Becoming An Artist of The Erotic

This is True and Fucking Big: Nothing expands me, rips me open and leaves me more vulnerable than love, desire, and the erotic. I remain in awe of it's power to turn my life upside and make my heart beat funny. This triple treat of human emotion's relentless invitation to me to drop my shit, trust, expand, be willing, lean in and love can toss my heart and soul around like a tiny boat on a huge restless ocean.And I will be a hot mess, until I'm done. And a resting place of realization fills my body and soul. Just like this time. Love, Desire, and the Erotic ask us to constantly be willing to be seen naked and raw. It's relentless in it's challenges to us to see things through a different lens. Just try to understand the erotic. I double dare you.

It's mostly impossible to nail down. It can be beyond challenging to understand what turns me on in the way that it turns me on and what turns you on in the way that it turns you on. Sometimes, they fit together like the perfect puzzle pieces and sometimes, it's more challenging. Sometimes, what is hot for me, is less so for you. But we are dating, lovers, life partners? What then?

And there can be boundaries. And fuck can those sometimes feel "personal". Those places where you are invited and those places where you are asked not to tread. Where those welcome mats are placed and removed can shake us to the core. Boundaries can feel restrictive, but when you really look inside they can create enormous freedom. Draw a circle and then stand instead of it. Can you feel all the space to create and dance in? That's a part of the erotic. And It's the speaking and the listening that can also build the fire of intimacy and create the safety for more air to get in if we can handle the discomfort. Can you digest all of this?

Here's the lesson: Can you play in all of that and feel hot, turned on, and desired? Can you learn to expand your own erotic dance within all of that, in a way that is both a turn on to you and your partner within erotic boundaries, turn ons, and the great unknown? Can you hang in there for the erotic evolution that is all of our sexuality? It's big right? It's an edge. It might even be fucking awesome if you allow yourself to become an artist of the erotic.

The "Flexible" Marriage

Have you read Sex at Dawn which makes the case that we humans are at our core not monogamous creatures? That in many ways monogamy is a societal concept - imposed on us by religion and many other factors. I loved the book, but for me personally it's a big leap from there to being fully polyamorous or in an open marriage.

And yet my memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about wanting more....and staying married.  My personal ethos keeps evolving, but the same question keeps being raised: So, how do you get more - and stay monogamous? Or how do you expand on monogamous but stay out of OKCupid?

Is there a solution outside of going from marriage to marriage in a serial monogamy routine that so many of us fall into because we need more on some level? Is there something in-between monogamy and full out polyarmory or open marriage? Right now this is a hot topic in the world of sexuality and relationship.

Is "Polyamory" the  new more accepted term for  "Open Marriage"? We are certainly hearing that term more and more and some are saying that it is next big sexual revolution. I am living something else - which I call the Monogamish Marriage. Which is a kind of  middle ground of sorts.

Sexuality and relationship is all about taking what works for you and your partner and leaving the rest. I love the idea of creating a sexuality and relationship that is all your own. But we can learn from what others are doing. And I do. All the time. When I first thought of the term "expanded monogamy" I thought that I had coined a new term. But a quick search on google turned up several references to expanded monogamy with different definitions. In my version of expanded monogamy - a couple sets the rules of sexual exploration that fit with their own set of personal boundaries that in my own rule book does not include taking a "traditional lover".

Now, you may ask me what what taking a "Traditional Lover" means.  I might answer. I might not!

In my take on expanded monogamy - I am not talking about what been called an "Open Marriage". My version has boundaries that may seem outside of the box for some - but for others may seem quite restrictive. What is agreeable to one couple may not be agreeable to another. In my story - Shameless - I realize that I created a form of expanded monogamy and developed with my husband a way for me to explore my sexuality that did not fit the traditional outline of monogamy but was not polygamy either.

We are also not so good at finding middle places in our society.  It feels like every day  people  ask me questions like "How did your husband feel about you going to a Tantra workshop?" or ""Did you husband get jealous of you working with hands on sexual healers?" What about your explorations of Bd/Sm? How does he feel about that? How does your husband feel about you work at Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women?   Does he approve? No matter where I am in the country - I am asked the same questions over and over again about my adventures into the underground world of sacred sexuality.

In my search for language - I am embracing the term expanded monogamy or being monogamISH and I would like to introduce it to you if you are unfamiliar with it. In my own expanded monogamous marriage - I have had  room to go to sexuality workshops that include me exploring my own sexuality with myself and with others within boundaries and usually in a supervised workshop setting. I am able to be playful in my sexuality - which keeps my own inner fire alive and my marriage intact. It has become essential to me to be able to explore who I am as an individual as well as in my marriage.

In my own expanded monogamous marriage - both my husband and I have had the space to work with sexological body workers who are there to support us on our own individual paths. We attended sexuality workshops -  which may include us working with sexual energy techniques like moving our breath with other people - or eye gazing. This is what inspired me to create Back to The Body. I wanted a safe place for all women no matter their marital status to have a place to come to explore their sexuality.

In my own expanded monogamish relationship, I explore Bd/Sm (think Fifty Shades of Grey) without my husband because he isn't interested in it, and it is a very important form of erotic expression for me.  That is "Untraditional" love that I speak about, in case you were wondering.

Having the space to explore and experiment with my sexuality within the boundaries of an expanded monogamy has supported my 30 year marriage into a place where both my husband and I are happy and has helped us keep the light burning in our own marriage bed. Having room to expand your sexuality and explore over time may turn a once sexless marriage into something else.

Creating some room in our relationships for turning up the heat on our sexuality does not have to mean leaving the marriage or sneaking around.  We simply have to bring this possibility out into the world.  I do not hide.  There is no shame.

If we have the room to experiment and expand our own sexuality without shame - I believe that more people would not feel like they have to leave their primary relationships. We just may need more room to breathe. It's about creating sexual agreements that work for each partnership - and allowing each other the room to grow without ditching your lives.

Tips for Bringing "The Playful" Back Into "The Sexual"

Sometimes even sex educators can really caught up in our own brains.  We think, and we write, and we talk about sex a lot.  And frankly, sometimes we talk the sexy and the pleasure right out of sex!  And if you are like most people, you want to get out of your brains just for a little while, and you want to get into your bodies. You are yearning to laugh and to play. And you just can't remember the last time that you played with your sexuality.  When was the last time you did something different? Some people even put their noses up in the air and make groaning sounds at the very thought of being sexual with their partners or with even with their own bodies.

To truly experience what it is to have sexual freedom, we need to cultivate our erotic imagination.  For each of us, our sexual freedom and playfulness lies in our ability and willingness to create a sexuality of our very own. Forget normal.  In truth, what works for doctors and some psychotherapists putting the human experiences into boxes of normal and not normal does not always serve us when it comes to sexuality.

What if we were each invited to view our sexuality as a work of art, and I handed you a blank canvas that was the size of the biggest wall you had ever seen, and an endless supply of colorful paints, pencils and markers. What if I invited you to fill this tremendous blank canvas with your erotic desires? What if you felt truly free enough to create your very own sexuality without shame, judgement or inhibitions? What if I invited you to play in your sexuality?

The human erotic imagination may be one of the golden keys to having an extraordinary sex life.  So many of us are raised with a spoken and unspoken understanding of what is allowable when it comes to having sex.  We are raised with this idea of what is "normal' and "approved" and what is not.  Quite literally,  for many of us our erotic imagination get's shut down and we are left with a very short list of what is allowable for us in our expression of sexuality. Everything else is somehow made "taboo" or "dirty" or "not normal".

That leaves us with either filled with shame over desires that we may think are wrong, or we simply become numbed out to the possibilities.

For others, we may simply have not explored how to cultivate our erotic imagination.  So what makes up our erotic imagination? What are some tools to free up and explore our erotic imagination:

• Sexual fantasy is a great starting ground.  Allowing ourselves to travel freely in our own mind and explore without shame or putting any labels of judgement around our sexual fantasies.
• Reading erotica and romance novels can be a great place to put your erotic flint to stone.
• Wandering through a sex toy shop can also be a great place to cultivate your erotic imagination. Walk around and handle the toys. Often there are books and videos to explore as well.
• Explore the idea of sexuality being playful.  When we play we are free to get things wrong, experiment, try on different roles, laugh and even be foolish. What if we looked at sexuality as play?
• Put on costumes.  And this idea is not just limited to women.  Erotic lingerie can be a wonderful tool to assist our erotic imaginations. I know men who put on superman boxer shorts to get into the mood.  Are they exploring their erotic imagination? I think so.
• We can all cultivate our own erotic imagination and create a sexuality of our very own.  Let go of "normal" and invite in exploration and play.  The possibilities for sexual expression is as vast and limitless as the human mind. Come play.

Let's see if I can conjure up some a  few more ideas for bringing the playful back into your sexual.

Let's get started:

1. For couples for who bored, feel like there is nothing new to do with each other and are stuck in a rut. Here is my all time favorite game. I call it, "What's in Your Basket?"  This is a couple's game. Go into a sex toy store...or go on line and each person gets half an hour to put toys in their basket. Sometimes, "Showing" our desires and fantasies is SO much less scary than "Telling".

The couple meets up and they get to look into each others baskets. Oh la la!  I bet you will find things in each others basket that you had no idea they were interested in. Remember that when your beloved brings you their basket, they are bringing you an incredibly intimate and vulnerable part of themselves. Please receive the basket with as much love, and kindness as possible. You may be truly surprised and delighted by what is in the basket, and you might be blown away too! That's great!

Now, each person gets to pick three things from the other person's basket that they are willing to explore. This is where "Consent" and "Boundaries" come in. When you pick the items in your partner's basket you are only consenting to exploring the toy or fantasies that the toy represents. You are not consenting to do it. You are consenting to explore it. Talk about it and then decide how much you want to play. And you just might be a "Hell Yes"!  And you might be a "Maybe".  It's also really acceptable to be a "No".  The hope is that you can find three items in each others baskets that you can be either a "Hell Yes" or a "Maybe" too.

It's a great way to begin the conversation of "what turns my partner on" as well as opening new playful doors for the two of you to explore. And it's fun! Amazing openings and play has happened with this delicious heart opening game.  Enjoy the conversations and experiences. Go to dinner after and then go home to slowly explore and savor the play that will unfold.

2. For all of us: Do you have a secret sexual alter ego?  You now, the sexual person you might want to be if you didn't have any rules around who you had to be in your real life as a sexual being? Have you ever spent time with your sexual alter ego? Playing on line with your secret sexual alter ego can be a lot of fun. Some people write blogs, develop Facebook pages, join sexy on line communities such as "FetLife" in order to explore and play with their secret sexual altar ego.  It's called having a "Scene Name". Some people even going out and  buying clothing for this part of themselves, and will go out in cities or areas of their town where they are not known, and enjoy  being seen in this part of themselves that they normally wouldn't allow anyone to see them.  This can be a lot of fun and very playful.  This can also be a way of "Trying On" parts of yourself.

3. Do something really different. There are so many different kinds of retreats, trips, meet ups, and centers for sex positive explorations. Sex stores in your community may be running workshops. Go. Getting out and explore some of your edges.  They are waiting for you.

Do You Ever Feel Like The Queen of More?

I have been "The Queen of More" for a great deal of my life. Sometimes, that desire for more has served me in spaces of creation. But in other times, that desire for more has brought me to my knees. I doubt that I am alone. This is what is true for me now.

I am sitting in the richness of moments. My legacy of wanting more is something that I am looking at with fresh eyes.

In truth, I find the richness in my memories are not of  the "More" that I was seeking.  They are in moments. It's the moments that keep me company. It is the moments that I allow into my body, heart and soul that I remember.

It is a kiss on a street corner. An experience with a lover at a bar, connecting eyes, a smile and a wink of recognition with a stranger on the street. It has been on retreats, on a massage table for a session, a conversation that is full between friends.

It is the bites.

So many of us get lost in making plans and tying things down in our search for groundedness. But that is not where we will find aliveness. Aliveness is in the moments. In the possibility of opening to just that.

In flying in groundlessness, in letting go of our attachment to more we may find true pleasure. If we can allow it.

Now that would be doing something different.

Attention Seattle!

A series of workshops presented by the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture Arousal, Pleasure and Exchange with Pamela Madsen

Saturday, May 10 at 12:00pm

at Center for Sex Positive Culture Annex

• 18+

Pamela Madsen is a fearless advocate for women’s health and integrated sexuality. During her 25-year career, Pamela has leveraged her raw honesty and well-informed wit to help strip the stigma from infertility, female desire and pleasure, body image and weight. The willingness to use her personal struggles to have children, discover her innate sexuality and find self-esteem has made Pamela one of the most accessible and relatable figures in the vanguard of women’s wellness.

Join Pamela for 3 workshops over 3 days.

To learn more about the workshops and buy tickets go here!

What Kind of Woman Attends a Back to The Body Retreat?

"Know that the gifts you are giving are the kind that keep on giving, like a well seasoned meal that can be savored for a long time. Each of you offered gentle support and a safe place to work. Your example of bravery were inspiring. There's a lot to take home, memories to savor, lessons to be launched. You are my teacher.  Like a Sherpa guiding us to the mountain top. Thank you for the new and beautiful view!" - Back To the Body February Graduate The team at Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women is now offering our eighth retreat at our home nest in Victoria, BC.

So....what kind of woman comes to a Back to the Body Retreat?

• Passionate and Powerful in their own lives
• And they are ready for even more! They want to go deeper into being more of who they already are.
• Personal growth is important to them.
• They are curious about their own sexuality. They want to know more and go deeper. They already know on some level that their sexuality may the missing or essential link to a more fulfilling life.
• They are interested in using sexual energy as a life force fuel.
• They are ready to heal sexual wounds and shame.
• They may be experiencing mid life changes such as menopause, divorce  or job changes.
• They are ready to experience all that their bodies are able to offer them.
• They want to play and have more pleasure in their lives.

Tell me more:

Many of our clients are simply curious. They want to learn more about their bodies and feel dis-empowered or disconnected from their own physical selves. Their relationship with their sexuality and their bodies have finally made it up the “bucket list”.  Sometimes they don’t have partners, or if they do have partners they don’t feel that their partners are meeting their sexual needs. My clients often feel unsupported and unappreciated sexually and want to have more pleasure in their lives.

Many are looking for safe ways to explore being more sexually adventurous either on their own or within a coupled relationship. Some of my clients are actively looking for a partner, and are looking inside their own sexual expression to see if the hold up is inside their own relationship with their bodies.

Some of our clients are not having the orgasms that they wish to have, and want to be able to explore their sexual desires in a way that will not bring them shame or ruin their lives.

Many of our clients are at war with their bodies. They want to love themselves deeply and don’t know how to. They get stuck when it becomes time to speak up for the desires, and often end up enduring sex rather than loving sex. They are ready to prioritize  sex in their lives, and often want to experience new sexual experiences. Our clients know that there is more to sex than they are having, and they are ready to figure out what that is. Most of our clients are in their 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's.

We are devoted to assisting you on your own individual journey to sexual empowerment, freedom and pleasure.

To learn more about the complete program please visit our website here.

We would love for you to consider joining us for our 8th retreat in Victoria, BC on July 3 through July 7. Retreats are limited to six women. There is one spot left for our July Retreat. Payment plans are available. http://www.backtothebody.org/

Email Pamela at Pamela@backtothebody.org to set up a free consultation.

And we have lots of graduates that are will than willing to speak with you!

Falling Into The Gap: An Exploration of Mindful Touch and The Pleasure of Surrendered Receiving

Join Internationally known Sex Educators Pamela Madsen and Ron Stewart for an extraordinary workshop on the tools of touch and embodiment. The key to a delicious sex life with your partner or with yourself is understanding how to give and receive touch. Our fingers, our eyes, and our breath are all tools for connection. This seems basic and yet most of us have never been taught these skills. It’s all suppose to come “naturally”. Falling Into The Gap: An Exploration of Mindful Touch and The Pleasure of Surrendered Receiving

This clothes on workshop invites intrepid explorers (singles and couples) of all ages, genders and sexual orientations to learn with us in a playful and non-threatening environment.

Participants will discover that both the giving and receiving of touch is not only fun and delicious, it’s also transformational and healing. Through a series of mini-lectures, demonstrations, movement, breath and touch exercises, we will open our hearts to what is possible through the power of touch.

What you will explore:

* Communication and Boundaries -. Overcome the fear of setting limits and be comfortable with your own boundaries. Explore your own “pleasure ceiling”, and challenge yourself to raise it.

* Mindful Practices - Movement, breath and meditations will be offered to help participants become present to the subtleties of giving and receiving touch.

* Touch Explorations - Through guided exercises, improve your touch skills and deepen your capacity to connect with self or partner(s).

* Receiving Pleasure - Utilizing conscious relaxation,verbal/non-verbal communication and active receiving, we will heighten our ability to become more present to pleasure.

Date: April 27th, 2014 Time: 6:30pm to 9:30pm Location: 115 Wooster Street in SoHo NYC Buzzer Apt 2F Cost: $35.00 Reservations are required: To reserve your spot and to ask any questions please contact Pamela Madsen at 917 703 3785 or email at Pamela@backtothebody.org  AND you can register on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1383597568549034/

Please wear comfortable clothing. We will be doing gentle, easy movements that most people will be able to participate in. This workshop involves no nudity.

Fair Energy Exchange in Sex and Relationship

It's time to talk fair trade when it come to sexuality and intimate relationships! Are you giving as good as you are getting and are you getting as good as you are giving? The concept of fairness and balance in energy exchange is not a new one, in fact I found a few articles and blogs about this idea on the internet. But I first heard about it in conversation with a friend over lunch. It seems reasonable, but somehow until I heard the term "Fair Energy Exchange", it didn't put my own feelings about giving and taking into perspective.

Most of us understand trading money for physical things, or even trading physical things for physical things. Ever go to a card swap? While we trade physical things, we are all also involved in trading energy on some level. We may on a very subtle level be also trading our emotions or thoughts. Have you ever bartered? Struck a deal? What did that feel like to you?

So, in the world of physical trading, it's all about everyone getting what is fair in value. In a fair energy exchange it's all about each person getting a fair and agreeable or balanced share of the effort and energy being put out and received in relationship.

People don't just steal or take advantage in business. People also steal, take advantage, or make bad trades when it comes to another person's energy.

Beware the energy suckers! These are the folks that are really good at getting, but rarely put out. They can literally steal your life force energy in order to feel better themselves. Energy suckers can keep you waiting, those folks that are consistently late for everything. Energy suckers are often insensitive to the emotional or physical state of another person and continue on with their own agenda. They may also demand unreasonable things and cause stress in the lives of their friends and family. Energy suckers can also steal ideas and pass them off as their own, such as writing about "Fair Energy Exchange" and saying that it is an original concept! It's important in energy exchange to give credit.

Fair Energy Exchange in sex and intimate relationship is crucial even in "Power Relationships" when one person is dominant and one is submissive. When a submissive gives to a dominant, the dominant also has responsibilities in supporting the submissive's needs at the back end. In every kind of sexual relationship, no matter how kinky or traditional - there is an energy exchange and fairness counts.

If you believe in what you give comes back to you, the universal law of Karma, we need to be aware of the balance of what we are taking and giving in a relationship. How we give back may be very varied. It may not be an orgasm trade!

So pay attention to your energy exchanges. It's important not to get stuck in a pattern of over receiving and over giving. Spending too long in each pattern will eventually cause a relationship collapse. We need to think about how to give back the energy in healthy amounts to the person that is giving to us, and this is not always as straight forward as it seems. Some ways of giving back can include touch. Giving a massage without receiving one back. Reaching for a hand, or putting an arm around your intimate partner while you are walking. using your "love language" with each other. Is it important to your intimate partner to be called by a nick name? Do you have a special way of signing off emails? Taking the time to listen without inserting your own story. Texting, or phoning just to send love. Planning an evening out, or even the traditional bringing of the flowers are all examples of ways to give energy. Taking your partner on a trip, making sure that their is wine in their glass, the possibilities are endless for way that we can give and take energy in intimate relationships. It is all about balance and being aware of the other person. So much of energy exchange is subtle. It can take the form of kind words, sharing our creative thinking, cooking meals, and even how we react verbally or physically to each other. How can we offer sexy fun, healing, compassion and support to each other?

We live in a world that is full of transition and erratic energy. Everyone it seems is going through something in our every day lives. The world is calling for our attention, and demanding our time. It's hard to create the time and attention that is often required for a fair energy exchange. It takes effort to give and receive pleasure, love, caring, and intimacy in our everyday lives.

It's important to remember that whatever we receive, is taken from somewhere.

We can also take a more proactive perspective to energy exchange. We can help build kindness reserves by giving more than we take. This is service. It's always our choice of what we need, want or expect in an energy exchange. It's just a good idea to be aware that fairness counts. Play fair everybody!