The Healing and Rejuvenation Magic in Sexual Arousal

Female sexual arousal as a tool of health and creation in women is one of the most understudied parts of a woman's mental and physical health care.  A big part of the problem is that there is simply no funding for it.  Science is mostly funded by the Pharmaceutical Industry which is very interested in "finding cures" through medication.  As a result, most research in sexuality is funded around pain not the benefits of pleasure. But if we look closely at the pain research that is being done around sexual arousal we can find scientific validation that pleasure heals, and sexually arousal is a healing tool.

In a recent study on the benefits of sexual arousal and orgasm for treating pain by Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, a distinguished service professor at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, he found that orgasm releases a hormone that helps raise your pain threshold.

Dr. Komisaruk also found that stimulation without orgasm can also provide the same benefits. “We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache.”

Pleasure heals.  And I believe that the state of arousal may actually be the secret source of every woman’s power. If it wasn't; why would our genitals be the first thing that is attacked when society wants to subdue women? Throughout history, women have been severed, often  from their sexual energy, preventing them from using it for anything other than the service of men. When the circuit is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused, women numb out.  It's our genitals that are mutilated, our bodies that are raped so that we are so traumatized that we lose our power, and it is our sexuality that is even sometimes put under garments to cover all of us and make us invisible even to ourselves.

Learning to access and use arousal is the beginning of becoming whole

Arousal is the ignition switch of the female erotic engine, that potent driver of sexual energy that is life force itself. Is it any wonder that arousal heals?

It's time for a new understanding of  female sexuality. It stops being about merely the orgasm, the lover, the marriage or the commodity for sale.  It's about teaching women how core female sexuality is the fuel that lights up a woman from within.

When she’s in an aroused state, when the erotic engine is humming, mind and body collude to give her that instantly recognizable and enviable show-stopping ability. Think Cleopatra or Michelle Obama. Marital status, age, sexual preference, body size or health issues just don’t matter. This is for all women. When women learn how to tap into and access their arousal they rediscover or perhaps find for the first time that hotbed of energy to unleash each woman’s full potential.

When we stimulate the vagina (and yes, I mean all of the parts) we stimulate the production of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for sexual arousal. In an aroused state our senses are heightened, we are more focused, flushed with creative energy, self- confidence, highly motivated and just plain sexy.

We tend to race past this fertile and delicious state in hot pursuit of the orgasm. The “Big O” is something that we’ve been brainwashed to think is the only successful outcome every time we go near our genitals. In the mad dash to climax, we get gypped of a free,  organic state that doesn’t require anything other than giving your vagina attention.

The uniquely female life force, turned back on itself shorts out the vagina-heart-brain circuit. With the wires fried, women often find themselves disconnected from their own desires on the most basic of levels. Some women make themselves sexually invisible, consoling themselves with addictions (shopping, food, alcohol), or tumble into depression and anxiety. Many of these women are leaders in so many parts of their lives. CEOs to Supermoms, it doesn’t matter. When this circuit disrupts, the breakdown is often private and unseen to the casual observer. Too many women are still faking it on the deepest of levels when it comes to their relationship with their bodies. They cover up numbness and fear often with either compliance or anger.

So while the primary focus in accessing arousal is not about how to have great sex, you will. As one of my coaching clients said: “My boyfriend has not changed his techniques. Nothing looks different really from the outside, but damn – sex is hotter than it’s ever been in my life.” That’s what I am talking about.  I also believe that women who work with their arousal in an ongoing way, are on their way to find their own fountain of youth.

So how do you get started? It's really simple.  For many of us that means we need to by-pass the neo-cortex, hand-slapping, nay-saying part of the brain, and dive right into the pelvis. You need to put your attention on your genitals.

Start slow and easy, when you’re alone and there’s privacy. Wear your clothes or don’t. Whatever makes you comfortable.

In a comfortable seated position, feet firmly on the floor, cup your vulva, palm up, from the front with your fingertips pointing back.

With eyes closed, start rocking your pelvis back and forth.

Focus your attention on the sensations generated by your vulva filling your hand , your muscles clenching and releasing, your pelvis rocking

If you’re feeling adventurous, throw in some Kegels, squeezing and releasing your pelvic floor.

As your awareness of sensation increases–and it will– let yourself move and lean into the rock.

KEEP BREATHING

When you feel heat rising, when you start to feel pleasure, you’ve arrived in that juicy activated known as arousal. And you’ve done it without any of the usual agendas — no imperative to reach orgasm, pleasing a partner or satisfying a fantasy. This simple exercise can begin your journey of connection to your own body. It can mark the end of numbness. It can even heal.

One of my clients, we will call her Sarah, was so disconnected from erotic engine that she couldn’t identify pleasure in any parts of her life. She was sexually non functional, depressed and on heavy medication. She kept telling me that she couldn’t feel her genitals, that there was no pleasure there at all. So fully clothed, (we were working through video Skype) I asked her to cup her vulva and begin to softly rock her pelvis while learning forward . I coached her to allow her vulva fill to gentle fill her hand. We did this exercise quietly for about five minutes. When I saw that she was very relaxed and into her own body, and that her face was beginning to flush. I asked her is she could feel anything?

Sarah opened her eyes and tears begin to flow. ” I feel heat. I can feel my body!”

It was as simple as having her put attention on her genitals in a way that didn’t have to lead to anything other than feeling erotic energy.

Moment of awakening. The first step in getting the engine cranked and it’s so simple. It’s all about the arousal.

The Power of The Erotic

We have put the erotic in a box. Say the word erotic and many people conjure up images of partner sex, pornography and lap dances. Nothing wrong with that. But what if the erotic could be seen through a different lens. What if the erotic (sexual energy) could be harnessed to power up all aspects of your life? What if you could get in touch with the erotic as life force energy and use it not only as fuel for orgasm, but also as fuel for your creativity and every other aspect of your life? What if your erotic knowledge is also a potential inner guide, like a sensually fueled GPS navigation system that you can tune into?

Most people want to live a fully expressed life. The question always comes down to how do we get there? My belief is that you already have what you need and it is held in your body. The issue is that this inner knowledge and power has been carefully suppressed. The erotic is so powerful that throughout the ages, people have been frightened of it. We have been cultured out of our own powerful inner knowledge because once we are connected to our inner guides and have access to the erotic as life force energy - we are harder to control.  We have been  shamed into a kind of sexless submission.

If  can learn to live from inside of our bodies outward to the world, not being frightened of the power of our own erotic energy to guide us we will be able to get in touch with our deepest feelings  and let go of the numbness that afflicts so many.  Being fully empowered and connected to our bodies is an act against oppression.  It is through this inner knowledge that we can get in touch with our desires and create change not only in our lives, the lives of our families but also the world.

What we want to create in our lives begin with our ability to know our desires. The foundational step is to know your desire. When we learn to harness our own erotic engine we can dare to know our desires and to be powerful in our lives.

Change is scary and but it is only through change that we can grow.  You cannot harness someone else erotic energy for very long. You can use it to inspire yourself to find your own. But we each need to know, cultivate and access our own inner flame.

And in order to do that, you must first be willing to believe that you have it.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Workshops!

Pamela is teaching in NYC and Seattle in October and November!

Join Pamela Madsen and Monique Darling in NYC on October 12th.

Female Erotic Confidence: The Art of Being Soft and Strong in NYC.  Learn more here!

Join Pamela Madsen and Lori Berkowitz on October 26th in NYC for

Seducing Our Own Beauty: A Very Unique Play Shop for Women

Learn more here

Join Pamela Madsen in Seattle on November 21 and 22nd for "Portal into The Feminine" a mini retreat at the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture  Learn more here:

Back to the Body: Sensual Retreats for Women is Sold Out for Tuscany in September and our Core Program in Victoria, BC. We have opened Registration for February 12th through 17th. Four spots are left.  Back to the Body is limited to six women.  Learn more about Back to the Body here.

Join Pamela and Monique For "Female Erotic Confidence: The Art of Being Soft and Powerful"

“The erotic has often been misnamed by men and used against women. It has been made into the confused, the trivial, the psychotic, the plasticized sensation. For this reason, we have often turned away from the exploration and consideration of the erotic as a source of power and information, confusing it with its opposite, the pornographic.  The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire.”― Audre Lorde, Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power

"Female Erotic Confidence: The Art of Being Soft and Powerful" is the dream child workshop of two pioneering sex educators Pamela Madsen and Monqiue Darling.  

The erotic is the deepest life force energy there is. As women we are taught to suppress it instead of harnessing it's power. In this five hour  all female playshop we explore what it is to have erotic confidence and how to harness it for our lives.

Perhaps you have never heard the term "Erotic Intelligence", Erotic Guides" or even "Uses of the Erotic". Most women live outside ourselves, and rely on external forces, input and directives to guide our lives rather than from our internal knowledge and needs. When we tune out our own internal erotic guides we limit our capacity for creativity, sexual expression, pleasure, and our own ability to be powerful in our careers. This workshop will introduce you to your own internal guide perhaps for the first time, or take you deeper of the power of the erotic within ourselves.

1. Guided meditation into listening to our own internal erotic guide. 2. Exploring our full female expression and how we hold those emotions in our bodies. 3. Examine why we keep ourselves small erotically and practice opening ourselves up to our greatness 4. Delve deeper in our sexual desire and learn to honor, access and express it. 5. Investigate how the voices of our internal guide shift with each life change from menstruation to menopause. 6. Confront our hunger in every form from sexuality, to food, to money. 7.Tell the stories of our bodies. 8. Learn to access and work with our Arousal and Orgasm as a holistic tool for healing and transformation in our lives.

In a circle of women we will  begin to loosen the shackles that bind your heart and tongue as you find your divine reflection through each person you interact with.  We will witness each other with clarity and unconditional love and you will emerge transformed.

When:

October 12th, 2014 1:30 to 6:30pm

Location: A private studio in NYC (location will be given after registration)

Cost: $100.00

Get your ticket! You can still come today. We have room for five more women!

https://femaleeroticconfidence.eventbrite.com

 

GENERAL INFO * Please eat before you arrive. * This is a guided event * Please arrive at 1:30 * Doors will be locked at 2pm

WHAT TO BRING: * Nesting area - cushions, blankets, and anything soft and fuzzy to make your own personal nest on the floor * a blindfold * a closed water bottle

About Your Facilitators:

Pamela Madsen, NYC, NY  is an integrative life coach specializing in the issues of women with a concentration on sexuality and self image. Pamela is the Founder of The American Fertility Association and Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women. She is the author of "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner" (Rodale Press) and sexuality blogger for sites such as Psychology Today, Care.2 and Better After 50. http://www.PamelaMadsen.org and http://www.backtothebody.org

Monique Darling, San Diego, CA, is the founder of Juicy Enlightenment which provides workshops and experiential play-shops in the art of Tantra and conscious loving. She has studied and taught with renowned Tantra teachers and extraordinary workshop facilitators since 1990 and is a certified Cuddle Party Facilitator. She has been featured on TLC and The Dr’s and has been interviewed by magazines across the USA. Monique is dedicated to empowering others utilizing her vast repertoire of cutting-edge teachings. She specializes in helping others reclaim their power and natural sensuality by transmuting fear and repression into courage, self-love and freedom. She guides from a place of understanding and her natural exuberance is infectious! She is available for private sessions, experiential workshops and Cuddle Parties. www.juicyenlightenment.com

The Season Of Your Discontent

I know that feeling. It's the "Season of Your Discontent" and it can feel like anxiety or restlessness, or sadness, or even depression. And here is the thing: If you don't change directions, you are going to end up where you're headed. And you might really love where you are going and you might really be more than fine with where you land. And you might stay in that season of discontent for a really long time. I'm not sure when it hits. And I think it hits at different times for different people.

It's that feeling of being restless, annoyed, bored, just a little pissed off all the time, and being full of feelings we just can't name. And some of "the restless" are too scared to change direction; they are stuck like a sailboat caught in "irons". They can't move, but they are right on course.

Dear Restless, this blog is for you. I believe that if you stay on the course you are on, you will go from numb to bitter to destroyed.

But here's the deal, if you find it within yourself to do something different something will change. And I can pretty much nail the outcome for you.

You will awaken. And trust me, there is nothing like "awakening".

I know - awakening sounds incredibly sexy, messy and scary to some people. Let's face it. This may mean letting go of a lot of our stories. The biggest one that might need to go first - is letting go of our hunger for approval.

You may actually need to say "No", and we are going to do things my way for a change. You might need to "spend" time on yourself. You may need to do something completely out of the box that you might not even want anyone to know about. You may need to actually spend money, find baby sitters for your children or care takers for your parents, or tell your partner that you are taking off for a bit.

What if there was pleasure outside of the pleasure of pleasing and "getting it right"?

Whoa! I get it - you might face some pretty annoyed folks who are used to you playing just the same way you have always played. And if you are anything at all like me, you hate getting it wrong, being rejected, judged or criticized. I have been a people pleasing addict for most of my life. It hurts me more than anything to feel like I have failed someone. But you are giving away your creative and spiritual life in order to be "Liked" and "Respected".

And what about failing yourself? How alive, awake, turned on are you willing to be? All I know is that life is going by very fast these days. Maybe it always was. But I am feeling it more and more.

I think it might be time for all of us to change direction. It's time to get serious about what we really want in our lives. What about pleasure, joy, a feeling of true accomplishment about something you really care about? Is it time to shift your perspective and perhaps your priorities?

Please don't tell me that now is not the time, but you are going to do "This" soon. That you really want "This". But you have to save more money, or the time is not right, or you are too fat, or too old, or too stuck and nothing ever works anyway.

It's time to experiment with radical imagination and live your great big sexy life. Go on, create a" title "Pleasure Plan" and get someone on your team. If that's not me, then get someone else. But get yourself an professional cheerleader, mess maker, advocate and ball breaker! Someone who will laugh with you when you fall on your butt and clap for you when you get up. Someone who will pull you by your resistant ankles who you will kiss on the mouth later!

But do something. I promise you this; if you don't get some crazy ass new stuff on your calender you will stay on the same course. Really. I know. If you need to justify this - I promise you that your work will get better. You will be more creative and more abundant. You will look more beautiful without doing a thing. Life will start paying attention to you in ways you just can't imagine.

And if you make a great big fucking mistake - does it really matter? Trust me, the purple will wash out of your hair!

Women Choosing to Walk the Path of a Deep Inner Calling

The experience of our sexuality often gets lost in translation. Instead of saying that all sexuality is about this or that - let's recognize that the even the word "sexuality" has layers of meaning built into it. Our sexuality is an amalgamation of desire, life experience, bodies, gender, subconscious urges, shame, sensations, and behaviors. Parts of our sexuality spring up from us organically, and some parts are shaped by our culture, religion, and even our language. Sexuality is not one thing or one way. Our sexuality is a holistic and whole body experience that is unique in it's expression from human to human. It would be a huge relief if we could all stop pretending that we have sexuality all figured out and that we have all the answers. Sexuality is not geometry; it's a living container. So if we don't have sexuality "all figured out", how do support women who are an amalgamation of all of this grow, explore, feel safe, and heal their relationship eros?  But I have come to believe that the women themselves have all of the information that they need deeply held inside of them,  they just need the space and the space holders to help them unlock it.

It feels important that I speak about sacred spaces, somatic sex education and  "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women", because it is one of those places where women can do this work.

But I hesitate for many reasons.  I worry about the perception that I'm trying to "sell you" on something. And I'm also concerned about the experiences of our women will get lost in translation. But if we do not speak of what is possible for women to discover in their own bodies, how do they know about what could be possible? I am looking at the images of the women from our most recent July 2014 retreat. I am remembering their stories. The incredible work that each one of them did. The extraordinary self discoveries and transformations.  Each story, each experience as different and unique as each woman.  And I feel compelled to try to put words to it all. But I am not trusting my words alone, so I will try to combine images with my words.

It takes a lot for a woman to step up and face all of the layers of her own sexuality. And what can bring her to do it can feel like the season of her discontent which can happen at any time in her 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's 60's and beyond. It can feel like numbness or aliveness that wants to know more aliveness. We can want our hot sexuality to be bigger and hotter, and we can feel like there is nothing below our waist. And all of these women can show up together at one retreat.

There can be massive resistance even after a woman says "Yes" to showing up.  There are false obstacles that we place in front of our desires to know more and feel more. There can be stark terror as well as incredible excitement and anticipation. Some women feel all of it. Some women feel some of this. The rainbow of emotions that women encounter doing this work is not black and white. And six women show up anyway.  Because somehow they know, that what they are seeking is possible.  Here is the face of one of our women facing her own resistance, sitting in an airport wanting to turn around. She didn't.

I am sitting remembering:

Women supporting and loving each other in our nest being is as important as the sensual ecstasy that they experience. Back to the Body is a unique way for women to connect with each other and heal the wounds of female relationship.

The women have experiences around female connection that most women never experience and it changes them. Sometimes, I wonder if it being privy to the sounds of the other women connecting to their deepest erotic places. Being literally bathed in their sounds. This is not pornography. This is not some performance. This is something incredibly sacred and bliss filled.  We cannot see them. They are in private sessions with professional Sexological Bodyworkers. My colleagues. Their sighs and moans are sometimes tinged with pain: the screams of ancestral wounds that have no name rise up and mix in like the perfect mixed cocktail. And even if we are not on the table, in session - sometimes we can drink it in.

I am remembering  the dance that some of the women did after their sessions. And how the other women celebrated it. Cheering and taking pictures.

And still I struggle for words. From one of our attendees.

"It's not a sex retreat in the way you are thinking. It's actually a women's retreat where each of the women gets deeply pampered and gets to do intense, healing alchemical pleasure work with Sexological Bodyworkers."

It's not sex boot camp!

How do we speak of experiences that occur in the body? So many women in our society do not feel seen by the masculine.  One of the practices that we have introduced to our women is a session where they are held in the cradle of exquisite masculine presence and are bathed in pleasure by their hands, words and attention. What we learn through pleasure we don't easily forget. Our women felt what it is to feel cherished down to their bones. Those are the words.  But the the transformation and healing that pleasure can bring a body cannot fully be described by words.  Maybe we simply show before and after pictures?

What if this was some kind of a "Priestess" training? Does that sound crazy?  A priestess is a woman who officiates in sacred rites and we are teaching women to officiate in the sacred rite of their own sexual alchemy.

A priestess is a woman who is choosing to walk the path of a deep inner calling. That is true of our women. With courage and grace she navigates the continuous ascents and descents of her life's spiral going deeper into her own magical and sacred cauldron.

Our Priestesses are on a path where they are actively confronting, clearing, healing past wounds . As they journey deeper into their sexuality they are each traveling to inner realms of ecstasy, magic, manifestation, quiet times of reflection, prayer, meditation. This work at Back to the Body is supporting each woman to see and sense her own truth in a way that perhaps she has never seen it before.

It's not always easy. But as they stay with the each unique expression of what is holy, we can see amazing shifts in their being. Call it the Divine Mother. Each woman steps into seeing the value and honor of her own femininity. As she clears the dust from her body she can begin to see herself as a holy vessel that can not only hold sacred space for herself, but for her family, friends and community.

Over five days, each women steps into a place of becoming more clear of her own life's purpose and her own ability to create this sexual alchemy in her own body. Yes. This is a Priestess Training of it's own kind. Women learning the power of their desire. Being able to name it, access it and turn it into fuel for every aspect of their lives.

They become filled with a sense of aliveness that is palpable.

Female Erotic Energy As a Tool of Empowerment

Women suppress the erotic, the sexual, the sensuous because we have been taught that it's through the suppression of this incredible life force energy that we will be respected and achieve in the world - yet this notion could not be farther from the truth. Few women want to be regarded as a "slut", or dismissed by seeming too "sexual" or vibrant.  We learn to hide our sexual connections, desires, and even our sex positive friends. We don't want guilt by association. It's through this learned suppression that women have learned to distrust our own bodies.

I invite you not to dismiss the erotic. For when we do, we are turning away from our own organic power source. When we buy into this belief that woman can only achieve greatness by denying our sexuality - we learn to deny it, or believe that it does not belong to us - we stop exploring it. We turn away. And we give up a wealth of information and understanding about the uses of the erotic in our lives.  We literally zap our power.  The truth is, you may be powerful and successful right now in this place of erotic suppression. You may be making six figures, and be in the lime light.

Imagine what you could be doing and feeling if you had it all: full access and understanding for the uses of erotic energy in your life.

How do we allow our precious selves to live a life without access to our own fullest potential?

What is there about this paradox of beliefs? If we are taught to keep our sexuality small in order to achieve professionally or in relationship and our true power lies in learning how to access and use the tools of the erotic for our creativity which is our life force energy - is there some kind of weird conspiracy going on? Remember women really did just get the vote!

The message to women is confused. Be small sexually to achieve. Tamp down. But erotic energy is powerful, and if women are permission-ed and taught to use their erotic energy in all aspects of their lives - are we threatening something?

It's in this confused sexual environment that women who seek to explore and reclaim their own erotic potential face. And it can take incredible amount of courage.

Even among the sexually enlightened and conscious thinkers, I wonder if there is still some fear of sexually empowered women - just under the surface. And women feel the fear and tamp down. We want to be held, loved, adored, melt.  Somehow we have gotten this idea (because most women have been carefully taught), that we need to be small to get that. We may feel like we risk a lot to be our full selves.  The fear of being dismissed or marginalized because we are not seen as "Proper" is real for many.

On some level the sexually enlightened woman is dangerous and dare I say it - "unGodly".

When women learn how to bring our erotic energy into all aspects of their lives everything can change.

The sexually empowered woman can not only feel fully, she can bring that energy into all of her life's endeavors. It's powerful. You become a force of nature. Men actually have to show up to meet you. They can no longer be small either. Not to be in your life. And not everyone is ready for that.

Understand his fear, societies fear, or you own - as you embrace, uncover, and actualize your power.

The erotic if we can embrace, understand and nurture it's energy is the pilot light within yourself. When we allow ourselves to release it, this energy can flow, color and heighten all areas of your life: whether it is cooking,  money making, painting, dancing, teaching, mothering, fucking, or examining your own ideas and life.

 

 

The Two Of You

My mentor recently told me that I lead a very examined life. She does too. She reminded that leading such a life is not everybody's cup of tea.  Mostly, because it's not always so easy - all of this self examination. But let me assure you, that there is a lot of pleasure and curiosity and love in there too! And in my self examinations, I think I find nuggets that may resonate with you. Here is a big one! Currently, I am working with my third chakra. You can find it in the area of your solar plexus. Energetically, it's the place of bridges. The connector place for me and perhaps you in your body. It's where we hold our sense of self.

Going deep inside my bridge, I am able to see that there is one part of Pamela that knows she is beautiful, sexy, loving and desirable. I worked really hard to reclaim that part of myself.  Countless hours on the tables of Sexological Body Workers, taking workshops, looking in the mirror (you name it, I probably did it on my road to reclaiming myself).

And there is this other part of Pamela that is younger and has been breed in our society, reinforced by media, and negative messages. That Pamela fears rejection and believes on some level that I am not enough on any level.

Both of these women are me, and they are both real.  Do you ever feel that?

Sometimes the Ice between those two places is really thin and can crack. I think that I am not alone in this place of wanting to bridge and weave these two parts of myself together in a deeper and stronger way.  I want stronger ice!

I think it's the path of so many of the women that I work with. We have been shamed in our sense of self, and we are or have reclaimed this place where we know that we are loved and accepted by our own selves and by the world.

It can be a fragile system. We can in one minute totally know we are sexy and then then we can become triggered by who knows what and the system can collapse.

I am paying attention to my third chakra and I invite you to do the same. This internal place of the bridge. It's where we need to sit in a women's circle and knit together these aspects of ourselves. .

We are all the entire package.

200 Shameless Women Share About Sexological Body Work

Sometimes, it feels like I am leading a movement. It's about women reclaiming their bodies or perhaps even finding their bodies for the first time through non judgmental full body touch. I have worked side by side with "Sexological Body Workers", "Somatic Sex Educators, or "Hands on Sex Therapists/Practitioners for over ten years now, and through Back to The Body for close to three years since the publication of my book; "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner" (Rodale 2011).   Since that time, over 200 women has passed through me whether it has been through coaching, private retreats, or Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women.  I have held their hands, processed their experiences with them before and after their hands on sessions, and I have kept in contact with many long after they have moved onto other things.

I knew when I shared my story that I was sharing something big for women.  I knew that when we learn through pleasure, that big things can change in our lives. How we feel about our bodies, our relationship with food, addiction,  our interpersonal relationships, and our potential in the world. I knew, because  I did it. And what I am finding out by supporting other women to do this work over the past three years in a very intensive way, is that it is the same for most of them too.  And I want to share our lessons from the massage table. I want to share, because I want to inspire our women too. Our arousal is our internal pharmacy and we can access it through touch.

Lessons Learned:

1. Being held in complete attention and presence from another being while being naked and receiving touch was perhaps the most healing aspect of this experience for almost all of the women.  Somehow, we don't get that in our "regular" lives.  I can't explain why women don't feel totally seen by lovers and husbands, but when a practitioner is totally focused on you for 90 minutes (or for as long as you create your session), and you do not have to be focused on your partner, lover, husband - it creates a space for you to simply receive attention - and that has created huge healing opportunities for almost every woman I have spoken to.

2. Learning to love our bodies through the pleasure of touch. As one woman put it recently, "When he put his hand on my thigh and I experienced my thigh as being full of pleasure instead of fat and ugly - it was a huge relief." When we are able to feel our bodies in pleasure instead of judgement it can create a change in how we see and feel our own bodies. Women with eating disorders have found incredible healing in their body distortion issues by closing their eyes and simply feeling their bodies through touch.

3. Women have reported their first orgasms and feelings of arousal for the first time. Many women can't ask for what they want erotically because they don't know what is possible. By working with someone that is educated in touching a woman's body, women are learning what feels good to them. They simply don't know what they don't know! And once they do know, they are able to bring that learning back into their lives and to their lovers.

4. Women have reported that doing this work has helped them understand their desires and their own personal boundaries in a new way. With coaching and hands on work, they are becoming stronger and more able to speak their desires, and their own boundaries. This shift has rocked open their worlds.

5. Woman have reported a tremendous expansion in what they see has possible in their own lives on every level after spending time doing somatic sex therapy. They have reported feeling more courageous, self confident and willing to take risks when it comes to their jobs and even creating more financial abundance.

6. Women have reported that they finally understand how to open, and surrender to touch and to their own hearts. On the table women are able to practice vulnerability and being open in a safe way - where there is no judgement and where they know they will be held. The experience of finally letting go can change them forever.

And here is what is true. Very few women get what they want in a single session. In a single session most of the women can see what is possible. But what I tell women is to give us a year. Start the dialog with your own body, and stay with it for one year - and see what happens.  Time on the table is a practice.

It can take a season for a bulb to grow a stem, then a bud. The bud can often open over a few days. You need to be patient for the gorgeous flower.

How many metaphors do you want? If you are able to stay with this practice and allow yourself to go through the shifts and change that this work can bring you - I believe that you will find yourself transformed.

Time and time again, I have seen it. Time and time again for ten years I have been climbing on the table to do my own work. I am still peeling back the onion of my own transformation. I am filled with awe in what is possible through touch. I wish that more people knew about this.

The good news is: Our tribe is growing.

A Peek Inside a Private Sexological Body Work Session

This morning, my client "Amy" met me for coffee and to check in before her final session Sexological Body Work session with my colleague Ron Stewart, Co-Founder of Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, before she flew back to Florida. She read me her journal entries, and I was not only blown away by her sharing, but how amazing she looked. I asked her how she was feeling, and she said: "Whole, Satiated, Centered and at Peace". Ron and I have been in the NYC area running workshops and working privately with women, men and couples who are on their own journey back to their bodies.  Amy is one of the women who flew in from various parts of the country to work with us. I would describe her as lovely, fiercely independent, and in her forties. She is single and in transition in her relationship.

I got to know Amy after she decided to do one on one coaching with me through video skype. When the opportunity presented itself to do hands on work, she took the plunge and jumped in. She choose to do three sessions with us over three days. That meant that she got an hour with me to talk about it all, process, and then spend time with Ron having a traditional Sexological Body Work Session. We also shared a few meals together, and did a little sex toy shopping.

With her permission, here are a few excerpts from her journal and a follow up coaching session with me. Amy allowed me to share all of this because she wanted to support other women to take the leap, and change their lives.

"So I traveled to NYC today to start this mini-retreat to explore my sexuality. There is a part of me that thinks this is crazy and wondering what I’m doing. And although I’m a bit excited I can’t lie and say that I’m not having second thoughts right now. As it nears the time and VERY nervous and a bit anxious but I know that this is about me and being open to the experience so I go with it.

Meeting with Pam was good, centered me a bit before meeting with Ron and going into the hands on portion of my time. I’m guessing it’s because I’ve had massages before but I’m amazed at how easily I strip before Ron and get on the table.

The experience is amazing, Ron was really good at reading my body. He started with an extended massage which was perfect. I got comfortable with his touch and the idea of what we’re doing. I had my first orgasm and it was amazing. I experienced sensations I had never felt before and it was pretty spectacular. I told Pam and Ron that this was the first time I wasn’t self conscious about my body, perhaps it was because there is no relationship between Ron and I - not sure but it definitely allowed me to let go. I am hoping that I can carry that level of self confidence in my other sexual experiences.

I am glad that I came.

Session Two

Today’s experience was intense… I had shared that I was interested in playing a little bit with Domination so I got to experience a taste of that! I enjoyed it! Spanking (which I also really loved), anal play (WOW!)… and a lot more g-spot stimulation than yesterday. I think I had an orgasm for like an hour… there was an extended period of time where my body just shook. It felt like the urge to shudder was coming from the inside out and I felt it down to my toes. It was amazing… it was ALMOST too much - so hard to put into words. I have never experienced anything like that before.

At the end of the session Ron remarked on how responsive my body was, and I honestly didn’t know that I was responsive. Past experiences felt good but not body shattering, it was like there was a string from my nipples to my pussy and every time they were touched everything would clench. It was really surprising to me at how much I enjoyed everything, the last little bit of time all I could do was lay there and experience my pussy clenching and my nipples peaking… just amazing.

At first I thought I would just lay down and sleep for the afternoon but all of a sudden I’m ravenous and I have a ton of energy so I’m going to go outside and explore for a bit. :) Tonight is one of the workshops. I’m hoping that it will be a good experience.

Update - after a quick trip sightseeing I came back to the hotel and was knocked out, I slept for five or six hours straight. I guess this experience impacted me even more than I thought! And I guess, I found the cure for my insomnia! Something has definitely changed though… even while I was walking around today I noticed that my hips are swinging and my confidence has grown. Amazing what an orgasm can do!

Love."

Day 3 "I was curious about how today would turn out.  Yesterday was intense it was a life changing experience for me and last night and this morning I feel that delicious soreness of a body that was well used.  I woke up this morning feeling happy, I would even venture to say that I feel joyful.  I feel like I ‘fit’ in my own skin.  I shower, do my hair throw on my tightest skinny jeans, a sweater, leather jacket and almost knee high boots and I feel sexy.  It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt this way.  I leave my hotel room to meet Pam with a smile on my face and she gives me one look and starts laughing… she says you look so happy and so pretty and I really feel it! :)

I was a bit nervous about today because I was so sore (my body simply wasn't used to all of this touch!) but Ron and I agree to start off slow and see how things go from there… after a bit Ron read my mind and brought out the Magic Wand… well there went my plan… I was soon begging for more.  Today was such a different experience from yesterday but another amazing one.  I had no idea my body was so responsive, I had no idea I could feel so deeply or intensely.  I had no idea that I could feel such pleasure where everything was centered on my breasts and my pussy to the extent that I felt pins and needles in my toes and my fingers.  How amazing is that?!  Coming out of today’s session I feel like I could run a 5k, my body feels alive, whole, centered and most importantly satiated.  Walking around on the streets of New York people are looking at me because I literally have a smile on my face.  It almost brings me to tears to know that I’m NOT broken, that I am a whole and complete woman who is just now scratching the surface in finding herself.

Pam and I have lunch and then walk to a nearby jewelry store.  I buy a beautiful piece of body jewelry… BODY JEWELRY!?  I mean so NOT like me, but putting it on I felt sexy and it’s a perfect tribute to this mini-retreat weekend.

Pam and I talked about my experience and about my decision to chose her to work with.  I told her that talking with her I felt heard, I felt validated and I felt she wouldn’t take any of my crap and I was right.  She pushed me in the right way and has helped me to start this amazing journey to find my sexuality, to understand my body and what it needs and to find myself.  I plan on attending the workshop tonight and hope to have more to tell of my story of Day 3.  In the meantime I owe so much to Pam and Ron for helping me to start this journey to finding myself."

Day 4 Heading Home

"I'm heading to JFK airport now and as I was getting ready this morning I was thinking about what I learned this weekend. 1. I learned that I'm not broken, in fact my body is extremely responsive to erotic touch. Who knew?! 2. I learned that I'm sexy and powerful in my skin. This one will take some time to get used to being comfortable with but I experienced it so I know it's there! 3. I learned that taking time for me is not selfish, it increases my capacity for love - both of myself and of others. 4. I learned that I am beautiful. 5. I learned that there is immense pleasure in being able to receive touch and equally as much pleasure being able to give touch. 6. I learned that there are men out there who are equally concerned with giving pleasure as they are receiving it.

This was an amazing discovery and I know that it is just the start of my journey. The question is really what do I do with this knowledge know and how does it change my current circumstances? Although I felt true and loving feelings for Chris is he the one for me? This morning, after some processing my instinct was no. But I know that I need to spend some time talking with him to be sure. I feel confident enough now that I can do that.

I can't thank Pam and Ron enough for this weekend. For opening my eyes and my body to my potential and for starting me on this journey to my own self discovery and wholeness. Next stop Tuscany! (I hope!)

Love."

And I can't thank Amy enough for showing up so fully and then allowing us to take a peek!

Relentless

Recently one of my clients called me "Relentless" as I held on to her ankles (virtually through Skype) as she struggled to make a big decision about moving forward in her journey.  She was scared of making the leap from thinking to doing. I’m experienced in that  and I was hanging in there to support her in her leap into open and integrated sexuality without life-threatening injuries. I wanted her courage so badly for her because I got exactly where she was in her life and I knew what was possible. I wanted that so badly for her that I was willing to be "Relentless".

I know how painful the body-less life can be because I spent so many years as a head. I was a beautiful head, but I was just a head.

The truth is there’s a better than even chance we’re more alike than not.

Dark hungers and darker fantasies? Got ‘em. Feeling weird even admitting them? Been there. Worried about feeling like a freak? Well, I survived those moments, too, and I’m here to tell you there’s nothing freakish about it.

The ultimate goal is to  free all of that up, and reconnect the body with your brain.

I not only teaching women to recognize arousal, help them look at it without shame and take progressive steps to begin the work of self-acceptance and embodiment.  I lead women on an exploration of their own true natures and helps them use sensual pleasure to heal the typical array of issues that afflict most of us. I mean everything from body dysmorphia, eating disorders, erratic sexual desire and general crankiness.

I connect them with resources and opportunities to take it even further.

I encourage women to tune into their bodies and sensations with "sex games" that they can play on their own in private or with a partner.  I show women through my own adventures, that it’s a fun trip worth taking.  

I get it. What I preach and teach defies easy categorization. I blend my education, personal experiences and share real life vignettes that can take women out of the world of sex how to books to a brand new relationship with their bodies and the world.

My purpose in the world is to leave breadcrumbs for women to follow on their own road to sexual wholeness. What I teach, embody, and cheer lead is unique to me.

I’ve spent thousands of dollars on unconventional sex ed--from countless sacred sexuality workshops to private sessions with sexual healers. My underground education ignited such liberating changes in the rest of my life, that I couldn't keep all of this a secret. My job is now to responsibly show other women what is possible when they let go and look at their sexuality in a brand new light.  

When women take a bite out of my offerings whether it is one on one coaching, or a Back to The Body Retreat, a VIP Day, Private Retreat or even just reading my book Shameless; I am offering women the insight and skills to love themselves just as they are. I want to help women shed the fear of their own desire and to be open to pleasure, things we’re not conditioned to do.

It's not about quid pro quos, no have-tos, no 365 positions to memorize to please your partner and get off. What I believe in is  the antithesis of the orgasm Olympics book. This is a one-of-a-kind work devoted to the concept of sensual pleasure as a transformational, healing tool.  

I know that denying desire comes at a cost to everyone –our partners, our families, even our career peers. I also know that losing the shackles of sexual shame, unabashedly grabbing erotic pleasure with both hands and integrating the sexual self can make any woman happier in the body she’s in.  No raw foods, fiber drinks, exercise programs or cleanses. And who in their right mind doesn’t want to be a happier woman?  Or be around one? Just ask my husband.

My desire is to safely shepherd women into the wilds of desire and throw open the door on the vast universe of diverse pleasures.  With empathy and a wink that can only come from someone who’s walked in their Birkenstocks (and traded them in for thigh-high leather boots), I’ll show each woman who comes across my path how to befriend her body, unearth her erotic self and welcome her in. It’s possible to have true pleasure in all spheres of their lives.

People seem to be starving for my particular brand of good-natured, open sexual plain speaking. Right now, it’s hard to find information that goes past the superficial without plunging right into scary. Women excited by the idea of sensual spanking, for instance, may find a beginner’s piece or two. But further investigation often takes them on a hair-pin turn directly to a dungeon and a flogging post. Too much, too fast and too alarming for a novice.  By contrast, I offer them ways to express their desires one safe step at a time. I gleefully and sensibly fill the yawning information gap.

I’m willing to take controversial stands. I propose that extended pleasure and the Organic Orgasm are more intriguing than female ejaculation and the g spot. I suggest that we’re so performance driven that we’re all suffering, needlessly, from orgasm anxiety. 

Here's what true. We all have our season of sexual discontent. We all have those seasons and they’re unpredictable. It’s a bit like climate change. For some the wintry itch erupts between boyfriends. For others there’s chill that hits in the middle of a pre-nup negotiation. Some get triggered during a marriage, after the kids have grown, post- divorce, the onset of peri-menopause and beyond.  

Basically, women struggle with this all the time. Why? The answer is complex but it boils down to the fact that our sexuality has been severed from the rest of who we are. That vital life force has been sanitized, shrink-wrapped and buried like pirate’s booty. Instead of the bracing zest of feminine erotic desire, we watch the Photo Shopped blemish-free girls get to play. They’re the entitled ones. They don’t look anything like most of us do when we catch our own reflections. The message? We, the ordinary mortals, aren’t deserving of pleasure. Not unless we lose weight, get that job or finish that project. Pleasure is constantly receding on the horizon of our own self-loathing. Self-denial is epidemic.

I am relentless about breaking this down. And I will hand Sleeping Beauty her first Red Bull.  And I don't mind if you call me "Relentless".

 

Welcome Goddess Ishtar: Spring Is All About Sexuality and Fertility

I'm not sure why we should be surprised that Pagans celebrated Goddess Ishtar in the Spring. After all, with her symbols the egg and the rabbit she was sending a very strong message:  Spring is all about sexuality and fertility. Why it should be surprising in any way that old time Christians in an attempt to convert pagan worshipers re-branded celebrations such as Easter from pagan rituals and Goddesses.  It's our human history; it's what we do. We like to change stories to suit our own needs. But in both Passover and Easter, the symbol of the egg is on stage.

Spring is all about the egg! It's a time of renewal and rebirth. A time that is rich with  sexuality and fertility. And I love saying that mid-life women stop making the egg and become the egg!

How can you become your own egg of creation in the Spring? Is it time to create a Pleasure Plan?Or go on an adventure?

So how are you going to use it? Can you imagine diving into as your own personal celebration of freedom, renewal and rebirth?

Whatever we choose in life, it requires an action. Is this a time of renewal in your life or rebirth? This Spring are you breaking bonds in an expression of  freedom as the Jews did in the story of Passover? What are you creating in an expression of fertility?

What rituals, and choices can you make to bring Spring into your body?

For me, I bought myself a butterfly necklace as a symbol of my own transformation and freedom this Spring. I love wearing it, it's a reminder of a change in my life. Sometimes, choosing a totem for an intention is very helpful and actually comforting. It can keep you on track.

Choose to put your attention on something. Is it your relationship with your body? How will you renew that? Or play in Spring time sexuality? Can you commit to something that will keep your focus on your goal?

The Spring is a rich time. Create an intention for your  Spring and then come dance in the flowers. Isn't it time for you to come out of your hibernation?

What is a Turned On Woman?

There is a lot of talk about being a "Turned On" woman. But what exactly is that? To me, it's a woman who has figured out that sex is learning how to be a courtesan for herself first.

It's about taking the time to look inside at that magical, mystical place in our own bodies.

Once we figure out how to do that, a turned on woman will develop a deeper connection to her own sexual engine and be able to take that power source out into the world for the good of her family, friends, and community.

Now that's hot. That's turned on.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

PS. Are you standing on the side lines? Do you want some ideas, or a yellow brick road to step onto?

Sometimes you just need to be willing to do something different and bold to begin to turn on, change your perspective or reboot your engine. Come on! It's Spring! Here are some ideas and resources:

1.  Ron Stewart (http://www.skyclad.ca/) and I are running workshops and offering private sessions on the East Coast from Monday, April 22nd through May 5th.  You can find information about the workshop in Philadelphia here on Wednesday, April 23 in Bryn Mawr at 7pm 

Ron and are are offering private sessions for singles and couple on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in the area in the Bryn Mawr area and NJ. Please contact me for more details at Pamela@backtothebody.org

On Friday, April 25th we are in NYC (SoHo) where we will be offering two workshops on Saturday evening at 6:30 until 9:30pm and and Sunday evening from 6:30 to 9:30pm. The workshops are open to all. You can find the complete information on the workshops here. 

Come as a way to connect back to yourself, play, and feel sexy! These workshops are clothing on. You don't need a partner, and you can bring one!

2. Ron and I are offering private sessions from Monday April 18th through May 5th in the NYC area. If you are interested in a private session for yourself or as a couple please email me as soon as possible to discuss - we are booking up but we still have time availability to make this happen for you and take you off the side lines! Women are literally flying in from all over the country to join us in NYC. Are you local? What's stopping you? Call me. Let's move that obstacle! We are creating VIP Days for women to have the exclusive full attention of Ron and myself from 10 to 7pm! Curious? Email me at Pamela@backtothebody.org

3. Have you listened to my CD yet? "Shameless Sex, Self and Love Meditation?" It might be a great start for you! You can find it here.

4. Have you read my book yet? "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner?" You can find it here.

5. Have you ever considered attending one of our retreats? Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women has openings for our July and Tuscany Retreat in late September.

6. Just want to talk with me? Consider a free consult. We have so many ways to step off the side lines and live your life as a woman in full. Just send an email at Pamela@backtothebody.org

 

 

Searching For That Feeling of Aliveness

So many of us want to feel alive again. We are stuck in the patterns of our lives whether it work, family, relationships, or marriage. We may feel stuck in some kind of trauma that we can't seem to climb out of.  We are longing to reconnect with parts of ourselves that we have lost, forgotten or never got to explore. We may think it's about getting hot sex; it may be. But I think it's more about getting attention, feeling desire, dancing in a kind of excitement that we may have lost in our daily lives. When was the last time you felt yearning in your life for anything? Took a real risk, and jumped into an adventure? When I speak with women who are restless, feeling numb in their bodies, bored with their lives, wondering if this is all there is in their relationship with their sexuality; it becomes clear to me over and over again that they are not looking for another person, they are looking for who they become when they have new experiences.

I know this up close in personal as I shared in my memoir; "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale, 2011). 

I am an explorer, but I am not reckless. I have a happy marriage of over 30 years, one that I wouldn't ditch for the world. But sometimes, I need to to ditch who I am in my marriage. I need to go out into the world, and become the other parts of me that I don't even know yet.

That's often when I feel my most alive, and for me a path to feeling aliveness has been through the erotic. I have wanted, and continue to desire to experience all of my new selves in a way that doesn't interfere with my marriage. And many women are single and want to have more aliveness too.  These feelings are not so different in marriages or in singleness, as we all get stuck in this place of  "everyday".

So how do you do it? How do you create this feeling of aliveness in your life? How do you explore all of your other selves? Okcupid? Maybe.

For me, so much happened literally on the massage table working with different Sexological Bodyworkers and attending retreats that created safe spaces for me to explore who I was in different situations. It changed everything for me; my relationship with my body, my relationship with my food (cured an eating disorder - I think I was like a bored bird plucking at it's own feathers), my relationship with my desires and my erotic expression.

I was literally reborn and living a very alive life.  I continue to plan for my pleasure and make it happen as well as help other women do it too.

I support other women to explore their sexuality, renew their feelings of aliveness, and experience their "other selves" through:

Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women

Private coaching where I support them in creating their own "Pleasure Plan" and learn new ways to create and keep these new found feelings in their bodies

Supporting women on their own journey working with Sexological Bodyworkers.

Right now there is a lot of hot going on; so many opportunities where you can explore you own desires for a new sense of aliveness.

Are you ready for that?

Email me to arrange a free consultation and I will not only hear your story, but I will tell you about all the very cool stuff that is happening between now and October! Just do it, email me at  Pamela@backtothebody.org and put Aliveness in your subject line.

I am creative and determined to support you in moving the obstacles out of your way so you can experience all of the other selves that are in you.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

 

 

 

What Kind of Woman Attends a Back to The Body Retreat?

"Know that the gifts you are giving are the kind that keep on giving, like a well seasoned meal that can be savored for a long time. Each of you offered gentle support and a safe place to work. Your example of bravery were inspiring. There's a lot to take home, memories to savor, lessons to be launched. You are my teacher.  Like a Sherpa guiding us to the mountain top. Thank you for the new and beautiful view!" - Back To the Body February Graduate The team at Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women is now offering our eighth retreat at our home nest in Victoria, BC.

So....what kind of woman comes to a Back to the Body Retreat?

  • Passionate and Powerful in their own lives
  • And they are ready for even more! They want to go deeper into being more of who they already are.
  • Personal growth is important to them.
  • They are curious about their own sexuality. They want to know more and go deeper. They already know on some level that their sexuality may the missing or essential link to a more fulfilling life.
  • They are interested in using sexual energy as a life force fuel.
  • They are ready to heal sexual wounds and shame.
  • They may be experiencing mid life changes such as menopause, divorce  or job changes.
  • They are ready to experience all that their bodies are able to offer them.
  • They want to play and have more pleasure in their lives.

Tell me more:

Many of our clients are simply curious. They want to learn more about their bodies and feel dis-empowered or disconnected from their own physical selves. Their relationship with their sexuality and their bodies have finally made it up the “bucket list”.  Sometimes they don’t have partners, or if they do have partners they don’t feel that their partners are meeting their sexual needs. My clients often feel unsupported and unappreciated sexually and want to have more pleasure in their lives.

Many are looking for safe ways to explore being more sexually adventurous either on their own or within a coupled relationship. Some of my clients are actively looking for a partner, and are looking inside their own sexual expression to see if the hold up is inside their own relationship with their bodies.

Some of our clients are not having the orgasms that they wish to have, and want to be able to explore their sexual desires in a way that will not bring them shame or ruin their lives.

Many of our clients are at war with their bodies. They want to love themselves deeply and don’t know how to. They get stuck when it becomes time to speak up for the desires, and often end up enduring sex rather than loving sex. They are ready to prioritize  sex in their lives, and often want to experience new sexual experiences. Our clients know that there is more to sex than they are having, and they are ready to figure out what that is. Most of our clients are in their 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's.

We are devoted to assisting you on your own individual journey to sexual empowerment, freedom and pleasure.

To learn more about the complete program please visit our website here.

We would love for you to consider joining us for our 8th retreat in Victoria, BC on July 3 through July 7. Retreats are limited to six women. There is one spot left for our July Retreat. Payment plans are available. http://www.backtothebody.org/

Email Pamela at Pamela@backtothebody.org to set up a free consultation.
And we have lots of graduates that are will than willing to speak with you!

Don't Break Up With Your Desire

I am surrounded by friends right now in my personal life who are feeling dumped. Truth be told, I'm feeling a bit dumped too. We can feel dumped in all sorts of ways. Someone we loved may not love us back. A project that we believed in may be getting dumped. Our boss may have dumped us. A friend or a group of friends may have dumped us, or a family member. And sometimes, we even dump ourselves. But here's the thing:

Don't break up your desire even if you feel dumped by circumstance, misled, or lost. You still know what your desire is. Right? You can feel it. What it is that you want in your life. It's okay to feel impatient for it. Feel the ache like a tooth exposed at it's nerve.

Don't shame yourself for trusting the path that you set yourself on, even if all the plans went wonky. All that happened is that you tried. All that happened is that you loved. All that happened is that you danced with your desire and your dreams.

Come sit with me in the compost for a little while. It's kinda warm here, and there is plenty of room.

Put a red rose between your teeth. The rose is important because you get to look foxy and the perfume of the flower helps ease the scent of the compost!

But don't discount the murk. There is life in the shit. Seeds full of hunger and desire ready to sprout.

Can't you feel it?

Kintsukuroi and The Heart/Vagina Connection

My day is often filled with speaking with women who are trying to connect to their vaginas. Some of the women that I speak with find it hard to get through the conversation without feeling physically ill. They may get a headache or an upset stomach. Some speak of an inability to feel their own vagina or any sense of aliveness in their genitals. Some are willing to make peace with this feeling, others sense that there is so much more life in their bodies and that somehow it is related to this somewhat unknown place between their legs. The feel a sense of  disconnection or brokenness.

And I keep coming back this week to this art form called Kintsukuroi.  This idea that an object can be made more beautiful after it's broken. It's value is not diminished, in fact the filling in of gold, silver or lacquer is used not only to repair, but makes the object more beautiful. What a metaphor for so much in our lives.

This is what I have learned. Our hearts can stretch to hold love, grief, devotion, and dreams. Our hearts can sacrifice, forgive and remember. And I believe that in female bodied persons, so can our vaginas.

We just have to be able to listen. And we have not been taught to listen to our own vaginas. So somehow we are getting static on this incredible line from our vaginas to our hearts and then back again to our vaginas. You see, they are wired together.

If we are feeling physical illness, numbness, and fear when we think about connecting to our own vaginas it's time to stop and listen deeply. Trust your vagina the way you trust your heart. Sometimes, we will need to practice Kintsukuroi and support the places that have worn thin with gold or silver. It just makes what we have more beautiful and more valuable.

And if your vagina is screaming at your heart to go away - listen to that too with a different ear. Why is she so scared and shut down? Perhaps it is time, to hear her pain and softly begin to coax her out of hiding. Speak to her about the practice of Kintsukuroi and tell her that you will go and get some gold, or silver.

After all, your vagina will ache for you, bleed for you, open for you and shut down to protect you. Pay attention to her. She has stories to tell you. Truths to share. She is valuable.

And sometimes, her silence is a cry for help.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

How Do You Feel Sexy?

Yesterday, was a big day for me. I did a "HuffPost Live" on meditation supporting your sex life. If you missed it; you can watch it here.

I was also brought in as a consultant to a big company that wanted insights into what made women feel good about themselves. What makes a woman feel sexy?

I think it's all about how we are able to "Pre-Heat" our own oven. But of course that begs the question; "How do we get that feeling in our own bodies and then how do we  sustain that feeling?

I love questions that ask "How?"  The honest truth is that on most days, for many women — our self image can really take a beating.

Many of us want to be seen as hot and sexy. And perhaps most of all, we want to feel like those women look in those women's magazines sipping a Margarita with knowing smoky eyes. We just know that they are about to have the most incredible experiences in the universe. Right? Maybe? Who knows but sometimes I feel confronted by them.

Seeing those images can make me feel just not enough. More than that — it is this feeling that I will never have in my life what I truly want because I don't look like that.  Heck, I got confronted with that on "HuffPost Live"!!!

There I was on my home computer with a bad computer angle while Emily the other woman being interviewed was this "glamorous" former Broadway actress! She had the make up, the perfect face and perfect body. And there I was in poor lighting not done up at all talking about feeling sexy! Wowsa!

But I sunk into my own practice and told myself just to feel it. And in the end - I did fine. But I was actually practicing on live video stream.

And it really doesn't matter how old you are, it can be really hard to look like the images of women that we are surrounded with on a daily basis. This is not news. But it's impact on women is still real.

And what is it that I want, and what many women want? It's a simple thing really...I want to be deeply desired, and feel free in my body. I want to be able to know that I am sexy from the inside out and truly believe it — all the time! I want to be able to walk around naked and not worry about my behind shaking in a bad way.  Perhaps this is simply universal. After all, I coach hundreds of women and they want it too — very badly. This is what I hear from some of my clients:

"I want to get so lost in my own wanton sexiness that orgasms flow from me like a waterfall. I don't want much — I just want to dance in my own inner sexy wildness! Is that asking for so much?"

I get it.

As I just shared, I have moments of feeling confronted with my own self loathing. It is shocking that I can still go to those places of calling myself names. After all, this true confession is being spoken by a woman who has professed to the world that I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by embracing my sexual pleasuare.

Am I a fraud — or am I simply real and honest? The fact is, that I have healed so much of the damage that I have walked around with for most of my life when it comes to my body image and my sexuality.

But everyday, when I wake up and my feet touch the ground, it takes a little bit of courage to love myself just as I am — and that is the truth. To say anything else would be to over promise healing like those 30 day miracle diets on television.

Recently in The Wall Street Journal was a great article, "Conquering Fear," which is all about those nasty little voices in our heads that tell us that we are not enough — that we are fat and stupid. That our bodies are ugly and that our boss hates us.

I know those tapes so well that I could sing along! My book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about my funny, sexy, unconventional path to falling in love with myself again in the most unbelievable way... And I did.

But on my book tour  there were all of these videos being made of me so that people can get to know me — and I get to watch them over and over again.

Every time I watch them — I get taken out of how I was "feeling" when I made those videos and I get stuck in how I believe I look. I hate my neck. My face is too round. I have a double chin in that angle. And I stop feeling sexy. Instead I get filled with self doubt and worry.

You see — I am a real woman. Isn't that reassuring? I am not going to give you pleasure platitudes and tell you that if you do this or that all of your inner fears will go away completely. They don't. But it can get better.

This is what I can promise. If you work on embracing who you are,  every single day just like a religious practice — things will change in your world.

In so many ways, it is like developing a healthy eating and exercising plan. There is a lot of self-encouragement and coaching that has to happen. I have to do it too — even now.

The voices of fear that tell us that we are not enough — or are broken in some way — don't ever really go completely away. But it gets better.

I hope that by showing up and being honest about how I feel and how I move through all of the hatefulness that I can throw at myself will inspire you to do it too. The fact is that most of the time these days — I feel smoking! I have a swagger to my step  and kick to my heels. I dress like a diva with a wink! And I still feel bad about my neck a lot.  You see — I still  have really big moments of self loathing. It's all a part of the process...

Self loving is a practice. Feeling sexy is a practice. Let's practice together.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Are You a Part of The Ten Percent?

Dear Shameless Beauty; Yesterday, I arrived in Seattle. I like to make a pit stop here and visit friends before I head to Victoria, BC. I am on my way to the February "Back to The Sensuous Retreat for Women". I got to share simple pleasures that are not so simple. Intimacy, laughter, and friendship.

Loving sacred community with all it's messiness and vulnerability. I have a soft spot in my heart for Seattle. Today is a day of 'more to come'. And it got me thinking. You see, I got to my day by sharing sharing "lotus lift meditation" with a girlfriend. What followed was a deep, sweet knowing conversation with another woman who knows what it is, and what it takes to have a relationship with one's own pussy as a life force energy.

Here's the truth ladies: having a relationship with your own pussy and through her your own erotic creature is a practice.

I am past 40, did the menopause thing, and I'm living a more sexually alive life than I ever had before.

It's all getting hotter - all the time. It's not about the hormones. I don't take any.

It's not about having socially acceptable body - I don't think I have one of those either.

It's not about so much that we are led to believe it's all about.

It's possible to have this by staying in connection with you own body which can be as simple as learning to hold your own pussy when you go to sleep at night, and wake up in the morning.

Learning to cultivate an ability to listen to and speak to your own genitals. And sometimes, that means being compassionate and bringing our genitals along to the party even when she doesn't really feel like it.

With some loving attention, our bodies can restore and come alive in ways that you cannot even imagine. I don't care where you are right now in your relationship sexuality. You can have more. I can have more. This is like our relationship with our own hearts. We can always uncover more and expand.

We just have to commit to start exactly where we are. I work with all kinds of women, and the women who commit to living a sexually alive life and are willing to practice even when they are not in the mood - are tapping into an energy in their body which is extraordinary.

I have begun to call these women "the ten percent". Because it's only about ten percent of the women who I come in contact with who are willing to truly go there, and keep going there. They are the ones who don't put stories and obstacles in their own way. The ones who think they have to lose weight first. Or figure out how to speak to their partners. Or believe that they don't have the money for this. There are so many obstacles that are really excuses for our own fear.

Perhaps it's the fear that if you try - it won't work. Perhaps it the fear that connecting to your own body will change your life. Then what?

Having a relationship with your own pussy IS huge. You are right.

And it's not only about having sex with another being. It is about how we are able to use arousal/sexual energy as a tool in our every day lives.

That's revolutionary.

Are you ready to start your own revolution? Start just where you are, and say hello to your genitals.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Join Pamela For a "Girls Day Out" at The Korean Spa in NJ and Seattle!

Dear Shameless Beauty, The journey began for me at a day out with the girls at a Korean Spa.  A day of getting naked and soaking in hot tubs with the girls. Getting scrubbed from top to bottom, meditating in fabulous crystal rooms and eating amazing Korean food. It's the ultimate "Girl's Day Out".

Now imagine doing this with me and a small group of like minded women! Do you like to laugh? Play? Talk about sex?

We will do all of that during our day together. And I will make sure that we take on:

Exercising our "wanting muscle"

Exploring our "Pleasure Ceilings"

Body Image and Sexuality

Speaking Our Desires

Creating a Pleasure Plan and Pleasure Manifesto

Sexological Body Work

Organic Orgasm

The Power of Arousal

Sex Magic

Relationships, Intimacy, Marriage and Dating

Fifty Shades of Grey Sex

And I will answer all of your intimate questions.

Details: Date: Friday, March 7th, 2014 at  King Spa 321 Commercial Avenue, Palisades Park, NJ

OR Friday, February 21st at  Olympus Spa, Lynnwood  WA

Time: 10:00 am to 5pm

The day includes:

Entry fee to Spa and access to all facilities

Massage and scrub

Foot massage or Alternate Treatment

Lunch

Snacks

And of course Pamela full on teaching, laughing and supporting you! Come retreat with me for the day, and get ready for the weekend in an entirely new way.

Imagine us playing, taking on the big and small stuff soaking in the pools, playing in the showers, sharing pleasure and possibility together.

Spots are limited: For more information and to hold your place - Please email Pamela at Pamela@backtothebody.org and put Shameless Girls Day Out in the subject line!

The Thrill of Uncertainty; The Comfort of Stability

I'm pondering relationship this morning. Falling in love is simple; one has only to yield to the passion. Digesting another person, however, and sustaining love AND the erotic is bloody work, and not a soft job. Intimacy turns into familiarity. Passion into being the ever present air that you breathe. You are necessary but not always noticed. But just try holding your breath. Do we really have to leave in order to be noticed? How do you desire, hunger for, and want what you already have?

The key may be in the balance of the thrill uncertainty and the comfort of stability as author, Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity) loves to state.  And you can create these experiences in your life - whether you are partnered or not (Yes, single people want this too - in their relationship to themselves or in their dating lives).

The key is creating these opportunities for uncertainty.  Suspending the need to know what will happen - and jumping.  And for some of us that may mean doing it with our partner or trusted experts to provide the stability in all of that exciting uncertainty!

That is why I have created retreats for women and couples along with my partners at "Back to The Body".

When we are partnered, the need to create excitement, adventure and uncertainty can be tricky without threatening the stability of the relationship. A private sensuous couple's retreat can provide all of these elements for a couple to touch that spark again.

The same can be true for single women for are craving excitement and uncertainty in their own erotic lives and it is not showing up in a way that feels stable or safe to them. Attending a "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreat for Women" and traveling to Victoria, BC for our core program or Tuscany to be with us in our Villa can also provide the same incredible sexy thrill of erotic adventure while reconnecting them to their own sensuous energy.

Sometimes, it can be as simple and as crazy as attending a retreat around sexuality to create the magic and thrill of uncertainty while knowing that you are ultimately in a stable environment.  Kinda like swinging on a trapeze and knowing their is a net underneath you!

Want to talk about it? Send me an email at Pamela@backtothebody.org and I would be happy to discuss creating a thrilling, sexy adventure for you and your beloved  whether that is another human being - or your beautiful self!