Suspending The Need To Be Certain....

This morning Danielle LaPorte inspired me with one of her "Truth Bombs" in my morning email. She wrote: "Suspending the need to be certain is an act of enlightenment." I really liked that and it got me thinking. When we suspend our need to be certain it's also an act of courage, love and faith. In the work that I do,  women (and sometimes couples) are rarely certain about whether sexuality and intimacy coaching, attending a "Back to The Body Retreat", or creating a private mini retreat for themselves or their partners is the right thing for them.  They can spend time talking with me to see if they feel comfortable and if working with me "feels right". They can talk to other women who have done this work. But in the end they have to suspend their need to be certain and just commit to trying.

It can feel crazy brave to take on your own sexuality. But what do you secretly want to happen in your own life? It sometimes, can only happen if we persuade our inhibitions and try.

Are you ready?

Let's talk. Shoot me an email from the contact form, or Pamela@backtothebody.org. Consultations are complimentary.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

 

Mothers and Daughters: Sexuality and 'The Mother Wound'

Daughters complain a lot about their mothers. And mothers can talk endlessly about their difficulties with their daughters.  Much has been written about "The Mother Wound" which is this idea that collective generational pain is passed down from mother's to daughters. For daughters it can feel like we will never be quite right for our mothers. This feeling that we will never totally win our mother's complete approval. We are too fat or thin. Not feminine enough or showing too much skin. This feeling that our mother is always comparing us to someone elses daughter or even our sister, who has a better job or does more for their mother. It can be about our parenting, our dress code and most of all—this unspoken shame around our sexuality.

Many daughters feel that they have to remain sexually small because how dare they want to have more sexual freedom and pleasure than their mothers had.  Or maybe their mother's were sexually or emotionally abused—and there is this fear that if the daughter is sexually alive the same fate will befall her. The daughter may not even know this on a conscious level, but somewhere deep inside, she knows that she cannot explore who she is on a sexual level because it will trigger her mother's fear and disapproval.

In my sexuality and intimacy coaching practice and at my retreats, "The Mother Wound" has been one of the prevalent issues that lay right under the surface for so many women.

They keep themselves sexually small because they don't want to threaten other women or call too much attention to themselves. There is this fear that "something bad will happen to them" that they will not be able to control. Or worse - that they will be blamed. They compete endlessly with other women and have this feeling that they cannot trust other women.

After all, some feel that they couldn't they trust their mother to protect them or see them as they truly were/are.

They have this secret fear that they are broken in some way and not worthy of creating what they really want in their lives. There is this fear around shaking things up too much. Women talk to me about attracting men into their lives that step all over their boundaries or are "safe and uninteresting". When asked about their desires, there is only this vague sense of unrest.

Many who struggle with their 'mother wound' take incredible leaps forward in exploring their sexuality and then self-sabotage by dropping out with excuses that range from money and time to feeling that they have gotten all that they need. Mostly they are frightened "of going too far and falling off a rail". The fear of anyone finding out that they are exploring their sexuality is extraordinary. No one wants to be a "bad girl" for real. So instead, many women develop anxiety, eating disorders, depression, addictions and complain of a general feeling of numbness in their genitals that we call "Low sexual desire" or "Low Libido".

So many of our mothers were raised in service to others rather than ever thinking about their own needs. They have their own mother wounds. It's important to remember that our mothers are someone else's daughter. She may have all of the same feelings that I just described above.

How is she suppose to teach and support her daughter to be anything other than filled with these same feelings of shame and comparison? This is a legacy that is carefully protected, shrouded in fear, shame and conflict. As daughters so many of us want our mother's approval; and if that means remaining small so that we do not challenge our mother's belief's about being a woman we will do that.

For many daughters that means shutting down their sexuality instead of taking on her own sexual power and potential. The risk of rejection and shaming is far too big a fear. I wonder if that is why so many women wait until mid life to sexually awaken. By then we are far enough out of the house, have accumulated  enough life experiences of our own, and we may have lost our mother through death or conflict.

Many of us develop a late life compassion for our mothers and a deeper understanding of our mother as daughter. That she is/was a product of the same legacy. We begin to  know at a deeper level in mid life that we will not lose our mother's approval or love—or if we do we are strong enough to walk away from the legacy.

While it may still feel risky for a woman to step forward and decide to connect to her body, her sexuality and a practice of self loving and pleasure out of a fear of risking angering and rejection from her mother—somehow in mid life we seem to be gathering the fortitude. As daughter's age, many of us come to this awareness that while our mother's may have given up parts of herself to her own mother—we no longer have to. We can break the cycle. This does not mean that we deny the legacy—it actually means that we take it on and look at it. Often there is grieving to be done.

In order to fully get into our bodies and let go of the fear of our own sexuality—it is vital to look at our own mother wounds as they are the foundation on which our relationship to our sexuality and our bodies are built.

As daughters we cannot repair or save our mothers lives. But we can choose to offer ourselves and our mothers compassion. We can offer our mother's and ourselves understanding and forgiveness. And we can step away and fulfill our own potential as women without this underlying fear that our relationship with our own pleasure and sexual expression is something dangerous and an act of defiance against our mother. We can step into our discomfort of "leaving our mother's behind" or even perhaps feeling their envy as we live lives that they were unable to have. In mid life many of us feel the disappointment that our mother's have in their own self sacrifice and the hunger for what they didn't have. Perhaps it is this maturity and ability to see what our mother's have held in their own lives that creates this burning mid life desire not to forever limit our own true potential. In mid life - it can feel like now or never. It is finally time to become all of those things that we repressed in fear of hurting, angering or betraying the sacrifices that our mother's made for us.

It becomes time to love our bodies as they are. It becomes time to be as big, creative, successful and  smart as we can. This can be a remarkable time of rebirth and recreation in a woman's life. We want our own experience of being a woman, and this reaching for our full potential is not about abandoning our mothers. It is about finally realizing that we will never be able to fully pay our mother's back for what they gave us—or letting go of the deeply held desire to win this approval and love. It is the final falling out of the nest.

And as a mother who is a daughter we have work to do too.  Being a mother is one of the hardest roles we will ever occupy. Occupying motherhood in our world is a job that no one can prepare you for. And it sets you up for all the old feelings of being a daughter like being competitive with other women—only this time it's about your kids plus all the other stuff that you were carrying before. It's hard to confront all of the "Mother" feelings when we think we are enlightened. This is not "old world" feelings. This is a legacy. In our own role of mother/daughter, we may be trying to take back our own sexual power while we are seeing our children out pace us. It can be terrifying to feel fear for our daughters while we envy them.

"The Mother Wound" is one of the most complex obstacles women face, and it's the leading cause of women staying small. As women we may have a tremendous amount of anger for the boxes that we are put into and the sacrifices that we make as mothers. Where can we talk about feeling left out in our daughters lives? Hating being the one that has to be the constant giver and nurturer? Who can we speak to without shame that we are tired of being in service to our daughter's whims, desires, anger and resentments?

There are few safe places to bring this rage and confusion. While there are a few advocates working hard to provide those safe places like Nekole Shapiro and her Holistic Peer Counseling Program for Birth and Parenting—these programs are rare and new.

It's time for all of us to take a look at the mother wound. How it has affected us as mothers,  daughters and ultimately as women. It's time for us to peek at how the mother wound has affected our relationship with our bodies and our sexuality. It would be wonderful if young women could do this—and it's not too late ever for any woman of any age to do this work and have this transformation.

I have seen women in their fifties, sixties and seventies heal their wounds and take back their bodies with extraordinary pleasure. I have watched them experience their sexuality in ways that they felt were completely out of the range of possibility for them. I have been inspired by women who have left the regret and the legacy behind them. It is a stepping out and letting go of the internal monologue of 'mother wound' self criticism, guilt, shame,  fear, and obligation that robs us from our full potential.

This wound can be healed and women can have lives that are full of love, self acceptance and sexual expression. I see it happening everyday.

 

What to do after reading this article?

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Have you read Pamela's book? "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner?"

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Finding Your Organic Orgasm: Exploring Erotic Trance States

We've all experienced various types of trance - perhaps a meditative trance or an exercise trance. Erotic trance is no different. Erotic trance is the state where you are so aware of your erotic energy that everything else fades away. The noisy mind is quiet and your only focus is on what you're feeling. There's no magic to accessing erotic trance, but it does take some practice.
I invite you to participate with me during this tutorial. We learn things by doing - not by reading about it or watching someone else do it. While I'll be offering examples and demonstrations, the best way for you to learn is to experience it for yourself.
Please set aside some time for the exercises I'll be showing you. Make a date with yourself. Put it on your calendar. Ensure that you won't be disturbed. There's just no substitute for experiencing this for yourself. Imagine reading a text that describes what an orgasm feels like. This isn't the same as experiencing one This is best if it's a hands on experience.
Breathe
The key to erotic trance is a conscious focus on the breath. Most people when experiencing increased erotic energy, tend to hold the breath and tense the muscles. These actions keep the erotic energy from circulating throughout the body. This first exercise is intended to help you focus on your breath and also to slow down. This is a self pleasure or masturbation homework assignment.
Assignment
Plan on a time when you can be alone and undisturbed. You may want to turn your telephone off. Find a comfortable place where you can relax. Throughout these exercises I strongly recommend that you have a mirror close by where you can observe your body.
Position the mirror where you can see your face and most of your body. Create an atmosphere that is comforting for you. This may include candles, music, items of personal significance, or erotic toys. Use whatever works for you.
Begin the exercise by closing your eyes and checking in with your body. Note any areas that are tight or relaxed. Try not to judge your feelings - just note them. Scan your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
As you're doing this check-in open your mouth and take nice deep slow breaths. Make some noise with your breath. Keep the effort only on the inhale. Let the exhale fall; there's no need to push the exhale out.
As you're breathing be aware of your genitals. There's no need to touch them yet - just be aware that they exist. Be aware of the muscles in your pelvis. See if you can relax these muscles on the inhale. This is easier if you breathe into your belly rather than your chest.
Movement
Movement helps to not only wake up the body but it also helps us move erotic energy throughout the body. There are many ways to move the body. Some of us like to run. Others like to stretch. Some may prefer yoga. I encourage you to develop a movement routine that works for you and your body.
Assignment
This exercise is focused on movement around erotic energy. Begin by planning on a time when you can be alone and undisturbed. You may want to turn your telephone off. Find a comfortable place where you can relax.
Create an atmosphere that is comforting for you. Find a place where you can freely move around. Lay down and extend your arms and legs to make sure you have enough room. Begin the exercise by closing your eyes and checking in with your body. Note any areas that are tight or that are relaxed. Try not to judge you feelings – just note them. Scan your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
Begin by breathing just as in the prior exercise. Each exercise build on the previous ones, so don’t forget to breathe Begin by making yourself comfortable on the floor. Then stretch your arms and then your legs. Be sure to also include your hands and fingers. Start with slow deliberate movement. The intention is to wake up the body.
The particular stretching technique you use isn’t that important for this. The important thing here is to move the body, so do whatever is comfortable for you. As you feel your body warm up you may also want to include some aerobic activity. Jump. Run in place. Kick your legs. Sweat is good Just remember that this is a prelude to self pleasure, so there’s no need to exhaust yourself.
Include your genitals and breasts in the movement. Wake up your genitals. Rotate your hips. and allow them to rock. Feel free to include some touch. Don’t focus on generating lots of erotic energy, but begin with some light touch and movement. Wake up your body and prepare for new levels of pleasure.
Reverse Genital Hole
Infants are naturally curious about their bodies. Babies touch themselves everywhere they can. As infants we learn that touch to our genitals is pleasurable. However, this natural exploration is usually discouraged. We quickly learn that genital touch is something to be ashamed of. As we grow older most of us are torn between the pleasurable feelings of self touch and the guilt imposed by our culture.
This causes us to develop guilt and shame around self touch. We enjoy touching ourselves because it feels good. However, others clearly disapprove of such touch. This causes continual mental conflict over self touch. As a result many men and women develop what has been called the ‘genital hole.’ We become conditioned to ignore the feelings and sensations in our genitals. Some of us become numb.
For many of us when we begin self touch our attention focuses entirely on our genitals. We ignore the rest of our body. It’s as if we live in two worlds: no genitals and only genitals. I believe that it’s important to engage the entire body when masturbating.
Assignment
For this exercise find a comfortable spot and plan on a time when you can be alone and undisturbed. You may want to turn your telephone off. Position your mirror where you can see your face and most of your body. Create an atmosphere that is comforting for you. This may include candles, music, items of personal significance, or erotic toys. Use whatever works for you.
Begin the exercise by closing your eyes and checking in with your body. Note any areas that are tight or relaxed. Try not to judge your feelings – just note them. Scan your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
Create an intention to erotically touch all of your body. Begin with the top of your head.
Include your face and ears. Slowly caress your arms. Feel the sensation of your touch on the hairs of your skin. Caress your hands. Move to your chest. Play with your nipples! Spend time loving your breasts. Include your belly with your touch. Most of us ignore our bellies – some of us are ashamed of this part of our body. Make love to your belly.
Include erotic touch of your genitals. Use slow deliberate touch. Explore your inner and outer labia. Allow yourself to gently play with all kinds of touch around your clitoris and then move deep back around your vagina and your perineum. Caress the tender places on the inside of your legs. Include your feet and toes.
Erotically wake up your entire body. Yes, your genitals can create lots of erotic energy. But so can the rest of your body.
 Working with our Male Partners on Expanding Pleasure and Experiencing Erotic Trance
Most of us learned to masturbate when we were much younger. At this time in our lives we learned that we needed to hide our pleasure from others – like parents or siblings. This required us to be very efficient about masturbation. We learned to be quick and quiet. For some of us this habit carried into adulthood. We needed to be quick and quiet to hide our masturbation from roommates, partners or spouses. This results in a lifetime of quick hidden masturbation.
For men, this habit conditioned our bodies to ejaculate quickly.
Assignment
The focus of this exercise is to recondition our bodies with our partners. This is about learning to build pleasure. It’s not about ‘controlling ’male ejaculation. You may find that you and your partner need a lot of practice with this exercise. That’s okay, reconditioning takes time. And it's fun!
This exercise is about learning how to build excitement and enjoyment of pleasure without climax. This is a one way touch exercise - where you will be trading with your partner on giving and receiving touch. I recommend doing this on different nights. Ladies - start by giving your man a full body massage and then moving to the genitals. When touching your man's genitals - the key to building pleasure is to vary the pace and the strokes. Most of us are used to doing the ‘piston’ stroke – the usual up down stroke with a fist. I recommend that you vary the pace. Try using a ‘backhand’ stroke – reversing your hand as you stroke you man. You may want to switch hands. Include some light pulling and tugging of his balls. Include touching his perineum.
This exercise is focused on the distinction between excitement and enjoyment. All pleasure involves two polar opposites: “interest-excitement” and “enjoyment-joy.” Interest - Excitement is felt in the body as an increase in neurological firings. Excitement is that phase
where our erotic energy is increasing, progressing upwards on a curve leading towards orgasm and ejaculation. Our energies are focused on increasing the level of sexual energy.
Enjoyment-Joy is felt in the body as a decrease in neurological firings. Enjoyment is focused on simply experiencing the pleasurable feelings. The focus here isn’t on increasing the erotic energy as much as it is focused on experiencing that energy.
A complete pleasure cycle usually involves the build up of excitement followed by a period of enjoyment. Most of us are better are experiencing excitement than experiencing enjoyment. One of the ways of getting into an erotic trance state is to alternate consciously between excitement and enjoyment.
Talk to your partner. Ask him to tell you when he is getting close to the place where he feesl somewhat close to orgasm, when he shares that - then back off on your strokes. Stop building excitement. Instead, spend some time focusing on the pleasurable sensations in his body. Encourage him to enjoy the feelings. Move to rubbing his breasts and nipples...kiss his belly and allow him to float in the session.
You may want to help him to scan body similar to what we did during the breathing exercise earlier. Ask him to scan his body from head to toe and become aware of what he notices. Encourage him to enjoy the waves of pleasure that he may be experiencing. When you feel ready to increase the erotic excitement, feel free to resume generating erotic energy. Freely switch back and forth between the two modes.
Spend time enjoying and savoring Don't get hung up on erections. Erections come and go - it's a natural cycle. Don't focus on making sure that your man is maintaining his erection; rather, focus on the pleasure and note the distinction in feelings between touching him with an erection and without.
This exercise can simply be reverse for you as the woman receiving touch Do him first so he gets the idea You can also use this exercise as a self pleasuring exercise - you do not need a partner to experience all of the things that I have talked about in the exercise.
Enjoy and savor Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Pamela

Do You Have a Pleasure Ceiling?

It's sometimes true. The women that I coach and support around sexuality teach me through their openness in sharing their feelings. It happened again, just other day. I was in the middle of working with an extraordinary 40 year old female client around building her "Pleasure Plan". We were in the midst of talking about orgasms and self pleasuring as a way of her exploring and expanding her pleasure.  I had given her an assignment during the session to try on during the week between our calls.  The assignment  felt really big for her, because she was like most people. Self Pleasuring (masturbation) followed the "Quiet and Quick Rule".  How quickly could she self pleasure and how quietly. A married woman - she tried to sneak in her self pleasure around a husband not catching her.

We spoke about how she was treating her own sexuality the way a not so polite lover might treat her.  She never romanced herself before she took out the vibrator to "get off".  There was no sexy self talk, no hot bubble bath, no loving self massage with favorites oils. She didn't even take the time to get undressed.  She and I were laughing hysterically as we compared her treatment of her own vagina over and over again to that of an inconsiderate lover who just wanted to come and take what he wanted and get out.  She never stayed with her own sexual excitement long enough to see if there was perhaps more pleasure to be found. After all, she had got what she had come for....why wait around to see if her body wanted more pleasure or not?

"I think I have a pleasure ceiling" my client said.  Wow a "Pleasure Ceiling"! I loved the term that just flew out of her mouth in a moment of epiphany. "Yes, I think that I worry that if I have too much pleasure that something bad will happen like I will stop being responsible or something. Or I will go off the rails. It's not just sex it's also food, or dancing - anywhere I have pleasure. I always cut it short. I have to be responsible and leave early so I can make sure that I won't be late for work in the morning.  Or worse - just ditch it all for pleasure. So I think I keep it under wraps."

Holy Guacamole! My client had nailed it - and she was speaking for so people.  We have installed "Pleasure Ceilings" because if we don't-  we might "go off the rails".  It's such an interesting story that so many of us have created around our own pleasure.  Somehow, if our pleasure goes too far - it will wreak our lives.  Of course I am the Queen of removing pleasure ceilings and proving that it will not wreak your life - in fact it will transform you life.

My client and I sat with each other a while, and I asked her if she was going to be able to do her assignment of expanding her self pleasure the way discussed. She looked at me with her dark open eyes and said; "Sometimes I say to myself; Self - what made you think you can do this? Take it to another level? Experience something more? And then, I get kinda angry with myself! Why not? I've got the goods to do it! It's about time! Well, why not me? It's time to move my pleasure ceiling."

So where are the "Pleasure Ceilings" in your life? Where are you frightened that if you moved them up higher, or break them down completely that something awful will happen? I promise you that things might change, transform and look different - that's true. But I bet the view will be so much more beautiful with a sun roof.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

 

 

The ReBirthing of You

You are going to start hearing the word "reBirthing" from me a lot. Right next to "Back to The Body" because I think it's about our bodies and the constant ability to allow a new self to come through. It is about change and transformation which is something that I am devoting my life to. Not just for you - as a coach, muse, and educator. But for me. I am constantly looking at who I am, and the patterns that make up my life. I am a change and transformation junkie - and it's not always easy.  There may be labor pains.  You may need support. Tons of it. When I am in the midst of a Rebirthing of my own self, I call in the troops to support me. I'm doing that right now in my own life. Sometimes, I scream with the pain of my own labor as I allow my newest powerful Pamela to come forth. Sometimes, I don't get the help I ask for. And sometimes, I do. This is reBirth and not everyone can hold you. You need to find the people that can and surround yourself with them. And like any labor, it will be worth it. That I can promise you.

I can't believe that in my life of change and transformation that I am approaching a new frontier again. Didn't I just do that? But here it is,  a new frontier with new ideas and responses. My priorities are changing.

What about you? Here are a few of the tell tale signs that you are about to shed a skin and reinvent yourself again:

* an impulsive decision to do something out of character

*a willingness to take a calculated risk into the unknown

*a determination to make contact with ones' authentic self and tap into the true passion there

*a desire to become a source of truth about life for the next generation

*the delicious freedom of looking the latest expectation in a life time of expectation in the eye and saying "not me, not now!"

Do you feel the twitch? Perhaps that's why you hang out with me. Because I love to ask the question; "What's next?" Maybe you find that question challenging and exciting.  You might find that in this new place that you let go of drawing from your past experiences. What was, may no longer fit all. As the journey goes forward you may need to get to know this new persona a little bit. Welcome your new outlook, new confidence, new dreams. We are not programmed to fade away. As we move into this place of rebirthing ourselves, we might find that we are better suited to new challenges than we ever were in the past. As you move forward in your new explorations, this unfamiliar persona, this mischievous Tinkerbell at our ear, matures into the voice we count on most. It gets stronger, more authoritative , more philosophical, more courageous.

People rebirthing themselves, in their second adult hood are different than anyone else. They tell the truth.

Listen to your voice. Listen to your body.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

You Are Half Water

I have always had this thing about water. Perhaps it is the Tantra metaphors about the feminine and the masculine that got me. The feminine is often described as "a river" and the masculine "the banks". I really got that. I was the wild river flowing, and I always felt like my feminine was in full force when it was held and contained by strong banks. I like to say that if the banks weren't strong when my river was rising - that the water would flood small villages and hurt unsuspecting people. I felt like I needed that - and I noticed that when my energy was flowing and contained that my creativity went way up. I was happier. But if I'm dependent on the banks (the masculine) as an outside force (not a part of myself that I learned to source),  and the banks are not showing up - life can get pretty tricky for a river. I just came across this passage from author Margaret Atwood and this is what she has to say about water:

“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”

I love this passage. What a different perspective than the one that I had been holding about water.

I think I like this one better. And the banks? I still like them. But we all have an inner feminine and masculine in our own bodies. Lately, I have be resourcing my own banks a bit more. And the creativity has been flowing because it's true what Margaret says about water - it's patient and nothing in the end will stop water from where it wants to go. And water can do this without resistance - just by flowing.

So what is stopping your flow? What is your story about it?

You are half water. If there's an obstacle go around it.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

I'm Not a Goddess

I have a confession to make. I'm not a Goddess. Honestly, I don't think I ever was. But everyone loves the idea of being a "Goddess" and calling each other "Sister Goddess". It's like "the thing". Especially among new age sex educators and their flock. So, I do it. If it makes you feel sexually empowered to be called a Goddess: then poof you are a Goddess. At Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, we often call the women Goddesses. It's meant in a loving and playful way. We want to permission women to be in their full body expression and to feel powerful. and if calling yourself a Goddess gives you permission and empowerment, then why the fuck not? Embrace it. Be a Goddess.

But I'm not a Goddess. I am a very unusual and very normal woman. I understand to you that I may not seem normal - but to me that is who I am. I am sometimes insecure about so many things. My normality and fears runs the spectrum from weight and aging to my ability to create the life I want. I have kids. I worry about them. I have friendships and an expanded sexuality that can put me through my paces. I have a marriage of 32 years.

If I think of myself in grander terms, I'm the Queen of my own life. I have the power to put into motion the kind of life that I want to live. I am magical like that. I can choose what I'm willing to show up for, and I can disappear. I can bring you into my court - or I can banish you. I have the power to live as fully as I want to. Queens can give gifts and she can surrender her kingdom. Queens can also be betrayed, lose their lands and have their hearts broken. Queens are both powerful and vulnerable. And yes, I suppose the same could be said for Goddesses.

But I am mortal. I am a woman. I take the trash out. I get that this confession may make me way too normal for you. But for me, my life is pretty sexy.

What about you?

Loving you from here,

Pamela

What's Your Excuse For Playing Small?

Many of you say that you want to do so many things! You want to travel to India, find inner peace, have a healthy and delicious relationship with your own body and have an extraordinary sex life. You say that you want to "find your orgasm", raise your libido, learn how to attract a lover or relight the fire on the relationship that you currently have.

If you want something this badly - why don't you do it?

Enter your ubiquitous companion: FEAR.

You are terrified of failing. So many of you have tried one or two things to create a change in your life - and change is hard! It takes practice and you may not have hit on "The Thing" that is really going to nail it for you.  You decide that your efforts have failed, and you don't want to fail again. How you perceive failure is a game changer. What if you saw each step that you took on your way to your desires as a step on the road to success? A great big success! Forget the all or nothing mentality! That, quite frankly, is bullshit.

Allow yourself the pleasure of all of your small steps, and see each positive motion as a celebration, because it is.

What else do you use to hold yourself back from getting what you really want in your life?  You play small.

I know all the excuses: you want happiness, but you are not going to pay fifty bucks for that meditation series by that top teacher that might support your path - because come on it's fifty bucks! You want happiness -  it's the most important thing in the world to you, but you are not going to pay for it.  But go on - buy those new boots!

Money is the biggest excuse that people use to stop them from getting what they want. You want to  make big changes, and then you look at the price tag and say you can't afford it. I wonder a lot about that.  In my mind - how can you afford not to?  People always find a way to pay for what they truly think is important in their lives.

You see, you do not have to be anywhere near wealthy. But to live a big life, it takes something other than money. It takes courage and a desire for more that is way bigger than your fear of what you could gain if you stopped playing small. That's right - "Playing Small". What would happen if you actually healed your relationship with your own sexuality? You might get bigger. Then what?  You can remove the obstacle and open the gate. It is really about finding your courage.

Marianne Williamson says it so beautifully in "A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles".

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

So, what excuse are you using? Are you waiting to be thinner? Do you think that what you need to help support you is out of your financial range? Do you allow your partner to hold your back? Do you think you are too old? Do you think  you can't  have what you want in your life right now because you have young  kids?

What  excuse are you using for not facing your fear?

Find it. Look at it. And then decide if you really want to live the kind of life that you tell yourself that you want.

Do you want to find inner happiness? Do you want a healthy, extraordinary relationship with your body? Do you want more abundance in your life? Do you want a better relationship with yourself?

Does this scare the crap out of you?

It might. Because changing any relationship with yourself will create feelings and reactions that are not only very scary - they will remove you far from your comfort zone.   It is far more comfortable to aspire and complain than it is to actually do anything that will help create the life you say you want. You know where you are and somehow it feels safe to you,  even if you know you can have more. Even if you are dying to have something different in your life.

Think about it. Is this true for you?  And then decide if you really want to play small? Notice that your excuses are really your fear talking.

What do you want?

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Got Comments? Do it here on the live blog!

What to ditch playing small? Wonder what it might be like to have me on your team? Send me an email and let's talk about how I can support you in getting what you want - Pamela@Beingshameless.com

Want more inspiration?

Watch this short video with me speaking about how you can find your own true pleasure:

Read my story about how I stopped playing small in my memoir - "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner".

Your Sexuality Is Your Garden, Your Will The Gardener

I meet women every day who want something more in their lives when it comes to their relationship with their own bodies. They feel shut down and turned off when it come to their own sexual selves. They describe to me a general feeling of numbness, lack of sexual desire and this feeling that someone just turned off the switch "down there". And yet they call me, because they know that deep down, their own bodies tell them there is more for them to have. The fear and excitement in that initial outreach is palpable. This letter from a 60 year old woman tells the tale: "After years of disappointing sexual experiences (thanks to disowning what I now know were my own legitimate sensual/sexual/intimacy needs, at a very young age) there is still juiciness inside me, and the possibility of satisfying, even ecstatically transcendent sensuous sexual spiritual experience (by myself, and with a partner) for the rest of what I expect will be a very long life! So sending this email is my first big risk-taking reaching-for-the-moon of 2014 (maybe even scarier than jumping out of an airplane, running a marathon, and climbing 10 mountains when I was 40)."

During our first sessions, many of the women describe to me a feeling of stomach upset and resistance - as if their genitals are saying something to them like "Leave me alone! Go away! I don't want to wake up! Why are you doing this to me?"

The fear of "reunion pain" when a woman gets to not only make peace with her genitals but finds the capacity to meet her genitals again in pleasure feels terrifying.

There can be the fear of regret which can sound like this: "I can't believe how amazing it is to finally be in touch again with my sexuality" which dissolves into tears and the lament, "Why did I wait so long?" The fear of reunion pain is real, the struggle women are facing between their own resistance and their desires for reuniting with their bodies is extraordinary. It's almost as if years of sexual rejection from partners, or messages from society, have created a place in a woman's body where her own genitals are saying; "Fine, you didn't want me when I wanted to be wanted - so now I don't want you."

The good news is that women are breaking through this wall and finding out that their bodies were just as scared as their minds. Once we move past that initial terror of; "I can't, I'm stuck, Nothing works, I'm ugly, I'm old, My hormones are a mess and nobody wants me anymore" - pleasure can happen and that changes everything.

Do you recognize yourself here? I promise you, that you are not alone.

Here are some tips for gently easing yourself back into a healthy relationship with your own sexuality:

1. Dignify your own desires: Spend some time thinking about what it is you want in your own personal relationship to your body and sexuality. Get to know what you truly desire. Write it down. Speak it to somebody such as a close friend, partner, therapist or sexuality coach. Speaking your desires can be powerful and life changing.

2. Prioritize pleasure in your life. Create a "Pleasure Plan". Start to look at even the smallest moments of choice in your life as a possibility for pleasure. Do you want that salad because you think you should have it, or because eating it will give you pleasure? Notice the pleasure choices you are making. Making pleasure a conscious choice every time you are choosing something can change your experience of even the smallest decision.

3. Activate your ability to receive. The extent to which you are able to receive pleasure and kindness in your life has a direct influence on your ability to love and feel your body. Oftentimes women are great givers, but really don't know how to receive or take for themselves. Look at where you are pushing away pleasure, kindness and support. Try saying "Yes, I would." instead of, "I'm fine."

So many woman have put fences around their sexuality garden and they may have been put there for good reason. There may have been a feeling that this part of you needed protecting and just wanted everyone including your own self to keep out. But it's possible that you are hearing this tiny voice in your head that is urging you to do something about these fences for a very good reason.

You know deep inside that there are riches to explore, and you just don't know how to get started.

Listen to the little voice. 

If your sexuality is your garden, then your will is the gardener. You are not too late.

What to Do After Reading This Article:

Please take a moment to "Like it" "Share it" and give it a Tweet! And comments are always a pleasure!

Are you curious about Pamela's "Back to the Body Retreats For Women"? Check out the website here.

Do you want to know more about Pamela's journey back to her own sexuality and healing her body when she put her big toe into the mid-life? Read "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner" (Rodale, 2011).

 

 

 

 

Ladies: Can You Love Yourself and Not Trust Other Women?

Women are harder on each other than men are on each other.  I don't have a study to back that up. That observation comes from a life time of being around women. One theory is that we want men to like us: - a lot. More than anything we want men to validate our beauty, our desirability, and our brilliance. After all, many women have been taught their entire lives that we are not worth anything unless a man tells us so. We cut our teeth on learning how to flirt and gain the attention and approval of men. And if the current masculine culture says that women are not to be trusted, that women are sneaky and snarky; we learn to stay away from women too. So, is the female distrust of females all the result of a misogynistic culture? Perhaps. And does the root cause matter? Or is the central issue truly about what this female to female mistrust does to our own sense of our selves as women? Can women heal their own issues with their body and their sexuality without being able to feel trust with other women? q

The healing that women need to do with other women has been the most eye opening part of my work with women's sexuality and body issues both in my private coaching practice and  during "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women" .

There is some research that shows that women, during their college years, were less likely to want to be friends with other women who are seen as sexually active.  The study showed that these women clearly noticed the "sexually alive" female peer and, as a result, held a negative view of her.  Can we ever really heal our own issues with our bodies, our sexuality, and our feelings of self worth if we hold these views of other women?  And what about these views? Are they really what they seem to be on the surface?

When we judge another woman on her sexual expression is that a sign that we are living in fear and judgement of our own bodies and sexuality? If we cannot celebrate another woman in her sexual aliveness can we be vulnerable enough to truly celebrate ourselves? If we hold the belief that women are sneaky, snarky nasty bitches who are not trustworthy, aren't we on the deepest of levels talking about ourselves?

My work with women has shown me again and again that this disconnect, judgement and competitiveness  with other women comes from a wounded place inside ourselves. When we feel inadequate and defensive about our own femaleness, we have little tolerance for women who seem to own theirs.

In our judgement of other women we are actually often covetous of what they have and how they behave.

So how does the healing begin? As in any healing journey - there isn't one way.  I do believe that if we women want to come back to our own bodies and learn to truly love ourselves, we also need to begin to open up to trust with other women.

If women can't trust other women; if we can't form relationships with other women,  support other women and see the beauty in their bodies and sexual expression - we are disconnecting from ourselves in a subtle and destructive way.

Notice other women and try on seeing them with curiosity and compassion. And then bring that curiosity and compassion back to yourself.  Offer them compliments and go out of your way to say nice things about them to other people both in front of other women and behind their backs.

Take the time to learn about your body and practice being kind to all of you. Bring that kindness to the women around you.  Don't join in when people bash other women around their sexuality, clothing, self- expression, and weight. Whenever we do this, we are in some way not only hurting them, but cutting ourselves.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

 

Are You in An Addictive Relationship With Yourself?

When therapists and coaches talk about "addictive relationships", they are usually talking about a relationship with another human being.  But have you ever considered that you could be in an "Addictive Relationship" with yourself? An addictive relationship is basically one that causes you pain, embodies a love/hate dynamic, and is frequently blown apart by drama, conflicts, and dissatisfaction.

It's called an addiction because even though you may be aware of how dysfunctional and destructive the relationship is, you keep doing the same thing over and over again. You keep participating in the conflict and the dynamics.

I think that way more of us are in destructive addictive relationships with ourselves then with other people.

Five Symptoms That You Are In an Addictive Relationship With Yourself:

1. You Talk Body Shame All The Time: You are never happy with your appearance. Whether it is your weight, your style, or your various body parts.

2. You are sure that you are not worthy of love. That there will never be the right partner out there for you because you are simply not enough. And you stick with a relationship that you know deep in your heart is not right for you, because you think that it can't get any better. After all, aren't you lucky that you "landed" this relationship at all?

3. You have repetitive negative thoughts about other women, and always feel like you need to compete or be better than they are.

4. You feel disconnected to your own sexuality while you have repetitive thoughts about how you "think" things could be better. You stay stuck in the constant thinking - but you never try anything new.

5. You are always reading self help articles and books looking for an answer to your own pain, but never seem to find it.

The only way out of this destructive, addictive cycle with yourself is to change your behaviors and take a good strong look in the mirror. I mean it. Go look in the mirror and ask yourself these questions.

Questions to Ask Yourself When Seeking to End an Addictive Relationship With Yourself:

1. What are you willing to put up with? Would you hang out with a friend that treats you and speaks to you the way you are treating yourself?

2. Can you name the ways in which you are abusive to yourself?

3. Do you pretend that you are not hurting yourself so that you don't have to change?

4. Can you entertain the possibility that you could love yourself right now - just as you are. Could you possibly believe that change can only come from a place of self love and allowing yourself pleasure? Can you name how you love yourself now?Your relationship with yourself reflects the best of who you are, and what you can get out of life.Take a good hard look. Are you in a destruction addictive relationship with yourself? Ignoring it won't make it go away. Pretending that you are not in an addictive cycle of self hate talk will not create the pleasure in your life and fulfillment that most of us seek.Instead you may find yourself stuck in anger, anxiety, depression, low libido and sometimes isolation.

You are the one who is stopping yourself from making changes that will improve your life, your options, your reactions and ultimately your future and every present moment in your life. How do you move out of this cycle?

1. Acknowledge the clearest truth about what you are feeling, what you are thinking, and what you want.

2. Stop worrying about what others might think about your feelings. Stop judging. Try accepting where you are right now and then decide what action you want to take next.

3. Acknowledge your own uniqueness. You have your own way of being. Your own views and opinions. You walk in the world your own way. See yourself with your own loving eyes - not through the eyes of others.

4. Write down how you would like to express yourself in your own greatness.

5. Take the next step. Make the choices and take actions that reflect who you know yourself to really be. Do not treat yourself with anything less than you deserve and don't let others as well.

Ultimately, it's really up to you. If you are addicted to emotional anguish, and never getting what you want - you can stay right where you are. But there is a world full of beauty, support, adventure and pleasure. You have to choose it.

You need to find the courage to not only move towards that reality, but to stay with it once you put your big toe in it. This may mean moving out of your comfort zone and staying there for a while. The familiar is comfortable even if it is painful. It's yours after all. You know it well.

Only you can choose to give up this tired old addictive relationship with yourself and the pain that can come with it. Are you ready?

Loving you from here,

Pamela

PS. I would love to help. I am offering a "Letting Go of Addictive Self Hatred and Creating a Pleasure Plan" Package. Curious? Email me at Pamela@BacktoTheBody.com and put "Time For Change" in the subject line. What could be a better plan for 2014?

Hide and Seek

Here's the thing, if you really really want to hide - you can. You can hide from the mirror.  You can hide in the dark and in baggy clothes. You can hide your sexuality from yourself and from the world.  If you want to hide, you can hide.  And hiding in plain sight is a special talent. But we practice it. We learn to put on masks and be seen just the way we think the world needs to see us if we want to be accepted. We hide out of own vulnerability - and the fear of rejection and ridicule. But that doesn't change our desires. Even while we're hiding we want. We may want to be desired. We may want to desire. We may want more in our lives - and we may really want the capability to have full erotic expression.

So many of us think that we are broken sexually and undesirable. One of the most important lessons I have learned about sex and bodies is that there is a body out there for everyone! Some people think that skinny, hard bodies with small breasts is the hottest thing around. And other people think that soft, curvy big breasted women are what they want to dive into. We like men with body hair and bald heads and men with long hair with wiry beards.  Bodies are sexy and they are all different.  And there are plenty of people who will think you are sexy if you think you are sexy. But you may be too busy  figuring out how to hide to notice.

Not only do too many of us think we are repulsive naked, but we are convinced that we are incapable of "doing sex right".

There is this fear that we don't know how to touch, or be sexual. There is this fear that no one would want to see us naked or touch us in a way that would give us pleasure - even if we knew what that was.

Here is the truth: Being sexual is vulnerable. It does usually involve being naked and being seen. It's really hard to be fully sexual and hide at the same time - but it's amazing how many people do manage that skill! They learn to separate their body from their mind. And if you can manage that skill - that really difficult skill of enduring sex - imagine what it could be like to embrace your vulnerability and take on pleasure?

Most people in the world don't know what their body is capable of when it comes to sensual pleasure. It's no one's fault, and no one is broken. We are simply not taught how to give touch or how to receive touch. And I don't think we can learn this through videos or books. Not really. I think we learn this by doing, by receiving, by practice and by example. My favorite part of any retreat, is hearing a woman say: "I didn't know that I could feel that. I didn't know that this kind of pleasure was available to me." And then watching their entire life begin to shift.

If you really want to hide, you can hide forever. Or you can embrace your vulnerability, welcome in fear and take a step towards being seen. It's like taking a step towards healing, pleasure and transformation.

One step might be to join my "Shameless Community". 

It usually costs $25.00 to join. But put in the words "Hide and Seek Offer" in your profile, and I will invite you in as my gift.

Go ahead. Take a step. Come out of hiding.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

The Importance of Having a Pleasure Plan

 

So, do you have a "Pleasure Plan"? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I spend hours everyday “channeling the Goddess” in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a “Pleasure Plan” and often that means reaching out of the box.  How do we feed ourselves pleasure? Perhaps it’s not the story book romance that we thought we would have in our lives. Or our marriage beds have cooled, or there isn’t a partner at all. Or maybe we just want something more or different? What then? Do we simply crumble and find ourselves in a very long season of discontent?

Screw that. Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own “Year of Pleasures”. Start a journal about it.  Start a Pleasure Plan Blog. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

It just doesn't look one way. And without support you are as likely to drop your Pleasure Plan as the next Green Diet Cleanse!

I am dedicated to living a life filled with pleasure, and I love to inspire pleasure appreciation in others. It’s my work, and it’s my passion. Pleasure is my creative rocket fuel for all the parts of my life – and it can be yours too.

It’s okay to go digging in your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure.  January1st is just around the corner. Why not begin to plan for a new kind of New Year’s Resolution? How about declaring your own “Year of Pleasure”?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing a coaching series with me! The Queen of Pleasure! Let me help you tap into what you want, and let figure out how to get it.  Set up a free consultation to talk about setting up a "Pleasure Plan" for yourself.

2. Layout your calender and your finances! Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a “Pleasure Retreat”. I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn’t have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! If you are a woman – consider joining me, Ron and Neal at our May "July 3rd Back to the Body Retreat  limited to only six women.

5. Consider a private retreat with a hands on practitioner, and go on your own Shameless Journey……and yes…..of course I can help you there too!  I can help you plan a private mini retreat for yourself, working with me and a Sexological Bodyworker. We also create private mini couple's retreats. Email me, we can talk about it!

Don't know what I am talking about? Read my book! Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner!

Face your life, and look to your desires, leave no path untaken.

The point is to make a plan. These are some ideas to get you started, and an offer of help.

Wanna talk about a Pleasure Plan? Send an email to Pamela@PamelaMadsen.org  and we can set up a free consultation.

Loving you from here…..

Pamela

Fair Energy Exchange in Sex and Relationship

It's time to talk fair trade when it come to sexuality and intimate relationships! Are you giving as good as you are getting and are you getting as good as you are giving? The concept of fairness and balance in energy exchange is not a new one, in fact I found a few articles and blogs about this idea on the internet. But I first heard about it in conversation with a friend over lunch. It seems reasonable, but somehow until I heard the term "Fair Energy Exchange", it didn't put my own feelings about giving and taking into perspective.

Most of us understand trading money for physical things, or even trading physical things for physical things. Ever go to a card swap? While we trade physical things, we are all also involved in trading energy on some level. We may on a very subtle level be also trading our emotions or thoughts. Have you ever bartered? Struck a deal? What did that feel like to you?

So, in the world of physical trading, it's all about everyone getting what is fair in value. In a fair energy exchange it's all about each person getting a fair and agreeable or balanced share of the effort and energy being put out and received in relationship.

People don't just steal or take advantage in business. People also steal, take advantage, or make bad trades when it comes to another person's energy.

Beware the energy suckers! These are the folks that are really good at getting, but rarely put out. They can literally steal your life force energy in order to feel better themselves. Energy suckers can keep you waiting, those folks that are consistently late for everything. Energy suckers are often insensitive to the emotional or physical state of another person and continue on with their own agenda. They may also demand unreasonable things and cause stress in the lives of their friends and family. Energy suckers can also steal ideas and pass them off as their own, such as writing about "Fair Energy Exchange" and saying that it is an original concept! It's important in energy exchange to give credit.

Fair Energy Exchange in sex and intimate relationship is crucial even in "Power Relationships" when one person is dominant and one is submissive. When a submissive gives to a dominant, the dominant also has responsibilities in supporting the submissive's needs at the back end. In every kind of sexual relationship, no matter how kinky or traditional - there is an energy exchange and fairness counts.

If you believe in what you give comes back to you, the universal law of Karma, we need to be aware of the balance of what we are taking and giving in a relationship. How we give back may be very varied. It may not be an orgasm trade!

So pay attention to your energy exchanges. It's important not to get stuck in a pattern of over receiving and over giving. Spending too long in each pattern will eventually cause a relationship collapse. We need to think about how to give back the energy in healthy amounts to the person that is giving to us, and this is not always as straight forward as it seems. Some ways of giving back can include touch. Giving a massage without receiving one back. Reaching for a hand, or putting an arm around your intimate partner while you are walking. using your "love language" with each other. Is it important to your intimate partner to be called by a nick name? Do you have a special way of signing off emails? Taking the time to listen without inserting your own story. Texting, or phoning just to send love. Planning an evening out, or even the traditional bringing of the flowers are all examples of ways to give energy. Taking your partner on a trip, making sure that their is wine in their glass, the possibilities are endless for way that we can give and take energy in intimate relationships. It is all about balance and being aware of the other person. So much of energy exchange is subtle. It can take the form of kind words, sharing our creative thinking, cooking meals, and even how we react verbally or physically to each other. How can we offer sexy fun, healing, compassion and support to each other?

We live in a world that is full of transition and erratic energy. Everyone it seems is going through something in our every day lives. The world is calling for our attention, and demanding our time. It's hard to create the time and attention that is often required for a fair energy exchange. It takes effort to give and receive pleasure, love, caring, and intimacy in our everyday lives.

It's important to remember that whatever we receive, is taken from somewhere.

We can also take a more proactive perspective to energy exchange. We can help build kindness reserves by giving more than we take. This is service. It's always our choice of what we need, want or expect in an energy exchange. It's just a good idea to be aware that fairness counts. Play fair everybody!

Reclaiming Our Virginity

I am studying the work this week of Saida Desilets, Ph.D.  I was attracted to her because she does a lot of work with women around the use of the Jade Egg which is an embodiment practice that I am intending to bring to our work at Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women (BttB). In her writing, Saida speaks about this concept of "Reclaiming Our Virginity". I love this. Mostly because it has put words to what I see in the women who leave "Back to The Body", and what I have experienced in myself.

So many of the women who I watch leave BttB feel to me like they have been born again sexually, or have reclaimed their own pure sexual essence. It is as if they have returned to a natural state where they are free from contamination, foreign shame, the softening and letting go abuse or negative thoughts about their bodies and sexuality.  I watch many regain a feeling of spontaneity around their sexual desires where they only welcome in what they need in order to feel in a state of completeness.

We can learn to touch and reclaim this pure essence of our own sexual energy. It is always pure, spontaneous, wild, free, and available to help us create whatever we want in this life. As Saida says, "As we reclaim our virginity we return to our innate sense of self. Through redefining ourselves according to our own truth and not according to what others lead us to believe, we deepen our trust in really knowing what that is for us".

Yes, it is possible to be born again sexually - and to keep being reborn and kept in a pure state of sexual virginity where every touch and moment is free from contamination.  I love this definition of virginity. It's not about penis in vagina, it's about the pureness of feeling and the opening afresh every time to touch. It's this sense of aliveness and anticipation to each and every sexual encounter, and a shame free curiosity to our own bodies that can keep us as eternal virgins.

I love putting new language to ideas and thoughts that I already know to be true.  Yes, it is possible to be an eternal virgin. I watched a 75 year old woman become one last retreat. It can be reclaimed, and kept forever.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

PS...Have any thoughts? Put them here!

 

 

Do I Need Lipstick?

I love this Rumi most of all:  "Forget Safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be Notorious.

Not a big surprise, if you know anything about me. But it is something that I choose over and over again. I choose it when I wrote "Shameless".  And I am choosing it right now, simultaneously writing a book of erotica and a self help book at the same time.  I kept being drawn to both - "The Arousal Principle" and "The Surrender Games". And I worried that no one would take "The Arousal Principal" (the self help book), seriously if I wrote erotica (which for me is part memoir anyway!). So, I kept putting down "The Surrender Games", because I am a SERIOUS FEMALE SEX COACH! Right. And then I decided once again to follow my heart and my fingers and I am forgetting safety. Right now again, I am living where I fear to live. I am writing self help and sexy stories. I am running retreats for women that are so magnificent and out of the box, that they couldn't even imagine the box when Will, Ron and I created "Back to The Body".

Oh yeah. I might destroy my reputation. Who knows....I may be notorious already. Isn't that kind of wonderful?

I feel great. I am right where I should be.

What about you?

Can you let yourself forget safety? Can you live in that place of low vibration arousal where you have this tingle of anticipation that starts in your pelvis and rolls up through your body throughout the day?

Can you let yourself feel what it is to live where you fear most? You say you want to live with an open heart, and destroy the old patterns. You read all of us "self help" Goddesses to you are blue in the face. How many pictures with new age expressions can you "LIKE" in one day on Facebook?

Let me kick your ass. You can discover yourself anew and it will be risky. It always is. You may spend your fortune on your quest. You may break you heart a thousand times over. But you will fall in love. You might change the world.

Stop holding back.Really, I may be just like you. I have all of the fears. I have insecurity. I worry about scarcity. Sometimes I allow my ego to get in the way and have incredibly strong feelings of jealousy. Sometimes, I just worry if I'm pretty enough to get out there and rock this world.

Do I need lipstick?

You found me, this blog and perhaps my Shameless Community which is filled with people who want to create change in their lives and in some ways the world. Soak it up. Breathe in my intensity and make it yours. Dance. Sing. Write. Get Sexy. Fall in love with yourself. Hang out with your friends and love on each other with unbridled support. Laugh until your ribs hurt.Let yourself feel. You can do this.

We can do this together. Soak it in. And if you like, put on lipstick. I do.

Hands on Sexuality Healing: An Absolutely, Indispensible Primer

If you read my book "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner" you know that I'm a fan of "Hands on"  or Somatic (through the body) sexuality healing. It's also a great way to go deeper into your body and explore your sexuality in a safe way that is all about you.  Through working with a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, or a trained Sacred Intimate, you can safely explore your own body and work on everything from understanding your own erotic responses, to learning how to manage body and sexual shame. Frankly, the list of things that you can explore with hands on work is very extensive. Every day I speak with women who are exploring working with a "Somatic Sex Educator" and besides looking for help on finding their way, they want to know how to keep things safe, and get the most out of their sessions.

Here are four things that you can do to get the most our of your sessions and keep yourself safe! It's all about being able to speak our desires, setting boundaries, understanding consent and slowing down. The best sessions in the world happens when we take the time to understand and honor this foundation.

Think about the best sex you ever had.  Were you in a place of having your desires heard? Were your boundaries honored? Did you lover take the time to make sure that you were on board?  If we don't feel safe, we can't relax. And if we can't relax there is no arousal, blood flow, or the ability to surrender into pleasure.  Even though your Sexological Bodyworkers is not your lover, you are exploring sexuality with this trained professional. If we don't understand boundaries, consent, and how to slow things down so that we can really feel and understand what is happening for us in a session: disasters can happen.

So, here's an absolutely, indispensable primer on what you should understand in order to not only get the most out of your sessions, but keep yourself safe too!

Understanding and Setting Sexual Boundaries:

Sexual boundaries include boundaries about your body, who touches you intimately or how they will touch you.  Sexual boundaries can also include how you are willing to be spoken to when comments are sexual in nature.  So many of us are attached to this idea that every aspect of sex is "natural". And that our lovers should somehow know intuitively how far we are willing to go, and what we will enjoy.  We can go into a session with a trained Sexological Bodyworker the same way.

Now, your practitioner is well trained in boundaries. For example, in a Certified Sexological Bodywork session, the practitioner keeps his/her clothes on and the touch is one way which means that they touch your body - you do not touch their in an erotic way.  But have you thought about your boundaries before you go into a session?

Perhaps you are not ready to be completely naked your first time? Or you do not want internal work? Knowing this ahead of time and communicating clearly with your practitioner is very important. Have conversations with your practitioner about your boundaries and concerns.

And remember, boundaries can change and shift over time, so keeping an ongoing conversation going between you and your practitioner. I also highly recommend not shifting your boundary during a session! We can often change our minds about things when things heat up! But, later - we may have regrets. So notice during your session if you are wanting a boundary shift and discuss it with your practitioner.

I highly recommend waiting until your next session to move that boundary, and really making sure that you want to move it. Doing this with a clear head and not in the moment is essential!

Remember, that having this conversation about boundaries can create tremendous freedom in your sessions.  What I have found is that there is always such delicious space and room for exploration in boundaries, and having them set will truly set you free to explore and feel.

So please, take the time to get clear about what your sexual boundaries are, and speak them!  Once you both know the boundaries and consent to keeping them, you might find that you are freed up in a completely different way during your session. This will allow you to relax into the moment instead of worrying about what will happen next. It will reduce the need for you to be constantly on alert, and guarding yourself unconsciously during your session.

Understanding Consent:

Consent means that both people in a sexual encounter must agree to it, and either person may decide at any time that they no longer consent and want to stop the activity. This goes for professional sessions as well as in our own private sex lives! And remember, that just because you consent to one behavior does not mean that you may consent to any other behaviors. Consenting during one session to a particular kind of exploration does not mean that you consent or are you obligated to  consent on any other sessions. A good Sexological Body Worker will always ask about consent and check in with you during your sessions. You also need to check in with yourself! Do I consent to G Spot exploration? Do I consent to having my scar massaged or my breasts? Do you want it? It is your choice to consent or not. Remember your sessions are all about you!

Speaking Your Sexual Desire:

One of the most wonderful and transformational experiences that can come out of working with a trained hands on practitioner is learning how to speak your desires. Speaking what we want when it comes to our sexuality can be loaded with shame.  Practicing speaking what we want, and negotiating  our desires is key to a fabulous session as well as a delicious and empowered sex life! It's important to remember that even if we speak our desires not all of our desires can or will be met in a session or even in our private sex life. But learning how to communicate our needs and wants is an essential part of getting the most out of your sessions.

Slow Down:

So many times, people "gulp" their sessions. They want to feel it all, all at once! That's like going to a great big buffet and expecting to really be able to taste all the flavors and digest your meal in a healthy way. Often when we eat too fast, we end up with a belly ache. The best way to experience Sexological Bodywork or really any kind of hands on healing work is in a series of at least five sessions, that's why Back to The Body: A Sensuous Retreat For Womenis five days long. We want the women to have the opportunity to be able to slow way down in their sessions so that they can go deeper into their experiences and really take it all in. We also want to prevent belly aches! So if you think you are going slow in your sessions, consider going slower! How deeply can you feel?

Exploring the world of hands on sexual healing can feel cutting edge, but the fact is that it goes way back in time, and has often been called "Humanistic Sex Therapy".

Do you want to know more? Please contact me for a free consultation, and I will be happy to talk further about whether exploring this healing modality might be right for you.

The Arousal Principle: How To Put Passion Back Into Your Life

Strap yourself in. I want to talk about female sexual arousal. I believe that it's the secret source of every woman’s power. It’s the ignition switch of the female erotic engine, that potent driver of sexual energy that is life force itself. It propels every aspect of a woman’s existence-- pleasure in all its expressions, relationships (from mother-daughter to lover to her own body), education, creativity and success in business. The Arousal Principle is a new way of understanding and harnessing female sexuality. It stops being about merely the orgasm, the lover, the marriage or the commodity for sale. The Arousal Principle explains how core female sexuality is the fuel that lights up a woman from within.

When she’s in an aroused state, when the erotic engine is humming, mind and body collude to give her that instantly recognizable and enviable show stopping ability. Think Cleopatra or Michelle Obama. Marital status, age, sexual preference, body size or health issues just don’t matter. This is for all women. When women learn how to tap into and access their arousal they rediscover or perhaps find for the first time that hotbed of energy to unleash each woman’s full potential.

It all starts with the vagina, and a little basic science. Walk with me into the land of the controversial and understudied. And I’m distilling the research to what is core to the Arousal Principle.

When we stimulate the vagina (and yes, I mean all of the parts) we stimulate the production of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for sexual arousal. In an aroused state our senses are heightened, we are more focused, flushed with creative energy, self- confidence, highly motivated and just plain sexy.

We tend to race past this fertile and delicious state in hot pursuit of the orgasm. The “Big O” is something that we’ve been brainwashed to think is the only successful outcome every time we go near our genitals. In the mad dash to climax, we get gypped of a free, organic state that doesn’t require anything other than giving your vagina attention.

Learning to access and use arousal is the beginning of becoming whole. Throughout history, women have been severed, often violently, from their sexual energy, preventing them from using it for anything other than the service of men. When the circuit is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused, women numb out.

The uniquely female life force, turned back on itself shorts out the vagina-heart-brain circuit. With the wires fried, women often find themselves disconnected from their own desires on the most basic of levels. Some women make themselves sexually invisible, consoling themselves with addictions (shopping, food, alcohol), or tumble into depression and anxiety. Many of these women are leaders in so many parts of their lives. CEO's to Supermoms, it doesn't matter. When this circuit disrupts, the break down is often private and unseen to the casual observer. Too many women are still faking it on the deepest of levels when it comes to their relationship with their bodies. They cover up numbness and fear often with either compliance or anger.

So while the Arousal Principal's primary focus is not about how to have great sex, you will. As one of my coaching client's said: “My boyfriend has not changed his techniques. Nothing looks different really from the outside, but damn - sex is hotter than it’s ever been in my life.” That's what I am talking about.

So how do you get started? The reclamation begins in the simplest of ways. For many of us that means we need to by-pass The neo-cortex, hand-slapping, nay-saying part of the brain, and dive right into the pelvis. You need to put your attention on your genitals.

Start slow and easy, when you’re alone and there’s privacy. Wear your clothes or don’t. Whatever makes you comfortable.

In a comfortable seated position, feet firmly on the floor, cup your vulva, palm up, from the front with your fingertips pointing back.

With eyes closed, start rocking your pelvis back and forth.

Focus your attention on the sensations generated by your vulva filling your hand , your muscles clenching and releasing, your pelvis rocking

If you’re feeling adventurous, throw in some Kegels, squeezing and releasing your pelvic floor.

As your awareness of sensation increases--and it will-- let yourself move and lean into the rock.

KEEP BREATHING

When you feel heat rising, when you start to feel pleasure, you’ve arrived in that juicy activated known as arousal. And you’ve done it without any of the usual agendas -- no imperative to reach orgasm, pleasing a partner or satisfying a fantasy. This simple exercise can begin your journey of connection to your own body. It can mark the end of numbness.

One of my clients, we will call her Sarah was so disconnected from erotic engine that she couldn't identify pleasure in any parts of her life. She was sexually non functional, depressed and on heavy medication. She kept telling me that she couldn't feel her genitals, that there was no pleasure there at all. So fully clothed, (we were working through video Skype) I asked her to cup her vulva and begin to softly rock her pelvis while learning forward . I coached her to allow her vulva fill to gentle fill her hand. We did this exercise quietly for about five minutes. When I saw that she was very relaxed and into her own body, and that her face was beginning to flush. I asked her is she could feel anything?

Sarah opened her eyes and tears begin to flow. " I feel heat. I can feel my body!"

It was as simple as having her put attention on her genitals in a way that didn’t have to lead to anything other than feeling erotic energy.

Moment of awakening. The first step in getting the engine cranked and it’s so simple. It's all about the Arousal Principle.

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What to start exploring this in your own life? Check out Pamela's "Back to The Body Retreats for Women" and her coaching practice.   You don't have to do this alone. Support is available!