking about their own needs. They have their own mother wounds. It's important to remember that our mothers are someone else's daughter. She may have all of the same feelings that I just described above.

How is she suppose to teach and support her daughter to be anything other than filled with these same feelings of shame and comparison? This is a legacy that is carefully protected, shrouded in fear, shame and conflict. As daughters so many of us want our mother's approval; and if that means remaining small so that we do not challenge our mother's belief's about being a woman we will do that.

For many daughters that means shutting down their sexuality instead of taking on her own sexual power and potential. The risk of rejection and shaming is far too big a fear. I wonder if that is why so many women wait until mid life to sexually awaken. By then we are far enough out of the house, have accumulated  enough life experiences of our own, and we may have lost our mother through death or conflict.

Many of us develop a late life compassion for our mothers and a deeper understanding of our mother as daughter. That she is/was a product of the same legacy. We begin to  know at a deeper level in mid life that we will not lose our mother's approval or love—or if we do we are strong enough to walk away from the legacy.

While it may still feel risky for a woman to step forward and decide to connect to her body, her sexuality and a practice of self loving and pleasure out of a fear of risking angering and rejection from her mother—somehow in mid life we seem to be gathering the fortitude. As daughter's age, many of us come to this awareness that while our mother's may have given up parts of herself to her own mother—we no longer have to. We can break the cycle. This does not mean that we deny the legacy—it actually means that we take it on and look at it. Often there is grieving to be done.

In order to fully get into our bodies and let go of the fear of our own sexuality—it is vital to look at our own mother wounds as they are the foundation on which our relationship to our sexuality and our bodies are built.

As daughters we cannot repair or save our mothers lives. But we can choose to offer ourselves and our mothers compassion. We can offer our mother's and ourselves understanding and forgiveness. And we can step away and fulfill our own potential as women without this underlying fear that our relationship with our own pleasure and sexual expression is something dangerous and an act of defiance against our mother. We can step into our discomfort of "leaving our mother's behind" or even perhaps feeling their envy as we live lives that they were unable to have. In mid life many of us feel the disappointment that our mother's have in their own self sacrifice and the hunger for what they didn't have. Perhaps it is this maturity and ability to see what our mother's have held in their own lives that creates this burning mid life desire not to forever limit our own true potential. In mid life - it can feel like now or never. It is finally time to become all of those things that we repressed in fear of hurting, angering or betraying the sacrifices that our mother's made for us.

It becomes time to love our bodies as they are. It becomes time to be as big, creative, successful and  smart as we can. This can be a remarkable time of rebirth and recreation in a woman's life. We want our own experience of being a woman, and this reaching for our full potential is not about abandoning our mothers. It is about finally realizing that we will never be able to fully pay our mother's back for what they gave us—or letting go of the deeply held desire to win this approval and love. It is the final falling out of the nest.

And as a mother who is a daughter we have work to do too.  Being a mother is one of the hardest roles we will ever occupy. Occupying motherhood in our world is a job that no one can prepare you for. And it sets you up for all the old feelings of being a daughter like being competitive with other women—only this time it's about your kids plus all the other stuff that you were carrying before. It's hard to confront all of the "Mother" feelings when we think we are enlightened. This is not "old world" feelings. This is a legacy. In our own role of mother/daughter, we may be trying to take back our own sexual power while we are seeing our children out pace us. It can be terrifying to feel fear for our daughters while we envy them.

"The Mother Wound" is one of the most complex obstacles women face, and it's the leading cause of women staying small. As women we may have a tremendous amount of anger for the boxes that we are put into and the sacrifices that we make as mothers. Where can we talk about feeling left out in our daughters lives? Hating being the one that has to be the constant giver and nurturer? Who can we speak to without shame that we are tired of being in service to our daughter's whims, desires, anger and resentments?

There are few safe places to bring this rage and confusion. While there are a few advocates working hard to provide those safe places like Nekole Shapiro and her Holistic Peer Counseling Program for Birth and Parenting—these programs are rare and new.

It's time for all of us to take a look at the mother wound. How it has affected us as mothers,  daughters and ultimately as women. It's time for us to peek at how the mother wound has affected our relationship with our bodies and our sexuality. It would be wonderful if young women could do this—and it's not too late ever for any woman of any age to do this work and have this transformation.

I have seen women in their fifties, sixties and seventies heal their wounds and take back their bodies with extraordinary pleasure. I have watched them experience their sexuality in ways that they felt were completely out of the range of possibility for them. I have been inspired by women who have left the regret and the legacy behind them. It is a stepping out and letting go of the internal monologue of 'mother wound' self criticism, guilt, shame,  fear, and obligation that robs us from our full potential.

This wound can be healed and women can have lives that are full of love, self acceptance and sexual expression. I see it happening everyday.

What to do after reading this article?

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