The "Flexible" Marriage

Have you read Sex at Dawn which makes the case that we humans are at our core not monogamous creatures? That in many ways monogamy is a societal concept - imposed on us by religion and many other factors. I loved the book, but for me personally it's a big leap from there to being fully polyamorous or in an open marriage.

And yet my memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about wanting more....and staying married.  My personal ethos keeps evolving, but the same question keeps being raised: So, how do you get more - and stay monogamous? Or how do you expand on monogamous but stay out of OKCupid?

Is there a solution outside of going from marriage to marriage in a serial monogamy routine that so many of us fall into because we need more on some level? Is there something in-between monogamy and full out polyarmory or open marriage? Right now this is a hot topic in the world of sexuality and relationship.

Is "Polyamory" the  new more accepted term for  "Open Marriage"? We are certainly hearing that term more and more and some are saying that it is next big sexual revolution. I am living something else - which I call the Monogamish Marriage. Which is a kind of  middle ground of sorts.

Sexuality and relationship is all about taking what works for you and your partner and leaving the rest. I love the idea of creating a sexuality and relationship that is all your own. But we can learn from what others are doing. And I do. All the time. When I first thought of the term "expanded monogamy" I thought that I had coined a new term. But a quick search on google turned up several references to expanded monogamy with different definitions. In my version of expanded monogamy - a couple sets the rules of sexual exploration that fit with their own set of personal boundaries that in my own rule book does not include taking a "traditional lover".

Now, you may ask me what what taking a "Traditional Lover" means.  I might answer. I might not!

In my take on expanded monogamy - I am not talking about what been called an "Open Marriage". My version has boundaries that may seem outside of the box for some - but for others may seem quite restrictive. What is agreeable to one couple may not be agreeable to another. In my story - Shameless - I realize that I created a form of expanded monogamy and developed with my husband a way for me to explore my sexuality that did not fit the traditional outline of monogamy but was not polygamy either.

We are also not so good at finding middle places in our society.  It feels like every day  people  ask me questions like "How did your husband feel about you going to a Tantra workshop?" or ""Did you husband get jealous of you working with hands on sexual healers?" What about your explorations of Bd/Sm? How does he feel about that? How does your husband feel about you work at Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women?   Does he approve? No matter where I am in the country - I am asked the same questions over and over again about my adventures into the underground world of sacred sexuality.

In my search for language - I am embracing the term expanded monogamy or being monogamISH and I would like to introduce it to you if you are unfamiliar with it. In my own expanded monogamous marriage - I have had  room to go to sexuality workshops that include me exploring my own sexuality with myself and with others within boundaries and usually in a supervised workshop setting. I am able to be playful in my sexuality - which keeps my own inner fire alive and my marriage intact. It has become essential to me to be able to explore who I am as an individual as well as in my marriage.

In my own expanded monogamous marriage - both my husband and I have had the space to work with sexological body workers who are there to support us on our own individual paths. We attended sexuality workshops -  which may include us working with sexual energy techniques like moving our breath with other people - or eye gazing. This is what inspired me to create Back to The Body. I wanted a safe place for all women no matter their marital status to have a place to come to explore their sexuality.

In my own expanded monogamish relationship, I explore Bd/Sm (think Fifty Shades of Grey) without my husband because he isn't interested in it, and it is a very important form of erotic expression for me.  That is "Untraditional" love that I speak about, in case you were wondering.

Having the space to explore and experiment with my sexuality within the boundaries of an expanded monogamy has supported my 30 year marriage into a place where both my husband and I are happy and has helped us keep the light burning in our own marriage bed. Having room to expand your sexuality and explore over time may turn a once sexless marriage into something else.

Creating some room in our relationships for turning up the heat on our sexuality does not have to mean leaving the marriage or sneaking around.  We simply have to bring this possibility out into the world.  I do not hide.  There is no shame.

If we have the room to experiment and expand our own sexuality without shame - I believe that more people would not feel like they have to leave their primary relationships. We just may need more room to breathe. It's about creating sexual agreements that work for each partnership - and allowing each other the room to grow without ditching your lives.

 

Why You Should Consider Living Beyond Your Means

I have this habit. I live beyond my means all the time, and I encourage others to do the same. Wow.  That's some risky advice, isn't it?

So what does it mean to live beyond your means?

"Our Means" talks about what we currently have in our lives. Staying within our means talk to limitations and living smaller then what you believe you have in your financial, sexual, and emotional boxes.  The rationale is, that if you stay within what you now you have and don't "over spend",  you won't get a short fall and get into trouble. It's all about not getting into trouble by "over doing".

Right. We don't want "Trouble" in our lives do we?  Or maybe...the issue in our lives is that by staying within all the various ways we stay in "our means" is creating a very boring life.

But here's the thing: In order to change your life, you need to transform your form or  "your means".  You need to risk and go outside of all of the obstacles you have created to "keep you safe".

If you stayed inside who you think you are and decided that your physical form, your age, your financial situation, or even your relationship with your sexuality was a hard form that you had to carefully stay inside in order to be safe - then how are you suppose to transform your life?

So how is living within your means keeping you stuck?

Perhaps you are not going on adventures in your life when you believe that "your means" is a family structures that "limits" your ability to try new things.

Is "Staying within your means" the story you have about how to dress yourself because of age, weight, or public perception?

Is "Staying within your means" choosing not to pursue a love relationship because it doesn't fit all the right boxes that you believe you need to have?

And what about money?  Am I really saying to spend more money than you currently have?  Maybe.  Or spend it differently. Skip the shoes and buy the adventure, or the experience.  Experiences push us to live beyond our means on every possible level, and keep us feeling alive.

Create "more means".  I totally believe that if you decide that you are going to live bigger than you currently are, that you should go for it, and expand your means. Figure out ways to grow the money so you can have what you want in your life. Figure out payment plans, "Pleasure Plans" and expansion plans at the same time.  Have the guts to do something different. Stretch! Let it be a little bit scary.  You don't have

Get rid of the stories, that "Living beyond your means" is selfish and irresponsible. I kind think that living "within" what ever story you have created for yourself that is keeping you from living your life in technicolor is a waste of a perfectly delicious life.

 

The Healing and Rejuvenation Magic in Sexual Arousal

Female sexual arousal as a tool of health and creation in women is one of the most understudied parts of a woman's mental and physical health care.  A big part of the problem is that there is simply no funding for it.  Science is mostly funded by the Pharmaceutical Industry which is very interested in "finding cures" through medication.  As a result, most research in sexuality is funded around pain not the benefits of pleasure. But if we look closely at the pain research that is being done around sexual arousal we can find scientific validation that pleasure heals, and sexually arousal is a healing tool.

In a recent study on the benefits of sexual arousal and orgasm for treating pain by Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, a distinguished service professor at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, he found that orgasm releases a hormone that helps raise your pain threshold.

Dr. Komisaruk also found that stimulation without orgasm can also provide the same benefits. “We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache.”

Pleasure heals.  And I believe that the state of arousal may actually be the secret source of every woman’s power. If it wasn't; why would our genitals be the first thing that is attacked when society wants to subdue women? Throughout history, women have been severed, often  from their sexual energy, preventing them from using it for anything other than the service of men. When the circuit is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused, women numb out.  It's our genitals that are mutilated, our bodies that are raped so that we are so traumatized that we lose our power, and it is our sexuality that is even sometimes put under garments to cover all of us and make us invisible even to ourselves.

Learning to access and use arousal is the beginning of becoming whole

Arousal is the ignition switch of the female erotic engine, that potent driver of sexual energy that is life force itself. Is it any wonder that arousal heals?

It's time for a new understanding of  female sexuality. It stops being about merely the orgasm, the lover, the marriage or the commodity for sale.  It's about teaching women how core female sexuality is the fuel that lights up a woman from within.

When she’s in an aroused state, when the erotic engine is humming, mind and body collude to give her that instantly recognizable and enviable show-stopping ability. Think Cleopatra or Michelle Obama. Marital status, age, sexual preference, body size or health issues just don’t matter. This is for all women. When women learn how to tap into and access their arousal they rediscover or perhaps find for the first time that hotbed of energy to unleash each woman’s full potential.

When we stimulate the vagina (and yes, I mean all of the parts) we stimulate the production of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for sexual arousal. In an aroused state our senses are heightened, we are more focused, flushed with creative energy, self- confidence, highly motivated and just plain sexy.

We tend to race past this fertile and delicious state in hot pursuit of the orgasm. The “Big O” is something that we’ve been brainwashed to think is the only successful outcome every time we go near our genitals. In the mad dash to climax, we get gypped of a free,  organic state that doesn’t require anything other than giving your vagina attention.

The uniquely female life force, turned back on itself shorts out the vagina-heart-brain circuit. With the wires fried, women often find themselves disconnected from their own desires on the most basic of levels. Some women make themselves sexually invisible, consoling themselves with addictions (shopping, food, alcohol), or tumble into depression and anxiety. Many of these women are leaders in so many parts of their lives. CEOs to Supermoms, it doesn’t matter. When this circuit disrupts, the breakdown is often private and unseen to the casual observer. Too many women are still faking it on the deepest of levels when it comes to their relationship with their bodies. They cover up numbness and fear often with either compliance or anger.

So while the primary focus in accessing arousal is not about how to have great sex, you will. As one of my coaching clients said: “My boyfriend has not changed his techniques. Nothing looks different really from the outside, but damn – sex is hotter than it’s ever been in my life.” That’s what I am talking about.  I also believe that women who work with their arousal in an ongoing way, are on their way to find their own fountain of youth.

So how do you get started? It's really simple.  For many of us that means we need to by-pass the neo-cortex, hand-slapping, nay-saying part of the brain, and dive right into the pelvis. You need to put your attention on your genitals.

Start slow and easy, when you’re alone and there’s privacy. Wear your clothes or don’t. Whatever makes you comfortable.

In a comfortable seated position, feet firmly on the floor, cup your vulva, palm up, from the front with your fingertips pointing back.

With eyes closed, start rocking your pelvis back and forth.

Focus your attention on the sensations generated by your vulva filling your hand , your muscles clenching and releasing, your pelvis rocking

If you’re feeling adventurous, throw in some Kegels, squeezing and releasing your pelvic floor.

As your awareness of sensation increases–and it will– let yourself move and lean into the rock.

KEEP BREATHING

When you feel heat rising, when you start to feel pleasure, you’ve arrived in that juicy activated known as arousal. And you’ve done it without any of the usual agendas — no imperative to reach orgasm, pleasing a partner or satisfying a fantasy. This simple exercise can begin your journey of connection to your own body. It can mark the end of numbness. It can even heal.

One of my clients, we will call her Sarah, was so disconnected from erotic engine that she couldn’t identify pleasure in any parts of her life. She was sexually non functional, depressed and on heavy medication. She kept telling me that she couldn’t feel her genitals, that there was no pleasure there at all. So fully clothed, (we were working through video Skype) I asked her to cup her vulva and begin to softly rock her pelvis while learning forward . I coached her to allow her vulva fill to gentle fill her hand. We did this exercise quietly for about five minutes. When I saw that she was very relaxed and into her own body, and that her face was beginning to flush. I asked her is she could feel anything?

Sarah opened her eyes and tears begin to flow. ” I feel heat. I can feel my body!”

It was as simple as having her put attention on her genitals in a way that didn’t have to lead to anything other than feeling erotic energy.

Moment of awakening. The first step in getting the engine cranked and it’s so simple. It’s all about the arousal.

The Art of Being Sexually Selfish! A Complimentary Tele-Seminar

Join Pamela Madsen and Neal Wecker internationally known Certified Somatic Sex Educators with over 30 years of combined experience in adult sex education for a unique complimentary tele-seminar on exploring the state of sexual selfishness. Learning how to receive and be sexually selfish is essential for deep arousal especially for women. For women,their erotic excitement has to be able to break form from 'taking care of others' to a place of valuing and living their arousal.

The 'Art of Being Sexually Selfish' will explore ways for women to break through their barriers for the pleasure that they desire and deserve. The reality of the need shows up so clearly in the fantasy about being utterly taken, taken without her having to care about someone else in her experience of surrendering. Come and explore the 'Circle of Consent' and so much more.

The call will take place on Tuesday, August 26th at 5pm PT/8pm ET. After the call Pamela and Neal will stay on the line to answer questions about Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women and private sessions.

Self Register for this Complimentary Seminar Here

We hope you can join us!

Yes is the only living thing....

I hear an enormous amount of noise and encouragement around the word "No". And "No" is a great word. No can protect us and free us, and allow us to rest. But what about the word "Yes"? I want to hear more about what saying "Yes" can do for our lives. e.e. cummings says "i imagine that yes is the only living thing". I imagine that too. When I want movement, it usually involves a yes. Or excitement. Or taking on something new. Or desiring change. When someone offers me an amazing opportunity and I'm not sure how I am going to do it; I say "Yes" and figure it out later.

I understand that you still might say "No, I will never do that."or "No, that's not who I am." or "No, that's just too scary."

And I will say "watch me say yes." It's okay to say Yes. It can be safe to say "Yes". It can feel couragous, freeing, affirming and extraordinarily loving to ask those around you to say "yes" to you and your dreams and your desires.

Yes can open doors and fill our world with a sense of aliveness and sparkle. Yes is so much sexier than, "I can't" or "I shouldn't" or "It's impossible". In the space between yes and no, there can be a lifetime, an adventure, a transformation. Yes can be the gateway to learning how to receive in your life.

Yes is the difference between the path you walk and one you leave behind; it’s the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; it’s the legroom for the lies you will tell yourself in the future.

Consider Yes.......

Women Choosing to Walk the Path of a Deep Inner Calling

The experience of our sexuality often gets lost in translation. Instead of saying that all sexuality is about this or that - let's recognize that the even the word "sexuality" has layers of meaning built into it. Our sexuality is an amalgamation of desire, life experience, bodies, gender, subconscious urges, shame, sensations, and behaviors. Parts of our sexuality spring up from us organically, and some parts are shaped by our culture, religion, and even our language. Sexuality is not one thing or one way. Our sexuality is a holistic and whole body experience that is unique in it's expression from human to human. It would be a huge relief if we could all stop pretending that we have sexuality all figured out and that we have all the answers. Sexuality is not geometry; it's a living container. So if we don't have sexuality "all figured out", how do support women who are an amalgamation of all of this grow, explore, feel safe, and heal their relationship eros?  But I have come to believe that the women themselves have all of the information that they need deeply held inside of them,  they just need the space and the space holders to help them unlock it.

It feels important that I speak about sacred spaces, somatic sex education and  "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women", because it is one of those places where women can do this work.

But I hesitate for many reasons.  I worry about the perception that I'm trying to "sell you" on something. And I'm also concerned about the experiences of our women will get lost in translation. But if we do not speak of what is possible for women to discover in their own bodies, how do they know about what could be possible? I am looking at the images of the women from our most recent July 2014 retreat. I am remembering their stories. The incredible work that each one of them did. The extraordinary self discoveries and transformations.  Each story, each experience as different and unique as each woman.  And I feel compelled to try to put words to it all. But I am not trusting my words alone, so I will try to combine images with my words.

It takes a lot for a woman to step up and face all of the layers of her own sexuality. And what can bring her to do it can feel like the season of her discontent which can happen at any time in her 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's 60's and beyond. It can feel like numbness or aliveness that wants to know more aliveness. We can want our hot sexuality to be bigger and hotter, and we can feel like there is nothing below our waist. And all of these women can show up together at one retreat.

There can be massive resistance even after a woman says "Yes" to showing up.  There are false obstacles that we place in front of our desires to know more and feel more. There can be stark terror as well as incredible excitement and anticipation. Some women feel all of it. Some women feel some of this. The rainbow of emotions that women encounter doing this work is not black and white. And six women show up anyway.  Because somehow they know, that what they are seeking is possible.  Here is the face of one of our women facing her own resistance, sitting in an airport wanting to turn around. She didn't.

I am sitting remembering:

Women supporting and loving each other in our nest being is as important as the sensual ecstasy that they experience. Back to the Body is a unique way for women to connect with each other and heal the wounds of female relationship.

The women have experiences around female connection that most women never experience and it changes them. Sometimes, I wonder if it being privy to the sounds of the other women connecting to their deepest erotic places. Being literally bathed in their sounds. This is not pornography. This is not some performance. This is something incredibly sacred and bliss filled.  We cannot see them. They are in private sessions with professional Sexological Bodyworkers. My colleagues. Their sighs and moans are sometimes tinged with pain: the screams of ancestral wounds that have no name rise up and mix in like the perfect mixed cocktail. And even if we are not on the table, in session - sometimes we can drink it in.

I am remembering  the dance that some of the women did after their sessions. And how the other women celebrated it. Cheering and taking pictures.

And still I struggle for words. From one of our attendees.

"It's not a sex retreat in the way you are thinking. It's actually a women's retreat where each of the women gets deeply pampered and gets to do intense, healing alchemical pleasure work with Sexological Bodyworkers."

It's not sex boot camp!

How do we speak of experiences that occur in the body? So many women in our society do not feel seen by the masculine.  One of the practices that we have introduced to our women is a session where they are held in the cradle of exquisite masculine presence and are bathed in pleasure by their hands, words and attention. What we learn through pleasure we don't easily forget. Our women felt what it is to feel cherished down to their bones. Those are the words.  But the the transformation and healing that pleasure can bring a body cannot fully be described by words.  Maybe we simply show before and after pictures?

What if this was some kind of a "Priestess" training? Does that sound crazy?  A priestess is a woman who officiates in sacred rites and we are teaching women to officiate in the sacred rite of their own sexual alchemy.

A priestess is a woman who is choosing to walk the path of a deep inner calling. That is true of our women. With courage and grace she navigates the continuous ascents and descents of her life's spiral going deeper into her own magical and sacred cauldron.

Our Priestesses are on a path where they are actively confronting, clearing, healing past wounds . As they journey deeper into their sexuality they are each traveling to inner realms of ecstasy, magic, manifestation, quiet times of reflection, prayer, meditation. This work at Back to the Body is supporting each woman to see and sense her own truth in a way that perhaps she has never seen it before.

It's not always easy. But as they stay with the each unique expression of what is holy, we can see amazing shifts in their being. Call it the Divine Mother. Each woman steps into seeing the value and honor of her own femininity. As she clears the dust from her body she can begin to see herself as a holy vessel that can not only hold sacred space for herself, but for her family, friends and community.

Over five days, each women steps into a place of becoming more clear of her own life's purpose and her own ability to create this sexual alchemy in her own body. Yes. This is a Priestess Training of it's own kind. Women learning the power of their desire. Being able to name it, access it and turn it into fuel for every aspect of their lives.

They become filled with a sense of aliveness that is palpable.

Cultivating a Conscious Vagina

I'm going to say something that is going to make many women uncomfortable.  If you are not connected to your vagina it's gonna be hard to feel a man's penetrating you with his cock: even if he has a great big one! It's really not about cock size. Women want to be "Filled up", "Taken", and "Penetrated".  And the rule of thumb is that you need a big penis in order to do that.  I think it's more about our ability as women to feel.  So how do you get a conscious vagina? I have some thoughts!

Tips For Cultivating a Conscious Vagina:

1. Spend time softly petting your own vulva. Do this without lubricant first. Gently explore all the areas of your own genitals. We get so used to deep, hard and high intensity touch such as vibrators that we have begun to numb out our own capacity to feel variations of sensations.

So practice soft and gentle with yourself. Focus on arousal and simply feeling.  Include just holding your vulva in this exercise and not moving at all.

This is a touch exercise not about the Orgasmic Olympics.

2. Take this exercise further, and add lubricant. How does the sensation change? Can you notice this? If you are moving slowly, go even slower! If you are touching gently, touch even more feathery. Play with it. How does the different sensations work for you?

3. Play with a dildo, and explore how it feels to just have the dildo at the gates of your vagina. Play with stillness. Soft knocking at the door. Can you feel it?

4.  Using a Dildo or your finger slowly enter your vagina and move to no movement at all. Can you feel your fingers or the toy? Stay with that feelings. Gently begin to move your body the way you want so. How does the sensation change?

5. Talk with your lover about slowing down and practice with them. Have you explore penis tapping on your vulva or clit? Your conscious vagina needs conscious penetration. How can they tease you with that? Make you really want to be "filled" by them?

Cultivating a conscious vagina is often a practice at first of slowing down the action. Learning to pay attention to sensation and allowing our vaginas to be really hungry for penetration. A part of having a conscious vagina is gaining knowledge of the anatomy of arousal. When women take or are given sufficient time and attention to puff up the whole clitoral complex, penetration by the smallest object or penis can be an exquisite pleasure. When we are ready and hungry, the size will most likely be just perfect!

Try it. Let me know what you think.

 

 

 

 

Do You Ever Feel Like The Queen of More?

I have been "The Queen of More" for a great deal of my life. Sometimes, that desire for more has served me in spaces of creation. But in other times, that desire for more has brought me to my knees. I doubt that I am alone. This is what is true for me now.

I am sitting in the richness of moments. My legacy of wanting more is something that I am looking at with fresh eyes.

In truth, I find the richness in my memories are not of  the "More" that I was seeking.  They are in moments. It's the moments that keep me company. It is the moments that I allow into my body, heart and soul that I remember.

It is a kiss on a street corner. An experience with a lover at a bar, connecting eyes, a smile and a wink of recognition with a stranger on the street. It has been on retreats, on a massage table for a session, a conversation that is full between friends.

It is the bites.

So many of us get lost in making plans and tying things down in our search for groundedness. But that is not where we will find aliveness. Aliveness is in the moments. In the possibility of opening to just that.

In flying in groundlessness, in letting go of our attachment to more we may find true pleasure. If we can allow it.

Now that would be doing something different.

Relentless

Recently one of my clients called me "Relentless" as I held on to her ankles (virtually through Skype) as she struggled to make a big decision about moving forward in her journey.  She was scared of making the leap from thinking to doing. I’m experienced in that  and I was hanging in there to support her in her leap into open and integrated sexuality without life-threatening injuries. I wanted her courage so badly for her because I got exactly where she was in her life and I knew what was possible. I wanted that so badly for her that I was willing to be "Relentless".

I know how painful the body-less life can be because I spent so many years as a head. I was a beautiful head, but I was just a head.

The truth is there’s a better than even chance we’re more alike than not.

Dark hungers and darker fantasies? Got ‘em. Feeling weird even admitting them? Been there. Worried about feeling like a freak? Well, I survived those moments, too, and I’m here to tell you there’s nothing freakish about it.

The ultimate goal is to  free all of that up, and reconnect the body with your brain.

I not only teaching women to recognize arousal, help them look at it without shame and take progressive steps to begin the work of self-acceptance and embodiment.  I lead women on an exploration of their own true natures and helps them use sensual pleasure to heal the typical array of issues that afflict most of us. I mean everything from body dysmorphia, eating disorders, erratic sexual desire and general crankiness.

I connect them with resources and opportunities to take it even further.

I encourage women to tune into their bodies and sensations with "sex games" that they can play on their own in private or with a partner.  I show women through my own adventures, that it’s a fun trip worth taking.  

I get it. What I preach and teach defies easy categorization. I blend my education, personal experiences and share real life vignettes that can take women out of the world of sex how to books to a brand new relationship with their bodies and the world.

My purpose in the world is to leave breadcrumbs for women to follow on their own road to sexual wholeness. What I teach, embody, and cheer lead is unique to me.

I’ve spent thousands of dollars on unconventional sex ed--from countless sacred sexuality workshops to private sessions with sexual healers. My underground education ignited such liberating changes in the rest of my life, that I couldn't keep all of this a secret. My job is now to responsibly show other women what is possible when they let go and look at their sexuality in a brand new light.  

When women take a bite out of my offerings whether it is one on one coaching, or a Back to The Body Retreat, a VIP Day, Private Retreat or even just reading my book Shameless; I am offering women the insight and skills to love themselves just as they are. I want to help women shed the fear of their own desire and to be open to pleasure, things we’re not conditioned to do.

It's not about quid pro quos, no have-tos, no 365 positions to memorize to please your partner and get off. What I believe in is  the antithesis of the orgasm Olympics book. This is a one-of-a-kind work devoted to the concept of sensual pleasure as a transformational, healing tool.  

I know that denying desire comes at a cost to everyone –our partners, our families, even our career peers. I also know that losing the shackles of sexual shame, unabashedly grabbing erotic pleasure with both hands and integrating the sexual self can make any woman happier in the body she’s in.  No raw foods, fiber drinks, exercise programs or cleanses. And who in their right mind doesn’t want to be a happier woman?  Or be around one? Just ask my husband.

My desire is to safely shepherd women into the wilds of desire and throw open the door on the vast universe of diverse pleasures.  With empathy and a wink that can only come from someone who’s walked in their Birkenstocks (and traded them in for thigh-high leather boots), I’ll show each woman who comes across my path how to befriend her body, unearth her erotic self and welcome her in. It’s possible to have true pleasure in all spheres of their lives.

People seem to be starving for my particular brand of good-natured, open sexual plain speaking. Right now, it’s hard to find information that goes past the superficial without plunging right into scary. Women excited by the idea of sensual spanking, for instance, may find a beginner’s piece or two. But further investigation often takes them on a hair-pin turn directly to a dungeon and a flogging post. Too much, too fast and too alarming for a novice.  By contrast, I offer them ways to express their desires one safe step at a time. I gleefully and sensibly fill the yawning information gap.

I’m willing to take controversial stands. I propose that extended pleasure and the Organic Orgasm are more intriguing than female ejaculation and the g spot. I suggest that we’re so performance driven that we’re all suffering, needlessly, from orgasm anxiety. 

Here's what true. We all have our season of sexual discontent. We all have those seasons and they’re unpredictable. It’s a bit like climate change. For some the wintry itch erupts between boyfriends. For others there’s chill that hits in the middle of a pre-nup negotiation. Some get triggered during a marriage, after the kids have grown, post- divorce, the onset of peri-menopause and beyond.  

Basically, women struggle with this all the time. Why? The answer is complex but it boils down to the fact that our sexuality has been severed from the rest of who we are. That vital life force has been sanitized, shrink-wrapped and buried like pirate’s booty. Instead of the bracing zest of feminine erotic desire, we watch the Photo Shopped blemish-free girls get to play. They’re the entitled ones. They don’t look anything like most of us do when we catch our own reflections. The message? We, the ordinary mortals, aren’t deserving of pleasure. Not unless we lose weight, get that job or finish that project. Pleasure is constantly receding on the horizon of our own self-loathing. Self-denial is epidemic.

I am relentless about breaking this down. And I will hand Sleeping Beauty her first Red Bull.  And I don't mind if you call me "Relentless".

 

Welcome Goddess Ishtar: Spring Is All About Sexuality and Fertility

I'm not sure why we should be surprised that Pagans celebrated Goddess Ishtar in the Spring. After all, with her symbols the egg and the rabbit she was sending a very strong message:  Spring is all about sexuality and fertility. Why it should be surprising in any way that old time Christians in an attempt to convert pagan worshipers re-branded celebrations such as Easter from pagan rituals and Goddesses.  It's our human history; it's what we do. We like to change stories to suit our own needs. But in both Passover and Easter, the symbol of the egg is on stage.

Spring is all about the egg! It's a time of renewal and rebirth. A time that is rich with  sexuality and fertility. And I love saying that mid-life women stop making the egg and become the egg!

How can you become your own egg of creation in the Spring? Is it time to create a Pleasure Plan?Or go on an adventure?

So how are you going to use it? Can you imagine diving into as your own personal celebration of freedom, renewal and rebirth?

Whatever we choose in life, it requires an action. Is this a time of renewal in your life or rebirth? This Spring are you breaking bonds in an expression of  freedom as the Jews did in the story of Passover? What are you creating in an expression of fertility?

What rituals, and choices can you make to bring Spring into your body?

For me, I bought myself a butterfly necklace as a symbol of my own transformation and freedom this Spring. I love wearing it, it's a reminder of a change in my life. Sometimes, choosing a totem for an intention is very helpful and actually comforting. It can keep you on track.

Choose to put your attention on something. Is it your relationship with your body? How will you renew that? Or play in Spring time sexuality? Can you commit to something that will keep your focus on your goal?

The Spring is a rich time. Create an intention for your  Spring and then come dance in the flowers. Isn't it time for you to come out of your hibernation?

What is a Turned On Woman?

There is a lot of talk about being a "Turned On" woman. But what exactly is that? To me, it's a woman who has figured out that sex is learning how to be a courtesan for herself first.

It's about taking the time to look inside at that magical, mystical place in our own bodies.

Once we figure out how to do that, a turned on woman will develop a deeper connection to her own sexual engine and be able to take that power source out into the world for the good of her family, friends, and community.

Now that's hot. That's turned on.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

PS. Are you standing on the side lines? Do you want some ideas, or a yellow brick road to step onto?

Sometimes you just need to be willing to do something different and bold to begin to turn on, change your perspective or reboot your engine. Come on! It's Spring! Here are some ideas and resources:

1.  Ron Stewart (http://www.skyclad.ca/) and I are running workshops and offering private sessions on the East Coast from Monday, April 22nd through May 5th.  You can find information about the workshop in Philadelphia here on Wednesday, April 23 in Bryn Mawr at 7pm 

Ron and are are offering private sessions for singles and couple on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in the area in the Bryn Mawr area and NJ. Please contact me for more details at Pamela@backtothebody.org

On Friday, April 25th we are in NYC (SoHo) where we will be offering two workshops on Saturday evening at 6:30 until 9:30pm and and Sunday evening from 6:30 to 9:30pm. The workshops are open to all. You can find the complete information on the workshops here. 

Come as a way to connect back to yourself, play, and feel sexy! These workshops are clothing on. You don't need a partner, and you can bring one!

2. Ron and I are offering private sessions from Monday April 18th through May 5th in the NYC area. If you are interested in a private session for yourself or as a couple please email me as soon as possible to discuss - we are booking up but we still have time availability to make this happen for you and take you off the side lines! Women are literally flying in from all over the country to join us in NYC. Are you local? What's stopping you? Call me. Let's move that obstacle! We are creating VIP Days for women to have the exclusive full attention of Ron and myself from 10 to 7pm! Curious? Email me at Pamela@backtothebody.org

3. Have you listened to my CD yet? "Shameless Sex, Self and Love Meditation?" It might be a great start for you! You can find it here.

4. Have you read my book yet? "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner?" You can find it here.

5. Have you ever considered attending one of our retreats? Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women has openings for our July and Tuscany Retreat in late September.

6. Just want to talk with me? Consider a free consult. We have so many ways to step off the side lines and live your life as a woman in full. Just send an email at Pamela@backtothebody.org

 

 

Searching For That Feeling of Aliveness

So many of us want to feel alive again. We are stuck in the patterns of our lives whether it work, family, relationships, or marriage. We may feel stuck in some kind of trauma that we can't seem to climb out of.  We are longing to reconnect with parts of ourselves that we have lost, forgotten or never got to explore. We may think it's about getting hot sex; it may be. But I think it's more about getting attention, feeling desire, dancing in a kind of excitement that we may have lost in our daily lives. When was the last time you felt yearning in your life for anything? Took a real risk, and jumped into an adventure? When I speak with women who are restless, feeling numb in their bodies, bored with their lives, wondering if this is all there is in their relationship with their sexuality; it becomes clear to me over and over again that they are not looking for another person, they are looking for who they become when they have new experiences.

I know this up close in personal as I shared in my memoir; "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale, 2011). 

I am an explorer, but I am not reckless. I have a happy marriage of over 30 years, one that I wouldn't ditch for the world. But sometimes, I need to to ditch who I am in my marriage. I need to go out into the world, and become the other parts of me that I don't even know yet.

That's often when I feel my most alive, and for me a path to feeling aliveness has been through the erotic. I have wanted, and continue to desire to experience all of my new selves in a way that doesn't interfere with my marriage. And many women are single and want to have more aliveness too.  These feelings are not so different in marriages or in singleness, as we all get stuck in this place of  "everyday".

So how do you do it? How do you create this feeling of aliveness in your life? How do you explore all of your other selves? Okcupid? Maybe.

For me, so much happened literally on the massage table working with different Sexological Bodyworkers and attending retreats that created safe spaces for me to explore who I was in different situations. It changed everything for me; my relationship with my body, my relationship with my food (cured an eating disorder - I think I was like a bored bird plucking at it's own feathers), my relationship with my desires and my erotic expression.

I was literally reborn and living a very alive life.  I continue to plan for my pleasure and make it happen as well as help other women do it too.

I support other women to explore their sexuality, renew their feelings of aliveness, and experience their "other selves" through:

Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women

Private coaching where I support them in creating their own "Pleasure Plan" and learn new ways to create and keep these new found feelings in their bodies

Supporting women on their own journey working with Sexological Bodyworkers.

Right now there is a lot of hot going on; so many opportunities where you can explore you own desires for a new sense of aliveness.

Are you ready for that?

Email me to arrange a free consultation and I will not only hear your story, but I will tell you about all the very cool stuff that is happening between now and October! Just do it, email me at  Pamela@backtothebody.org and put Aliveness in your subject line.

I am creative and determined to support you in moving the obstacles out of your way so you can experience all of the other selves that are in you.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

 

 

 

What Kind of Woman Attends a Back to The Body Retreat?

"Know that the gifts you are giving are the kind that keep on giving, like a well seasoned meal that can be savored for a long time. Each of you offered gentle support and a safe place to work. Your example of bravery were inspiring. There's a lot to take home, memories to savor, lessons to be launched. You are my teacher.  Like a Sherpa guiding us to the mountain top. Thank you for the new and beautiful view!" - Back To the Body February Graduate The team at Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women is now offering our eighth retreat at our home nest in Victoria, BC.

So....what kind of woman comes to a Back to the Body Retreat?

  • Passionate and Powerful in their own lives
  • And they are ready for even more! They want to go deeper into being more of who they already are.
  • Personal growth is important to them.
  • They are curious about their own sexuality. They want to know more and go deeper. They already know on some level that their sexuality may the missing or essential link to a more fulfilling life.
  • They are interested in using sexual energy as a life force fuel.
  • They are ready to heal sexual wounds and shame.
  • They may be experiencing mid life changes such as menopause, divorce  or job changes.
  • They are ready to experience all that their bodies are able to offer them.
  • They want to play and have more pleasure in their lives.

Tell me more:

Many of our clients are simply curious. They want to learn more about their bodies and feel dis-empowered or disconnected from their own physical selves. Their relationship with their sexuality and their bodies have finally made it up the “bucket list”.  Sometimes they don’t have partners, or if they do have partners they don’t feel that their partners are meeting their sexual needs. My clients often feel unsupported and unappreciated sexually and want to have more pleasure in their lives.

Many are looking for safe ways to explore being more sexually adventurous either on their own or within a coupled relationship. Some of my clients are actively looking for a partner, and are looking inside their own sexual expression to see if the hold up is inside their own relationship with their bodies.

Some of our clients are not having the orgasms that they wish to have, and want to be able to explore their sexual desires in a way that will not bring them shame or ruin their lives.

Many of our clients are at war with their bodies. They want to love themselves deeply and don’t know how to. They get stuck when it becomes time to speak up for the desires, and often end up enduring sex rather than loving sex. They are ready to prioritize  sex in their lives, and often want to experience new sexual experiences. Our clients know that there is more to sex than they are having, and they are ready to figure out what that is. Most of our clients are in their 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's.

We are devoted to assisting you on your own individual journey to sexual empowerment, freedom and pleasure.

To learn more about the complete program please visit our website here.

We would love for you to consider joining us for our 8th retreat in Victoria, BC on July 3 through July 7. Retreats are limited to six women. There is one spot left for our July Retreat. Payment plans are available. http://www.backtothebody.org/

Email Pamela at Pamela@backtothebody.org to set up a free consultation.
And we have lots of graduates that are will than willing to speak with you!

Kintsukuroi and The Heart/Vagina Connection

My day is often filled with speaking with women who are trying to connect to their vaginas. Some of the women that I speak with find it hard to get through the conversation without feeling physically ill. They may get a headache or an upset stomach. Some speak of an inability to feel their own vagina or any sense of aliveness in their genitals. Some are willing to make peace with this feeling, others sense that there is so much more life in their bodies and that somehow it is related to this somewhat unknown place between their legs. The feel a sense of  disconnection or brokenness.

And I keep coming back this week to this art form called Kintsukuroi.  This idea that an object can be made more beautiful after it's broken. It's value is not diminished, in fact the filling in of gold, silver or lacquer is used not only to repair, but makes the object more beautiful. What a metaphor for so much in our lives.

This is what I have learned. Our hearts can stretch to hold love, grief, devotion, and dreams. Our hearts can sacrifice, forgive and remember. And I believe that in female bodied persons, so can our vaginas.

We just have to be able to listen. And we have not been taught to listen to our own vaginas. So somehow we are getting static on this incredible line from our vaginas to our hearts and then back again to our vaginas. You see, they are wired together.

If we are feeling physical illness, numbness, and fear when we think about connecting to our own vaginas it's time to stop and listen deeply. Trust your vagina the way you trust your heart. Sometimes, we will need to practice Kintsukuroi and support the places that have worn thin with gold or silver. It just makes what we have more beautiful and more valuable.

And if your vagina is screaming at your heart to go away - listen to that too with a different ear. Why is she so scared and shut down? Perhaps it is time, to hear her pain and softly begin to coax her out of hiding. Speak to her about the practice of Kintsukuroi and tell her that you will go and get some gold, or silver.

After all, your vagina will ache for you, bleed for you, open for you and shut down to protect you. Pay attention to her. She has stories to tell you. Truths to share. She is valuable.

And sometimes, her silence is a cry for help.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Learning to Receive is a Lover Tool

When people ask me about becoming a better lover; the first thing I ask them about is their ability to receive. Learning to receive is a big one for so many and it's often the key to having a better relationship with our own bodies, our pleasure, and sharing with others. Worrying about "doing back" or running your thoughts about what you will do back when "it's your turn" may be running interference with your receptors. Or are you always vigilant and on guard when you are receiving?Do you trust your own ability to hold your own boundaries, or your partner to honor them?

What are you allowing to get through? Do you have a "Pleasure Ceiling"? How does your inability to truly receive effect your ability to give fully of your heart when you are actually giving? As one of my teaching partners, Ron Stewart recently said: "When you know how to receive more fully, some aspect of you knows how to give more fully, if you choose to".

Think about it. Are you running interference on your ability to receive? And how does that inadvertently affect your ability to fully give?

Are You a Part of The Ten Percent?

Dear Shameless Beauty; Yesterday, I arrived in Seattle. I like to make a pit stop here and visit friends before I head to Victoria, BC. I am on my way to the February "Back to The Sensuous Retreat for Women". I got to share simple pleasures that are not so simple. Intimacy, laughter, and friendship.

Loving sacred community with all it's messiness and vulnerability. I have a soft spot in my heart for Seattle. Today is a day of 'more to come'. And it got me thinking. You see, I got to my day by sharing sharing "lotus lift meditation" with a girlfriend. What followed was a deep, sweet knowing conversation with another woman who knows what it is, and what it takes to have a relationship with one's own pussy as a life force energy.

Here's the truth ladies: having a relationship with your own pussy and through her your own erotic creature is a practice.

I am past 40, did the menopause thing, and I'm living a more sexually alive life than I ever had before.

It's all getting hotter - all the time. It's not about the hormones. I don't take any.

It's not about having socially acceptable body - I don't think I have one of those either.

It's not about so much that we are led to believe it's all about.

It's possible to have this by staying in connection with you own body which can be as simple as learning to hold your own pussy when you go to sleep at night, and wake up in the morning.

Learning to cultivate an ability to listen to and speak to your own genitals. And sometimes, that means being compassionate and bringing our genitals along to the party even when she doesn't really feel like it.

With some loving attention, our bodies can restore and come alive in ways that you cannot even imagine. I don't care where you are right now in your relationship sexuality. You can have more. I can have more. This is like our relationship with our own hearts. We can always uncover more and expand.

We just have to commit to start exactly where we are. I work with all kinds of women, and the women who commit to living a sexually alive life and are willing to practice even when they are not in the mood - are tapping into an energy in their body which is extraordinary.

I have begun to call these women "the ten percent". Because it's only about ten percent of the women who I come in contact with who are willing to truly go there, and keep going there. They are the ones who don't put stories and obstacles in their own way. The ones who think they have to lose weight first. Or figure out how to speak to their partners. Or believe that they don't have the money for this. There are so many obstacles that are really excuses for our own fear.

Perhaps it's the fear that if you try - it won't work. Perhaps it the fear that connecting to your own body will change your life. Then what?

Having a relationship with your own pussy IS huge. You are right.

And it's not only about having sex with another being. It is about how we are able to use arousal/sexual energy as a tool in our every day lives.

That's revolutionary.

Are you ready to start your own revolution? Start just where you are, and say hello to your genitals.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

The Thrill of Uncertainty; The Comfort of Stability

I'm pondering relationship this morning. Falling in love is simple; one has only to yield to the passion. Digesting another person, however, and sustaining love AND the erotic is bloody work, and not a soft job. Intimacy turns into familiarity. Passion into being the ever present air that you breathe. You are necessary but not always noticed. But just try holding your breath. Do we really have to leave in order to be noticed? How do you desire, hunger for, and want what you already have?

The key may be in the balance of the thrill uncertainty and the comfort of stability as author, Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity) loves to state.  And you can create these experiences in your life - whether you are partnered or not (Yes, single people want this too - in their relationship to themselves or in their dating lives).

The key is creating these opportunities for uncertainty.  Suspending the need to know what will happen - and jumping.  And for some of us that may mean doing it with our partner or trusted experts to provide the stability in all of that exciting uncertainty!

That is why I have created retreats for women and couples along with my partners at "Back to The Body".

When we are partnered, the need to create excitement, adventure and uncertainty can be tricky without threatening the stability of the relationship. A private sensuous couple's retreat can provide all of these elements for a couple to touch that spark again.

The same can be true for single women for are craving excitement and uncertainty in their own erotic lives and it is not showing up in a way that feels stable or safe to them. Attending a "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreat for Women" and traveling to Victoria, BC for our core program or Tuscany to be with us in our Villa can also provide the same incredible sexy thrill of erotic adventure while reconnecting them to their own sensuous energy.

Sometimes, it can be as simple and as crazy as attending a retreat around sexuality to create the magic and thrill of uncertainty while knowing that you are ultimately in a stable environment.  Kinda like swinging on a trapeze and knowing their is a net underneath you!

Want to talk about it? Send me an email at Pamela@backtothebody.org and I would be happy to discuss creating a thrilling, sexy adventure for you and your beloved  whether that is another human being - or your beautiful self!

 

Suspending The Need To Be Certain....

This morning Danielle LaPorte inspired me with one of her "Truth Bombs" in my morning email. She wrote: "Suspending the need to be certain is an act of enlightenment." I really liked that and it got me thinking. When we suspend our need to be certain it's also an act of courage, love and faith. In the work that I do,  women (and sometimes couples) are rarely certain about whether sexuality and intimacy coaching, attending a "Back to The Body Retreat", or creating a private mini retreat for themselves or their partners is the right thing for them.  They can spend time talking with me to see if they feel comfortable and if working with me "feels right". They can talk to other women who have done this work. But in the end they have to suspend their need to be certain and just commit to trying.

It can feel crazy brave to take on your own sexuality. But what do you secretly want to happen in your own life? It sometimes, can only happen if we persuade our inhibitions and try.

Are you ready?

Let's talk. Shoot me an email from the contact form, or Pamela@backtothebody.org. Consultations are complimentary.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

 

Do You Have a Pleasure Ceiling?

It's sometimes true. The women that I coach and support around sexuality teach me through their openness in sharing their feelings. It happened again, just other day. I was in the middle of working with an extraordinary 40 year old female client around building her "Pleasure Plan". We were in the midst of talking about orgasms and self pleasuring as a way of her exploring and expanding her pleasure.  I had given her an assignment during the session to try on during the week between our calls.  The assignment  felt really big for her, because she was like most people. Self Pleasuring (masturbation) followed the "Quiet and Quick Rule".  How quickly could she self pleasure and how quietly. A married woman - she tried to sneak in her self pleasure around a husband not catching her.

We spoke about how she was treating her own sexuality the way a not so polite lover might treat her.  She never romanced herself before she took out the vibrator to "get off".  There was no sexy self talk, no hot bubble bath, no loving self massage with favorites oils. She didn't even take the time to get undressed.  She and I were laughing hysterically as we compared her treatment of her own vagina over and over again to that of an inconsiderate lover who just wanted to come and take what he wanted and get out.  She never stayed with her own sexual excitement long enough to see if there was perhaps more pleasure to be found. After all, she had got what she had come for....why wait around to see if her body wanted more pleasure or not?

"I think I have a pleasure ceiling" my client said.  Wow a "Pleasure Ceiling"! I loved the term that just flew out of her mouth in a moment of epiphany. "Yes, I think that I worry that if I have too much pleasure that something bad will happen like I will stop being responsible or something. Or I will go off the rails. It's not just sex it's also food, or dancing - anywhere I have pleasure. I always cut it short. I have to be responsible and leave early so I can make sure that I won't be late for work in the morning.  Or worse - just ditch it all for pleasure. So I think I keep it under wraps."

Holy Guacamole! My client had nailed it - and she was speaking for so people.  We have installed "Pleasure Ceilings" because if we don't-  we might "go off the rails".  It's such an interesting story that so many of us have created around our own pleasure.  Somehow, if our pleasure goes too far - it will wreak our lives.  Of course I am the Queen of removing pleasure ceilings and proving that it will not wreak your life - in fact it will transform you life.

My client and I sat with each other a while, and I asked her if she was going to be able to do her assignment of expanding her self pleasure the way discussed. She looked at me with her dark open eyes and said; "Sometimes I say to myself; Self - what made you think you can do this? Take it to another level? Experience something more? And then, I get kinda angry with myself! Why not? I've got the goods to do it! It's about time! Well, why not me? It's time to move my pleasure ceiling."

So where are the "Pleasure Ceilings" in your life? Where are you frightened that if you moved them up higher, or break them down completely that something awful will happen? I promise you that things might change, transform and look different - that's true. But I bet the view will be so much more beautiful with a sun roof.

Loving you from here,

Pamela