The Orgasmic Edge: A Sex Tip of Exquisite Pleasure and Torment

I was introduced to what is known as "Edging", "Peaking, Surfing, or even "Orgasm Control" in my training as a sex educator.  And I have to admit that it is one of my favorite pleasures. I love to introduce sexual technique to women at Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women couples in private retreats, workshops and coaching sessions.  Frankly, I personally enjoy surfing it's pleasures and exquisite torment.  It is my favorite dish! Extended Orgasm is a sexual technique which may be practiced either alone or with a partner and involves the keeping the recipient of the pleasure in a high level of erotic arousal for an extended period of time while not letting them climax or orgasm. This can go on for a period of minutes or hours or even days!

When the choice is made to allow the recipient to climax or orgasm the physical sensations may be much more explosive, expanded and frankly more pleasurable than if the orgasm were experienced with it's usually build up and release. But there is much pleasure in the play!

Some people have described the experience of being kept in heightened states of arousal for long periods of time as producing euphoric states and altered streams of consciousness like "Erotic Trance".  Orgasm control prolongs our pleasure and heightens the experience of sexual sensations  that occur during the final build-up to orgasm. It's a powerful experience for both the giver and the receiver whether you are "in control" of your partners climax or if you are the one delaying your own release.

Orgasm Edging Tips:

1.  If you are going to share this with a partner, I would start with full body touch, almost like giving a massage. "The Giver"  gradually move towards the genitals and would stimulate "The Receiver" with hands, fingers, sex toys, gradually bringing them up to the point high in the plateau phase of sexual response where an orgasm is actually building. Then "The Giver" would gradually move away from the genitals and move the energy to other parts of the body or simply  reduce the level of stimulation to just below that needed to set off the climax or orgasm.

2. Another way of playing with this is to give control of the orgasm to "The Giver" and play with something called "Orgasm Denial". With this lovely game,  orgasm is not allowed for even longer periods of time in order to develop an increased level of sexual tension. Remember that "Orgasm Games" can take some practice. Both the giver and the receiver have to really get to know each others responses. But by carefully varying the intensity, depth, techniques and speed of stimulation and lots of practice a "receiver" can be held in the highly aroused state near orgasm for an extraordinarily long time.  When the orgasm or climax is "allowed" it can be described as "earth shaking" or even "overwhelming".

3. You can even bring in elements of "Fifty Shades of Grey" if you choose to experiment that way. Some people enjoy creating an additional layer of power elements into this game and the person who is receiving the extended pleasure, or denial is called the "Submissive" can be even be put into restraints and or blindfolds for an added rush of not being in control.  The technical term for this game is "Tie and Tease" or "Tie and Deny".

4. You can play alone! Orgasm control is a way to be more creative with solo touch practices and can also be a great training ground for our own personal orgasmic responses. Masturbation or "Self Pleasuring" allows each of us to learn our own orgasmic response and practice having control over timing, the kind of touch we enjoy, speed of stimulation and our feelings in getting close to orgasm and then backing off and starting again. The term "edging" has been more closely associated with the solo practice where we experiment with stimulation until we reach that place right before climax happens (the plateau phase) and then we just stop or back off the stimulation just before orgasm occurs.

Self Pleasuring is a great training ground for people who want to play this game with a partner because you are in control of  your own intensity and don't have to rely on a partner to "guess" where you are in the game.  Playing alone is also a wonderful way not only to vary self pleasuring but it's also an easy way to learn your own capacity and limits in edging.

Playing with Orgasm Control or Extended Orgasm or any of the variations of these games are all about making every stroke count. This is all about heightening pleasure. When we play with our arousal we are not just trying to "get off". We are turning orgasm into a feast instead of something to get done. Arousal can become an unexplored lands of moans, groans, giggles, laughter, power play, and ecstatic trance states. It's a beautiful way to build communication and a sense of playfulness between partners and interesting enough when "The Giver" learns to spread the arousal and sensation all over "The Receivers" body there is a learning that our erotic response is not just held in our genitals. It can be found in all the parts of our bodies like soles of feet, nipples. lips, and arm pits in equal parts! My invitation to you is to explore your orgasm! It can be more than something to get done. It can be a surf board to ride!

The "Flexible" Marriage

Have you read Sex at Dawn which makes the case that we humans are at our core not monogamous creatures? That in many ways monogamy is a societal concept - imposed on us by religion and many other factors. I loved the book, but for me personally it's a big leap from there to being fully polyamorous or in an open marriage.

And yet my memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about wanting more....and staying married.  My personal ethos keeps evolving, but the same question keeps being raised: So, how do you get more - and stay monogamous? Or how do you expand on monogamous but stay out of OKCupid?

Is there a solution outside of going from marriage to marriage in a serial monogamy routine that so many of us fall into because we need more on some level? Is there something in-between monogamy and full out polyarmory or open marriage? Right now this is a hot topic in the world of sexuality and relationship.

Is "Polyamory" the  new more accepted term for  "Open Marriage"? We are certainly hearing that term more and more and some are saying that it is next big sexual revolution. I am living something else - which I call the Monogamish Marriage. Which is a kind of  middle ground of sorts.

Sexuality and relationship is all about taking what works for you and your partner and leaving the rest. I love the idea of creating a sexuality and relationship that is all your own. But we can learn from what others are doing. And I do. All the time. When I first thought of the term "expanded monogamy" I thought that I had coined a new term. But a quick search on google turned up several references to expanded monogamy with different definitions. In my version of expanded monogamy - a couple sets the rules of sexual exploration that fit with their own set of personal boundaries that in my own rule book does not include taking a "traditional lover".

Now, you may ask me what what taking a "Traditional Lover" means.  I might answer. I might not!

In my take on expanded monogamy - I am not talking about what been called an "Open Marriage". My version has boundaries that may seem outside of the box for some - but for others may seem quite restrictive. What is agreeable to one couple may not be agreeable to another. In my story - Shameless - I realize that I created a form of expanded monogamy and developed with my husband a way for me to explore my sexuality that did not fit the traditional outline of monogamy but was not polygamy either.

We are also not so good at finding middle places in our society.  It feels like every day  people  ask me questions like "How did your husband feel about you going to a Tantra workshop?" or ""Did you husband get jealous of you working with hands on sexual healers?" What about your explorations of Bd/Sm? How does he feel about that? How does your husband feel about you work at Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women?   Does he approve? No matter where I am in the country - I am asked the same questions over and over again about my adventures into the underground world of sacred sexuality.

In my search for language - I am embracing the term expanded monogamy or being monogamISH and I would like to introduce it to you if you are unfamiliar with it. In my own expanded monogamous marriage - I have had  room to go to sexuality workshops that include me exploring my own sexuality with myself and with others within boundaries and usually in a supervised workshop setting. I am able to be playful in my sexuality - which keeps my own inner fire alive and my marriage intact. It has become essential to me to be able to explore who I am as an individual as well as in my marriage.

In my own expanded monogamous marriage - both my husband and I have had the space to work with sexological body workers who are there to support us on our own individual paths. We attended sexuality workshops -  which may include us working with sexual energy techniques like moving our breath with other people - or eye gazing. This is what inspired me to create Back to The Body. I wanted a safe place for all women no matter their marital status to have a place to come to explore their sexuality.

In my own expanded monogamish relationship, I explore Bd/Sm (think Fifty Shades of Grey) without my husband because he isn't interested in it, and it is a very important form of erotic expression for me.  That is "Untraditional" love that I speak about, in case you were wondering.

Having the space to explore and experiment with my sexuality within the boundaries of an expanded monogamy has supported my 30 year marriage into a place where both my husband and I are happy and has helped us keep the light burning in our own marriage bed. Having room to expand your sexuality and explore over time may turn a once sexless marriage into something else.

Creating some room in our relationships for turning up the heat on our sexuality does not have to mean leaving the marriage or sneaking around.  We simply have to bring this possibility out into the world.  I do not hide.  There is no shame.

If we have the room to experiment and expand our own sexuality without shame - I believe that more people would not feel like they have to leave their primary relationships. We just may need more room to breathe. It's about creating sexual agreements that work for each partnership - and allowing each other the room to grow without ditching your lives.

Fifty Shades of Gray: A Template For Non-Ethical Bd/Sm

I keep getting requests for me to write about "Fifty Shades of Gray" because many people know, that Bd/Sm is something that I personally explore and enjoy. And initially, I was thrilled when a book turned on a nation to kink and make it really alright to talk about spanking, and bondage. But here is the deal: Fifty Shades of Gray is a really bad template for how to bring this particular flavor of sex play into your life. The first thing to understand about the Bd/Sm Community (and yes there is a community of people who speak to each other, sex educators who specialize in Bd/Sm, conferences and workshops) is all about "Safe, Sane and Consensual".  It's always safety first, with an emphasis on safe words, understanding boundaries and both parties giving consent out of shared desire: not manipulation and fear. The importance of consent is simultaneously a personal, ethical, and  social issue. It's these details that  separate what is good sexy fun from abuse. So what's wrong with Fifty Shades of Gray? It's all about the constant manipulation of consent, violating boundaries, manipulation and fear. Those are the tools of Christian's Gray Bd/Sm tool box. And while the book may be a sexy read (it's fiction!),  we really don't want to have this as our template for hot sexy delicious consensual Bd/Sm sexual encounters and relationships.

So where does Christian get it wrong?

Consent:

Christian consistently forces and manipulates consent out of the innocent, young virginal Anna.  In one scene Christian uses alcohol to gain consent out of Anna. There is nothing ethical about drawing consent out of someone that is not sober.

Christian gains consent out of Anna by playing on her fear of losing him when he presents her with a contract that she either has to sign or get out of his life. That is not true consent and there is no room for negotiation.  When we manipulate what we desire by pushing on the fear of loss or making it about "if you really cared about me....you would do this or that" we are forcing consent.

In a healthy Bd/Sm relationship consent is either given out of a place of safety and desire or not. An experienced ethical Dominant in the Bd/Sm scene would never force consent unless that was a game that the partners were playing called "Consensual Non Consent" when the players consent to "being forced".   Consent is a big deal in the Bd/Sm community and Christian never took the workshop!

There is nothing more shunned in Bd/Sm Community than forcing or manipulating consent except perhaps a violation of ignoring "Safe Words" and Christian does that too.

Safe Words:

In healthy, safe, sane and consensual Bd/Sm "Safe Words" are  holy.  They allow the "submissive" to communicate with the Dominate in a very direct way. "Red" means stop. "Yellow" means slow down.  Of course any words can be chosen and agreed upon. And here is the golden rule. When a submissive or Dominant says "Red" it means HARD STOP.  Christian not only ignored Anna's safe word in one scene but he expressed anger at her need to hold her own boundaries.  That is sexual abuse and assault. That is not Bd/Sm.  Submissive's may withdraw their consent at any time.  In Fifty Shades, Anna actually begins to hide things from Christian out of fear of his jealousy and anger. To me, this is fifty shades of an abusive, dysfunctional relationship that has very little to do with Bd/Sm.

After Care:

Bd/Sm can be an intense experience for both the Dominant and the submissive. After some intense play "after care" which can include holding, cuddling, processing, and quiet time together is very important. Christian in more than one scene denies after care to Anna.

So what is the take away here? I think that Bd/Sm is powerful, delicious and sexy! And perhaps learning the "Rules of the Game" from a novel may not be the best step! There are fabulous "How to" books out there like "The Topping Book" and "The Bottoming Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. There  are workshops and conferences where you can learn "the ropes"!  There are even private sessions available by professionals that teach and offer these experiences one  on one or with couples.

If Fifty Shades of Gray turned you on; then great! It certainly exposed a great many people to what is possible in the world of kink. And let's face it - some of the scenes are very sexy. But it's fiction and not a very good template or role model for any "Dom" wanna be, or "Submissive" interesting in exploring the world of Bd/Sm.

Want to know more? Email me for a private complimentary consultation at Pamela@backtothebody.org  Maybe I can help.