Four Hard Tips on Loving a Soft Penis

When men outreach to me; it's usually about their fears around having and sustaining erections. Men just like women worry about being enough and getting it on. And in our culture, it's all about penetrative sex (intercourse), big hard cocks, and staying power. But what if it's not? What if we allowed men to feel their bodies in different ways and as a result get to experience sex in the full spectrum of intimacy and pleasure? A hard penis is not everything when it comes to making love. It's simply  not all there is.

Going "Beyond Hard" Tips: 1. The number one myth of a soft cock is that the man is not feeling desire. This is simply not true. There are many reasons why a man has a soft cock before or during sexual activity that has nothing to do with his desire for you. So please do not take a soft cock as an indicator that your lover doesn't want you. It's sad that in our society we have been trained to believe that the signal of desire in a man is erection. Dump that myth.

2. Soft cocks can feel pleasure and can have orgasms. Many people ignore the soft cock. If he can't get it up, he can't have sex or orgasms.  Nonsense. The issue is that we have taught men that they are broken if they cannot get hard. So we shame them, and they withdraw. Men can experience pleasure, desire and orgasm with a soft penis. Some of the best masculine lovers I know do not have hard cocks. It's time to offer the soft cock the same appreciation that the hard cock can receive. Touch them, love them, and admire soft cocks - just like you would like to be desired, loved and admired. What if we allowed men to really feel the pleasure and intimacy of sharing a soft penis with their lover shamelessly?

3. Men are always expected to be "penetrative" not "receptive" when it comes to sex. In other words; their job is to be the "taker" and the "giver". He is the one who enters. During intercourse the penis may soften and along with that (if it is allowed and not shamed)  a man's heart may soften too. He may become more vulnerable with his lover and more open. The emphasis may shift in intercourse into a feeling that is perhaps more subtle and deeply intimate. If allowed, and not withdrawn it's possible for sexual energy to spread throughout the man's body and a feeling of connectedness may occur when he stops focusing on penetrating and simply floats in feeling and uniting with his lover's body.  What if everybody stopped performing sex and moved into feeling sex? As a sex educator, I spend a lot of time talking about women connecting their hearts to their vagina. What if men got to connect their cocks to their hearts too?

4.  When men are permission-ed to experience sexuality from a place of softness it's actually possible for them to experience what it's like to be penetrated by his partner energetically or with his partner's hands, or body to body. This is known as energetic sex and can be felt in the body of lovers as almost a meditative state of bliss. The love neurotransmitter Oxytocin can begin to flow between partners and lovers can experience a much deeper heart connection with less thrusting and movement. Think about bringing the focus to soft movements, breath, eye gazing, and body to body connection. How much can you feel everywhere?

Men who have lived their lives with erections and have depended on the "Hard On" to get it on, need to learn other ways of having penetrative sex. We can penetrate our lovers in so many ways; we just have to learn how. We simply don't teach men how to have penetrative sex without a hard on - and it can be amazing for the receiver to have something different than the usual offerings.

Men with soft cocks can learn how to "take" their partner just like a man with a hard cock. And there are opportunities to learn all kinds of ways to be the best lover you have ever been. Losing your ability to get a hard on or sustain one for a long period of time, might actually be a gift to your partner if you both can see it as an opportunity to learn what is available in the spectrum of sexuality and love making. Just getting hard and screwing can get pretty dull.

Sometimes, it takes what can feel initially like a loss to create an orgasmic opportunity!

Pamela and Mac Are Coming to Atlanta, GA and Asheville, NC!

I'm so excited! Sex educator, Mac S. McGregor and I are coming to the Atlanta, Georgia area AND Asheville, North Carolina (March 20th through 23rd in Asheville and leaving the Atlanta Area on the 24th). We are in town to speak at a conference, running a weekend of diverse workshops, find the workshop information here: https://www.facebook.com/events/773943422687523/ with two other incredible beings (Monique Darling and Peter Petersen). PLUS, Mac and I are offering private sessions for singles and couples (all genders and sexual orientations), while we are in the area. This is our first time teaching together and offering private sessions in Atlanta and Asheville.

Don't miss us. We don't want to miss you! Do you want to talk about the offerings and possibilities? Consultations are complimentary.

Shoot me an email at Pamela@backtothebody.org!

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Fifty Shades of Relationship: 8 Tips on Keeping it Hot and Together

I'm not just a sex expert, I've been"happily enough" married for 30 years. That's no small achievement and I'm happy to wear the merit badge. I also live an out of the box life erotically  and support others to evolve their own sexuality on their own and in their long term romantic relationships.  Recently, someone called me a "Marriage Whisperer" but we don't have to whisper. Let's face it, after you say "I do", you evolve.  If you don't evolve in your own life, you dry up and emotionally deaden. A sexual numbness can creep in like the fog on a San Francisco morning.  How can a person who is living an evolutionarily life expect their relationship to stay the same? Marriages, romantic relationships and live in partnerships need to shift and transform too other wise they fracture and die. I think that's the biggest reason for the  high split up rate in the United States.  Somehow, we think that if our relationship can't stay as it was when we agreed to "Happily ever after" that it's broken and it's time to move on.  Here's the thing, most likely you will confront the same issues again and again.

So how do you evolve and keep it hot and sexy in a relationship, marriage or long term partnership?

1. Commit to owning your own sexuality.  Have you really thought about what you want erotically in your own life? Do you have it? What has changed for you since you entered your relationship? It's crucial to do your own work. I have worked with countless women who have told me that they have never had an orgasm alone or with their partner.  Believe it or not, learning to access your shifting sexuality is often work best done at first without your partner!  Our sexual persona can sometimes get trapped in our relationship dynamics. Separating who you are sexually from how you engage with your partner is often the first crucial step.

2. Practice being sexual.  That's right, go flaunt yourself.  Wear clothing that makes you feel sexy.  Walk like you mean it. Go dancing. Read sexy books.  Touch your own body.  Change your look.

3.  Confront the fact that you might be sexually bored.  Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reason's relationships fail. Perhaps it's time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let's be clear, I'm talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!). It may be time for a "SexPloration Vacation".   Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together?  Or planned a private couple's sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here's the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant or caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that - most of us never learn to play erotically.  Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationship.  Trust me, you're not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money.  It's so worth it.

4. Compliment your partner.  When was the last time you told your partner that they did a great job giving you pleasure? Kindness and encouragement go a long way.

5.  When was the last time you brought something new to bed? That's right; I am talking sex toys. Take your partner on a desire tour. Plan a date around inviting something new and sexy into your relationship. There are so many new and exciting sex toys on the market. Grown ups like new toys too; buy one!

6.  Get real. When was the last time you and your partner actually talked about your sex life? Do it.

7.  It's only kinky the first time! What about sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner? This tip goes well with tip number 6.  And don't get discouraged if your first "kinky" experiment doesn't go well. Try again. We need to practice being sexual and trying new things! And consider doing something different that is just for your partner. Maybe you are not "into" being tied up but it doesn't freak you out and it really turns on your partner.  Maybe be willing to try it on for your partner if it is "neutral" for you.  Sometimes our kinks don't line up but they don't repulse us either.  Being able to offer your partner their sexual fantasy can be a great big turn on and can create an opening in your sexual relationship.

8.  Let the other person win the fight!  You don't always have to be right.  You know the expression: "Do you want to be happy or right?" Sometimes, it's worth it to let go of being right in favor of being sexy together.

Screw Resolutions: 4 Tips On Creating Your Own Sexual Evolution

I've got something for you to consider. I don't have any New Year's Resolutions because I made one big resolution when I turned 50 and that was to turn New Year Resolution's into New Year's Evolutions! I declared that I was going to make my 50's the fullest I could possibly make it. It's a "Decade Evolution" where everyday is all about bringing it up, turning it on, molding my life, self examination and expanding the conversations in my life. I choose my fifties to be as intoxicating and productive as possible. I decided to fill this decade with giving generously to others, expanding the conversation around sexuality, knocking down walls, honoring my heart, new adventures, and a personal expanded sexuality. Ordinary simply does not interest me and I have let go of this idea of arriving.

Richard Dawkin's the evolutionist says that you don't wake up one day and find yourself to be old. You just very, very, very slowly go through all the stages of your life until one day you notice that you have gradually gotten lines on your face, or your hair has shifted to gray along with the rest of you. And somehow, without even noticing you have gone from mid life to old age. The evolution of your heart and sexuality is like that too.

You don't take a course, or work with a coach, or even do a retreat and wake up sexually evolved or have love and relationships handled. It's an evolution of becoming. Of opening your heart to new possibilities and experiences. It's about building new pathways in our bodies and in our hearts.

Collecting the data and processing it all. Slowly, slowly, slowly we work our way to a place in our bodies and in hearts that is a kind of arriving until the next place. It can happen so slowly, that you can arrive in this expanded place of being one moment after days, weeks, months or years of evolution. The journey is a gift not to be rush. Each evolution a turning point.

What about you?

What if you choose a New Year's Evolution instead of a Resolution around your relationship with your sexuality, your body image or your relationships. What would change in your life? Can I inspire you to flip New Year's on it's ass? Evolve instead of Resolve?

It's so much sexier!

Tip Sheet For Your Erotic Evolution:

Now that you get that this is not a THING you do to ARRIVE, but a delicious journey that you go, of course I have some ideas:

1.  BEND: Re-Define and Re-Imagine Relationship: There is nothing like learning to bend and not break. And I am not talking about learning how to do a yoga backward flip in bed as much fun as that could be! But after 50, we have done some living and you don't need the same things you might have needed in your 20's and 30's in relationship.  You may not need a partner to raise a family with. You may still be happy in your 30 year marriage but bored sexually. How can you re-define and re-imagine your current relationship or create a new one? Change your expectations around who your perfect love and sex partner may be.  Try letting go of  old beliefs about what you need to be happy in love and sex.

2. PRACTICE SEX: Re-Claim Your Libido:   It's true what they say: "Use it or Lose it".  Yes, I know you may be in peri-menopause or menopause. You have have physical body changes and emotional body changes after 50. But what if I told you that this could honestly be the hottest time of your life? That you can evolve hotter after menopause? I know that to be true. But if you don't practice being sexual you will numb out instead of firing up.  Self Pleasure, buy sex toys. Read erotica. Just do it.  Vibrators, lubricants, hormone replacement therapies and anticipation are a must!  What we actually do about sex, relationships, our relationship with our bodies and the choices we make in regard to our sexuality are crucial.  We need to practice being erotic!

3. Re-Imagine Your Sexuality: Do you flirt? Do you put on clothing that makes you feel hot? Who would you like to be sexually? How can you evolve there? There is so much out there in the world to support women after 50 to re-imagine, re-define and re-claim their sexuality. Consider working with a sexuality coach or go on a sexuality retreat created just for women. They do exist.

4.  Move the Fuck On: I know. Not very classy. But this idea of throwing this phrase at unpleasant situations, relationships, or ideas can be very freeing. Just say it out loud: "Move the Fuck On"! And it fits so many occasions! Good bye old belief about what I deserve in life!  I'm moving the Fuck On! See you later, unappreciative boyfriend!  "I'm moving the Fuck on! See you later 2014! I'm moving the Fuck On! You know, it even can work with the "WAH WAH WAH" voice in your head that tells you that you are not enough, not loved, appreciated or seen. Even THAT voice. Sometimes, you just need to just "Move the Fuck on" in order to feel hot and sexy in your own body.

Funny how things that change overnight often are years in the making. Earthquakes for instance. Plates deep beneath the surface move, shift, bump and grind for eons. All that subterranean actions sends up warning tremors, little rumbles that are often too small to notice. Until the big one hits, the one that shatters windows, brings down buildings, and snaps bridges in two.

You can be an an erotic earth quake after 50.

You really can evolve.

The "Flexible" Marriage

Have you read Sex at Dawn which makes the case that we humans are at our core not monogamous creatures? That in many ways monogamy is a societal concept - imposed on us by religion and many other factors. I loved the book, but for me personally it's a big leap from there to being fully polyamorous or in an open marriage.

And yet my memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about wanting more....and staying married.  My personal ethos keeps evolving, but the same question keeps being raised: So, how do you get more - and stay monogamous? Or how do you expand on monogamous but stay out of OKCupid?

Is there a solution outside of going from marriage to marriage in a serial monogamy routine that so many of us fall into because we need more on some level? Is there something in-between monogamy and full out polyarmory or open marriage? Right now this is a hot topic in the world of sexuality and relationship.

Is "Polyamory" the  new more accepted term for  "Open Marriage"? We are certainly hearing that term more and more and some are saying that it is next big sexual revolution. I am living something else - which I call the Monogamish Marriage. Which is a kind of  middle ground of sorts.

Sexuality and relationship is all about taking what works for you and your partner and leaving the rest. I love the idea of creating a sexuality and relationship that is all your own. But we can learn from what others are doing. And I do. All the time. When I first thought of the term "expanded monogamy" I thought that I had coined a new term. But a quick search on google turned up several references to expanded monogamy with different definitions. In my version of expanded monogamy - a couple sets the rules of sexual exploration that fit with their own set of personal boundaries that in my own rule book does not include taking a "traditional lover".

Now, you may ask me what what taking a "Traditional Lover" means.  I might answer. I might not!

In my take on expanded monogamy - I am not talking about what been called an "Open Marriage". My version has boundaries that may seem outside of the box for some - but for others may seem quite restrictive. What is agreeable to one couple may not be agreeable to another. In my story - Shameless - I realize that I created a form of expanded monogamy and developed with my husband a way for me to explore my sexuality that did not fit the traditional outline of monogamy but was not polygamy either.

We are also not so good at finding middle places in our society.  It feels like every day  people  ask me questions like "How did your husband feel about you going to a Tantra workshop?" or ""Did you husband get jealous of you working with hands on sexual healers?" What about your explorations of Bd/Sm? How does he feel about that? How does your husband feel about you work at Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women?   Does he approve? No matter where I am in the country - I am asked the same questions over and over again about my adventures into the underground world of sacred sexuality.

In my search for language - I am embracing the term expanded monogamy or being monogamISH and I would like to introduce it to you if you are unfamiliar with it. In my own expanded monogamous marriage - I have had  room to go to sexuality workshops that include me exploring my own sexuality with myself and with others within boundaries and usually in a supervised workshop setting. I am able to be playful in my sexuality - which keeps my own inner fire alive and my marriage intact. It has become essential to me to be able to explore who I am as an individual as well as in my marriage.

In my own expanded monogamous marriage - both my husband and I have had the space to work with sexological body workers who are there to support us on our own individual paths. We attended sexuality workshops -  which may include us working with sexual energy techniques like moving our breath with other people - or eye gazing. This is what inspired me to create Back to The Body. I wanted a safe place for all women no matter their marital status to have a place to come to explore their sexuality.

In my own expanded monogamish relationship, I explore Bd/Sm (think Fifty Shades of Grey) without my husband because he isn't interested in it, and it is a very important form of erotic expression for me.  That is "Untraditional" love that I speak about, in case you were wondering.

Having the space to explore and experiment with my sexuality within the boundaries of an expanded monogamy has supported my 30 year marriage into a place where both my husband and I are happy and has helped us keep the light burning in our own marriage bed. Having room to expand your sexuality and explore over time may turn a once sexless marriage into something else.

Creating some room in our relationships for turning up the heat on our sexuality does not have to mean leaving the marriage or sneaking around.  We simply have to bring this possibility out into the world.  I do not hide.  There is no shame.

If we have the room to experiment and expand our own sexuality without shame - I believe that more people would not feel like they have to leave their primary relationships. We just may need more room to breathe. It's about creating sexual agreements that work for each partnership - and allowing each other the room to grow without ditching your lives.

Tips for Bringing "The Playful" Back Into "The Sexual"

Sometimes even sex educators can really caught up in our own brains.  We think, and we write, and we talk about sex a lot.  And frankly, sometimes we talk the sexy and the pleasure right out of sex!  And if you are like most people, you want to get out of your brains just for a little while, and you want to get into your bodies. You are yearning to laugh and to play. And you just can't remember the last time that you played with your sexuality.  When was the last time you did something different? Some people even put their noses up in the air and make groaning sounds at the very thought of being sexual with their partners or with even with their own bodies.

To truly experience what it is to have sexual freedom, we need to cultivate our erotic imagination.  For each of us, our sexual freedom and playfulness lies in our ability and willingness to create a sexuality of our very own. Forget normal.  In truth, what works for doctors and some psychotherapists putting the human experiences into boxes of normal and not normal does not always serve us when it comes to sexuality.

What if we were each invited to view our sexuality as a work of art, and I handed you a blank canvas that was the size of the biggest wall you had ever seen, and an endless supply of colorful paints, pencils and markers. What if I invited you to fill this tremendous blank canvas with your erotic desires? What if you felt truly free enough to create your very own sexuality without shame, judgement or inhibitions? What if I invited you to play in your sexuality?

The human erotic imagination may be one of the golden keys to having an extraordinary sex life.  So many of us are raised with a spoken and unspoken understanding of what is allowable when it comes to having sex.  We are raised with this idea of what is "normal' and "approved" and what is not.  Quite literally,  for many of us our erotic imagination get's shut down and we are left with a very short list of what is allowable for us in our expression of sexuality. Everything else is somehow made "taboo" or "dirty" or "not normal".

That leaves us with either filled with shame over desires that we may think are wrong, or we simply become numbed out to the possibilities.

For others, we may simply have not explored how to cultivate our erotic imagination.  So what makes up our erotic imagination? What are some tools to free up and explore our erotic imagination:

• Sexual fantasy is a great starting ground.  Allowing ourselves to travel freely in our own mind and explore without shame or putting any labels of judgement around our sexual fantasies.
• Reading erotica and romance novels can be a great place to put your erotic flint to stone.
• Wandering through a sex toy shop can also be a great place to cultivate your erotic imagination. Walk around and handle the toys. Often there are books and videos to explore as well.
• Explore the idea of sexuality being playful.  When we play we are free to get things wrong, experiment, try on different roles, laugh and even be foolish. What if we looked at sexuality as play?
• Put on costumes.  And this idea is not just limited to women.  Erotic lingerie can be a wonderful tool to assist our erotic imaginations. I know men who put on superman boxer shorts to get into the mood.  Are they exploring their erotic imagination? I think so.
• We can all cultivate our own erotic imagination and create a sexuality of our very own.  Let go of "normal" and invite in exploration and play.  The possibilities for sexual expression is as vast and limitless as the human mind. Come play.

Let's see if I can conjure up some a  few more ideas for bringing the playful back into your sexual.

Let's get started:

1. For couples for who bored, feel like there is nothing new to do with each other and are stuck in a rut. Here is my all time favorite game. I call it, "What's in Your Basket?"  This is a couple's game. Go into a sex toy store...or go on line and each person gets half an hour to put toys in their basket. Sometimes, "Showing" our desires and fantasies is SO much less scary than "Telling".

The couple meets up and they get to look into each others baskets. Oh la la!  I bet you will find things in each others basket that you had no idea they were interested in. Remember that when your beloved brings you their basket, they are bringing you an incredibly intimate and vulnerable part of themselves. Please receive the basket with as much love, and kindness as possible. You may be truly surprised and delighted by what is in the basket, and you might be blown away too! That's great!

Now, each person gets to pick three things from the other person's basket that they are willing to explore. This is where "Consent" and "Boundaries" come in. When you pick the items in your partner's basket you are only consenting to exploring the toy or fantasies that the toy represents. You are not consenting to do it. You are consenting to explore it. Talk about it and then decide how much you want to play. And you just might be a "Hell Yes"!  And you might be a "Maybe".  It's also really acceptable to be a "No".  The hope is that you can find three items in each others baskets that you can be either a "Hell Yes" or a "Maybe" too.

It's a great way to begin the conversation of "what turns my partner on" as well as opening new playful doors for the two of you to explore. And it's fun! Amazing openings and play has happened with this delicious heart opening game.  Enjoy the conversations and experiences. Go to dinner after and then go home to slowly explore and savor the play that will unfold.

2. For all of us: Do you have a secret sexual alter ego?  You now, the sexual person you might want to be if you didn't have any rules around who you had to be in your real life as a sexual being? Have you ever spent time with your sexual alter ego? Playing on line with your secret sexual alter ego can be a lot of fun. Some people write blogs, develop Facebook pages, join sexy on line communities such as "FetLife" in order to explore and play with their secret sexual altar ego.  It's called having a "Scene Name". Some people even going out and  buying clothing for this part of themselves, and will go out in cities or areas of their town where they are not known, and enjoy  being seen in this part of themselves that they normally wouldn't allow anyone to see them.  This can be a lot of fun and very playful.  This can also be a way of "Trying On" parts of yourself.

3. Do something really different. There are so many different kinds of retreats, trips, meet ups, and centers for sex positive explorations. Sex stores in your community may be running workshops. Go. Getting out and explore some of your edges.  They are waiting for you.

After 50 Vaginal Maintenance: What Every Owner Needs To Know

Are you "After 50" and a  proud owner of a vagina? If you are, you might have noticed that your vagina and her needs are changing.  Vaginas actually have an environment that shifts during our life cycle and what we expect of them. Vaginas need and enjoy attention; and knowing how to keep your vagina happy is very important because if your vagina isn't happy nobody is happy! Most of us know that vaginas are self cleaning ovens, a source of pleasure and a sometimes portal for life. But did you know that in the United States alone, six thousand women go into menopause every day?

Did you know that some of these women may experience uncomfortable dryness, pain and a lowering of libido.

Well, phooey on that (phooey is a scientific term for 'get outta here').

Yes, you can go the route of estrogen therapy and other pharmaceutical remedies. But for some women who have or have survived estrogen-receptor positive cancer, or are concerned that they may be at high risk for cancer, they can't use hormone therapy. And even if you do use these therapies; I think that my routine for vaginal maintenance could either be a stand alone or combined with western medicine.

Pamela's Tips For Vaginal Maintenance:

1.  Keep a bottle or jar of coconut oil (organic) in the bathroom. After you pee and wipe; put a little oil on your fingers and massage your inner labia and the area around the opening of your vagina. This will keep the skin of your inner labia and the opening to your vagina soft and subtle. Yes, do this every time you use the bathroom at home. 2. Buy a jade egg or Kegel Beads.  Not everyone has a partner, and even those of us that do have partners are not having intercourse enough for our vaginal health. Our vaginas needs to be exercised! If we do not provide our vaginas with regular stimulation we may experience the walls of our vaginas thinning or worse  vaginal atrophy can occur.  By wearing a jade egg or play with Kegel Beads, we are taking the health of our vaginas into our own hands.  The use of the egg or beads can also help you maintain your ability to create lubrication. The beads jump around in your vagina and literally work out the walls.  Many vagina owners report that they don't even notice that they are wearing the egg or beads. Just be care when you go to the bathroom! They could fall out! A great first step with the beads is sleeping with them inside you. You can wear the beads or egg all day. Experiment with them. 3. Use lubricants! Lube is really your friend. Don't let your partner use spit to create a wetter environment in your vagina(yes, some partners really try to get away with that!).  Sex doesn't have to be painful, and using lots of lubricant can make your vagina really happy. Use lubricate when you place your Kegel Beads inside of you, or when you use the Jade Egg.  Use lubricants when you play with sex toys.  Use lube! I like Sliquid Silk Lube and Hathor Aphrodisa Lubricant.

4. Check out Sex Butter.  Sex butter is also a natural lubricant, but it is also a stimulant.  Many women report that using Sex Butter has also supported them in easing vaginal pain. I keep it in my tool box.

5. Use insertables. That's right, I am talking sex toys that you can put in your vagina. Once again, this is about pleasure but it's also about keeping our over 50 vaginas happy! My favorite toys at the moment are made by njoy. These toys have body and weight to them. They can give a woman something to hold onto and I like that.  I highly recommend the "Pure Wand", "The Fun Wand" and the njoy "Eleven". These toys are made out of pure medical grade stainless steel.  They feel good, can give you lots of pleasure and they are really fabulous for vaginal maintenance.  Invest in one or try them all.  All three of these beauties are in my tool chest.

6.  Vagina Hugs: Your vagina needs love and attention. This does not always have to look like rocket ship orgasms. Vaginas like to be touched and held. Sometimes, simple hold and rocking is enough.  Or gentle petting either with dry hands or with lubricant. Try that when you wake up in the morning or when you are falling asleep at night.

Remember, do one else can really love and maintain your vagina for you.  And when your vagina is happy, the world is a brighter place!

When Did Sex Get So Serious? Can Sex Be Play?

When was the last time sex felt playful to you? Have you ever had a great big belly laugh with your partner during sex or leading up to sex? Have we all gotten lost in the Orgasm Olympics and forgot that sex is not as much about achievement as it is about pleasure? These days I am wondering about playful sex. The kind of sexual interaction between two people that is actually super fun, filled with anticipation, giggles and a sense of silly adventure.  If we can let go of performance can we bring back the fun?

I have a few ideas to get you started:

1. Go to a sex toy shop with your partner.  You each grab a basket and separate. You get about a half hour.  Spend time with the toys. Let your imagination wander. Pick out toys, books, videos, or anything else that you would like to experiment with. Your partner does the same. Meet by the vibrators or the lube at the appointed time and look into each others baskets. What's there? Any surprises? Now, you each get to pick three items from each other baskets that look like something that could be fun to try or experiment with. Go home. Play.

2. Buy sex dice. Sex Dice is a game created to add play back into sex.  Instead of numbers, each face on the die contains the name of a body part; the body part that faces up when the die is rolled must then be given sexual attention. It's fun. It's silly. It creates an atmosphere of playfulness. And it extends foreplay. They are inexpensive. Go on. Play dice.

3. Play Seven Minutes in Heaven! Are you old enough to remember that game? It was created by somebody in the 1950's and enjoyed by teenagers at parties. Two people are selected to go into a closet or other dark enclosed space and do whatever they like for seven minutes. In my version of the game, you get seven minutes to consequentially enjoy your partners body.  You may ask if you can touch your partners breasts for seven minutes or kiss or even tickle their feet.  Remember to take turns! Put on a egg timer to help you play fair and keep track of time.

Come on.  We are never to old to play. And taking the time to bring the play back into sex can really help you get your sexy on.

Want to learn more? Join me and  Mac S. McGregor, sex educators and intimacy coaches for a playful, sexy, interactive discussion filled with helpful ideas to bring the play back in your sex life.

In this tele-seminar we will bring you suggestions on how to reconnect through erotic play and laughter.

You will learn about new toys for couples, role play and how to set up scene for playful hot laughter filled sex.

When was the last time you played with sex? Perhaps it's time to change your perspective.

Join us! You will laugh, learn and get ready to bring the sexy back into your life! All genders and sexual orientations are welcome at this tele-conference. Self Register using the link!

The Art of Being Sexually Selfish! A Complimentary Tele-Seminar

Join Pamela Madsen and Neal Wecker internationally known Certified Somatic Sex Educators with over 30 years of combined experience in adult sex education for a unique complimentary tele-seminar on exploring the state of sexual selfishness. Learning how to receive and be sexually selfish is essential for deep arousal especially for women. For women,their erotic excitement has to be able to break form from 'taking care of others' to a place of valuing and living their arousal.

The 'Art of Being Sexually Selfish' will explore ways for women to break through their barriers for the pleasure that they desire and deserve. The reality of the need shows up so clearly in the fantasy about being utterly taken, taken without her having to care about someone else in her experience of surrendering. Come and explore the 'Circle of Consent' and so much more.

The call will take place on Tuesday, August 26th at 5pm PT/8pm ET. After the call Pamela and Neal will stay on the line to answer questions about Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women and private sessions.

Self Register for this Complimentary Seminar Here

We hope you can join us!

Do You Have Slut-Ish Interrupt-us?

It can happen at anytime - seemingly without warning.  One day, your stop reading hot erotica, looking for quiet alone time to self pleasure, and rather watch "Masters of Sex" than actually have sex.  You find yourself more interested in green juice cleansing, yoga and meditation than orgasm.  You may find it very confusing; after all you may have been the "IT" girl. You know, the girl who always wanted "IT".   Yes, you might have been "The Slut".  The woman that not only wanted sex, but you may have been the woman who sought out new experiences from threesomes, to bi-sexuality to live reenactments of "Fifty Shades of Gray".  Or you may just have loved sex within your fabulous monogamous marriage, and now you rather order in a pizza.

You are not alone.  You have "Slut-ish Interrupt-us" a term recently coined by the legendary sex educator and pleasure activist Carol Queen.

It happens.  And there is hope for all of us women who wonder where that hot woman went. She is not gone; she just may have had an estrogen dive in Peri-Menopause or Menopause. She may be busy with little children or recovering from a pregnancy or infertility. And quite frankly she may be bored.

Let's be clear, for women of "a certain age" which can happen anytime in our forties and land like a lead balloon in our fifties; the estrogen dive is not fun. Low estrogen can result in painful intercourse, lower libido and vaginal dryness: OUCH.  And you can see your gynecologist for solutions! And for women dealing with little kids and pregnancy; Slut-ish Interrupt-us can be helped by creating some space away from all we hold dear. but I think for all women who have left their beloved slut behind, a central cause can be boredom.

I think that sexual boredom is the most overlooked issue in Slut-ish Interrupt-us.

Do you have a "Pleasure Plan"? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I spend hours everyday “channeling the Goddess” in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a “Pleasure Plan” and often that means reaching out of the box.  How do we feed ourselves pleasure? When was the last time you have given yourself something different?

My bet is that it has been a long time since you have invited your inner slut out to play and that is why you have simply crumbled and find found yourself in a very long season of discontent.

Screw that.  You remember what it was like: Right?

Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own “Year of Pleasures”. Start a journal about it.  Start a Pleasure Plan Blog. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

It just doesn't look one way and to bring back your inner slut you may have to go digging into your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure. How about declaring an end to Slut-us Interrupt-us?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing taking on a sex coach or joining forces with a girlfriend. You will need support.

2. Layout your calender and your finances! Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a “Pleasure Retreat”. I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn’t have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! Tantra anyone? Want to dance in a Red Tent? Explore coming Back to Your Body?

5.  Explore reading memoirs about other women who are in the midst of a nose dive.  Go "Eat Pray Love" and see how you can somehow create something like that in your life. Don't know what I am talking about? Read my book! Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner!

Face your life, and look to your desires, leave no path untaken.

The point is to make a plan. These are some ideas to get you started, and an offer of help. You don't have to wave good bye to those days of living a hot sexy life. You just have to wake yourself up.

So, do you have a “Pleasure Plan”? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I spend hours everyday “channeling the Goddess” in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a “Pleasure Plan” and often that means reaching out of the box.  How do we feed ourselves pleasure? Perhaps it’s not the story book romance that we thought we would have in our lives. Or our marriage beds have cooled, or there isn’t a partner at all. Or maybe we just want something more or different? What then? Do we simply crumble and find ourselves in a very long season of discontent?

Screw that. Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own “Year of Pleasures”. Start a journal about it.  Start a Pleasure Plan Blog. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

It just doesn’t look one way. And without support you are as likely to drop your Pleasure Plan as the next Green Diet Cleanse!

I am dedicated to living a life filled with pleasure, and I love to inspire pleasure appreciation in others. It’s my work, and it’s my passion. Pleasure is my creative rocket fuel for all the parts of my life – and it can be yours too.

It’s okay to go digging in your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure.  January1st is just around the corner. Why not begin to plan for a new kind of New Year’s Resolution? How about declaring your own “Year of Pleasure”?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing a coaching series with me! The Queen of Pleasure! Let me help you tap into what you want, and let figure out how to get it.  Set up a free consultation to talk about setting up a “Pleasure Plan” for yourself.

2. Layout your calender and your finances! Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a “Pleasure Retreat”. I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn’t have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! If you are a woman – consider joining me, Ron and Neal at our May “July 3rd Back to the Body Retreat  limited to only six women.

5. Consider a private retreat with a hands on practitioner, and go on your own Shameless Journey……and yes…..of course I can help you there too!  I can help you plan a private mini retreat for yourself, working with me and a Sexological Bodyworker. We also create private mini couple’s retreats. Email me, we can talk about it!

- See more at: http://pamelamadsen.org/a-year-of-pleasure/the-importance-of-having-a-pleasure-plan/#sthash.h6UHNcUR.dpuf

So, do you have a “Pleasure Plan”? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I spend hours everyday “channeling the Goddess” in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a “Pleasure Plan” and often that means reaching out of the box.  How do we feed ourselves pleasure? Perhaps it’s not the story book romance that we thought we would have in our lives. Or our marriage beds have cooled, or there isn’t a partner at all. Or maybe we just want something more or different? What then? Do we simply crumble and find ourselves in a very long season of discontent?

Screw that. Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own “Year of Pleasures”. Start a journal about it.  Start a Pleasure Plan Blog. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

It just doesn’t look one way. And without support you are as likely to drop your Pleasure Plan as the next Green Diet Cleanse!

I am dedicated to living a life filled with pleasure, and I love to inspire pleasure appreciation in others. It’s my work, and it’s my passion. Pleasure is my creative rocket fuel for all the parts of my life – and it can be yours too.

It’s okay to go digging in your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure.  January1st is just around the corner. Why not begin to plan for a new kind of New Year’s Resolution? How about declaring your own “Year of Pleasure”?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing a coaching series with me! The Queen of Pleasure! Let me help you tap into what you want, and let figure out how to get it.  Set up a free consultation to talk about setting up a “Pleasure Plan” for yourself.

2. Layout your calender and your finances! Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a “Pleasure Retreat”. I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn’t have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! If you are a woman – consider joining me, Ron and Neal at our May “July 3rd Back to the Body Retreat  limited to only six women.

5. Consider a private retreat with a hands on practitioner, and go on your own Shameless Journey……and yes…..of course I can help you there too!  I can help you plan a private mini retreat for yourself, working with me and a Sexological Bodyworker. We also create private mini couple’s retreats. Email me, we can talk about it!

- See more at: http://pamelamadsen.org/a-year-of-pleasure/the-importance-of-having-a-pleasure-plan/#sthash.h6UHNcUR.dpuf

Female Erotic Energy As a Tool of Empowerment

Women suppress the erotic, the sexual, the sensuous because we have been taught that it's through the suppression of this incredible life force energy that we will be respected and achieve in the world - yet this notion could not be farther from the truth. Few women want to be regarded as a "slut", or dismissed by seeming too "sexual" or vibrant.  We learn to hide our sexual connections, desires, and even our sex positive friends. We don't want guilt by association. It's through this learned suppression that women have learned to distrust our own bodies.

I invite you not to dismiss the erotic. For when we do, we are turning away from our own organic power source. When we buy into this belief that woman can only achieve greatness by denying our sexuality - we learn to deny it, or believe that it does not belong to us - we stop exploring it. We turn away. And we give up a wealth of information and understanding about the uses of the erotic in our lives.  We literally zap our power.  The truth is, you may be powerful and successful right now in this place of erotic suppression. You may be making six figures, and be in the lime light.

Imagine what you could be doing and feeling if you had it all: full access and understanding for the uses of erotic energy in your life.

How do we allow our precious selves to live a life without access to our own fullest potential?

What is there about this paradox of beliefs? If we are taught to keep our sexuality small in order to achieve professionally or in relationship and our true power lies in learning how to access and use the tools of the erotic for our creativity which is our life force energy - is there some kind of weird conspiracy going on? Remember women really did just get the vote!

The message to women is confused. Be small sexually to achieve. Tamp down. But erotic energy is powerful, and if women are permission-ed and taught to use their erotic energy in all aspects of their lives - are we threatening something?

It's in this confused sexual environment that women who seek to explore and reclaim their own erotic potential face. And it can take incredible amount of courage.

Even among the sexually enlightened and conscious thinkers, I wonder if there is still some fear of sexually empowered women - just under the surface. And women feel the fear and tamp down. We want to be held, loved, adored, melt.  Somehow we have gotten this idea (because most women have been carefully taught), that we need to be small to get that. We may feel like we risk a lot to be our full selves.  The fear of being dismissed or marginalized because we are not seen as "Proper" is real for many.

On some level the sexually enlightened woman is dangerous and dare I say it - "unGodly".

When women learn how to bring our erotic energy into all aspects of their lives everything can change.

The sexually empowered woman can not only feel fully, she can bring that energy into all of her life's endeavors. It's powerful. You become a force of nature. Men actually have to show up to meet you. They can no longer be small either. Not to be in your life. And not everyone is ready for that.

Understand his fear, societies fear, or you own - as you embrace, uncover, and actualize your power.

The erotic if we can embrace, understand and nurture it's energy is the pilot light within yourself. When we allow ourselves to release it, this energy can flow, color and heighten all areas of your life: whether it is cooking,  money making, painting, dancing, teaching, mothering, fucking, or examining your own ideas and life.

It's Time to Get Creative! June is Adult Sex Education Month!

You're not in middle school anymore when sex education was all about learning  about the birds and the bees. Maybe in high school you got a lesson about how to handle a condom, or how to say "No".  The fact is that you are not a kid anymore,  and what could be a better time than an entire month dedicated to learning about being a "grown up" and learning about getting creative in the bedroom. What could be a better time to get started trying something new than an entire month dedicated to Adult Sex Education!

#AdultSexEdMonth is the brain child of  originator of A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind (http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com).

How smart is she? And  how do you get started? Believe it or not, one of the best ways is to practice being sexual!

One of the more challenging things for many people when it comes to sex is to find what really turns them on after having removed all of their shame and judgment. The next big step is to then state their desires out loud to themselves and to their intimate partners. It is easier said than done, because it requires time, patience and dedication.

Recently, one of my sex coaching clients Vicky, started our session by exclaiming “Holy shit. I think it's actually revolutionary what I'm doing. I am practicing being sexual. I can now actually use the word “sex” without feeling self-conscious or guilty. I am finding my sexual voice. And damn, it does take practice!”

Vicky has been practicing what is often referred to as “Orgasmic Yoga” which, in reality, is not about yoga or orgasms! It's really just another name for developing a core erotic practice.

She has been on a 30 day practice schedule of working solo with her own body; exploring it on a physical and emotional level. Orgasmic Yoga is a pleasurable, intimate and trans-formative discipline that is practiced while sexually aroused. The goal is to develop or reclaim erotic capacities. Some individuals practice it to reawaken the awesome feelings in their body., others to discover it for the first time.

Taking the time to participate in a mindful, planned solo erotic practice allows the individual to focus on what is substantial in their sexuality rather than what is superficial.

Vicky has also been working to identify her peak erotic experiences in order to understand what gives her authentic sexual pleasure. The desired result is to giver herself the ability to better communicate her sexual needs to herself and to her partner. This takes guts, and it takes time. It can feel like a radical step to actually practice being sexual. But Vicky, like the countless women and men that I work with, have decided they really want to own their own sexuality; that it's their time.

From Vicky:

“I attended a music workshop recently where we explored the idea of stepping out and dipping our toes into fear. This was about trying on new ways to use our voices, and about performing. It was all new to me, for I am not a performer at all, and while I sing in a community choir, I sing very quietly. I enjoy learning and I feel safe as long as I am surrounded by a group of stronger singers. I imagined the choir as my comfort zone, where I could participate without having to step out into the fear of performing solo.

"But this is not really a comfort zone at all, as I learned during the workshop. My comfort zone is what I know and explore about my own voice. What can it do? What is its range? Where is the heart of the music I love? The only way to discover it is through practice. And more practice. The comfort zone is here, in my own voice. And once I know my own voice, then I can step out into the unknown, fearful places where I can challenge myself to change and expand and share my voice with others.

"It was in choir that I made the connection between our sex coaching and choir.

"I had always thought that my sexual comfort zone was a very confined space, where I would not be challenged, where my partner would be 'fine' with the status quo of our intimate life. I thought the best I could ever hope for was to somehow get better at it, so I could please him better. I thought I wanted the comprehensive 'how-to' manual, but even if there was such a thing, I was too embarrassed and shy to look at it.

"But that's not the comfort zone, is it? What I am learning is that it starts with me. I get to discover my own self as a sexual being, finally, in my mid-fifties! I have to learn to name what my own heart and mind and body want. I need to discover for the first time how sex works for me. I need to come to my senses. It's a bit of a paradox. It's scary to be discovering my own comfort zone. And if this is scary, what will it be like to step out of it?”

A Beginners Guide to Orgasmic Yoga Practice:

From Joseph Kramer, Ph.D, Founder of Orgasmic Yoga: “At it's core Orgasmic Yoga invites embodied, mindful self-accountability. The self-directed practice sessions involve breathing, savoring, sound, movement, touch, placement of attention, and awareness of intention.

"Erotic practice sessions weave together the heart and genitals. This alone is a profound reason to commit to practice. Orgasmic Yoga often produces a state of arousal that is free of fantasy, unfinished emotional business, religious dogma, cultural caveats and habitual sexual behaviors. In this erotic trance state, an individual becomes aware of the body as a source of wisdom, happiness and freedom. Thus, the intent of Orgasmic Yoga practice is the practice”.

Every Orgasmic Yoga session includes the following:

1. A statement of intention(s) at the beginning.
2. A clear beginning and ending time.
3. A session structure, outline or choreography.
4. One or more minutes of Kegels.
5. Conscious breathing patterns.
6. Movement, stretching, and/or dancing.
7. Sounds, moans and laughter.
8. Quiet for the last five minutes of each session.
9. Reflection and note-taking after each session.
10. Full body self touch including genitals

Optional:

1. Use of toys or vibrators
2. Specially Chosen Music

“An integral part of Orgasmic Yoga is to savor and reflect upon the experience after you have completed each day’s practice. It is crucial that you rest quietly for at least five minutes at the end of your session, to simply be and breathe. We suggest that you then reflect on your experience in a journal or with a friend or lover” says Joseph Kramer .

Clearing the space in your life to learn your own sexual voice  can change how you understand, express and enjoy your sexualty. It can also enliven your sexual expression  with your loved ones. It's one of the gifts that you can give yourself.

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