Four Hard Tips on Loving a Soft Penis

When men outreach to me; it's usually about their fears around having and sustaining erections. Men just like women worry about being enough and getting it on. And in our culture, it's all about penetrative sex (intercourse), big hard cocks, and staying power. But what if it's not? What if we allowed men to feel their bodies in different ways and as a result get to experience sex in the full spectrum of intimacy and pleasure? A hard penis is not everything when it comes to making love. It's simply  not all there is.

Going "Beyond Hard" Tips: 1. The number one myth of a soft cock is that the man is not feeling desire. This is simply not true. There are many reasons why a man has a soft cock before or during sexual activity that has nothing to do with his desire for you. So please do not take a soft cock as an indicator that your lover doesn't want you. It's sad that in our society we have been trained to believe that the signal of desire in a man is erection. Dump that myth.

2. Soft cocks can feel pleasure and can have orgasms. Many people ignore the soft cock. If he can't get it up, he can't have sex or orgasms.  Nonsense. The issue is that we have taught men that they are broken if they cannot get hard. So we shame them, and they withdraw. Men can experience pleasure, desire and orgasm with a soft penis. Some of the best masculine lovers I know do not have hard cocks. It's time to offer the soft cock the same appreciation that the hard cock can receive. Touch them, love them, and admire soft cocks - just like you would like to be desired, loved and admired. What if we allowed men to really feel the pleasure and intimacy of sharing a soft penis with their lover shamelessly?

3. Men are always expected to be "penetrative" not "receptive" when it comes to sex. In other words; their job is to be the "taker" and the "giver". He is the one who enters. During intercourse the penis may soften and along with that (if it is allowed and not shamed)  a man's heart may soften too. He may become more vulnerable with his lover and more open. The emphasis may shift in intercourse into a feeling that is perhaps more subtle and deeply intimate. If allowed, and not withdrawn it's possible for sexual energy to spread throughout the man's body and a feeling of connectedness may occur when he stops focusing on penetrating and simply floats in feeling and uniting with his lover's body.  What if everybody stopped performing sex and moved into feeling sex? As a sex educator, I spend a lot of time talking about women connecting their hearts to their vagina. What if men got to connect their cocks to their hearts too?

4.  When men are permission-ed to experience sexuality from a place of softness it's actually possible for them to experience what it's like to be penetrated by his partner energetically or with his partner's hands, or body to body. This is known as energetic sex and can be felt in the body of lovers as almost a meditative state of bliss. The love neurotransmitter Oxytocin can begin to flow between partners and lovers can experience a much deeper heart connection with less thrusting and movement. Think about bringing the focus to soft movements, breath, eye gazing, and body to body connection. How much can you feel everywhere?

Men who have lived their lives with erections and have depended on the "Hard On" to get it on, need to learn other ways of having penetrative sex. We can penetrate our lovers in so many ways; we just have to learn how. We simply don't teach men how to have penetrative sex without a hard on - and it can be amazing for the receiver to have something different than the usual offerings.

Men with soft cocks can learn how to "take" their partner just like a man with a hard cock. And there are opportunities to learn all kinds of ways to be the best lover you have ever been. Losing your ability to get a hard on or sustain one for a long period of time, might actually be a gift to your partner if you both can see it as an opportunity to learn what is available in the spectrum of sexuality and love making. Just getting hard and screwing can get pretty dull.

Sometimes, it takes what can feel initially like a loss to create an orgasmic opportunity!

Pamela and Mac Are Coming to Atlanta, GA and Asheville, NC!

I'm so excited! Sex educator, Mac S. McGregor and I are coming to the Atlanta, Georgia area AND Asheville, North Carolina (March 20th through 23rd in Asheville and leaving the Atlanta Area on the 24th). We are in town to speak at a conference, running a weekend of diverse workshops, find the workshop information here: https://www.facebook.com/events/773943422687523/ with two other incredible beings (Monique Darling and Peter Petersen). PLUS, Mac and I are offering private sessions for singles and couples (all genders and sexual orientations), while we are in the area. This is our first time teaching together and offering private sessions in Atlanta and Asheville.

Don't miss us. We don't want to miss you! Do you want to talk about the offerings and possibilities? Consultations are complimentary.

Shoot me an email at Pamela@backtothebody.org!

Loving you from here,

Pamela

The Orgasmic Edge: A Sex Tip of Exquisite Pleasure and Torment

I was introduced to what is known as "Edging", "Peaking, Surfing, or even "Orgasm Control" in my training as a sex educator.  And I have to admit that it is one of my favorite pleasures. I love to introduce sexual technique to women at Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women couples in private retreats, workshops and coaching sessions.  Frankly, I personally enjoy surfing it's pleasures and exquisite torment.  It is my favorite dish! Extended Orgasm is a sexual technique which may be practiced either alone or with a partner and involves the keeping the recipient of the pleasure in a high level of erotic arousal for an extended period of time while not letting them climax or orgasm. This can go on for a period of minutes or hours or even days!

When the choice is made to allow the recipient to climax or orgasm the physical sensations may be much more explosive, expanded and frankly more pleasurable than if the orgasm were experienced with it's usually build up and release. But there is much pleasure in the play!

Some people have described the experience of being kept in heightened states of arousal for long periods of time as producing euphoric states and altered streams of consciousness like "Erotic Trance".  Orgasm control prolongs our pleasure and heightens the experience of sexual sensations  that occur during the final build-up to orgasm. It's a powerful experience for both the giver and the receiver whether you are "in control" of your partners climax or if you are the one delaying your own release.

Orgasm Edging Tips:

1.  If you are going to share this with a partner, I would start with full body touch, almost like giving a massage. "The Giver"  gradually move towards the genitals and would stimulate "The Receiver" with hands, fingers, sex toys, gradually bringing them up to the point high in the plateau phase of sexual response where an orgasm is actually building. Then "The Giver" would gradually move away from the genitals and move the energy to other parts of the body or simply  reduce the level of stimulation to just below that needed to set off the climax or orgasm.

2. Another way of playing with this is to give control of the orgasm to "The Giver" and play with something called "Orgasm Denial". With this lovely game,  orgasm is not allowed for even longer periods of time in order to develop an increased level of sexual tension. Remember that "Orgasm Games" can take some practice. Both the giver and the receiver have to really get to know each others responses. But by carefully varying the intensity, depth, techniques and speed of stimulation and lots of practice a "receiver" can be held in the highly aroused state near orgasm for an extraordinarily long time.  When the orgasm or climax is "allowed" it can be described as "earth shaking" or even "overwhelming".

3. You can even bring in elements of "Fifty Shades of Grey" if you choose to experiment that way. Some people enjoy creating an additional layer of power elements into this game and the person who is receiving the extended pleasure, or denial is called the "Submissive" can be even be put into restraints and or blindfolds for an added rush of not being in control.  The technical term for this game is "Tie and Tease" or "Tie and Deny".

4. You can play alone! Orgasm control is a way to be more creative with solo touch practices and can also be a great training ground for our own personal orgasmic responses. Masturbation or "Self Pleasuring" allows each of us to learn our own orgasmic response and practice having control over timing, the kind of touch we enjoy, speed of stimulation and our feelings in getting close to orgasm and then backing off and starting again. The term "edging" has been more closely associated with the solo practice where we experiment with stimulation until we reach that place right before climax happens (the plateau phase) and then we just stop or back off the stimulation just before orgasm occurs.

Self Pleasuring is a great training ground for people who want to play this game with a partner because you are in control of  your own intensity and don't have to rely on a partner to "guess" where you are in the game.  Playing alone is also a wonderful way not only to vary self pleasuring but it's also an easy way to learn your own capacity and limits in edging.

Playing with Orgasm Control or Extended Orgasm or any of the variations of these games are all about making every stroke count. This is all about heightening pleasure. When we play with our arousal we are not just trying to "get off". We are turning orgasm into a feast instead of something to get done. Arousal can become an unexplored lands of moans, groans, giggles, laughter, power play, and ecstatic trance states. It's a beautiful way to build communication and a sense of playfulness between partners and interesting enough when "The Giver" learns to spread the arousal and sensation all over "The Receivers" body there is a learning that our erotic response is not just held in our genitals. It can be found in all the parts of our bodies like soles of feet, nipples. lips, and arm pits in equal parts! My invitation to you is to explore your orgasm! It can be more than something to get done. It can be a surf board to ride!

Screw Resolutions: 4 Tips On Creating Your Own Sexual Evolution

I've got something for you to consider. I don't have any New Year's Resolutions because I made one big resolution when I turned 50 and that was to turn New Year Resolution's into New Year's Evolutions! I declared that I was going to make my 50's the fullest I could possibly make it. It's a "Decade Evolution" where everyday is all about bringing it up, turning it on, molding my life, self examination and expanding the conversations in my life. I choose my fifties to be as intoxicating and productive as possible. I decided to fill this decade with giving generously to others, expanding the conversation around sexuality, knocking down walls, honoring my heart, new adventures, and a personal expanded sexuality. Ordinary simply does not interest me and I have let go of this idea of arriving.

Richard Dawkin's the evolutionist says that you don't wake up one day and find yourself to be old. You just very, very, very slowly go through all the stages of your life until one day you notice that you have gradually gotten lines on your face, or your hair has shifted to gray along with the rest of you. And somehow, without even noticing you have gone from mid life to old age. The evolution of your heart and sexuality is like that too.

You don't take a course, or work with a coach, or even do a retreat and wake up sexually evolved or have love and relationships handled. It's an evolution of becoming. Of opening your heart to new possibilities and experiences. It's about building new pathways in our bodies and in our hearts.

Collecting the data and processing it all. Slowly, slowly, slowly we work our way to a place in our bodies and in hearts that is a kind of arriving until the next place. It can happen so slowly, that you can arrive in this expanded place of being one moment after days, weeks, months or years of evolution. The journey is a gift not to be rush. Each evolution a turning point.

What about you?

What if you choose a New Year's Evolution instead of a Resolution around your relationship with your sexuality, your body image or your relationships. What would change in your life? Can I inspire you to flip New Year's on it's ass? Evolve instead of Resolve?

It's so much sexier!

Tip Sheet For Your Erotic Evolution:

Now that you get that this is not a THING you do to ARRIVE, but a delicious journey that you go, of course I have some ideas:

1.  BEND: Re-Define and Re-Imagine Relationship: There is nothing like learning to bend and not break. And I am not talking about learning how to do a yoga backward flip in bed as much fun as that could be! But after 50, we have done some living and you don't need the same things you might have needed in your 20's and 30's in relationship.  You may not need a partner to raise a family with. You may still be happy in your 30 year marriage but bored sexually. How can you re-define and re-imagine your current relationship or create a new one? Change your expectations around who your perfect love and sex partner may be.  Try letting go of  old beliefs about what you need to be happy in love and sex.

2. PRACTICE SEX: Re-Claim Your Libido:   It's true what they say: "Use it or Lose it".  Yes, I know you may be in peri-menopause or menopause. You have have physical body changes and emotional body changes after 50. But what if I told you that this could honestly be the hottest time of your life? That you can evolve hotter after menopause? I know that to be true. But if you don't practice being sexual you will numb out instead of firing up.  Self Pleasure, buy sex toys. Read erotica. Just do it.  Vibrators, lubricants, hormone replacement therapies and anticipation are a must!  What we actually do about sex, relationships, our relationship with our bodies and the choices we make in regard to our sexuality are crucial.  We need to practice being erotic!

3. Re-Imagine Your Sexuality: Do you flirt? Do you put on clothing that makes you feel hot? Who would you like to be sexually? How can you evolve there? There is so much out there in the world to support women after 50 to re-imagine, re-define and re-claim their sexuality. Consider working with a sexuality coach or go on a sexuality retreat created just for women. They do exist.

4.  Move the Fuck On: I know. Not very classy. But this idea of throwing this phrase at unpleasant situations, relationships, or ideas can be very freeing. Just say it out loud: "Move the Fuck On"! And it fits so many occasions! Good bye old belief about what I deserve in life!  I'm moving the Fuck On! See you later, unappreciative boyfriend!  "I'm moving the Fuck on! See you later 2014! I'm moving the Fuck On! You know, it even can work with the "WAH WAH WAH" voice in your head that tells you that you are not enough, not loved, appreciated or seen. Even THAT voice. Sometimes, you just need to just "Move the Fuck on" in order to feel hot and sexy in your own body.

Funny how things that change overnight often are years in the making. Earthquakes for instance. Plates deep beneath the surface move, shift, bump and grind for eons. All that subterranean actions sends up warning tremors, little rumbles that are often too small to notice. Until the big one hits, the one that shatters windows, brings down buildings, and snaps bridges in two.

You can be an an erotic earth quake after 50.

You really can evolve.

Why You Should Consider Living Beyond Your Means

I have this habit. I live beyond my means all the time, and I encourage others to do the same. Wow.  That's some risky advice, isn't it?

So what does it mean to live beyond your means?

"Our Means" talks about what we currently have in our lives. Staying within our means talk to limitations and living smaller then what you believe you have in your financial, sexual, and emotional boxes.  The rationale is, that if you stay within what you now you have and don't "over spend",  you won't get a short fall and get into trouble. It's all about not getting into trouble by "over doing".

Right. We don't want "Trouble" in our lives do we?  Or maybe...the issue in our lives is that by staying within all the various ways we stay in "our means" is creating a very boring life.

But here's the thing: In order to change your life, you need to transform your form or  "your means".  You need to risk and go outside of all of the obstacles you have created to "keep you safe".

If you stayed inside who you think you are and decided that your physical form, your age, your financial situation, or even your relationship with your sexuality was a hard form that you had to carefully stay inside in order to be safe - then how are you suppose to transform your life?

So how is living within your means keeping you stuck?

Perhaps you are not going on adventures in your life when you believe that "your means" is a family structures that "limits" your ability to try new things.

Is "Staying within your means" the story you have about how to dress yourself because of age, weight, or public perception?

Is "Staying within your means" choosing not to pursue a love relationship because it doesn't fit all the right boxes that you believe you need to have?

And what about money?  Am I really saying to spend more money than you currently have?  Maybe.  Or spend it differently. Skip the shoes and buy the adventure, or the experience.  Experiences push us to live beyond our means on every possible level, and keep us feeling alive.

Create "more means".  I totally believe that if you decide that you are going to live bigger than you currently are, that you should go for it, and expand your means. Figure out ways to grow the money so you can have what you want in your life. Figure out payment plans, "Pleasure Plans" and expansion plans at the same time.  Have the guts to do something different. Stretch! Let it be a little bit scary.  You don't have

Get rid of the stories, that "Living beyond your means" is selfish and irresponsible. I kind think that living "within" what ever story you have created for yourself that is keeping you from living your life in technicolor is a waste of a perfectly delicious life.

Tips for Bringing "The Playful" Back Into "The Sexual"

Sometimes even sex educators can really caught up in our own brains.  We think, and we write, and we talk about sex a lot.  And frankly, sometimes we talk the sexy and the pleasure right out of sex!  And if you are like most people, you want to get out of your brains just for a little while, and you want to get into your bodies. You are yearning to laugh and to play. And you just can't remember the last time that you played with your sexuality.  When was the last time you did something different? Some people even put their noses up in the air and make groaning sounds at the very thought of being sexual with their partners or with even with their own bodies.

To truly experience what it is to have sexual freedom, we need to cultivate our erotic imagination.  For each of us, our sexual freedom and playfulness lies in our ability and willingness to create a sexuality of our very own. Forget normal.  In truth, what works for doctors and some psychotherapists putting the human experiences into boxes of normal and not normal does not always serve us when it comes to sexuality.

What if we were each invited to view our sexuality as a work of art, and I handed you a blank canvas that was the size of the biggest wall you had ever seen, and an endless supply of colorful paints, pencils and markers. What if I invited you to fill this tremendous blank canvas with your erotic desires? What if you felt truly free enough to create your very own sexuality without shame, judgement or inhibitions? What if I invited you to play in your sexuality?

The human erotic imagination may be one of the golden keys to having an extraordinary sex life.  So many of us are raised with a spoken and unspoken understanding of what is allowable when it comes to having sex.  We are raised with this idea of what is "normal' and "approved" and what is not.  Quite literally,  for many of us our erotic imagination get's shut down and we are left with a very short list of what is allowable for us in our expression of sexuality. Everything else is somehow made "taboo" or "dirty" or "not normal".

That leaves us with either filled with shame over desires that we may think are wrong, or we simply become numbed out to the possibilities.

For others, we may simply have not explored how to cultivate our erotic imagination.  So what makes up our erotic imagination? What are some tools to free up and explore our erotic imagination:

• Sexual fantasy is a great starting ground.  Allowing ourselves to travel freely in our own mind and explore without shame or putting any labels of judgement around our sexual fantasies.
• Reading erotica and romance novels can be a great place to put your erotic flint to stone.
• Wandering through a sex toy shop can also be a great place to cultivate your erotic imagination. Walk around and handle the toys. Often there are books and videos to explore as well.
• Explore the idea of sexuality being playful.  When we play we are free to get things wrong, experiment, try on different roles, laugh and even be foolish. What if we looked at sexuality as play?
• Put on costumes.  And this idea is not just limited to women.  Erotic lingerie can be a wonderful tool to assist our erotic imaginations. I know men who put on superman boxer shorts to get into the mood.  Are they exploring their erotic imagination? I think so.
• We can all cultivate our own erotic imagination and create a sexuality of our very own.  Let go of "normal" and invite in exploration and play.  The possibilities for sexual expression is as vast and limitless as the human mind. Come play.

Let's see if I can conjure up some a  few more ideas for bringing the playful back into your sexual.

Let's get started:

1. For couples for who bored, feel like there is nothing new to do with each other and are stuck in a rut. Here is my all time favorite game. I call it, "What's in Your Basket?"  This is a couple's game. Go into a sex toy store...or go on line and each person gets half an hour to put toys in their basket. Sometimes, "Showing" our desires and fantasies is SO much less scary than "Telling".

The couple meets up and they get to look into each others baskets. Oh la la!  I bet you will find things in each others basket that you had no idea they were interested in. Remember that when your beloved brings you their basket, they are bringing you an incredibly intimate and vulnerable part of themselves. Please receive the basket with as much love, and kindness as possible. You may be truly surprised and delighted by what is in the basket, and you might be blown away too! That's great!

Now, each person gets to pick three things from the other person's basket that they are willing to explore. This is where "Consent" and "Boundaries" come in. When you pick the items in your partner's basket you are only consenting to exploring the toy or fantasies that the toy represents. You are not consenting to do it. You are consenting to explore it. Talk about it and then decide how much you want to play. And you just might be a "Hell Yes"!  And you might be a "Maybe".  It's also really acceptable to be a "No".  The hope is that you can find three items in each others baskets that you can be either a "Hell Yes" or a "Maybe" too.

It's a great way to begin the conversation of "what turns my partner on" as well as opening new playful doors for the two of you to explore. And it's fun! Amazing openings and play has happened with this delicious heart opening game.  Enjoy the conversations and experiences. Go to dinner after and then go home to slowly explore and savor the play that will unfold.

2. For all of us: Do you have a secret sexual alter ego?  You now, the sexual person you might want to be if you didn't have any rules around who you had to be in your real life as a sexual being? Have you ever spent time with your sexual alter ego? Playing on line with your secret sexual alter ego can be a lot of fun. Some people write blogs, develop Facebook pages, join sexy on line communities such as "FetLife" in order to explore and play with their secret sexual altar ego.  It's called having a "Scene Name". Some people even going out and  buying clothing for this part of themselves, and will go out in cities or areas of their town where they are not known, and enjoy  being seen in this part of themselves that they normally wouldn't allow anyone to see them.  This can be a lot of fun and very playful.  This can also be a way of "Trying On" parts of yourself.

3. Do something really different. There are so many different kinds of retreats, trips, meet ups, and centers for sex positive explorations. Sex stores in your community may be running workshops. Go. Getting out and explore some of your edges.  They are waiting for you.

The Healing and Rejuvenation Magic in Sexual Arousal

Female sexual arousal as a tool of health and creation in women is one of the most understudied parts of a woman's mental and physical health care.  A big part of the problem is that there is simply no funding for it.  Science is mostly funded by the Pharmaceutical Industry which is very interested in "finding cures" through medication.  As a result, most research in sexuality is funded around pain not the benefits of pleasure. But if we look closely at the pain research that is being done around sexual arousal we can find scientific validation that pleasure heals, and sexually arousal is a healing tool.

In a recent study on the benefits of sexual arousal and orgasm for treating pain by Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, a distinguished service professor at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, he found that orgasm releases a hormone that helps raise your pain threshold.

Dr. Komisaruk also found that stimulation without orgasm can also provide the same benefits. “We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache.”

Pleasure heals.  And I believe that the state of arousal may actually be the secret source of every woman’s power. If it wasn't; why would our genitals be the first thing that is attacked when society wants to subdue women? Throughout history, women have been severed, often  from their sexual energy, preventing them from using it for anything other than the service of men. When the circuit is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused, women numb out.  It's our genitals that are mutilated, our bodies that are raped so that we are so traumatized that we lose our power, and it is our sexuality that is even sometimes put under garments to cover all of us and make us invisible even to ourselves.

Learning to access and use arousal is the beginning of becoming whole

Arousal is the ignition switch of the female erotic engine, that potent driver of sexual energy that is life force itself. Is it any wonder that arousal heals?

It's time for a new understanding of  female sexuality. It stops being about merely the orgasm, the lover, the marriage or the commodity for sale.  It's about teaching women how core female sexuality is the fuel that lights up a woman from within.

When she’s in an aroused state, when the erotic engine is humming, mind and body collude to give her that instantly recognizable and enviable show-stopping ability. Think Cleopatra or Michelle Obama. Marital status, age, sexual preference, body size or health issues just don’t matter. This is for all women. When women learn how to tap into and access their arousal they rediscover or perhaps find for the first time that hotbed of energy to unleash each woman’s full potential.

When we stimulate the vagina (and yes, I mean all of the parts) we stimulate the production of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for sexual arousal. In an aroused state our senses are heightened, we are more focused, flushed with creative energy, self- confidence, highly motivated and just plain sexy.

We tend to race past this fertile and delicious state in hot pursuit of the orgasm. The “Big O” is something that we’ve been brainwashed to think is the only successful outcome every time we go near our genitals. In the mad dash to climax, we get gypped of a free,  organic state that doesn’t require anything other than giving your vagina attention.

The uniquely female life force, turned back on itself shorts out the vagina-heart-brain circuit. With the wires fried, women often find themselves disconnected from their own desires on the most basic of levels. Some women make themselves sexually invisible, consoling themselves with addictions (shopping, food, alcohol), or tumble into depression and anxiety. Many of these women are leaders in so many parts of their lives. CEOs to Supermoms, it doesn’t matter. When this circuit disrupts, the breakdown is often private and unseen to the casual observer. Too many women are still faking it on the deepest of levels when it comes to their relationship with their bodies. They cover up numbness and fear often with either compliance or anger.

So while the primary focus in accessing arousal is not about how to have great sex, you will. As one of my coaching clients said: “My boyfriend has not changed his techniques. Nothing looks different really from the outside, but damn – sex is hotter than it’s ever been in my life.” That’s what I am talking about.  I also believe that women who work with their arousal in an ongoing way, are on their way to find their own fountain of youth.

So how do you get started? It's really simple.  For many of us that means we need to by-pass the neo-cortex, hand-slapping, nay-saying part of the brain, and dive right into the pelvis. You need to put your attention on your genitals.

Start slow and easy, when you’re alone and there’s privacy. Wear your clothes or don’t. Whatever makes you comfortable.

In a comfortable seated position, feet firmly on the floor, cup your vulva, palm up, from the front with your fingertips pointing back.

With eyes closed, start rocking your pelvis back and forth.

Focus your attention on the sensations generated by your vulva filling your hand , your muscles clenching and releasing, your pelvis rocking

If you’re feeling adventurous, throw in some Kegels, squeezing and releasing your pelvic floor.

As your awareness of sensation increases–and it will– let yourself move and lean into the rock.

KEEP BREATHING

When you feel heat rising, when you start to feel pleasure, you’ve arrived in that juicy activated known as arousal. And you’ve done it without any of the usual agendas — no imperative to reach orgasm, pleasing a partner or satisfying a fantasy. This simple exercise can begin your journey of connection to your own body. It can mark the end of numbness. It can even heal.

One of my clients, we will call her Sarah, was so disconnected from erotic engine that she couldn’t identify pleasure in any parts of her life. She was sexually non functional, depressed and on heavy medication. She kept telling me that she couldn’t feel her genitals, that there was no pleasure there at all. So fully clothed, (we were working through video Skype) I asked her to cup her vulva and begin to softly rock her pelvis while learning forward . I coached her to allow her vulva fill to gentle fill her hand. We did this exercise quietly for about five minutes. When I saw that she was very relaxed and into her own body, and that her face was beginning to flush. I asked her is she could feel anything?

Sarah opened her eyes and tears begin to flow. ” I feel heat. I can feel my body!”

It was as simple as having her put attention on her genitals in a way that didn’t have to lead to anything other than feeling erotic energy.

Moment of awakening. The first step in getting the engine cranked and it’s so simple. It’s all about the arousal.

The Price of Desire

I love desire. I am a desire chaser the way some people chase storms. And we all know that people who chase storms, sometimes get caught in the hurricane. It's a risk that they take.  But they still chase storms. It can be that way with desire too. Desire's can come with a price tag.  But don't be frightened of price tags! Just know that they exist. Too many people work so very hard at avoiding their desires, because of their fear of the costs. But to me, to have a big beautiful burning desire, and to bury it is the biggest cost of all.  It's a trap to believe that once we get our heart's desire that this is where I trouble will begin. I don't buy that. What I do  believe that we all have a heart's desire. Many of us have more than one. It's a dream perhaps, or some kind of prize that we hope to one day have in our lives.  The women I talk to have desires around connecting to their bodies in a deeper and more fuller way. They want to play again in their lives. They want to not only uncover their desires, name their desires, but to experience them. And not all of them do. Why not?

Perhaps the price is too high, and they are looking for a bargain. You know, how to get your desire with double coupons or at a flea sale. And for others, they are willing to sell one's soul to the devil to get what they really want.

Sometimes, when we go exploring our desires we may find out that our lives just as we have them isn't quite right anymore. We may have outgrown our marriages, or friendships. If we go looking for what in our heart calls us, we may leave behind what was once so very precious. That's a pretty scary risk isn't it? Kinda like selling your soul? Reaching for those desires have a pretty hefty cost. But what about not reaching for your desires? That can be really expensive too.

If you stay where you are; tamped down, numb and perhaps very anger that is a different kind of selling of our souls - isn't it?

Rarely does anything worth happen come for free. And sometimes the price tag is  not as dramatic as selling your soul or making a decision to leave your own backyard to find it.

Sometimes, to find our desires we need to put aside time and money. We need to share ourselves with our loved ones and let them in on what our desires are.  We have to be willing to put ourselves first.

This is what I have learned in my life as a committed desire seeker.

1. You have to be willing to reach with a full heart for your desires.

2. You often have to let go of the past, after you have tasted and rolled around in your desires.

3. Fulfilled desires often do bring change and while change can be momentarily uncomfortable, it can also be amazing.

4. Your body can hold way more desire fulfilled that you can imagine.

If you can restrain your desires, put them aside and ignore them - maybe the desire is not great enough.  Understanding your desires, and deciding which desires should have your focus is a key.

Go on. Take on your desire.  Just check the price tag, and decide that you are worth it.

Cultivating Your Erotic Imagination

To truly experience what it is to have sexual freedom, we need to cultivate our erotic imagination.  For each of us, our sexual freedom lies in our ability and willingness to create a sexuality of our very own. Forget normal.  In truth, what works for doctors and some psychotherapists putting the human experiences into boxes of normal and not normal does not always serve us when it comes to sexuality. What if we were each invited to view our sexuality as a work of art, and I handed you a blank canvas that was the size of the biggest wall you had ever seen, and an endless supply of colorful paints, pencils and markers. What if I invited you to fill this tremendous blank canvas with your erotic desires? What if you felt truly free enough to create your very own sexuality without shame, judgement or inhibitions?

The human erotic imagination may be one of the golden keys to having an extraordinary sex life.  So many of us are raised with a spoken and unspoken understanding of what is allowable when it comes to having sex.  We are raised with this idea of what is "normal' and "approved" and what is not.  Quite literally,  for many of us our erotic imagination get's shut down and we are left with a very short list of what is allowable for us in our expression of sexuality. Everything else is somehow made "taboo" or "dirty" or "not normal".

That leaves us with either filled with shame over desires that we may think are wrong, or we simply become numbed out to the possibilities.

For others, we may simply have not explored how to cultivate our erotic imagination.  So what makes up our erotic imagination? What are some tools to free up and explore our erotic imagination:

• Sexual fantasy is a great starting ground.  Allowing ourselves to travel freely in our own mind and explore without shame or putting any labels of judgement around our sexual fantasies.
• Reading erotica and romance novels can be a great place to put your erotic flint to stone.
• Wandering through a sex toy shop can also be a great place to cultivate your erotic imagination. Walk around and handle the toys. Often there are books and videos to explore as well.
• Explore the idea of sexuality being playful.  When we play we are free to get things wrong, experiment, try on different roles, laugh and even be foolish. What if we looked at sexuality as play?
• Put on costumes.  And this idea is not just limited to women.  Erotic lingerie can be a wonderful tool to assist our erotic imaginations. I know men who put on superman boxer shorts to get into the mood.  Are they exploring their erotic imagination? I think so.

We can all cultivate our own erotic imagination and create a sexuality of our very own.  Let go of "normal" and invite in exploration and play.  The possibilities for sexual expression is as vast and limitless as the human mind. Come play.

Seducing Our Own Beauty: A One Day Retreat For Women in NYC

This unique play shop limited to ten women will combine the transformational and healing art of photography, telling our body stories, self adornment and being witnessed in our own unique beauty. Join Pamela Madsen, Internationally known sex educator specializing in the needs of women, author of "Shameless" and Co-Visionary of " Back To The Body: Sensual Retreats For Women and Lori Berkowitz acclaimed Boudoir Photographer for a day that will leave you feeling transformed, turned on, and down right sexy.

Date: Sunday, December 7th

The Experience:

In a circle of ten beautiful women we will create a circle of safety and possibility.

Pamela will lead the group in a full body grounding meditation where we will explore the power of our own sensual energy (clothing on).

All of us will share our body stories. Our "Body Stories" are literally the story of our own body and our relationship to our bodies.

We will explore the role of body image and sexuality and how the use of lingerie/intentional clothing can change how we feel in our bodies. Each woman will have the opportunity to play in her own lingerie and try on new pieces. Can you say let's play "Dress Up"?

We will discuss Boudoir Photography and it's roll in supporting women to feel seduced in their own bodies. Each woman will receive a 20 minutes session with Lori and receive five images from the shoot that she will be able to view in her own private gallery. Each woman will be receive coaching from Pamela during their shoot.

Lori’s photography combines decades of professional experience with her innate sensitivity, to give her clients permission to let go and inhabit their most sensual selves during the sessions. She wants to know “what makes you feel beautiful?” and then holds up her lens as a mirror for women to see the stunning beauty in their own reflection. By creating a safe space for women to lavish in their inner glow, she’s giving women an empowering gift.

“Each woman’s sexuality is like their thumbprint, and what excites me most is capturing that unique essence, and having it spark a fire of self love inside my subject”. Lori Berkowitz

Lori’s boudoir shoots are “opportunities to press the pause button on life”, and engage real women in feeling the strength of their own beauty. “Day to day our sexuality is diluted in our different roles as women,” Lori says “These images become a tangible reminder to see yourself as a whole, and to let go of the prevailing media vision of what a woman is supposed to be.”

Imagine combining the magic of working with both Lori and Pamela? What better gift to give yourself or someone you love?

A hair and make up artist will be on premises to support each woman to feel her best.

Lunch and a wine and cheese lingerie reception will close the day with the women having the opportunity to share their pictures with each other.

Investment: $500.00

To reserve you place email Pamela at Pamela@backtothebody.org

This retreat may be the perfect first step into your own healing work with your own body or jump in further! Yes....this really is "one size fits all". Come alone or even consider doing this retreat with a girlfriend, a sister or even your mother.

To Learn More About Pamela Madsen: visit her website at http://www.PamelaMadsen.org/

To Learn more about Lori Berkowitz Photo please visit her website at http:www.loriberkowitzphoto.com

The Art of Being Sexually Selfish! A Complimentary Tele-Seminar

Join Pamela Madsen and Neal Wecker internationally known Certified Somatic Sex Educators with over 30 years of combined experience in adult sex education for a unique complimentary tele-seminar on exploring the state of sexual selfishness. Learning how to receive and be sexually selfish is essential for deep arousal especially for women. For women,their erotic excitement has to be able to break form from 'taking care of others' to a place of valuing and living their arousal.

The 'Art of Being Sexually Selfish' will explore ways for women to break through their barriers for the pleasure that they desire and deserve. The reality of the need shows up so clearly in the fantasy about being utterly taken, taken without her having to care about someone else in her experience of surrendering. Come and explore the 'Circle of Consent' and so much more.

The call will take place on Tuesday, August 26th at 5pm PT/8pm ET. After the call Pamela and Neal will stay on the line to answer questions about Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women and private sessions.

Self Register for this Complimentary Seminar Here

We hope you can join us!

Do You Have Slut-Ish Interrupt-us?

It can happen at anytime - seemingly without warning.  One day, your stop reading hot erotica, looking for quiet alone time to self pleasure, and rather watch "Masters of Sex" than actually have sex.  You find yourself more interested in green juice cleansing, yoga and meditation than orgasm.  You may find it very confusing; after all you may have been the "IT" girl. You know, the girl who always wanted "IT".   Yes, you might have been "The Slut".  The woman that not only wanted sex, but you may have been the woman who sought out new experiences from threesomes, to bi-sexuality to live reenactments of "Fifty Shades of Gray".  Or you may just have loved sex within your fabulous monogamous marriage, and now you rather order in a pizza.

You are not alone.  You have "Slut-ish Interrupt-us" a term recently coined by the legendary sex educator and pleasure activist Carol Queen.

It happens.  And there is hope for all of us women who wonder where that hot woman went. She is not gone; she just may have had an estrogen dive in Peri-Menopause or Menopause. She may be busy with little children or recovering from a pregnancy or infertility. And quite frankly she may be bored.

Let's be clear, for women of "a certain age" which can happen anytime in our forties and land like a lead balloon in our fifties; the estrogen dive is not fun. Low estrogen can result in painful intercourse, lower libido and vaginal dryness: OUCH.  And you can see your gynecologist for solutions! And for women dealing with little kids and pregnancy; Slut-ish Interrupt-us can be helped by creating some space away from all we hold dear. but I think for all women who have left their beloved slut behind, a central cause can be boredom.

I think that sexual boredom is the most overlooked issue in Slut-ish Interrupt-us.

Do you have a "Pleasure Plan"? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I spend hours everyday “channeling the Goddess” in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a “Pleasure Plan” and often that means reaching out of the box.  How do we feed ourselves pleasure? When was the last time you have given yourself something different?

My bet is that it has been a long time since you have invited your inner slut out to play and that is why you have simply crumbled and find found yourself in a very long season of discontent.

Screw that.  You remember what it was like: Right?

Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own “Year of Pleasures”. Start a journal about it.  Start a Pleasure Plan Blog. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

It just doesn't look one way and to bring back your inner slut you may have to go digging into your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure. How about declaring an end to Slut-us Interrupt-us?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing taking on a sex coach or joining forces with a girlfriend. You will need support.

2. Layout your calender and your finances! Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a “Pleasure Retreat”. I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn’t have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! Tantra anyone? Want to dance in a Red Tent? Explore coming Back to Your Body?

5.  Explore reading memoirs about other women who are in the midst of a nose dive.  Go "Eat Pray Love" and see how you can somehow create something like that in your life. Don't know what I am talking about? Read my book! Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner!

Face your life, and look to your desires, leave no path untaken.

The point is to make a plan. These are some ideas to get you started, and an offer of help. You don't have to wave good bye to those days of living a hot sexy life. You just have to wake yourself up.

So, do you have a “Pleasure Plan”? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I spend hours everyday “channeling the Goddess” in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a “Pleasure Plan” and often that means reaching out of the box.  How do we feed ourselves pleasure? Perhaps it’s not the story book romance that we thought we would have in our lives. Or our marriage beds have cooled, or there isn’t a partner at all. Or maybe we just want something more or different? What then? Do we simply crumble and find ourselves in a very long season of discontent?

Screw that. Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own “Year of Pleasures”. Start a journal about it.  Start a Pleasure Plan Blog. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

It just doesn’t look one way. And without support you are as likely to drop your Pleasure Plan as the next Green Diet Cleanse!

I am dedicated to living a life filled with pleasure, and I love to inspire pleasure appreciation in others. It’s my work, and it’s my passion. Pleasure is my creative rocket fuel for all the parts of my life – and it can be yours too.

It’s okay to go digging in your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure.  January1st is just around the corner. Why not begin to plan for a new kind of New Year’s Resolution? How about declaring your own “Year of Pleasure”?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing a coaching series with me! The Queen of Pleasure! Let me help you tap into what you want, and let figure out how to get it.  Set up a free consultation to talk about setting up a “Pleasure Plan” for yourself.

2. Layout your calender and your finances! Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a “Pleasure Retreat”. I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn’t have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! If you are a woman – consider joining me, Ron and Neal at our May “July 3rd Back to the Body Retreat  limited to only six women.

5. Consider a private retreat with a hands on practitioner, and go on your own Shameless Journey……and yes…..of course I can help you there too!  I can help you plan a private mini retreat for yourself, working with me and a Sexological Bodyworker. We also create private mini couple’s retreats. Email me, we can talk about it!

- See more at: http://pamelamadsen.org/a-year-of-pleasure/the-importance-of-having-a-pleasure-plan/#sthash.h6UHNcUR.dpuf

So, do you have a “Pleasure Plan”? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I spend hours everyday “channeling the Goddess” in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a “Pleasure Plan” and often that means reaching out of the box.  How do we feed ourselves pleasure? Perhaps it’s not the story book romance that we thought we would have in our lives. Or our marriage beds have cooled, or there isn’t a partner at all. Or maybe we just want something more or different? What then? Do we simply crumble and find ourselves in a very long season of discontent?

Screw that. Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own “Year of Pleasures”. Start a journal about it.  Start a Pleasure Plan Blog. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

It just doesn’t look one way. And without support you are as likely to drop your Pleasure Plan as the next Green Diet Cleanse!

I am dedicated to living a life filled with pleasure, and I love to inspire pleasure appreciation in others. It’s my work, and it’s my passion. Pleasure is my creative rocket fuel for all the parts of my life – and it can be yours too.

It’s okay to go digging in your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure.  January1st is just around the corner. Why not begin to plan for a new kind of New Year’s Resolution? How about declaring your own “Year of Pleasure”?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing a coaching series with me! The Queen of Pleasure! Let me help you tap into what you want, and let figure out how to get it.  Set up a free consultation to talk about setting up a “Pleasure Plan” for yourself.

2. Layout your calender and your finances! Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a “Pleasure Retreat”. I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn’t have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! If you are a woman – consider joining me, Ron and Neal at our May “July 3rd Back to the Body Retreat  limited to only six women.

5. Consider a private retreat with a hands on practitioner, and go on your own Shameless Journey……and yes…..of course I can help you there too!  I can help you plan a private mini retreat for yourself, working with me and a Sexological Bodyworker. We also create private mini couple’s retreats. Email me, we can talk about it!

- See more at: http://pamelamadsen.org/a-year-of-pleasure/the-importance-of-having-a-pleasure-plan/#sthash.h6UHNcUR.dpuf

Yes is the only living thing....

I hear an enormous amount of noise and encouragement around the word "No". And "No" is a great word. No can protect us and free us, and allow us to rest. But what about the word "Yes"? I want to hear more about what saying "Yes" can do for our lives. e.e. cummings says "i imagine that yes is the only living thing". I imagine that too. When I want movement, it usually involves a yes. Or excitement. Or taking on something new. Or desiring change. When someone offers me an amazing opportunity and I'm not sure how I am going to do it; I say "Yes" and figure it out later.

I understand that you still might say "No, I will never do that."or "No, that's not who I am." or "No, that's just too scary."

And I will say "watch me say yes." It's okay to say Yes. It can be safe to say "Yes". It can feel couragous, freeing, affirming and extraordinarily loving to ask those around you to say "yes" to you and your dreams and your desires.

Yes can open doors and fill our world with a sense of aliveness and sparkle. Yes is so much sexier than, "I can't" or "I shouldn't" or "It's impossible". In the space between yes and no, there can be a lifetime, an adventure, a transformation. Yes can be the gateway to learning how to receive in your life.

Yes is the difference between the path you walk and one you leave behind; it’s the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; it’s the legroom for the lies you will tell yourself in the future.

Consider Yes.......

The Season Of Your Discontent

I know that feeling. It's the "Season of Your Discontent" and it can feel like anxiety or restlessness, or sadness, or even depression. And here is the thing: If you don't change directions, you are going to end up where you're headed. And you might really love where you are going and you might really be more than fine with where you land. And you might stay in that season of discontent for a really long time. I'm not sure when it hits. And I think it hits at different times for different people.

It's that feeling of being restless, annoyed, bored, just a little pissed off all the time, and being full of feelings we just can't name. And some of "the restless" are too scared to change direction; they are stuck like a sailboat caught in "irons". They can't move, but they are right on course.

Dear Restless, this blog is for you. I believe that if you stay on the course you are on, you will go from numb to bitter to destroyed.

But here's the deal, if you find it within yourself to do something different something will change. And I can pretty much nail the outcome for you.

You will awaken. And trust me, there is nothing like "awakening".

I know - awakening sounds incredibly sexy, messy and scary to some people. Let's face it. This may mean letting go of a lot of our stories. The biggest one that might need to go first - is letting go of our hunger for approval.

You may actually need to say "No", and we are going to do things my way for a change. You might need to "spend" time on yourself. You may need to do something completely out of the box that you might not even want anyone to know about. You may need to actually spend money, find baby sitters for your children or care takers for your parents, or tell your partner that you are taking off for a bit.

What if there was pleasure outside of the pleasure of pleasing and "getting it right"?

Whoa! I get it - you might face some pretty annoyed folks who are used to you playing just the same way you have always played. And if you are anything at all like me, you hate getting it wrong, being rejected, judged or criticized. I have been a people pleasing addict for most of my life. It hurts me more than anything to feel like I have failed someone. But you are giving away your creative and spiritual life in order to be "Liked" and "Respected".

And what about failing yourself? How alive, awake, turned on are you willing to be? All I know is that life is going by very fast these days. Maybe it always was. But I am feeling it more and more.

I think it might be time for all of us to change direction. It's time to get serious about what we really want in our lives. What about pleasure, joy, a feeling of true accomplishment about something you really care about? Is it time to shift your perspective and perhaps your priorities?

Please don't tell me that now is not the time, but you are going to do "This" soon. That you really want "This". But you have to save more money, or the time is not right, or you are too fat, or too old, or too stuck and nothing ever works anyway.

It's time to experiment with radical imagination and live your great big sexy life. Go on, create a" title "Pleasure Plan" and get someone on your team. If that's not me, then get someone else. But get yourself an professional cheerleader, mess maker, advocate and ball breaker! Someone who will laugh with you when you fall on your butt and clap for you when you get up. Someone who will pull you by your resistant ankles who you will kiss on the mouth later!

But do something. I promise you this; if you don't get some crazy ass new stuff on your calender you will stay on the same course. Really. I know. If you need to justify this - I promise you that your work will get better. You will be more creative and more abundant. You will look more beautiful without doing a thing. Life will start paying attention to you in ways you just can't imagine.

And if you make a great big fucking mistake - does it really matter? Trust me, the purple will wash out of your hair!

Female Erotic Energy As a Tool of Empowerment

Women suppress the erotic, the sexual, the sensuous because we have been taught that it's through the suppression of this incredible life force energy that we will be respected and achieve in the world - yet this notion could not be farther from the truth. Few women want to be regarded as a "slut", or dismissed by seeming too "sexual" or vibrant.  We learn to hide our sexual connections, desires, and even our sex positive friends. We don't want guilt by association. It's through this learned suppression that women have learned to distrust our own bodies.

I invite you not to dismiss the erotic. For when we do, we are turning away from our own organic power source. When we buy into this belief that woman can only achieve greatness by denying our sexuality - we learn to deny it, or believe that it does not belong to us - we stop exploring it. We turn away. And we give up a wealth of information and understanding about the uses of the erotic in our lives.  We literally zap our power.  The truth is, you may be powerful and successful right now in this place of erotic suppression. You may be making six figures, and be in the lime light.

Imagine what you could be doing and feeling if you had it all: full access and understanding for the uses of erotic energy in your life.

How do we allow our precious selves to live a life without access to our own fullest potential?

What is there about this paradox of beliefs? If we are taught to keep our sexuality small in order to achieve professionally or in relationship and our true power lies in learning how to access and use the tools of the erotic for our creativity which is our life force energy - is there some kind of weird conspiracy going on? Remember women really did just get the vote!

The message to women is confused. Be small sexually to achieve. Tamp down. But erotic energy is powerful, and if women are permission-ed and taught to use their erotic energy in all aspects of their lives - are we threatening something?

It's in this confused sexual environment that women who seek to explore and reclaim their own erotic potential face. And it can take incredible amount of courage.

Even among the sexually enlightened and conscious thinkers, I wonder if there is still some fear of sexually empowered women - just under the surface. And women feel the fear and tamp down. We want to be held, loved, adored, melt.  Somehow we have gotten this idea (because most women have been carefully taught), that we need to be small to get that. We may feel like we risk a lot to be our full selves.  The fear of being dismissed or marginalized because we are not seen as "Proper" is real for many.

On some level the sexually enlightened woman is dangerous and dare I say it - "unGodly".

When women learn how to bring our erotic energy into all aspects of their lives everything can change.

The sexually empowered woman can not only feel fully, she can bring that energy into all of her life's endeavors. It's powerful. You become a force of nature. Men actually have to show up to meet you. They can no longer be small either. Not to be in your life. And not everyone is ready for that.

Understand his fear, societies fear, or you own - as you embrace, uncover, and actualize your power.

The erotic if we can embrace, understand and nurture it's energy is the pilot light within yourself. When we allow ourselves to release it, this energy can flow, color and heighten all areas of your life: whether it is cooking,  money making, painting, dancing, teaching, mothering, fucking, or examining your own ideas and life.

Sex For One: Tips For Women Under 50 and Happily Ever After

Somehow we get it in our heads that we need a partner for sex. And while partnered sex can be fabulous and exciting, it never takes away from our need to become an expert in our own eroticism. .

I had one of my clients say to me; “If I have to do it for myself, it's not worth anything”. Oh contraire. Sex for one is not a lousy second prize. It can be a delicious meal that we get to eat just for ourselves.

It's also important part of being a woman. For younger women self pleasuring can help them learn their own bodies in a safe, private and shameless environment. Becoming an expert in our own erotic landscape is an important part of becoming a self sustainable sexual being. This early on self exploration can set up younger women for a lifetime of full on sensual pleasure.

The most successful partnered sex interactions involve people who can understand their own sexual desires and what makes them feel good. If we are comfortable in this knowledge, it is an amazing gift to not only bring to ourselves, but to our partners.

For single women and women after 50, self pleasuring can become a vital means of keep their vaginal health. Without sexual play, vaginal walls become thin and can create an atmosphere of easy tearing and painful intercourse.

And there is lots of research that show that women who self pleasure (masturbate) on a regular basis report an over all better relationship with sex, sexual satisfaction is higher and they just feel better about everything to do with sex.

So, how do you make self pleasuring a better experience?

1. Set the stage. You are going on a date with yourself. What kind of a date are you? How are you going to show up for yourself? Think about putting on music, sexy clothing if that turns you on, and maybe lighting a candle for yourself.

2. Take a long sexy bath and consider beginning your “foreplay” there. The bath or shower is a very private place if you share your home with others. And, the bath and shower can be a delicious self pleasuring tool. Water can be an incredible tool for arousal and orgasm. Use the hand shower or prop yourself up so that the water stream can hit you in just the right place. Just play in the sensations. You can add in your hands to bring yourself more intensity. Experimenting with water and self touch can make you feel like you are on your own erotic adventure. If you have a hot tub with jets, put your body in just the right place and you can have sensations that you have never felt before. Be curious and playful with yourself! Play with distance and angles of the water stream.

3. Your own hands on your own body may be one of the best sex tools around. Consider not being genital focused to begin with. Use some lovely coconut oil (or lotion of your choice) and give your body some delicious all over touch. Play with your hair. Touch your breasts. And all of the rest of you. Some women do not have breasts due to cancer. Allow your hands to come to where your breasts were, or over reconstruction. Your fingers have memory of the sensations. Allow the memory to come through.

Touch yourself where it feels good to touch yourself. Move your body. Allow yourself to make sounds. Make touching yourself your own activity. There are no rules. When we are children we train ourselves to be “quiet and quick” when it comes to masturbation. We don't want to be caught. Well, you are all grown up now. Make noise and take your time.

Try holding your vulva and simply rocking to begin with. Start by using the palm of your hand and apply gentle pressure by gently pushing down. You might also like a deeper pressure. Experiment with what feels good to you. Sometimes it feels good to start slowly and gently awaken your own arousal. Take your time (how many times am I going to say that?). Gently touch or pat your clitoris with one finger. Some people like to use their pointer or middle finger to start. Play with the pressure and the speed. Use lubricant if you feel dry, it will increase your pleasure.

4. Consider bringing in the toys! Self pleasuring toys are available almost everywhere these days and many of the shops that carry them are run by women. If you don't have such a shop by you, you can order on line from many of them. There are so many different toys to choose from in every price range and style. Experiment! Buy a few and spend time with each one. I tell my clients to go on a date with their toy! Use it all over your body, not just your genitals. If you are not having intercourse in your life on a regular basis, consider bring an “insertable” toy into your self pleasuring practice for pleasure and for vaginal health. Women have an incredible range of pleasure possibilities inside their vagina and pelvis. Explore them!

5. Explore parts of yourself that perhaps you have never explore before like your anus. Anal play can be very sexy and most women don't go near their anus. You can begin by simple using your hands and give yourself a massage. There are also anal vibrators, beads and anal plugs that you can buy to add to your own self pleasuring experiments.

6. Read yourself sexy! Erotica can be an incredible turn on and can enhance your self pleasuring experience.

Take the time to love and explore yourself. Sex for one is not less. Its a full and delicious meal.

Do You Ever Feel Like The Queen of More?

I have been "The Queen of More" for a great deal of my life. Sometimes, that desire for more has served me in spaces of creation. But in other times, that desire for more has brought me to my knees. I doubt that I am alone. This is what is true for me now.

I am sitting in the richness of moments. My legacy of wanting more is something that I am looking at with fresh eyes.

In truth, I find the richness in my memories are not of  the "More" that I was seeking.  They are in moments. It's the moments that keep me company. It is the moments that I allow into my body, heart and soul that I remember.

It is a kiss on a street corner. An experience with a lover at a bar, connecting eyes, a smile and a wink of recognition with a stranger on the street. It has been on retreats, on a massage table for a session, a conversation that is full between friends.

It is the bites.

So many of us get lost in making plans and tying things down in our search for groundedness. But that is not where we will find aliveness. Aliveness is in the moments. In the possibility of opening to just that.

In flying in groundlessness, in letting go of our attachment to more we may find true pleasure. If we can allow it.

Now that would be doing something different.

200 Shameless Women Share About Sexological Body Work

Sometimes, it feels like I am leading a movement. It's about women reclaiming their bodies or perhaps even finding their bodies for the first time through non judgmental full body touch. I have worked side by side with "Sexological Body Workers", "Somatic Sex Educators, or "Hands on Sex Therapists/Practitioners for over ten years now, and through Back to The Body for close to three years since the publication of my book; "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner" (Rodale 2011).   Since that time, over 200 women has passed through me whether it has been through coaching, private retreats, or Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women.  I have held their hands, processed their experiences with them before and after their hands on sessions, and I have kept in contact with many long after they have moved onto other things.

I knew when I shared my story that I was sharing something big for women.  I knew that when we learn through pleasure, that big things can change in our lives. How we feel about our bodies, our relationship with food, addiction,  our interpersonal relationships, and our potential in the world. I knew, because  I did it. And what I am finding out by supporting other women to do this work over the past three years in a very intensive way, is that it is the same for most of them too.  And I want to share our lessons from the massage table. I want to share, because I want to inspire our women too. Our arousal is our internal pharmacy and we can access it through touch.

Lessons Learned:

1. Being held in complete attention and presence from another being while being naked and receiving touch was perhaps the most healing aspect of this experience for almost all of the women.  Somehow, we don't get that in our "regular" lives.  I can't explain why women don't feel totally seen by lovers and husbands, but when a practitioner is totally focused on you for 90 minutes (or for as long as you create your session), and you do not have to be focused on your partner, lover, husband - it creates a space for you to simply receive attention - and that has created huge healing opportunities for almost every woman I have spoken to.

2. Learning to love our bodies through the pleasure of touch. As one woman put it recently, "When he put his hand on my thigh and I experienced my thigh as being full of pleasure instead of fat and ugly - it was a huge relief." When we are able to feel our bodies in pleasure instead of judgement it can create a change in how we see and feel our own bodies. Women with eating disorders have found incredible healing in their body distortion issues by closing their eyes and simply feeling their bodies through touch.

3. Women have reported their first orgasms and feelings of arousal for the first time. Many women can't ask for what they want erotically because they don't know what is possible. By working with someone that is educated in touching a woman's body, women are learning what feels good to them. They simply don't know what they don't know! And once they do know, they are able to bring that learning back into their lives and to their lovers.

4. Women have reported that doing this work has helped them understand their desires and their own personal boundaries in a new way. With coaching and hands on work, they are becoming stronger and more able to speak their desires, and their own boundaries. This shift has rocked open their worlds.

5. Woman have reported a tremendous expansion in what they see has possible in their own lives on every level after spending time doing somatic sex therapy. They have reported feeling more courageous, self confident and willing to take risks when it comes to their jobs and even creating more financial abundance.

6. Women have reported that they finally understand how to open, and surrender to touch and to their own hearts. On the table women are able to practice vulnerability and being open in a safe way - where there is no judgement and where they know they will be held. The experience of finally letting go can change them forever.

And here is what is true. Very few women get what they want in a single session. In a single session most of the women can see what is possible. But what I tell women is to give us a year. Start the dialog with your own body, and stay with it for one year - and see what happens.  Time on the table is a practice.

It can take a season for a bulb to grow a stem, then a bud. The bud can often open over a few days. You need to be patient for the gorgeous flower.

How many metaphors do you want? If you are able to stay with this practice and allow yourself to go through the shifts and change that this work can bring you - I believe that you will find yourself transformed.

Time and time again, I have seen it. Time and time again for ten years I have been climbing on the table to do my own work. I am still peeling back the onion of my own transformation. I am filled with awe in what is possible through touch. I wish that more people knew about this.

The good news is: Our tribe is growing.

Attention Seattle!

A series of workshops presented by the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture Arousal, Pleasure and Exchange with Pamela Madsen

Saturday, May 10 at 12:00pm

at Center for Sex Positive Culture Annex

• 18+

Pamela Madsen is a fearless advocate for women’s health and integrated sexuality. During her 25-year career, Pamela has leveraged her raw honesty and well-informed wit to help strip the stigma from infertility, female desire and pleasure, body image and weight. The willingness to use her personal struggles to have children, discover her innate sexuality and find self-esteem has made Pamela one of the most accessible and relatable figures in the vanguard of women’s wellness.

Join Pamela for 3 workshops over 3 days.

To learn more about the workshops and buy tickets go here!

Sadness Can Be a Lover

You can't out travel sadness. Better to plumb it's depths. Open your mouth and swallow sadness as if it's your lover. Embrace despair, wrap your legs around it and have your way with it. Because if you can really go there, sadness can both heat you up and make you shiver. If you let it, sadness can help you redefine ecstasy and springboard you into a brand new life. Really.