A Peek Inside a Private Sexological Body Work Session

This morning, my client "Amy" met me for coffee and to check in before her final session Sexological Body Work session with my colleague Ron Stewart, Co-Founder of Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, before she flew back to Florida. She read me her journal entries, and I was not only blown away by her sharing, but how amazing she looked. I asked her how she was feeling, and she said: "Whole, Satiated, Centered and at Peace". Ron and I have been in the NYC area running workshops and working privately with women, men and couples who are on their own journey back to their bodies.  Amy is one of the women who flew in from various parts of the country to work with us. I would describe her as lovely, fiercely independent, and in her forties. She is single and in transition in her relationship.

I got to know Amy after she decided to do one on one coaching with me through video skype. When the opportunity presented itself to do hands on work, she took the plunge and jumped in. She choose to do three sessions with us over three days. That meant that she got an hour with me to talk about it all, process, and then spend time with Ron having a traditional Sexological Body Work Session. We also shared a few meals together, and did a little sex toy shopping.

With her permission, here are a few excerpts from her journal and a follow up coaching session with me. Amy allowed me to share all of this because she wanted to support other women to take the leap, and change their lives.

"So I traveled to NYC today to start this mini-retreat to explore my sexuality. There is a part of me that thinks this is crazy and wondering what I’m doing. And although I’m a bit excited I can’t lie and say that I’m not having second thoughts right now. As it nears the time and VERY nervous and a bit anxious but I know that this is about me and being open to the experience so I go with it.

Meeting with Pam was good, centered me a bit before meeting with Ron and going into the hands on portion of my time. I’m guessing it’s because I’ve had massages before but I’m amazed at how easily I strip before Ron and get on the table.

The experience is amazing, Ron was really good at reading my body. He started with an extended massage which was perfect. I got comfortable with his touch and the idea of what we’re doing. I had my first orgasm and it was amazing. I experienced sensations I had never felt before and it was pretty spectacular. I told Pam and Ron that this was the first time I wasn’t self conscious about my body, perhaps it was because there is no relationship between Ron and I - not sure but it definitely allowed me to let go. I am hoping that I can carry that level of self confidence in my other sexual experiences.

I am glad that I came.

Session Two

Today’s experience was intense… I had shared that I was interested in playing a little bit with Domination so I got to experience a taste of that! I enjoyed it! Spanking (which I also really loved), anal play (WOW!)… and a lot more g-spot stimulation than yesterday. I think I had an orgasm for like an hour… there was an extended period of time where my body just shook. It felt like the urge to shudder was coming from the inside out and I felt it down to my toes. It was amazing… it was ALMOST too much - so hard to put into words. I have never experienced anything like that before.

At the end of the session Ron remarked on how responsive my body was, and I honestly didn’t know that I was responsive. Past experiences felt good but not body shattering, it was like there was a string from my nipples to my pussy and every time they were touched everything would clench. It was really surprising to me at how much I enjoyed everything, the last little bit of time all I could do was lay there and experience my pussy clenching and my nipples peaking… just amazing.

At first I thought I would just lay down and sleep for the afternoon but all of a sudden I’m ravenous and I have a ton of energy so I’m going to go outside and explore for a bit. :) Tonight is one of the workshops. I’m hoping that it will be a good experience.

Update - after a quick trip sightseeing I came back to the hotel and was knocked out, I slept for five or six hours straight. I guess this experience impacted me even more than I thought! And I guess, I found the cure for my insomnia! Something has definitely changed though… even while I was walking around today I noticed that my hips are swinging and my confidence has grown. Amazing what an orgasm can do!

Love."

Day 3 "I was curious about how today would turn out.  Yesterday was intense it was a life changing experience for me and last night and this morning I feel that delicious soreness of a body that was well used.  I woke up this morning feeling happy, I would even venture to say that I feel joyful.  I feel like I ‘fit’ in my own skin.  I shower, do my hair throw on my tightest skinny jeans, a sweater, leather jacket and almost knee high boots and I feel sexy.  It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt this way.  I leave my hotel room to meet Pam with a smile on my face and she gives me one look and starts laughing… she says you look so happy and so pretty and I really feel it! :)

I was a bit nervous about today because I was so sore (my body simply wasn't used to all of this touch!) but Ron and I agree to start off slow and see how things go from there… after a bit Ron read my mind and brought out the Magic Wand… well there went my plan… I was soon begging for more.  Today was such a different experience from yesterday but another amazing one.  I had no idea my body was so responsive, I had no idea I could feel so deeply or intensely.  I had no idea that I could feel such pleasure where everything was centered on my breasts and my pussy to the extent that I felt pins and needles in my toes and my fingers.  How amazing is that?!  Coming out of today’s session I feel like I could run a 5k, my body feels alive, whole, centered and most importantly satiated.  Walking around on the streets of New York people are looking at me because I literally have a smile on my face.  It almost brings me to tears to know that I’m NOT broken, that I am a whole and complete woman who is just now scratching the surface in finding herself.

Pam and I have lunch and then walk to a nearby jewelry store.  I buy a beautiful piece of body jewelry… BODY JEWELRY!?  I mean so NOT like me, but putting it on I felt sexy and it’s a perfect tribute to this mini-retreat weekend.

Pam and I talked about my experience and about my decision to chose her to work with.  I told her that talking with her I felt heard, I felt validated and I felt she wouldn’t take any of my crap and I was right.  She pushed me in the right way and has helped me to start this amazing journey to find my sexuality, to understand my body and what it needs and to find myself.  I plan on attending the workshop tonight and hope to have more to tell of my story of Day 3.  In the meantime I owe so much to Pam and Ron for helping me to start this journey to finding myself."

Day 4 Heading Home

"I'm heading to JFK airport now and as I was getting ready this morning I was thinking about what I learned this weekend. 1. I learned that I'm not broken, in fact my body is extremely responsive to erotic touch. Who knew?! 2. I learned that I'm sexy and powerful in my skin. This one will take some time to get used to being comfortable with but I experienced it so I know it's there! 3. I learned that taking time for me is not selfish, it increases my capacity for love - both of myself and of others. 4. I learned that I am beautiful. 5. I learned that there is immense pleasure in being able to receive touch and equally as much pleasure being able to give touch. 6. I learned that there are men out there who are equally concerned with giving pleasure as they are receiving it.

This was an amazing discovery and I know that it is just the start of my journey. The question is really what do I do with this knowledge know and how does it change my current circumstances? Although I felt true and loving feelings for Chris is he the one for me? This morning, after some processing my instinct was no. But I know that I need to spend some time talking with him to be sure. I feel confident enough now that I can do that.

I can't thank Pam and Ron enough for this weekend. For opening my eyes and my body to my potential and for starting me on this journey to my own self discovery and wholeness. Next stop Tuscany! (I hope!)

Love."

And I can't thank Amy enough for showing up so fully and then allowing us to take a peek!

Relentless

Recently one of my clients called me "Relentless" as I held on to her ankles (virtually through Skype) as she struggled to make a big decision about moving forward in her journey.  She was scared of making the leap from thinking to doing. I’m experienced in that  and I was hanging in there to support her in her leap into open and integrated sexuality without life-threatening injuries. I wanted her courage so badly for her because I got exactly where she was in her life and I knew what was possible. I wanted that so badly for her that I was willing to be "Relentless".

I know how painful the body-less life can be because I spent so many years as a head. I was a beautiful head, but I was just a head.

The truth is there’s a better than even chance we’re more alike than not.

Dark hungers and darker fantasies? Got ‘em. Feeling weird even admitting them? Been there. Worried about feeling like a freak? Well, I survived those moments, too, and I’m here to tell you there’s nothing freakish about it.

The ultimate goal is to  free all of that up, and reconnect the body with your brain.

I not only teaching women to recognize arousal, help them look at it without shame and take progressive steps to begin the work of self-acceptance and embodiment.  I lead women on an exploration of their own true natures and helps them use sensual pleasure to heal the typical array of issues that afflict most of us. I mean everything from body dysmorphia, eating disorders, erratic sexual desire and general crankiness.

I connect them with resources and opportunities to take it even further.

I encourage women to tune into their bodies and sensations with "sex games" that they can play on their own in private or with a partner.  I show women through my own adventures, that it’s a fun trip worth taking.  

I get it. What I preach and teach defies easy categorization. I blend my education, personal experiences and share real life vignettes that can take women out of the world of sex how to books to a brand new relationship with their bodies and the world.

My purpose in the world is to leave breadcrumbs for women to follow on their own road to sexual wholeness. What I teach, embody, and cheer lead is unique to me.

I’ve spent thousands of dollars on unconventional sex ed--from countless sacred sexuality workshops to private sessions with sexual healers. My underground education ignited such liberating changes in the rest of my life, that I couldn't keep all of this a secret. My job is now to responsibly show other women what is possible when they let go and look at their sexuality in a brand new light.  

When women take a bite out of my offerings whether it is one on one coaching, or a Back to The Body Retreat, a VIP Day, Private Retreat or even just reading my book Shameless; I am offering women the insight and skills to love themselves just as they are. I want to help women shed the fear of their own desire and to be open to pleasure, things we’re not conditioned to do.

It's not about quid pro quos, no have-tos, no 365 positions to memorize to please your partner and get off. What I believe in is  the antithesis of the orgasm Olympics book. This is a one-of-a-kind work devoted to the concept of sensual pleasure as a transformational, healing tool.  

I know that denying desire comes at a cost to everyone –our partners, our families, even our career peers. I also know that losing the shackles of sexual shame, unabashedly grabbing erotic pleasure with both hands and integrating the sexual self can make any woman happier in the body she’s in.  No raw foods, fiber drinks, exercise programs or cleanses. And who in their right mind doesn’t want to be a happier woman?  Or be around one? Just ask my husband.

My desire is to safely shepherd women into the wilds of desire and throw open the door on the vast universe of diverse pleasures.  With empathy and a wink that can only come from someone who’s walked in their Birkenstocks (and traded them in for thigh-high leather boots), I’ll show each woman who comes across my path how to befriend her body, unearth her erotic self and welcome her in. It’s possible to have true pleasure in all spheres of their lives.

People seem to be starving for my particular brand of good-natured, open sexual plain speaking. Right now, it’s hard to find information that goes past the superficial without plunging right into scary. Women excited by the idea of sensual spanking, for instance, may find a beginner’s piece or two. But further investigation often takes them on a hair-pin turn directly to a dungeon and a flogging post. Too much, too fast and too alarming for a novice.  By contrast, I offer them ways to express their desires one safe step at a time. I gleefully and sensibly fill the yawning information gap.

I’m willing to take controversial stands. I propose that extended pleasure and the Organic Orgasm are more intriguing than female ejaculation and the g spot. I suggest that we’re so performance driven that we’re all suffering, needlessly, from orgasm anxiety. 

Here's what true. We all have our season of sexual discontent. We all have those seasons and they’re unpredictable. It’s a bit like climate change. For some the wintry itch erupts between boyfriends. For others there’s chill that hits in the middle of a pre-nup negotiation. Some get triggered during a marriage, after the kids have grown, post- divorce, the onset of peri-menopause and beyond.  

Basically, women struggle with this all the time. Why? The answer is complex but it boils down to the fact that our sexuality has been severed from the rest of who we are. That vital life force has been sanitized, shrink-wrapped and buried like pirate’s booty. Instead of the bracing zest of feminine erotic desire, we watch the Photo Shopped blemish-free girls get to play. They’re the entitled ones. They don’t look anything like most of us do when we catch our own reflections. The message? We, the ordinary mortals, aren’t deserving of pleasure. Not unless we lose weight, get that job or finish that project. Pleasure is constantly receding on the horizon of our own self-loathing. Self-denial is epidemic.

I am relentless about breaking this down. And I will hand Sleeping Beauty her first Red Bull.  And I don't mind if you call me "Relentless".

Secret Desires

I am still smiling months after the encounter. There I was in an independent book store - about to doing a reading of Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner when I was greeted by a beautiful women that I know through my fertility work. She hadn't read the book yet - she was coming for the reading and to say hello. We started to chat about mutual friends - and my book. One of our mutual friends wasn't very comfortable with everything in my book. I told her that I thought that she was uncomfortable with some of the "kinkier" desires that I had uncovered during my journey of sexual self discovery.  "I think it was the spanking" I told her.  "I think that the spanking freaked her out," I confided in my friend. Her eyes grew as big as saucers and she started to giggle. She covered her mouth and in a stage whisper said to me "Like it too!" We both broke out peals of laughter. "Of course you do!" I said with a wink. "It's not so uncommon, you know - so many people love to play with sensation and power games in the bedroom."

The one thing that I learned is that no one is kinkier than anybody else - and whatever you think is sexy or erotic - there is a line behind you of people who find the same thing sexy and erotic! Just go into any sex store and you will see your neighbors fetishes all lined up and ready for purchase. So - lighten up and give up the shame. If what you are turned on by is safe, sane and consensual - it's really all good! And you don't have to whisper! We all probably like it too!

Biting Hank's Belly

I am not the woman that Hank first met over two years ago. I remember that woman when I read my own memoir - "Shameless". But sometimes, I can hardly remember myself back then. I remember self consciously dancing naked with him (him dressed of course) – and feeling completely humiliated. It was so hard to be in my skin back then. It was beyond difficult for me to undress and be seen. I can remember like it was yesterday. I can remember him once asking me to climb to my knees – and the shame I felt in my body made it almost impossible. Skip forward in time.... Who is that woman on her knees on Hank’s table – naked except for black slightly worn thigh high stockings. Was that me? A hedonistic Goddess enjoying all the places that my arousal was taking me. I was dancing and swaying like a spirit had possessed my body as feather paddle was making itself known on my skin. Hank was playing with all manner of sensation toys and I was dancing with all of the different flavors that each played on my skin. I was dancing with Hank - but mostly I was dancing with the spirit that was alive inside of my body. This great big erotic energy that was flying through my soul and swirling around around my heart.

The music was a part of my arousal. I love the music that Hank plays for me. It is rich and tribal. The music calls forth this wild creature inside of myself. I was for a brief time without self judgment. I love that.

Before I climbed onto the table to begin my tribal sex dance – I was bent over the massage table. I love that place. I felt my leg wrap around Hanks’ body as he began to touch to me. I loved my session with Hank. They were safe - full of boundaries. I was really able to let myself go - and I did.

I was lost in the moment. I only half noticed my leg reaching back and wrapping around his. What was I doing? I never touch back! I felt myself reach back for him – and his breath on my neck. I wanted to drop to my knees and kiss his body. I wanted to start at his feet and work my way up. “Down Girl”….I told myself. This is Hank. You do not kiss Hank full on the mouth. You do not sexually engage with Hank. This is about you - not Hank.

But I wanted to. That was when I climbed on the table. I needed to go deeper inside myself…I needed to feel the dance with Hank – but I needed to go deeper into my own experience. And I did for awhile. I went to this amazing place where I was an African Princess dancing to the sensations that were vibrating in and around my body. With my eyes closed only the colors of the universe greeted me.

Oh – I felt the hands on my body – the sensation toys playing on my skin. And then Hank was in front of me. My body rose and then fell to a place of prostration as he held tightly onto my breasts. My breath was deep – and the wild, wantonness was back again. God I was loving this place – and celebrating my ease in being in it. It was like breathing in and out. It was that natural to me.

Hank’s fuzzy arms were teasing me. His hands pulling my hair. I wanted him to pull it harder. Perhaps I was an animal not a hedonistic Goddess or African Princess. I wanted to growl and shake my hair harder. I wanted to shake my hips. God! It felt so good to feel my erotic energy again! I rubbed my face into Hank’s body. I am allowed to do that. I found myself nuzzled into his arm pits, and I could smell his scent – and I started to nibble. Okay – maybe I started to bite Hank’s belly. Was that really me?

“I’m sorry!” I blurted out.

“For what?”

“For Biting your belly.”

“No you’re not! No you’re not! You are not sorry for biting my belly!!!” Hank laughed back at me. And started to playfully punish me with hand spanks on my ass. We were laughing - and I got over my embarrassment of falling over a boundary.

“You are right – I said. I am not sorry! Not in the least!”

And I went from the wild wanton creature to playful kitten. I wanted a pillow fight – and Hank grabbed the pillows. We went at it – me on the table bashing at Hank’s body - and him giving it to me double.

I was breathless, full of giggles and back in Hank's arms until it was time to go. In NYC it was a very rainy gray day. Inside Hank's apartment there was light. And I got to touch for a little while, that beautiful energy inside myself that stitches the rest of me together.

I still want to bite Hank's belly.

Dear Readers: I am getting lots of requests for me "Hank Stories" so here is another private entry from my secret journals! Enjoy getting to know "Hank"! This journal was written in 2009. Shameless Hugs, Pamela