Will I Be Safe? Exploring Hands on Sexual Healing

I talk to literally hundreds of women that are exploring cutting edge humanistic sex therapy, somatic sex education or more simply stated - hands on sexual healing and exploration. The number one question is "Will I be safe?". That's the most complicated question to answer, because there isn't a straight forward response! What does being safe mean to you? Of course you will not be harmed in any kind of physical or emotional way. That is the hope whenever we see a professional holistic practitioner that we trust with our care. But safe? A part of me wants to answer..."Of course not! And isn't that the point?" Is that why you are truly showing up? Or are you showing up to push your boundaries and comfort zones? To feel things that you have only read about in books? To explore and heal places that perhaps you could not get to through pills, shakes, and Dr. Oz?

Going deeper into your body and mind can be really challenging. Sometimes, it can really make you feel uncomfortable because you are touching all kinds of new and old feelings. So, no, you will not be safe from any of that. Sometimes, you may feel like you want to run away. That is a challenge any time that we want more in our lives. It's about digging in, and getting terribly real with ourselves. That's what hands on therapy provides.

It's an opportunity to explore your sexuality, desires, and body image in a way that is all about you.

Step-by-stiletto step, it can feel exciting, eye opening, earnest, pleasure filled, and magical. On your journey you will be flipping the switch on your erotic engine in ways that you never thought was possible. That’s the powerhouse motor fueled by sexual energy that propels every aspect of a woman’s life--sexual pleasure, relationships (from mother-daughter to lover to her own body), education and even success in business.

Safe? Will I be safe?

Well, it all starts with you. Your body. Your humble vagina and your precious pelvis. Every woman’s got one. The problem is it’s only the rare woman who knows how to access and use its magic powers for self-transformation.

That's what hands on, somatic practice is offering. An opportunity to explore this place in yourself and learn how. The goal is to power up, rediscover or perhaps to find for the first time that hotbed of energy and harness it to unleash each woman’s full potential.

Do you want to feel integrated, powerful, sensuous and seen? Do you want to look at your sexuality through a different lens then you ever have before? What if sex is not just there for attracting men, orgasms or making babies? And what if you could have all that and the secret sauce too if you wanted it?

Naomi Wolf has taken on the subject of the vagina-heart-brain circuit in her inevitably controversial treatise and NY Times bestseller, “Vagina: A New Biography.” Though it’s met wild adulation and bitter criticism, the message is compelling. When the circuit, a dopamine-oxytocin-opiate loop in physiological terms, is intact and uninterrupted, women are in a state of genuine well-being: capable, confident and sexy. When that loop is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused women numb out. They get depressed, anxious, have low libido and dare I say it, suffer “hysteria.” While Wolf’s analysis may be bitterly contested by some, her understanding and defense of the genital-brain connection is one that we've studied and established empirically.

What she didn’t explain in any great detail is how to acknowledge and complete that circuit so that we women are steadily charged, activated, open to and ready for life. That’s what this is all about.

Will you be safe? Is perhaps forever changed safe?

Yes....you will be safe in the deepest sense of the world. And you will also be busted open, and alive like you have never been in your entire life.

Do you want to know more? Contact me for a free "Curious Critter" session. Just send an email to Pamela@beingshameless.com and put "Curious Critter" in the subject line!

The Guts To Do Something Different

I know, I have talked about doing something different before. I will again. Because it is such a big, important skill set to learn. It takes guts to do something different.  In somatic sex education (through the body) we talk a lot about re-wiring neural pathways to sexual pleasure. That is what can happen when you do hands on work with a somatic sex practitioner. It is an amazing experience.
But there is also another piece to the puzzle on sex and relationship, and that is reprogramming our emotional neural pathways. What happens when you begin to feel restless, unsettled, anxious? Can you stop a minute and notice the hotness? That moment when you instantly grab for something? You know the something....that thing that you do when you are in one of those moments. Do you constantly threaten to leave your relationship? Do you withdraw? Abuse a substance? Throw things? Is it the same thing that you do repeatedly? Does it get you anywhere different? My guess, is that it doesn't. Think about doing something different ahead of time. What do you want to feel? How do you get there?

When you feel it coming on, just stop for a minute. And bring in your pre-planned new pattern of behavior or wing it! It can be really hard to do this. We want to reach for the familiar because even in it's dysfunction - it comforts us. Ask for support for this change in response from your friends, lovers, partners, therapists and coaches. It is through this constant paying attention and witnessing of our own emotional reactions that we can create the sexy, playful, beautiful experiences that we want to fill our lives.

 

Surviving The Relationship Roller Coaster

Maybe it is my age, or the age of my friends. But we all seem to be going through exactly the same stuff - just in different forms. We take turns talking about lovers, husbands, partners and how we are able to take care of ourselves while we ride the roller coaster of relationships.

We talk about the intensity; our the desires and the pain. The questions about whether or not to go forward and how do you let go. We worry about regret and how to take care of others while taking care of ourselves.
The problem seems to be in assuming that there is one truth, one deep authentic truth, about a relationship... and whether people admit that or not they tend to hold onto a universal wonder that sounds something like this:  "I will never truly know how he/she feels in his heart about me".

Well, most likely, neither will he or she.  We don't settle on one truth forever. Emotions move and flow, and if you think you can keep them in a box, forget about it. They will never stay the same.

Real life  is much more nuanced and paradoxical . Plus the deeper the relationship, the more obvious the extremes.

Think about some of your hottest relationships. You may experience ongoing waves of emotion. One day yes, one day no.  Sometimes, you can swing between these extremes for months and months and months.

This, to me, is not a sign of vacillation or weakness but a keen observation of how it works to be human.

To my eyes and heart, the highs are in intimate lockstep with the lows... it's like pushing a child on a swing, back and forth... the swing can't go further forward without also going further back...

Once I stopped believing this should be different than it is, I fell into the most amazing peace... embracing the highs and lows as they come.

Come on, I have shared with you here a  that secret most people would never believe: that there's an intimate connection between pleasure and pain... more intensity in one brings more intensity in the other.

It's the same here with emotions and "truth". Pulling back allows a deeper penetration... separating sets the stage for merge...

Sometimes, we have to suck it up, breathe through it, surrender to the simple truth of it. The essence of passion is paradox. The essence of comfort is predictability. What do you want?

This is simply how the process works.

If you feel like you are drowning in your relationship. That the high and lows are flooding your soul, I am here to say that you are not drowning. Whatever you choose will be perfect. These deep karmic relationships have a life of their own and people make up stories about why they make the choices that they do. But this is waaaay beyond rational choice or even emotional choice at times. Trust your body. You will know when to step forward, and when to step back... your body is telling you... now that you have opened your body, it can be your guide and compass.  You are doing the work. Now you can fire on all cylinders.

Enjoy the waves.
Loving you from here,

Pamela

An Invitation to do Something Different....

It has begun. The time between Thanksgiving and New Years where we prepare for Winter with celebration before we officially turn inward to the time of resting, re renewal and gentle change. Today is "Black Friday" and the world is out shopping. I find myself doing something different. I am reading old letters. Letters of love, sex, and anticipation. Letters of heart break and misunderstanding. Do you ever do that? Go back and read your life? Recount the memories? Touch the soft spots? Long for more of them? A beautiful man sent me this poem a long time ago. He loved me and wanted to know what made up the marrow of my bones. The poem below still speaks of the truth that I seek in myself, in my friends, in my beloveds. I share it with you on this day of consuming....it's a different kind of invitation.

Read this. And then think about sharing something tender with another or yourself. Write about something deep in your heart that connects you to what is real. Blog it. Mail it. Text it. Reach out today and share something authentic.Start a conversation. Be generous with love. Move a heart in your life. Today doesn't have to be about leftovers and shopping. It can be something different.....

An Invitation:

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Loving you from here,

Pamela

A Year of Pleasure: Do You Have a Pleasure Plan?

It's an interesting question, isn't it? I spend hours everyday "channeling the Goddess" in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a "Pleasure Plan" and often that means reaching out of the box! How do we feed ourselves pleasure? Perhaps it's not the story book romance that we thought we would have in our lives. Or our marriage beds have cooled, or there isn't a partner at all. Or maybe we just want something more or different? What then? Do we simply crumble and find ourselves in a very long season of discontent? Screw that. Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own "Year of Pleasures". Start a journal about it. Blog it here in the community. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

I am dedicated to living a life filled with pleasure, and I love to inspire pleasure appreciation in others. It's my work, and it's my passion. Pleasure is my creative rocket fuel for all the parts of my life - and it can be yours too.

It's okay to go digging in your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure.  January1st is just around the corner. Why not begin to plan for a new kind of New Year's Resolution? How about declaring your own "Year of Pleasure"?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing a coaching series with me! The Queen of Pleasure! Let me help you tap into what you want, and let figure out how to get it. Learn about Coaching with "The Pleasure Doula" here!

2. Layout your calender and your finances!Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a "Pleasure Retreat". I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn't have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! If you are a woman - consider joining me, Will and Ron at our winter "Back to The Body - A Sensuous Retreat For Women" limited to only six women! The timing is perfect for a New Year's Kick off for a year of pleasure or an early Valentine's gift to yourself.

5. Consider a private retreat with a hands on practitioner, and go on your own Shameless Journey......and yes.....of course I can help you there too! Don't know what I am talking about?

Read my book! Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner!

Face your life, and look to your desires, leave no path untaken.

The point is to make a plan. These are some ideas to get you started, and an offer of help.

Wanna talk about a Pleasure Plan? Send an email to Pamela@beingshameless.com and we can set up a free consultation.

Loving you from here.....

Pamela

Learning To Trust Your Own Vagina

I am deep in the world of vaginas.  I am watching "Hysteria", reading Naomi Wolf's new book, "Vagina: New A Biography", and busy planning the details for"Back to The Body: A Sensuous Retreat For Women". I went to sleep literally holding mine in my hand, and lulling myself to sleep. My vagina gives me comfort, pleasure, and is literally the biggest tool in my tool chest for my own continued transformation. I want that for all women.

It makes me so sad that many women don't trust their own vaginas. We have so much fear about them, and create a world of Grimm Fairy tales around them.  We worry that we smell funny. That we won't orgasm, or lubricate enough, or that our vulva is funny looking. We worry that our vagina will take too long to give us pleasure and that our lovers will get bored or tired.
Most of the healing and relationship building I have done with my own vagina has been through vulva massage and through talking about vaginas in the company of other women. Most heterosexual women have never seen another woman's vulva. We have no idea of the different shapes, colors and textures. Many men know more about vaginas than women because they actually get to see them, and touch them.
Most women are left alone, in isolation with our vagina for our entire life. We don't even have words we are comfortable with to name our vagina, and way too many women cannot name the landscape of their own vulva. Let's face it. Nobody talks about their own vagina. Women talk tons about their relationships with men, but when was the last time (if you own a vagina) that you talked about your vagina?
I believe that women need way more touch on their vaginas then they are currently getting. I am not necessarily talking about love making. I am talking about vulva,clitoral, vaginal and g spot massage. Women can learn to do this for themselves, and it is absolutely awakening to us, to simply be able to lie back and receive this. It can bring you into a place of transcendence. It will open you up to parts of yourself that you didn't know existed. Emotional weather will come in like a tornado, and leave you in sunshine. You may cry, scream or laugh. You may have an orgasm, or you may not. The more you receive genital massage the deeper you will go. You will wake up in ways you cannot even imagine. And once you wake up your vagina - you will touch your own beloved, and she will never leave you. You might even lull yourself to sleep, gently holding her.
The feminine spirit lives there, and we need to teach women how to access it. Why don't we teach girls about vaginas and the emotional powerhouse that is stored in them? That is the endless question, that there are way too many answers too. But we can take control now, and teach ourselves. It is never too late to access the power of your own vagina and learn to trust her. One tool, might be to listen to "Self, Love and Sexuality" my meditation created to take you inside your own vagina.
Your vagina is beautiful, desirable, and can help you release the creative potential that you hold inside of yourself.  If you want help in your explorations, please reach out.
Loving you from here,

Pamela

 

Re-Inventing Yourself Again

I think it has finally happened. I am in firmly in my second adult hood. I am not who I was, only older. I am approaching a new frontier in my own life with new ideas and responses. My priorities are changing. What about you? Here are a few of the tell tale signs that you are about to shed a skin and reinvent yourself again:

* an impulsive decision to do something out of character

*a willingness to take a calculated risk into the unknown

*a determination to make contact with ones' authentic self and tap into the true passion there

*a desire to become a source of truth about life for the next generation

*the delicious freedom of looking the latest expectation in a life time of expectation in the eye and saying "not me, Not now!"

Do you feel the twitch? Perhaps that is why you are here, in this community. Answering the question "What is next?" is challenging. You might not draw on your past experiences. What was, may no longer fit all. As the journey goes forward you may need to get to know this new persona a little bit. Welcome your new outlook, new confidence, new dreams. We are not programmed to fade away. As we move into this place of reinventing ourselves, we might find that we are better suited to new challenges than we ever were in the past. As you move forward in your new explorations, this unfamiliar persona, this mischievous Tinkerbell at our ear, matures into the voice we count on most. It gets stronger, more authoritative , more philosophical, more courageous.

People reinventing themselves, in their second adult hood are different than anyone else. They tell the truth.

Listen to your voice.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

 

Naomi Wolf, The Vagina and What Every Woman Needs To Learn!

Naomi Wolf is making a stir with her new book "Vagina: A New Biography". And I love it. She is talking about what so many of already know, and that is that a woman's heart is connected to her vagina. And that arousal and orgasm is more than pleasure in the dismissive way that our cultures talks about it. It is the power engine of a woman's body. It is the place from where women create from, and when it is frozen and numbed down - so are women.  So many cultures have known this for a long time, and a tremendous amount of time and energy has gone into shaming women about their vaginas. It helps keep women small and less powerful Ms. Wolf  points to neuroscience, and Sexological Body Workers can tell you that training and retraining neuro pathways in our bodies to help us reconnect with our bodies in a entirely new way. We are on to this! And so is Ms. Wolf! I love this, and the shit storm it is kicking up! I love that my voice as small as it is next to Ms. Wolf's, has another ally out in the world to sing with.

It is time to transform our understanding of sexuality for women, and we have so screwed up so many women when it comes to their own relationship with their vagina that we need more places, coaches and practitioners aligned with this information to support women to make their own connections,restore, expand and harvest the power of their pelvis.

Yes, there is a vagina-brain connection that Ms Wolf talks about. And we tend to shut it down, or ignore it. Woman are trained to do this. We need to help untrain them. Because it is only through that connection that women will really reclaim their power.

From Ms. Wolf:

"The new science has established a radically new insight: that there is such a strong brain-vagina connection in women that many of the neuroscientists whom I interviewed called it "a single system". More remarkably, few of us know that when a woman has an orgasm – and, even before that, when she feels empowered to think about pleasurable sex, anticipate it, focus on how to get it, and feels in control of and knowledgeable enough about her body to know she can probably reach orgasm during sex – her brain gets a boost of the neurotransmitter dopamine. Then, in orgasm, opioids and oxytocin are also released. This experience does not just yield pleasure, a fact that is well known; it also yields specific states of mind.

Dopamine is what I call the ultimate feminist neurotransmitter: it yields motivation and goal-orientedness, trust in one's own judgement and, most notably of all, in my mind, confidence. (Cocaine, for instance, powerfully stimulates release of dopamine – hence the crazy confidence and sociability of coke users, at least under the influence, responding to that boost). Opioids give the brain the sensation of ecstasy or transcendence; and finally, oxytocin – which can be released both when a woman's nipples are being stimulated and during the contractions of orgasm – creates a sense of bonding, caring and intimacy. Oxytocin has been shown in studies to give people with heightened levels an advantage in reading the emotions of faces.

So, given this chemical bath, it is fair to say that the vagina is not just a sex organ at all, but a powerful mediator of female confidence, creativity and the sense of the connections between things.

Realizing the nature of this brain-vagina connection led me, as a feminist, to have the next obvious insight. If female anticipation of pleasurable sex, and female orgasm, led to this kind of mood-alteration – among many other newly-documented outcomes I report on in the book – this also explains why female sexuality, and the vagina in particular, have been controlled, abused, targeted, derided and shamed. And why women have been mystified and kept in ignorance of their own sexual responses – for five millennia, certainly in the west. The dopamine loop also, of course, explains why some cultures practice cliterodectomy and infibulations – practices that we should now understand alter not simply the body and sexual functioning, but the influences on the female brain itself."

So today in the height of feminism 30% of all women report a disconnection from their sexuality and their vaginas. They are unable to reach orgasm or receive pleasure in sexual activity. The female pelvis is wired differently than the males. And is incredibly powerful.

Does this information make you feel more committed than ever to connect back to you body - and finally figure this out? I hope it inspires you to take those risks, and travel to those places that you were too scared to go. It's why Will, Ron and I created "Back To The Body: A Sensual Retreat For Women". We are going to be tackling all of this during our retreats, and we are going to help you feel what it is Ms Wolf is talking about!

Our November Retreat is full (There is a waiting list forming and you can get on it). But more importantly we will be running another one in February (dates coming soon). If you are interested in exploring this work with professional guides and a small intimate group of women - don't be discouraged that November's retreat is currently filled. Call me anyway, and let's talk. We can figure out a plan for your next move, a plan of action, and the next retreat. It will all be happening faster than you think - and there is work to be done! Your vagina is tired of waiting!

There is nothing more powerful than your vagina and your pelvis, Ladies. It's time to connect, go deep, go forth your erotic creature, unleash the power of your pelvis and create your life from a brand new place!

Send me an email at Pamela@beingshameless.com -

Loving you from here,

Pamela

 

Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone!

Are you ready to do it? You know what it is - that thing you have been wanting so badly? Are you ready to move outside of your comfort zone and really go after it? Think of it as going on a safari into your new way of living your own life. Put on your sun screen, pack your map, the bug spray, plenty of snacks (you don't want to be hungry in the middle of the jungle), and make sure you have good comfortable walking shoes. If it was me, I would also be packing some really sexy underwear - because I want to sashay into my adventure! Build your team. Who is on it? Do you have a guide? Folks to help you cut down the great big vines? You can go it alone - some adventures are fabulous solo. But personally, I have always liked a team around me, even if their only job was to cheer me on. Franky, the cheering section is not over rated!

There is no easy way to get what you want. But there are lots of fun and adventurous ways. It might not be easy - at least in the very beginning when you are asking yourself to step outside of your comfort zone to get the goodies. Don't buy the snake oil, swallow the magic pill, or talk yourself in circles about the wouldas, couldas and shouldas. Sometimes, like is a Nike commercial: we have to just do it.

I believe in you. I know that each day you are taking the next step, and moving your own personal obstacles out of the way. You know their names don't you? "Obligation", "Resistance," "Shame," "Anxiety", "Fear" "Selfishness", "Money", and "Work". I am sure that I left a few out - but you get the idea. All of these feelings live in our comfort zone with us! They help us stay in it - by waving their warning flags. They don't want us to leave them behind!

But I can tell that your bags are packed, and you are ready. I can't even imagine the places, adventures, and pleasures that await you. You so can do this. And I hear that this is the perfect time of the year for a safari!

Leading the way and loving you from here,

Pamela

Can You Dare To Eat?

Can you feel your hunger? I am so sick of diets. And I don't mean food restriction diets either. There are so many different kinds of diets that we are either put on, or put ourselves on. There are financial diets (we call them budgets), There are sexual diets (often we are put on these by partners who cannot meet us erotically, or by our own stubbornness in not being willing to get to know our own bodies and feed ourselves), there are emotional diets (where we settle for "emotional crumbs" given out by friends, lovers and ourselves when love is parceled out in tiny bits and pieces - often just enough for us to "stay in") and then there are food diets where we restrict according to the latest information about how to be oh so beautiful.

Damn, I could go on and on - because I have been on every diet known to mankind. And if I wasn't on a diet, I was numbing my desire out with food addiction or shopping. Anything not to feel the absolute need in my body for things that I felt were not for me, or just out of reach. And then I had to stop the addiction, because there was no choice. My eating disorder had to go, and in it's place came lots and lots of big powerful feelings.

In the Shameless Community right now, so many of our close to 700 members are writing about our own re-birthing process out of numbness into being fully erotic creatures again. The blogs are raw, sexy and stunning, and they inspired me to write this blog!

No matter how far we are into this journey - it is an always process. I believe if you think you have arrived, you probably have gone back to numbing again in some way. We are always growing and changing - we are always in some stage of growing into and out of our skin).

The good news is that there are plateaus of coming home to yourself where you just get to roll around in the sheer joy of it all. And sometimes the process of getting back truly into our bodies is full of incredible pleasure and unbounded playful self discovery.

I would love to invite you to take a minute and be still. Allow yourself to feel the hunger of desire in your beautiful body and then close your eyes and ask yourself two questions:

1. What do you want?

2. What is getting in your way?

You may need to ask this question of yourself ten times for each question! Write down your responses. These are deep soul questions. And then look at the "diets" you have put yourself on. Are you ready to eat?

Loving you from here,

Pamela

The Place Where Sexy Flows

Lately, the gift of vulnerability and body image has been on my mind. I have just returned from coaching the newest class of Somatic Sex Educators to reach for certification.  I was there to  support their learning, but as it is with all things - I learned a great deal from them. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the experience cracked my heart wide open.  It was one of the most vulnerable experiences of my life, and it opened up a brand new place of creation for me. There is a physical and  spiritual liberation and power that happens through vulnerability. I was reminded of that this morning from one of the members of my Shameless Community in her blog. It was a great reminder. What I have discovered, is that I am not truly living and not in my power  if I don't open to the power of my own vulnerability. If you have never heard Brene Brown talk on "The Power of Vulnerability",  do it today! And if you have heard her, please listen again. It's that good and that's important. It is truly our work.

It's the place from where  sexy flows.

And my sexy has never been more in the flow. What is that about? Lately, what has been put in my face is what people are saying about me. How my physical appearance has been changing. The shape of my body. The softness of my demeanor. How my secret weapon is my big generous heart. My openness. And it has been a lot of that...holding all of how people are seeing me. And some of it, I don't love either. Folks wanting me to be smaller. Take up less air time. Jealous feelings. But they are all sacred mirrors. Right? It is beautiful and overwhelming. What was I before? Am I really so different or are they just seeing me in a new way? What about me has changed to allow others to see who I am, or am I really any of it at all?  It makes me feel vulnerable. And then it occurred to me that I always feel vulnerable, and if I am not feeling vulnerable about something - I tend to go find something to feel vulnerable about! The lack of vulnerability, the lack of a low undercurrent of anxiety in my life is usually an indicator that I am not living to my fullest.

And that apparently is a great big key for living an incredible full and connected life. Being willing to be vulnerable. And I truly believe that this starts with our relationship with our body and our sexuality. Being willing to go deep and be vulnerable with ourselves in ways that you may never have imagined is possible. That has been my secret to living life as a turned on woman. And I want to share it with you. I want to invite you into being vulnerable and letting the sexy flow in your own life and it is never too early or too late to move your feet in the direction of your heart and begin to open more to  vulnerability.  That is my secret weapon.  According to researcher, Brene Brown, " Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, and love and whole heartedness".  When you can be brave enough to lean into this place  I truly believe that you will open to an entirely new level of  creativity and sexiness in your life.  I have gotten in my heart of hearts, that it is my openness to this that makes me truly beautiful - not my ass, or my tits. Vulnerable is what makes you beautiful. The hard part is recognizing where your fear is. And once you do, putting your feet in that direction. It's not always comfortable, but the results are incredible.

Sometimes it is just about being willing to learn into your fear, and not know if what you are doing is going to work out.  It's about not always knowing the script.  So here comes my invitation to you! Are you ready to go where the sexy flows inside of you?  Are you willing to be open to being vulnerable and have a completely new and extraordinary experience?   I hope so! It will forever change your life. It will bring you up close, and lovingly in the place of vulnerability and transformation.

"Back to The Body: A Sensuous Retreat For Women"

Back to the Body is a unique offering created for women to come together and immerse themselves in the pleasure of their own sensuality in a safe structured environment. More than a circle, this is a retreat that has been created to allow you to connect to your own Inner Goddess in the loving presence of women on a similar journey.

Come be held in Her arms, experience the full sensual possibilities that are present in your glorious body.  Ride the waves of pleasure deep into the mysteries of the feminine.  Dance in your own desire and play in the full expression of your sexuality. This retreat is limited to six women, and will be facilitated by renowned sex, love and intimacy coaches Pamela Madsen (www.bengshameless.com),  and Ron Stewart (http://www.skycladyoga.com) as well as another Sexological Body Worker on our team.

Is it time to reclaim, go deeper or celebrate your body? Join us.

A Taste of What You Can Expect:

  • Daily Hands on Taoist Sensuous Body Work Provided By Will Fredericks and Ron Stewart, Certified Sexological Bodyworkers
  • Additional sessions of one on one touch on various areas of your body such as pelvic floor release, scar tissue remediation,  or breast massage
  • Spa services including mani/pedi and facials
  • Organic Cooking and  Tantric Dining Experiences
  • Ritual Sensual Bathing Experience
  • Hands on workshops and daily practice with yoga, movement, meditation and dance
  • Opportunities to be silly, laugh and play
  • Group discussions on body image, orgasm, sexuality, speaking desire, understanding boundaries and how to open to more pleasure in our daily lives.
  • Surprise Events!
  • Fun Goody Bag (and I do mean FUN)

All participants will receive one additional coaching session with Pamela after the retreat completes.

This retreat is being held on a property known as Deer Leap. This place is a true sanctuary which will allow you to completely release yourself from daily obligations so that you may fully engage with your own present self, and nourish your body, mind and spirit. To fully immerse yourself in your Back to The Body  journey, consider this space a getaway in our beautifully furnished suite.

The living area is a 800 square-foot studio apartment which boasts vaulted ceilings, a wood burning stove, eclectic furnishings, private deck, and laundry services. This cozy yet spacious suite sleeps  6 people. We are going to have a fabulous sexy pajama party under it's cozy and restful roof.

The well-equipped kitchen and rustic dining table will show case our amazing organic and communal meal which will sometimes feel like intimate dinners and at other times feel like sumptuous feasts!

The suite has Internet access and TV with DVD player, sound system with iPod connection. The studio/spa is connected to our suite and we have two full bathrooms. The retreat also offers infrared sauna, and a large soaking tub where we will have our bath ritual.

The property is called Deer Leap which celebrates its 100th anniversary in 2014. A beautiful and majestic reminder of life in simpler times. The suite is located on a seven acre private landscape of trees, mountains and a hike up the hill will be rewarded with views of the ocean.

Originally built as a summer house for a shipping family, Deer Leap has passed through many ages and incarnations and now rests peacefully once more as a gracious home for a thriving family. Our hope is that your time at Deer Leep will welcome in the processes of healing and transformation that will take place through practices of sensuous massage, body scrubs, infrared sauna, dance, yoga, intimate conversations, and a spirit of play.

The Back to The Body Retreat is the event that will take place as you leave the city and arrive in this quiet part of the world surrounded by natural beauty.

Important Details:

Dates: July 3rd through July 7th. Cost: $4,000 inclusive of lodgings, food, pick up and drop off at airports and ferries, all services and special events

If you would like to set up a time to chat about coming, please send me an email at Pamela@beingshameless.com. xoxo Pamela

The Un-Open Yet Flexible Marriage

Have you read Sex at Dawn which makes the case that we humans are at our core not monogamous creatures? That in many ways monogamy is a societal concept - imposed on us by religion and many other factors. I loved the book, but for me personally it's a big leap from there to being polyamorous or in an open marriage. And yet my memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about wanting more....and staying married.  My personal ethos keeps evolving, but the same question keeps being raised: So, how do you get more - and stay monogamous?

Is there a solution outside of going from marriage to marriage in a serial monogamy routine that so many of us fall into because we need more on some level? Is there something in-between monogamy and full out polyamory or open marriage? Right now this is a hot topic in the world of sexuality and relationship.

Is polyamory the  new more accepted term for Open Marriage? We are certainly hearing that term more and more and some are saying that it is next big sexual revolution. I am living something else - which I call the Monogamish Marriage. Which is a kind of  middle ground of sorts. When I first thought of the term "expanded monogamy" I thought that I had coined a new term. But a quick search on google turned up several references to expanded monogamy with different definitions. In my version of expanded monogamy - a couple sets the rules of sexual exploration that fit with their own set of personal boundaries that in my own rule book does not include taking a traditional lover. In my take on expanded monogamy - I am not talking about what been called an "Open Marriage". My version has boundaries that may seem outside of the box for some - but for others may seem quite restrictive. What is agreeable to one couple may not be agreeable to another. In my story - Shameless - I realize that I created a form of expanded monogamy and developed with my husband a way for me to explore my sexuality that did not fit the traditional outline of monogamy but was not polygamy either.

I explored the concept of polyamory by reading a wonderful book on the subject by Deborah Anapol - but the concept was quite right for me. I need something else - new language! And if I have learned anything in my years as a fertility advocate and sex educator - if we don't have language for something - we get very confused. We are also not so good at finding middle places in our society.  It feels like every day  people  ask me questions like "How did your husband feel about you going to a Tantra workshop?" or ""Did you husband get jealous of you working with hands on sexual healers?" What about your explorations of Bd/Sm? How does he feel about that? No matter where I am in the country - I am asked the same questions over and over again about my adventures into the underground world of sacred sexuality. In my search for language - I am embracing the term expanded monogamy or being monogamISH and I would like to introduce it to you if you are unfamiliar with it. In my own expanded monogamous marriage - I have had  room to go to sexuality workshops that include me exploring my own sexuality with myself and with others within boundaries and usually in a supervised workshop setting. I am able to be playful in my sexuality - which keeps my own inner fire alive and my marriage sexually interesting. It has become essential to me to be able to explore who I am as an individual as well as in my marriage.

In my own expanded monogamous marriage - both my husband and I have the space to work with sexological body workers who are there to support us on our own individual paths. We attended sexuality workshops - which may include us working with sexual energy techniques like moving our breath with other people - or eye gazing.

In my own expanded monogamish relationship, I explore Bd/Sm (think Fifty Shades of Grey) without my husband because he isn't interested in it, and it is a very important form of erotic expression for me.

Having the space to explore and experiment with my sexuality within the boundaries of an expanded monogamy has supported my 30 year marriage into a place where both my husband and I are happy and has helped us keep the light burning in our own marriage bed. Having room to expand your sexuality and explore over time may turn a once sexless marriage into something else.

Creating some room in our relationships for turning up the heat on our sexuality does not have to mean leaving the marriage or sneaking around.  We simply have to bring this possibility out into the world.

If we have the room to experiment and expand our own sexuality without shame - I believe that more people wouldn't leave their primary relationships. We just  more room to breathe. It's about creating sexual agreements that work for each partnership - and allowing each other the room to grow without ditching your lives.

 

Do You Know How To Communicate Your Desire?

When I opened my email this morning,  I received a little inspirational message. Do you get any of those magically delivered to your inbox every morning? They can be pretty cool. This morning my message from The Universe had this to say to me.... "A main 'Criteria of Consciousness' for the human experience, Pamela, is never having all you want. For as one dream comes true, another swiftly takes its place. Not having all you want is one of life's constants. And learning to be happy while not yet having all you want (which, as you can see, is constant), is the first 'Criteria of Joy.' Nail it, and for the rest of your life people will be asking what it is about you. Desire, is a beautiful thing".

Wow. I love it when "The Universe" knows exactly what I am spending my time talking to people about! And right now - I have been spending a lot of time talking to men and women around the country about desire - and the difference between knowing and owning your desire and actually acting on it.

Learning how to speak your desires is an incredible life skill to master. And learning to speak your desires - does not mean getting them fulfilled. In fact we may have many desires that we don't really want to have granted - and learning to speak our desires and not having them fulfilled is all a part of this practice.

The basics of this practice is to get in touch with your desires and state them. Such as "I really want to feel the my husband throw me on the bed and make love to me the next time he walks past me folding the laundry". Now how do we communicate that to ourselves - and our partners as a statement of desire? It could go like this "Honey - I really want to feel desired by you. Sometimes I think about what it could be like to feel you want me so badly that you would interrupt anything I am doing so that you can make love to me." Now...that is NOT a request - it is a statement of desire.

A request would sound like "Darling - when you see me doing a household task will you please grab me - throw me over your shoulder?" Or "Honey - I would like you to throw me onto the bed and make love to me." That is a request.

The difference is that in stating ones desire the "other" does not have to do anything about your desire. You are simply sharing intimacy, connection and offering your partner good information. But it is YOUR desire. You own it and the person that you are sharing it with does not have to do anything with it. There is no rejection in it for you - as you are not left hanging waiting for action.

With a request, you are expecting a response. It requires action on behalf of the other. To me - this is tricky business. It is full of subtlety. Can expressing my desire be a coy way of hiding or stating a request? Am I my own trickster? Can I think that I am simply expressing desire when I am instead hiding my requests? You have to be really clear about your own intentions

I think that mastering this skill of speaking desires - and separating that from speaking requests especially around sexuality is really important. When we are able to speak our desire around our sexuality - it is the beginning of removing shame.

Now...what if the listener does not know the differences between a request and an expression of desire....then what? What if the listener does not welcome expressions of desire? One might say that this does not matter. That the expression of the desire is not about the listener! It is suppose to be about the person expressing!

The expression of desire is so powerful and important to us as individuals - and I encourage you to practice it. Consider having a conversation with your partner about the importance of learning how to express desires - and the difference between desires and requests. Remenber, when you express desire there is no expectation of action on the part of the listener.  And in that boundary - there is incredible freedom in both the expression of the desire and the listening to it.

I acknowledge that these expressions make me feel vulnerable. So don't be surprised if this practice can do the same for you. There aren't many rules, but if you feel anxious about this practice....you are not alone. It's just so worth it. Once you start the ball rolling - letting your desire flow will create more possibility in your life and greater intimacy with your partner.

 

Mid Life Sexiness

I am here to shout from the roof tops that great sex does not have to end just because you are getting older! One of the most common questions that I am asked by my fifty something coaching clients is what can they do to keep it sexy after 50. So I have created some helpful tips to keep you humming! Are You Lover Ready? Never underestimate the value of breath mints! I am really not kidding - somehow when we are in relationship for a while, we let things go. We come to bed in sweat pants and torn tee shirts. We give our best at the office where we carry the peppermints - but sometimes come to bed without brushing our teeth! When you come to bed are you "Lover Ready" or more likely ready to turn your back? I always find the suggestion of a date night so cliché. But date nights are really important. It's important to leave those tennis shoes at home and get dressed up! It is only by courting each other that we get to remember the person that you fell in love with. Keep the connection and communication alive by not bringing your problems to dinner. Don't bring up the issues with the kids, or financial problems. Really they can wait! Instead focus on your dreams - and what kind of adventure your guys could plan if you could create the time away. In addition, if you can get away - go! The truth is that sex in a hotel room can be the best sex of all. Sex is about more than procreation and it can get better with age. Yes - sex changes as we get older. Our hormones wane - and this can actually be a good thing! If we are not in the frenzy of hormone driven sex - we can take advantage of the slowing down. There is opportunity in the slowing down where a deepening sensuality can grow. Remember that young sex is hormone driven. Those raging hormones get us running around those bases like we are in a race. Isn't it hard to taste your food while you are running? As our hormones soften - we can too and perhaps finally begin to truly pay attention to what we are doing. Slow down and get sensual. Let you hot deep desire soften into love and gentleness. Let go of what love making used to look like - that was so last year. It's time to let go of who you used to be as a sexual creature and say hello to who you are now. Many people believe that making love (sex) starts in our brains. It's about how you think of yourself. If you think you are old and your sexuality is dead then most likely you will act old and you sexuality will be dead. Instead - let's flip the sex switch back on - and let the blood flow!

 

Sex is About More Than Intercourse! It's time for an attitude adjustment! If you are a man over 50 - you do not need to be a roaring stallion anymore. Chances are your woman would be just as happy if you learned how to explore the other arts of love making! Explore things like oral sex and all body touch. Slow it down and do a little research on how to make your touch sexier. There are some great resources out there. Explore educational videos that can teach you how to use your mouth and hands more effectively! And maybe it's time to see what is going on at your local sex store! Sex toys are fun - and they can really inspire you to be innovative in your play!

 

The Changing Body

Both men and women experience changes in our bodes as we age. Women may find that they are now experiencing thinness in their vaginal walls and dryness. Men may experience a drop in testosterone while women are losing estrogen. Talk to your doctor about exploring Bio Identical Hormone Therapy. Some experts believe that changes in diet, increasing exercise, acupuncture and even doing kegals for both men and women can really help. Learn about the little blue pill, lubricants, arousal gels for women and become an innovative thinker. Menopause or Manopause is no reason for sex to stop. Sexless marriages and sexless single lives do not have to happen simply because we age or our bodies change. In fact these changes can bring added gifts. It is possible to become a hotter lover and be more sexually active than we ever were when we were younger. Come on....have you ever done a sexy Skype conversation with your partner? See? The possibilities are endless!

 

 

When Self-Loathing Comes a Knocking....

Most of us want to feel hot and sexy. We want earth-shattering orgasms - and to feel like those women look in those damn magazines sipping a Margarita with smoky eyes who are about to have the most incredible sex in the universe. Right? Maybe? Who knows - but I hate them. Seeing those images can make me feel confronted with what I am not and leaves me with this feeling that I am not enough. More than that - it is this feeling that I will never have in my life what I truly want because I just don't look like that.

And what is it that I want - you may ask? It's a simple thing really....I want to be deeply desired, and feel free in my body. I want to be able to know that I am sexy from the inside out and truly believe it - all the time! I want to be able to walk around naked and not worry about my ass shaking in a bad way! And don't give me platitudes.  I know them so well I could sing along.

I want to get so lost in my own wanton sexiness that orgasms flow from me like a water fall.  I don't want much - I just want to dance in my own inner sexy wildness! Is that asking for so much?

Lately, as I prepare to go on the first of many healing retreats, I have really been confronted with my own self loathing. It is shocking that I can still go to those places of calling myself names. After all, this true confession is being spoken by a woman who has professed to the world that I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by embracing my sexual pleasure. Am I a fraud - or am I simply real and honest? The fact is - that I have healed so much of the damage that I have walked around with for most of my life when it comes to my body image and my sexuality - but everyday as my feet touch the ground - it takes a little bit of courage to love myself just as I am. And that is the truth - to say anything else would be to over promise healing - like those 30 day miracle diets on television.

Several months ago in Wallstreet Journal there is a great article, Conquering Fear which is all about those nasty little voices in our heads that tell us that we are not enough - that we are fat and stupid. That our bodies are ugly - and that our boss hates us.

My book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale January 2011) is all about my funny, sexy, unconventional path to falling in love with myself again in the most unbelievable way.... And I did.

But  every now and then I get tweaked in an unexpected way. There are a few new videos that have been posted of me on You Tube from a conference that I recently spoke at - and frankly they make me cringe. I hope you enjoy them.  They make me cringe.

Every time I watch them - I get taken out of how I was "feeling" when I made those videos and I get stuck in how I believe I look. I hate my neck. My face is too round. I have a double chin in that angle. How did they shoot that angle? And I stop feeling sexy. Instead I get filled with self doubt - and worry. You see - I am a real woman. Isn't that reassuring? I am not going to give you pleasure platitudes and tell you that if you do this or that - all of your inner fears will go away completely. They don't. But it can get better.

This is what I can promise. If you work on embracing who you are - every single day just like a religious practice - things will change in your world.

In so many ways - it is like developing a healthy eating and exercising plan. There is a lot of self talk, and self encouragement that needs to happen. I have to do it too - even now.  Especially now! The voices of fear that tell us that we are not enough - or are broken in some way - don't ever really go completely away.

I hope that by showing up and being honest about how I feel and how I move through all of the hatefulness that I can throw at myself will inspire you to do it too. The fact is that most of the time these days - I feel smoking! I have a swagger to my step - and kick to my heels. I dress like a diva with a wink! And I still feel bad about my neck a lot.  You see - I still  have really big moments of self loathing. It's all a part of the process.....

Self loving is a practice. Let's practice together.

 

Desire is The Real Female Orgasm

Do you want to turn women on? Then you had better know our dirty little secret...it's what makes so many of us women feel sexy and raises our libidos about ten degrees. It's the feeling of being desired.Marta Meana said it best when she said that for most women "Desire is the real female orgasm". As women, we want to be the most desired fruit in the salad. We want our significant other - or simply admiring eyes to reflect back to us their desire for us - and this gives us more pleasure that most of us would like to admit to. It's not very politically correct now - is it? Well - here's a new flash for you - sexuality is not politically correct! I don't know about you - but I want to be swept off my feet by a suitor that just cannot breathe without me. Oh come on. You want it too! You know it's true. And if it's really, really, really isn't true for you as a woman - it is true for countless others. Why do you think romance novels are so popular? It's girl porn! It's where we get to read about the damsel being desired - courted - whisked away against her will - because his desire for her is so intense that he just must have her! And that turns on our feminine soul in such a hot deep place that the heroine falls in love. The end. This story is told again and again - marketed directly to women - to our core fantasy - and purchased in truck loads by countless women in countless Walmarts across the country every day. And yet - we are bashful about it. Aren't we? The question that I pose is why don't we us women simply cop to the fantasy? My theory is because it embarrasses us. We feel shame in having any desire that does not include us being in control at all times. We want to be feminists - and self sufficient. We don't want to "Need" men (or female lovers) - or look to the outside world for approval. It's not what we have been taught to want. But sexuality and desire - didn't read the play book. The way our desire works in as encoded in our DNA as the color of our eyes. So what happens to us as women when we no longer "feel seen" as sexual beings. What if weight gain, aging, or even disability makes us feel invisible to those outside eyes? What happens then to our female sexuality? What happens if we hate ourselves so deeply because of life events such as experiencing infertility or cancer that we turn in completely and switch off our sexuality button - so that nobody will see us anymore? Oh yeah - you know what I am talking about. Big ugly shapeless sweat shirts to name one stereotypical piece of female sexual camouflage. But it's true - we do it. We hide in so many ways. We make it so that no one could desire us - and that fulfills the prophecy that we are not desirable. I watched Geneen Roth on Oprah months ago and it still stays with me. These women couldn't stop talking about how they self loathed. It is a vicious cycle - of self hating - not being willing to be seen - and there fore not being seen. That shuts us down - and creates a host of problems for us. What kind of problems? Well how about low libido, depression, anxiety anger, sadness and all kinds of self abuse in the form of overeating and abuse of other substances as we try to feed something we can't name inside of us. I don't think that any of this can truly be cured in the form of a pink pill for women. It's so much deeper for us. For us - Desire is the Female Orgasm - and we have to return to a place in our selves first where we can learn to receive pleasure. Once we can decide that we are worthy of that first step - miracles can happen.